A Poor Bastard suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the Poor Bastard to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital where he was taken for treatment. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen.
She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
The Poor Bastard replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked the Poor Bastard, "Do you have money in the bank?"
"No money in the bank", he replied.
"Do you have any Poor Bastard relatives who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
"I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun", replied the convalescing Poor Bastard.
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
"Perfect". Replied the Poor Bastard. "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Friday, July 15, 2011
Canada's National Post Declares U.S. An Honorary Banana Republic
Word has just reached the Poor Bastard World Headquarters that Canada's National Post, the leading financial publication in the country, has announced that they are declaring the United States to be an "honorary banana republic" due to the seeming inability of U.S. leaders to deal with dire economic circumstances which are threatening the very foundations of the industrialized world!
Of course Poor Bastards throughout The Kingdom have known for years that Washington DC is a wholly-owned subsidiary of the transnational corporate oligarchy that rules the world......which only begs the question of how stupid the Degenerate Poor Bastards we have elected to congress must be for things to have deteriorated to the level of discourse we are seeing on display in Washington DC, Inc. at the present time.
With a national debt that now surpasses 60% of GDP and a federal budget deficit that is projected to be 10% of GDP by the end of this year, it won't be long before the U.S. will be deserving of the title Genuine Banana Republic, once our economic situation reaches the level of a Third World country; which could conceivably occur before the next congressional sex scandal emerges to distract the Illiterati from the apocalyptic financial crisis facing western civilization!
Of course Poor Bastards throughout The Kingdom have known for years that Washington DC is a wholly-owned subsidiary of the transnational corporate oligarchy that rules the world......which only begs the question of how stupid the Degenerate Poor Bastards we have elected to congress must be for things to have deteriorated to the level of discourse we are seeing on display in Washington DC, Inc. at the present time.
With a national debt that now surpasses 60% of GDP and a federal budget deficit that is projected to be 10% of GDP by the end of this year, it won't be long before the U.S. will be deserving of the title Genuine Banana Republic, once our economic situation reaches the level of a Third World country; which could conceivably occur before the next congressional sex scandal emerges to distract the Illiterati from the apocalyptic financial crisis facing western civilization!
Poor Bastard's Misery Index Raised a Second Time in Two Weeks!
Not that the Grand Poo Ba is terribly surprised, since he has been predicting an epic heatwave for the summer of 2011 ever since the mercury reading soared past 100 degrees in Wichita Falls, TX way back in March....
But now that the National Weather Service has finally capitulated by announcing that a "massive heat wave is expected to develop over much of the central and eastern United State" with "heat index values" possibly reaching 115 degrees over the weekend, the High Council of the Fraternal Order of the Poor Bastard has decided it is time to raise the Poor Bastard's Misery Index reading to Ridiculously F-ing Miserable!
Recognizing that many Garden-Variety Poor Bastards may well have been suffering under Ridiculously F-ing Miserable conditions for some time, the High Council felt the move was justified in light of the announcement by the NWS late in the day on Wednesday.
Here at the Poor Bastard World Headquarters we have been receiving reports from fellow Poor Bastards throughout the realm for the last several weeks, about temperature readings above 105 degrees; and in some cases readings which have already exceeded 110 degrees!
An unnamed Poor Bastard is seen here testing out his improvised heat management system at a Red Cross cooling center during the heatwave that settled in over California during the long, hot summer of 2006...
All we can say at this point is that all Poor Bastards should brace themselves for the onslaught and be prepared for the unexpected as these are the kind of conditions during which all hell can be expected to break loose throughout the affected areas of The Kingdom!
Once the horror sets in and Poor Bastards from hither to yon finally realize that there isn't enough ice in all the world to keep that cooler full of Bud Light cold, tensions will invariably reach the breaking point.
All Poor Bastards should prepare for the worst as conditions are ripe for creating historic levels of misery throughout much of the Kingdom of the Poor Bastard!
Meanwhile, the governors of Oklahoma and Texas, both Poor Bastards in their own right, have decided to simply resort to some good old, down-home religion by asking the residents of their respective states to pray......pray for what, we aren't sure, but in all fairness it sounds like just about as good an idea as anything else......
In this photo we see an unidentified member of the U.S. Congress trying to escape the heat on the banks of the Potomac River during a break in the heated budget talks....
