After taking a few days off from the rock pile, the
Grand Poor Bastard is back in the saddle scouring the news for the latest
Poor Bastard Reports. (PBR's) Here is a brief rundown of promising stories which have been earmarked for further investigation-
The head of the International Monetary Fund (IMF) is paraded in front of the media for the traditional
Perp Walk after being charged with the alleged sexual assault of a New York City hotel maid...
The Associated Press is reporting that the IMF head has been arrested in New York, charged with the alleged sexual assault of a hotel maid in New York City, after the women identified
True Poor Bastard Dominique Strauss-Kahn in a police line up.
What makes this story all the more interesting is that Strauss-Kahn had, up until now, been considered a leading candidate for the French Presidential elections which are scheduled to occur in 2012. After hearing of the charges in the U.S. a woman in France has come forward and accused Strauss-Kahn of an alleged sexual assault nine years ago.
The AP reports that the alleged perpetrator is a married, father of four who has earned the dubious nickname "the great seducer" from women who have had the misfortune of being personally acquainted with this miscreant
Poor Bastard.
Proving once again that a
True Poor Bastard may emerge from any walk of life, at any time after having committed any and all manner of personal and/or professional indiscretions.
Other News From Around the Kingdom of the Poor Bastard-
On the Yahoo website (where discerning
Poor Bastard's go for the news) we find an article titled
What Not to Buy at IKEA.
Of course this story immediately grabbed the attention of the
Grand Poo Ba since IKEA is the official
Poor Bastard's Palace , where upscale
Poor Bastard's go to purchase cheap household goods and $3 orders of Swedish Meatballs.
IKEA, for those of you who may have been living in the Unabomber's old cabin in the Montana outback, is a global retailer whose origins can be traced back to northern Europe, where they have successfully reduced the art of fine living to knocked-down, DIY, particle board furniture, cheap futon mattresses and dollar store quality decorating accessories.
Which is exactly why the
Fraternal Order of the Poor Bastard long ago christened IKEA as the
Poor Bastard's Palace. Combined with the cafeteria style dining area which serves up all manner of space-age, processed and packaged food products, along with the company's signature $2.89 dish of Swedish Meatballs for famished
Poor Bastard's, the IKEA retailing environment serves as a testament to all things
Poor Bastard!
Among those items which
Poor Bastard's are warned NOT to buy from The Palace are-
1) Mattresses
2) Imitation wood products you'll use everyday
3) Dinnerware
4) Quality cutlery
5) Things with complicated assembly instructions (I'm not kidding)
Since this list comprises the majority of products sold at IKEA it begs the question, "what
DO you buy from IKEA.....besides the Swedish Meatballs?"
My favorite is #5...As every
Poor Bastard knows, all products you buy these days which requires any amount of assembly come with a set of indecipherable instructions and since IKEA is geared toward the
Global Poor Bastard marketplace, the instructions that come with everything you purchase from the store are nothing but illustrations which are supposed to guide you through the assembly process.
You can forget about written instructions because the person assembling the cheap piece of crap is just as likely to speak Farsi as they are bad English (the official language of the
Poor Bastard). And if you are going to follow the advice of the author and not buy anything that qualifies under #2, then you aren't going to be purchasing much of anything from IKEA that requires assembly in the first place.
A second article spotted on Yahoo by the
Grand Poo Ba, which just screams
POOR BASTARD, is titled
10 Insider Grocery Saving Tips.
This story qualifies as a
Poor Bastard Report for a number of reasons. Not only does it go through a long drawn out explanation of how to maximize your savings from coupons, sales, buy-one-get-one (BOGO) specials, and all manner of sales gimmicks designed to attract the attention of the
Poor Bastard Shopper (PBS); but it also includes a list of questions relating to each of the "10" insider tips that you are instructed to ask the manager at your local supermarket; 40 questions in all!
I can just see it now.....store managers around the country will be running for cover after
Poor Bastard Wives (PBW's) read this story and start pouring into grocery stores throughout the Kingdom armed with their little list of questions, purse over-flowing with coupons and freshly clipped ads from the local newspaper, advertising all of the weekly specials they are there to snatch up....
"Mr. Store Manager, Mr. Store Manager, I just have a few questions about your store's coupon policy, that I was hoping you could answer..."
Jesus H. Christ on a Popsicle stick!.....
40 questions and 1400 PBW's at every store, all trying to save 40 cents on the purchase of two boxes of Quaker Instant Oatmeal!
