Rumors From the Mill...

As the insufferable heat wave of 2011 continues to grip the Kingdom of the Poor Bastard east of the Rocky Mountains, all the way to the East Coast, reports are beginning to filter into the Poor Bastard World Headquarters about just how miserable conditions are.

The Grand Poo Ba has rated the Poor Bastard's Misery Index for first week of July at Extremely Miserable for the geographic area extending from Phoenix, AZ east, through the Great State of Texas and into the Southeastern Gulf Coast states, stopping just short of Florida....

Not that Florida hasn't experienced its share of hot weather this summer, but given the fact that the Sunshine State is generally a more miserable place to be in the summer months than any other time of year, it hasn't yet reached the point where conditions are any more miserable than they normally are in July!

In addition to setting a record high temperature last week with a reading of 120 degrees in the shade, Phoenix, AZ also carries the distinction of having been hit by a 1930's dust bowl-like storm which darkened the skies and covered the Valley of the Sun in an apocalyptic black cloud of dust and sand in a scene reminiscent of depression-era Oklahoma...

The city of Phoenix, AZ is seen here being engulfed in a massive cloud of dust and sand, leading to even more misery for Poor Bastards throughout the southern half of the Grand Canyon State....



The map below provides a visual example of the Poor Bastard's Misery Index and the impact of the heat wave which has gripped parts of the Kingdom since early June...Note the areas of intense heat in dark orange, where conditions may be approaching Ridiculously F-ing Miserable!













Charles Ray Harper, a native son of the Great State of Texas and the holder of a lifetime chair on the High Council of the Fraternal Order of the Poor Bastard reported this past week that the temperature reading in the backyard of his Ft. Worth home was 93 degrees at 10:00 PM, but the temperature inside his home was pushing 100!

When the Grand Poo Ba asked if he had an air-conditioner he replied in the affirmative, but stated that he was afraid to install it in his bedroom window for fear that a fellow Poor Bastard in the neighborhood might steal it!

Proving once again that when you are a Poor Bastard there is very little you can do to alleviate the situation...


Enraged Poor Bastards....

Meanwhile, as the Kingdom endures another insufferable summer of 100+ degree temperatures, Poor Bastards throughout the realm were rocked by the not guilty verdict in the made-for-TV murder trial of Casey Anthony; the Florida woman who had been charged with murdering her 2-year old daughter and had already been convicted in the court of public opinion presided over by the Lord High Executioner and Poor Bastardette Nancy Grace!

Grace, for those of you who may be living beyond the reach of cable wonderland television, is the bellicose and melodramatic cable television show host and self-appointed protector of little white children who go missing or otherwise end up the victims of a heinous criminal act.

The former Fulton County, GA special prosecutor earned her Poor Bastard Stripe as a result of her "hang 'em first and ask questions later" legal philosophy which led to condemnation by the Georgia Supreme Court on at least two occasions in which the High Court threw out convictions won by Grace because of prosecutorial misconduct.

From her bully-pulpit as the host of a cable television "news" program Grace had been conducting a virtual witch-hunt against Casey Anthony from the minute her name was mentioned as a possible suspect in the disappearance of her daughter....

Not that the Self Absorbed Poor Bastardette Casey Anthony is deserving of any particular sympathy, but let's face it.....maybe there is a reason why this jury found her not guilty?...

....Could it possibly be the Poor Bastards in the Orlando, FL police department and the D.A.'s office simply didn't prove their case?

Apparently not from the point of view of Her Majesty and Poor Bastardette Nancy Grace....who is seen here announcing to the world that "there is no way the Casey Anthony verdict speaks the truth!"

All righty then.....I guess the next time all we need to do is check in with Nancy to get the "truth".....

Body Hair Management Explained...Part I

EDITOR'S NOTE: Due to the potentially gruesome subject matter the editorial board at The Poor Bastard's Gazette has decided not to include photographic illustrations in today's blog post.

Last night, while channel surfing through 200 channels of mindless television programming on his Chinese-made Sony flat screen TV, the Grand Poo Ba was struck by the endless variety of body hair management products being sold on late night television.

Whether it is a pill, potion, procedure or specially designed equipment, it seems there is no shortage of products being peddled via the late night infomercial format; perhaps to allow Poor Bastards and Bastardettes the chance to make their body hair management purchases in the privacy of their own castle and away from prying eyes...

