Trump or Monkey in the News Again

After years of speculation about what in the hell is going on with this Poor Bastard's hair, Vanity Fair magazine has finally put the matter to rest with an exhaustive pictorial, complete with scientific explanations of what is going on with Donald Trump's unique coiffure.

The Trumpster has long been the subject of David Letterman's Trump or Monkey routine, which has been a regular feature of Letterman's comedic repertoire for many years. Since beginning his well publicized reality TV career and his more recent "presidential campaign" the subject of Trump's ludicrous hair style has become an almost daily news story.

Seen here is a close-up of Trump's left side profile which clearly shows a horizontal flying wing maneuver - created with what appears to be little more than an excess lock of hair - which most Poor Bastards would simply cut off!


Not only does this sculpted coiffure defy gravity due to it's obvious horizontal staying power, but it would appear that this shock of hair would likely hang down to his shoulder if it were allowed to assume a vertical position; thereby begging the question, "what is it doing there in the first place?"

Seen here in a different light it appears the horizontal flying wing may be a product-enhanced maneuver resulting from the use of a hair gel or an adhesive type material...begging the question, "is this a look the Poor Bastard is intentionally trying to achieve?"

In this rare close-up we can observe the aggressive proliferation of the left eye lash hair...a clear sign that Trump is suffering from a condition many Poor Bastards are well acquainted with - Aging White Male, Body-Hair Management Disorder.

If any of you Inquiring Poor Bastards can stomach looking at any more of these extreme close-up shots of the Trumpster, in all his pallid splendor, you can see the complete pictorial at the link below-

http://www.vanityfair.com/politics/features/2011/05/donald-trump-hair-photos-201105?currentPage=13

Man of God Bears False Witness...

It just goes to show there is always a good Poor Bastard story cooking up somewhere.

Pastor Jim Moats (shown here) strikes the all too familiar Poor Bastard Pose (PBP) known as the "face in hand profile."

Moats revealed earlier in the week that he had been lying to his Newville, PA congregation for the last five years about being a member of an elite Navy SEALS special operations team.




Apparently all the hub-bub surrounding the Navy SEALS after their successful operation to nail Osama bin Laden at his inconspicuous compound in Pakistan, has led to this Man of God having to publicly fess up to violating one of the Christian world's Ten Commandments not to "bear false witness"...

Which to all the rest of you Poor Bastard's means DON'T LIE TO YOUR FAITHFUL FOLLOWERS...especially when they are giving you 10% of their hard earned money every week!...What a Poor Bastard!

Inquiring Poor Bastard's can read the full story at the link below...

http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_thelookout/20110509/us_yblog_thelookout/local-pastor-made-up-elaborate-navy-seal-tale

Trump-or-Monkey Finally Explained...

It's official Donald the Trumpster has admitted to using the double comb-over (DCO) to deal with his troublesome hairdo!

In a May 11, 2011 story that appeared on the Yahoo website, the man who has been ridiculed publicly for his anemic hair ever since David Letterman first started his Trump-or-Monkey game on Late Night with David Letterman, admits not to a DCO but to a "little bit forward and back" action.....

Poor Bastard's the world over know that if it it looks like a double comb-over and sounds like a double comb-over, it must be a FLYING WING!

You know you are a True Poor Bastard when you have to go and explain to the general public how you manage your coiffure every morning...

Tiger Woods: The Exalted True Poor Bastard

One of the first things the Grand Poor Bastard likes to do every morning is open up his web browser and check the Yahoo website for Poor Bastard Reports; or PBR's as we like to call them around the Poor Bastard World Headquarters.

Some days are pretty lean, while others provide a promising bounty of cannon fodder for the day's entertainment.

The general procedure is to check the headlines in the center of the page while keeping an eye on the captioned pics that scroll across above the headlines. The Trending Now box at the upper right, just below the title bar, must also be scanned as this is where many an emerging PBR storyline first appears.

