The Man Who Would Be King Instead Becomes A Public Embarrassment For Republican Party

It seems like only yesterday that any time a right-wing, reactionary greaseball Poor Bastard crawled out from under the nearest rock and declared they were a Republican candidate for president, the cash would pour in like rainwater through the roof of a Poor Bastard's 1978 single-wide trailer; or like moonshine out of a well-hidden Poor Bastard's still; or like pictures of naked Poor Bastard congressmen on the internet; or like.....well, you get the idea!

But these days things are quite different, it seems, as evidenced by the breaking story that Royal Poor Bastard Newt - "what do you mean I can't be King?" - Gingrich has resorted to selling photo ops to his supporters as he makes his way down the fading presidential campaign trail to Never-Never Land!

Yep! That's right folks...The Newter is flat broke, out of cash!

In other words, a Genuine Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard!

The Newter, seen here reacting to the news that the High Council of the Fraternal Order of The Poor Bastard had just elevated his status to that of a Genuine Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard!









According to this story from the National Journal, The Newter really has been neutered due to a lack of campaign cash. As a result, campaign strategists are now offering supporters the opportunity to have their picture taken in the company of the Bloated Poor Bastard (who you have to admit has taken on a striking resemblance to the late Iconic Poor Bastard Ted Kennedy) for a mere fifty bucks!

http://news.yahoo.com/gingrich-begins-charging-50-photos-events-211722126.html

Yep!...Half a C-note will get you an heirloom that the patriotic Rank & Foul Poor Bastard family can proudly display on the living room wall of their new double-wide!

Now I know what all of you Inquiring Poor Bastards are probably thinking...and it's the same question the Grand Poo Ba just has to set forth for the court of public opinion to ponder...

"You mean to tell me that Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich (McPherson) has become so desperate for cash that he is selling his infamous mugshot for less than the cost of a couple of "Boomsticks" and a bag of cheese-doodles at a Texas Rangers baseball game?"

Hard to believe, but you just can't make this stuff up!

I know it must be heartbreaking for the dozens of supporters that The Newter no doubt has throughout the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard. But as we all know far too well, times are tough and ready cash is a hot commodity that is in short supply for many Poor Bastards...As it appears is the case with one of The Kingdom's exalted icons of pompous arrogance and vitriolic hubris......Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich (McPherson)!

The Newter is seen here reacting to the news that campaign staffers are having a hard time peddling photo ops with the Bloated Poor Bastard for a measly fifty bucks!

 In honor of all the hard work and sacrifice The Newter has endured in his efforts to become leader of the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard, the High Council of the Fraternal Order of The Poor Bastard has decided to name a sniglet* after Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich (McPherson)...This rarefied and distinguished honor means that forever more a pimple on the end of the nose - such as the one seen here - will be known to Poor Bastards throughout The Realm as a "Gingrich!"


* For those Poor Bastards who haven't been following along, a "sniglet" is the term for a word that isn't in the dictionary but should be.

Redneck Riviera Invaded By Nine Pound Rats!

What with all the bad press that the state of Florida has been getting lately, perhaps it's no surprise that the Grand Poo Ba woke up to a new day with this Poor Bastard Tale of Woe staring him in the face-

Cat-sized African rats survive in Florida

http://news.yahoo.com/photos/cat-sized-african-rats-survive-in-florida-slideshow/ 

A Florida Cracker and certain Poor Bastard is seen here attempting to sneak up on a dinner-sized nine pound Gambian rat after hearing that they make for a tasty fricassee...





Of course followers of The Poor Bastard's Gazette are no doubt well aware of the Grand Poo Ba's general fear and loathing of just about everything having to do with the Sunshine State.

And perhaps the rest of the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard  shouldn't be terribly surprised by anything that happens in this unrefined mecca of illiteracy, cigarette butts, sun-burned beer-guts and Malingering Poor Bastards wearing sleeveless NASCAR tee-shirts and baseball caps turned around backwards - especially considering this is the state that is single-handedly responsible for stinking up the rest of the country with the likes of that Ultimate Presidential Poor Bastard Boy George Bush!

But then, like the Grand Poo Ba's grandma used to say, "we must let bygones be bygones..."

Meanwhile, the word around the backyard BBQ grills of Poor Bastards from one end of the Redneck Riviera to the other is that the giant nine pound rats do make a tasty fricassee, which is a good thing considering that summer is just around the corner, and before we know it, beaches throughout the Sunshine State will be lined with hairy, beer-guzzling redneck Yonks who are just chomping at the bit for a taste of something more exotic than a foot-long Oscar Mayer Wiener!

A Florida bubba and his Poor Bastardette girlfriend enjoying a taste of the official Florida state dish...the "hands-only bun-free foot-long wiener!"







Considering that state wildlife officials have had their hands full for the last several years trying to deal with yet another infestation of Titanic proportions, that being the rampant proliferation of African rock pythons and reticulated Burmese pythons in the Florida Everglades, and the complete lack of success they have had in trying to control those non-native species, it should come as no surprise to the rest of Poor Bastard humanity that those same officials have actually been battling the rat infestation for a number of years with little success......"Oh, duh?"

"Honey...look what I found laying out by the pool!"















 As the Grand Poo Ba likes to say....."Mother nature bats last!"