But now that the National Weather Service has finally capitulated by announcing that a "massive heat wave is expected to develop over much of the central and eastern United State" with "heat index values" possibly reaching 115 degrees over the weekend, the High Council of the Fraternal Order of the Poor Bastard has decided it is time to raise the Poor Bastard's Misery Index reading to Ridiculously F-ing Miserable!
Recognizing that many Garden-Variety Poor Bastards may well have been suffering under Ridiculously F-ing Miserable conditions for some time, the High Council felt the move was justified in light of the announcement by the NWS late in the day on Wednesday.
Here at the Poor Bastard World Headquarters we have been receiving reports from fellow Poor Bastards throughout the realm for the last several weeks, about temperature readings above 105 degrees; and in some cases readings which have already exceeded 110 degrees!
All we can say at this point is that all Poor Bastards should brace themselves for the onslaught and be prepared for the unexpected as these are the kind of conditions during which all hell can be expected to break loose throughout the affected areas of The Kingdom!
Once the horror sets in and Poor Bastards from hither to yon finally realize that there isn't enough ice in all the world to keep that cooler full of Bud Light cold, tensions will invariably reach the breaking point.
All Poor Bastards should prepare for the worst as conditions are ripe for creating historic levels of misery throughout much of the Kingdom of the Poor Bastard!
Meanwhile, the governors of Oklahoma and Texas, both Poor Bastards in their own right, have decided to simply resort to some good old, down-home religion by asking the residents of their respective states to pray......pray for what, we aren't sure, but in all fairness it sounds like just about as good an idea as anything else......
In this photo we see an unidentified member of the U.S. Congress trying to escape the heat on the banks of the Potomac River during a break in the heated budget talks....
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Demonstrations of Epic Stupidity Continue...
Witnesses reported that the man had been frolicking around the edge of the hole like some Poor Bastard impersonating the tooth fairy, when a surging wave suddenly swept him into the hole, which contains water that is sucked through the hole and back out to sea each time the tidal surge recedes from the shoreline.
Horrified witnesses said his head popped up briefly after he initially went into the water and then after being inundated by a second incoming wave the Doomed Poor Bastard was never seen again!
Stories from the realm....they never cease to entertain!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Are We Experiencing Some Sort of Poor Bastard Epidemic....?
When Brownwood, TX fire-fighter Shannon Stone fell to his death last week at a Texas Ranger's baseball game while reaching to catch a souvenir baseball, The editorial staff at The Poor Bastard's Gazette might have been willing to chalk it up as an unfortunate tragedy and let if pass without comment.
But when we scanned the headlines and wire reports this morning only to learn that some Stupid Poor Bastard had almost suffered the same fate during last night's Home Run Derby at Chase Field in Phoenix, AZ, we felt compelled to raise the question....." is this some sort of epidemic sweeping through the Kingdom of the Poor Bastard?"
Stupid Poor Bastard Keith Carmickle is seen above, only seconds before he fell over the railing at the bottom of the picture, to an almost certain death...eerily similar to a tragic incident that occurred last week at a Texas Ranger's baseball game in which a Brownwood, TX fire fighter did in fact, fall to his death while reaching to catch a souvenir baseball.
Carmickle is captured in this timeless picture only seconds later as friends and family literally hold his life in their hands...leading Inquiring Poor Bastards to wonder whether we are experiencing an epidemic of public displays of stupidity from Poor Bastards throughout the Kingdom of the Poor Bastard?
Or is this just another example of the ongoing culling of the Poor Bastard Gene Pool?
But when we scanned the headlines and wire reports this morning only to learn that some Stupid Poor Bastard had almost suffered the same fate during last night's Home Run Derby at Chase Field in Phoenix, AZ, we felt compelled to raise the question....." is this some sort of epidemic sweeping through the Kingdom of the Poor Bastard?"
Stupid Poor Bastard Keith Carmickle is seen above, only seconds before he fell over the railing at the bottom of the picture, to an almost certain death...eerily similar to a tragic incident that occurred last week at a Texas Ranger's baseball game in which a Brownwood, TX fire fighter did in fact, fall to his death while reaching to catch a souvenir baseball.
Carmickle is captured in this timeless picture only seconds later as friends and family literally hold his life in their hands...leading Inquiring Poor Bastards to wonder whether we are experiencing an epidemic of public displays of stupidity from Poor Bastards throughout the Kingdom of the Poor Bastard?
