Well the 4th of July holiday weekend is upon us and that means summer is in full swing for
Poor Bastards throughout
The Kingdom! If you live east of the Rockies that means many months of getting pounded by tornadoes, torrential rains and freezing blizzards is almost behind you.
Now it's on to three months or more of sweltering 100 degree heat; humidity levels almost as high as the mercury reading and a general state of misery that is only surpassed by being a
Poor Bastard who has the misfortune of driving a French-made automobile...
Many a
Midwest Poor Bastard will head to "the lake"... that iconic body of muddy water filled with fish, snakes and tree stumps that, along with the parking lot of the local football stadium, has long served as the primary recreational destination for throngs of
Poor Bastards throughout the lesser world.
Gulf Coast Poor Bastards will no doubt head to the beach to soak up some sun, sand and oil residue along with a barrel full of Bud Light and tequila!
BBQ grills will be blazing for the better part of the summer as
Poor Bastards throughout the realm try to imitate that
Ultimate Poor Bastard celebrity chef
Bobby Flay, by putting on a display of their best drunken grill-master moves in front of friends and family.
West Coast Poor Bastards will hang by the pool sipping white wine and $3 a bottle micro brew while trying to figure out how to grill a tofu hot dog without having it melt into a glob of gelatinous bean curd all over their shiny, new stainless steel grill & massage table that comes with a built-in salad spinner.
As the ritual of summer gets underway in all its grandeur the
High Council of the Fraternal Order of the Poor Bastard thought that as a public service it would be worthwhile to review the
Poor Bastard's Misery Index...that measure of temperature and humidity which was developed by the
Grand Poo Ba and his
Inner Circle oh those many years ago, when he too would spend his summers sweltering along with the mass of humanity known as
The Kingdom of the Poor Bastard.
The
Poor Bastard's Misery Index measures the relationship between temperature, relative humidity and exactly how miserable the combination of the two makes things for the average
Garden-Variety Poor Bastard. It was developed in the late 1970's when the
Grand Poo Ba himself was a resident of the
Great State of Texas and was living in a rambling old wreck of a house that did not have any sort of mechanized air-conditioning system other than a handful of dusty, noisy old box fans that were propped up in strategically located windows, ostensibly intended to draw even more hot, humid air into the already sweltering box in which he and the Mrs. then resided!
They say that misery loves company and perhaps that is why there are so many
Poor Bastards among us; but in general there is really no greater misery than a long, hot summer filled with mosquito bites, sweltering midnight temperatures and $500 a month electric bills. So for the benefit of mankind and
Poor Bastards everywhere we offer the
Poor Bastard's Misery Index to help you determine just exactly how miserable you are in relationship to fellow
Poor Bastards everywhere!
Generally Miserable - a condition in which the combination of heat and humidity may make you miserable, but not necessarily any more miserable than the average
Poor Bastard would
generally be in the first place. You may be miserable but your misery isn't anything special and doesn't warrant further comment; so quit complaining about how hot it is at your house!
Extremely Miserable - a situation in which you can honestly say that life is more miserable than it would normally be, if it weren't for the
extreme heat and humidity. For most
Poor Bastard's a
Misery Index reading of
Extremely Miserable is pretty much life as usual during the long hot summer months typical throughout the heartland of
The Kingdom.
Itinerant Poor Bastards, who have the misfortune of visiting the heartland when
Extremely Miserable conditions exist, are likely to complain far in excess of what the actual conditions warrant; a clear sign that they are interlopers from beyond the indigenous home of the
Poor Bastard.
Unbelievably Miserable - this state of affairs is truly an
unbelievable period of absurdly hot, humid weather during which
Poor Bastards throughout the realm can be heard waling long and loudly about how damned hot and miserable it has been for months. Being prone to exaggeration such as they are, many
Poor Bastards, during a period of
Unbelievably Miserable weather, will tend to embellish their
Poor Bastard Tales of Woe about just how miserable they have been for as long as they can remember. Although amusing to the non-native species who are within ear-shot, such whining and complaining quickly grows tiresome for
Genuine Poor Bastards who have spent much of their natural life living in
Unbelievably Miserable conditions.
Ridiculously F-ing Miserable - a truly life-changing period of
ridiculously f-ing miserable hot and humid weather, the likes of which even the most
Hard-Core Poor Bastards are hard pressed to remember experiencing. During a period when the
Misery Index is rated as
Ridiculously F-ing Miserable all manner of chaos and general mayhem is likely to break out throughout
The Kingdom....crime rates soar; incidents of alcohol-induced
Poor Bastard behavior will inevitably show a sharp increase.....and the 6:00PM news reports will begin to fill with sad tales of people who have died or otherwise suffered great personal tragedy as a result of the
ridiculously f-ing miserable heat and humidity!
With reports of 100 degree temperatures in parts of the Midwest filtering into the
Poor Bastard World Headquarters since March of this year, the
Grand Poo Ba has been predicting a record-setting summer of
generally extreme and
unbelievably ridiculous f-
ing miserable heat and humidity.....
Aaaah.....the lazy days of summer!