Upon further investigation yours truly has also learned that there are a wide variety of sources on the internet where concerned Poor Bastards may purchase the tools of the trade along with a myriad of potions, ointments, salves and elixirs all claiming either to remove unwanted body hair, or to generate new growth in those rare locations where it hasn't started to grow like wild mushrooms in a cow pasture...

So the editorial board here at the Poor Bastards Gazette thought it might be useful to publish a primer on body hair management as a public service for those Poor Bastards who either haven't reached the age where body hair management has almost become a part-time job and those rare individuals who don't seem to be plagued by the "growing" problem of body hair management and the Aging Poor Bastard.

Before we get started it might prove useful to review some of the terminology used in the field of body hair management-

BHM - An acronym for the term "body hair management." Body hair management refers to the intentional use of tools, procedures, supplements and topical applications in an effort to reduce the proliferation of unwanted and unsightly body hair; or conversely to encourage the growth of hair in those rare locations where it stubbornly refuses to grow.

Generally speaking the term is used in reference to an Aging Poor Bastard or Bastardette who, prior to the onset of middle age, did not require an extended inventory of specialized equipment and potions to keep things in check. The condition is generally not manifested in women to the extent it occurs in men, but this may simply be because women are more accustomed to dealing with unsightly body hair issues throughout their lifetime and therefore may simply be ahead of the curve when the real trouble starts!

Reaganoma -  A sniglet* that was coined by comedian Rich Hall in the 1980's which refers to those unsightly ear and nose hairs that spring up seemingly overnight; often causing public embarrassment for the Unfortunate Poor Bastard who leaves out for work in the morning without taking the time for proper inspection of these critical body hair locations.

Phil Spector - A sniglet coined by the Grand Poo Ba after watching the televised trial of the Degenerate Poor Bastard Phil Spector who, as anyone who has ever seen Phil in his full splendor knows, is a walking advertisement for the body hair management industry.

A Phil Spector is similar in some respects to a Reaganoma with the exception that a Phil Spector can occur anywhere above the neckline; whereas a Reaganoma is strictly limited to nose and ear protuberances. A Phil Spector is characterized by a seeming lack of concern on the part of the Poor Bastard  who suffers from this unfortunate condition.

Quilt - The condition that exists when a Poor Bastard  has such a puffy plume of body hair on the back and/or chest that shirts, and other upper torso attire, take on a quilt-like quality. The condition is sometimes difficult to detect unless you are a Poor Bastardette  who has the misfortune of getting up close and personal with the affected party.

Patch - Similar to a quilt except that the excess body hair is limited to a definable geometric shape on a particular area of the body...such as the common "V" shaped chest hair patch seen on many overweight, aging white male Poor Bastards on Southern California beaches.

Chrome-Dome - A generic slang term used to describe the condition wherein hair has stopped growing altogether on the top of a Poor Bastard's head. This condition differs distinctly from a shaved head, which is a voluntary act resulting in the five o' clock shadow effect on the shaved scalp area. Whereas with a chrome-dome there is no five o'clock shadow because there is no hair trying to emerge from beneath the skin. A cleaned and well shined chrome-dome can be easily mistaken for a cue ball from a distance.

Fringe - That condition which exists when a Poor Bastard suffering from male pattern baldness has a neat little band of residual hair that grows like a ring around Saturn from temple to temple, just below the chrome-dome!

One of the worst BHM strategies is when a Poor Bastard struggling with fringe decides to let it grow down to shoulder-length or longer; resulting in the aging hippie from Berkley look, commonly found among residents of the Pacific Northwest.

Hairy Lebanese -  A generic reference (not intended as an ethnic slur against those of Lebanese heritage) to any Poor Bastard with an abundance of out of control body hair which is so excessive that it cannot be contained with clothing. The typical hairy Lebanese will often look like a walking volcanic eruption with hair emerging at every available escape route along the perimeter of upper body attire.

Particularly noticeable is the condition where the excess hair is frothing out around the collar area, continuing up the neck and merging with the hair on the head and face of the affected Poor Bastard...resulting in an almost Sasquatch-like appearance.

To be continued.......


 * The concept of sniglets was originated by the aforementioned comedian Rich Hall; who defines a sniglet..."a word that isn't in the dictionary, but should be..."