Today's pickings have been pretty slim so far; although there does appear to be a Sarah Palin story in the making which, of course, the Grand Poo Ba (term of endearment referring to the Grand Poor Bastard) will be keeping a close eye on.

On a more promising note, among the Trending Now notables is the name Tiger Woods. Up to this point we have failed to mention this Exalted True Poor Bastard only because of time and space constraints; and the fact that the Grand Poo Ba, like everyone else, must also earn a living; a fact which does impinge on the amount of time he has to spend dissecting the many trials and tribulations of the Poor Bastard class.

But fear not for we are ever vigilant in maintaining a close watch on the activities of notable Poor Bastards the world over because you just never know when any one of them is going to step to the forefront and make an even greater fool out of themselves than they ever have before.

"Tiger, is that a turd or just your career going down the toilet?"

 
I realize that about now all of our faithful readers are saying to themselves, "how on earth could Tiger Woods possibly make any bigger of a fool out of himself than he already has?"...And I agree that it does seem as though it will take nothing short of a super-human effort to do so but remember, this is Tiger Woods, the Boy-Wonder of Golf.

A guy whose destiny to become a True Poor Bastard was preordained for him by an overbearing set of parents, who were absolutely determined to mold him into a freak of the competitive, sporting type...

And after a lifetime of pampering, coddling and coaching, Tiger like the True Poor Bastard that he is, was not about to let anyone down!

So after establishing a name for himself as perhaps the single best golfer to ever play the game; an achievement which brought him untold wealth, fame and privilege, not to mention a drop-dead gorgeous wife in the form of Swedish super model Elin Nordegren; what does Tiger Woods do?

I'll tell you what he does....he goes on a sloppy, indiscreet binge of sexing and whoring with all make and manner of gold-digging, money-grubbing, blond bimbos, wanna-be celebrities and porn starlets....Making sure to leave a trail of evidence that is so obvious even the government of Pakistan would have been able to see it!

That's what he does!

So for the benefit of those Poor Bastards who may not have been up to speed on the meteoric rise of Tiger Woods to the rarefied status of Exalted True Poor Bastard (or those of you who simply don't give a damn), we have prepared this pictorial narrative describing key events that led to Tiger joining the exclusive ranks of this esteemed class of Poor Bastards-

This new found fame and fortune almost certainly contributes to his landing a whale of a babe in the form of Swedish super model Elin Nordegren (seen here).

In the beginning Tiger was a modest man/boy. After winning a handful of PGA golf tournaments before the age of 22, Tiger attracts the interest of brand-name retailers the world over; several of which sign him to endorsement deals reported to be worth BILLIONS, so he can peddle their swag to hyper-consumers throughout the Kingdom of the Poor Bastard!

Apparently Tiger is as good at peddling swag as he is at playing golf and making babies!...

After scoring big with the golf gig, endorsement deals and a super-babe of a wife, Tiger and Elin settle into marital bliss and start a family. Things seem to be going well for the young couple as Tiger's prowess on the golf course continues to add to his iconic stature and help land him the most lucrative endorsement deals in history!

But after settling into a suburban lifestyle in sunny Florida and having a couple of kids, Elin's "assets" begin to sag a bit...

 

 

 

 

 

 

So after Tiger launches into a multi-city, multi-bimbo sex-fest spanning a period of well over a year, he is finally confronted by his wife Elin, at their home in Florida. After what was reported as a "domestic disturbance" at the home, Tiger attempts to escape from an enraged, golf club wielding Elin, only to find that trees and high speed driving do not mix!

Subsequent investigation reveals that Woods has indeed been a very bad boy; at which point his female conquests start appearing in the gallery at golf tournaments in which Tiger is participating.

Not wanting to miss out on their 15 minutes of fame this group of gold-digging, Tiger-skanks gets together to pose for a group photo we have dubbed Tiger's Tail...

Meanwhile back at the ranch, things aren't going so good for Tiger and the Mrs...