Or is this just another example of the ongoing culling of the Poor Bastard Gene Pool?
And We Keep Electing Them to Public Office......
Our Stupid Poor Bastard story of the day comes from the Grand Canyon State of Arizona, where gun-toting state senator Lori Klein was observed showing off the laser sighting on her pink handgun by pointing the loaded pistol at a reporter who was interviewing her in the Senate lounge at the state capital!
At one point during the interview Klein reportedly removed the .380 Ruger pistol from her purse stating "oh, it's so cute," before aiming the loaded pistol at Arizona Republic reporter Richard Ruelas to show how the laser sighting mechanism worked!
The republican lawmaker, a big-haired, leathery-faced Poor Bastardette from the Phoenix suburb of Anthem, is known for being a pistol-packing gun rights advocate, even though she apparently doesn't know the first thing about gun safety!
Even the Grand Poo Ba, who can count the number of times he has the pulled the trigger of a loaded firearm on one hand, knows that you don't point a gun at ANYTHING you don't intend to shoot!
For her Grand Canyonesque display of colossal stupidity and bad judgment The High Council of the Fraternal Order of the Poor Bastard has decided to name a Poor Bastard classification after the Arizona lawmaker by bestowing the title of Grandly Stupid Poor Bastardette on Ms. Klein in recognition for being a public embarrassment to the good people of the state of Arizona!
And we continue to elect these people to public office?
At one point during the interview Klein reportedly removed the .380 Ruger pistol from her purse stating "oh, it's so cute," before aiming the loaded pistol at Arizona Republic reporter Richard Ruelas to show how the laser sighting mechanism worked!
Even the Grand Poo Ba, who can count the number of times he has the pulled the trigger of a loaded firearm on one hand, knows that you don't point a gun at ANYTHING you don't intend to shoot!
For her Grand Canyonesque display of colossal stupidity and bad judgment The High Council of the Fraternal Order of the Poor Bastard has decided to name a Poor Bastard classification after the Arizona lawmaker by bestowing the title of Grandly Stupid Poor Bastardette on Ms. Klein in recognition for being a public embarrassment to the good people of the state of Arizona!
And we continue to elect these people to public office?
Poor Bastard Takes Out His Frustration on The Home of David Letterman's TV Show!
James Whittemore, a struggling 22-year-old Garden-Variety Poor Bastard and self-described "unemployed actor" was arrested early Sunday morning outside the entrance to the Ed Sullivan Theater in New York City after a night of binge drinking which led to his trashing of the theater lobby.
The historic theater - pictured at left - is home to the television show, Late Night With David Letterman which is familiar to all Poor Bastard denizens of the night and general misfits who have nothing better to do than stay up late watching the Quintessential Poor Bastard himself, David Letterman and his band of merry pranksters...
Letterman and his entourage of jolly companions have entertained generations of hapless Poor Bastards with inane routines such as Stupid Pet Tricks and the infamous Trump or Monkey; a game in which the contestant tries to guess whether a picture of a head of hair that is cut off right below the hairline is a picture of a chimpanzee or actually a picture of True Poor Bastard Donald Trump's famous coiffure.
Whittemore had apparently staggered over to the theater after a night of drinking at nearby Hurley's Saloon, which lasted until 5:30 in the morning. After trashing the theater Poor Bastard Whittemore was arrested and charged with burglary and criminal mischief.
Meanwhile Letterman's staff has been busy trying secure a booking of the newly christened Poor Bastard as a guest on the late night show....
Letterman and his entourage of jolly companions have entertained generations of hapless Poor Bastards with inane routines such as Stupid Pet Tricks and the infamous Trump or Monkey; a game in which the contestant tries to guess whether a picture of a head of hair that is cut off right below the hairline is a picture of a chimpanzee or actually a picture of True Poor Bastard Donald Trump's famous coiffure.
Whittemore had apparently staggered over to the theater after a night of drinking at nearby Hurley's Saloon, which lasted until 5:30 in the morning. After trashing the theater Poor Bastard Whittemore was arrested and charged with burglary and criminal mischief.
Meanwhile Letterman's staff has been busy trying secure a booking of the newly christened Poor Bastard as a guest on the late night show....
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