But perhaps more significant from a Poor Bastard's point of view, is that behind the closed doors of corporate boardrooms across the globe, Tiger's appeal as a swag-peddler extraordinaire seems to be on the wane...

 Recent reports indicate Woods may have lost as much as $500,000,000 in endorsement income as a direct result of his catastrophic display of classic Degenerate Poor Bastard behavior...From the world of golf we also hear that he hasn't won a tournament in almost two years!

In the end lesser Poor Bastards the world over find themselves staring blankly off into space and wondering...how on earth is it even remotely possible for a guy with this kind of fame, fortune, popularity and all the opportunity which comes with such largess, to end up being such a monumental True Poor Bastard?

Brett Favre: Another True Poor Bastard

Well a new week is upon us and Poor Bastards around the world are back at the rock pile toiling away. The life of quiet desperation that Henry David Thoreau talked about continues to march along for millions of Poor Bastards throughout the Kingdom of the Poor Bastard.

As bad as it may seem at times for all of the Garden-Variety Poor Bastard in the Kingdom, True Poor Bastards from the exclusive worlds of the glitterati, politics and highfalutin' sports figures suffer from the same burdens as the rest of us Poor Bastards.

The last seven days have been something of a slow week here at The Gazette but as the new week opens we are greeted with the news that the ageless Poor Bastard Brett Favre is at it again. Maybe it's the late spring fever he must feel every year when training camp begins to loom on the summer horizon. Or maybe it's just that this True Poor Bastard is simply unable to quench his desire for constant attention from the pop-culture carnival we call the Mass-Media Circus.

Either way one of the rights of spring seems to be that we are once again bombarded non-stop with the urgent and pressing question, "is Brett Favre going to return to play for another year in the NFL?" And if so, "who is he going to play for?"



The bigger question is, "who gives a big, fat rat's ass?"

If you haven't had enough of this gator-skinning, Ford truck driving, blue jean salesman then there is simply no hope for your pathetic Poor Bastard soul.

Talk about a True Poor Bastard - Favre could give Charlie Sheen a run for his money as the poster boy for the True Poor Bastard subgenus.

Think about it, here's a guy who had a chance to retire at the very top of his game; at the very top of his profession; at a time when his reputation as one of the greatest player's in the history of the NFL was at its pinnacle....What does he do instead?

He continues to play, posting a sub-par season with a NY Jets franchise which was not likely to make a playoff run; then moves to that indigenous Poor Bastard habitat Minnesota, to play for a team that was ready to make a playoff run; and with this ageless Poor Bastard at the helm they almost make it to the big dance, falling only a few points, and a few completed passes short of making it all the way to the Super Bowl.

Favre was heralded as the next coming all through the Vikings playoff run and well into the off-season which unfortunately seemed to have gone to his head; leading to another indecisive period which continued through the end of training camp in the summer of 2010, at which time this timeless Poor Bastard decides to play one more season.

Fast forward four months and we find that Favre has spent the fall of 2010 being bounced around like a pinball in a well worn 1970's KISS pinball machine. Several concussions and a miserable losing season later he stumbles off the field a beaten man, for what many felt was his last appearance under the big top.

At this point it must be pointed out that Favre's behavior through all of this drama has been nothing short of a classic display of the Poor Bastard's character flaws.

Example: Poor Bastards seem to possess an uncanny ability to turn a good situation bad. Like lemming returning to the sea they just can't seem to keep from self-destructing; especially when the bright lights of stardom are shining down on them. And Favre is no different. Having proven beyond any doubt that he will continue to seek a return to his glory days even it if means becoming a complete embarrassment to himself, his friends, family and fans.

As the month of May begins to dawn and we find ourselves three months away from the start of the NFL preseason who pops up in the news like a hibernating bear who has just been awakened from a winter long slumber?.........

That's right, it's that True Poor Bastard Brett Favre......and what's he talking about today that's newsworthy...?

Well nothing really, but what he is saying is that now he has decided he may want to try being a coach!

See what I mean?.....You just can't keep a True Poor Bastard down!