One of the unwavering characteristics of all Poor Bastards is their willingness to sacrifice just about anything in the interest of having a good time. Weekends are therefore a big deal in the lives of most Poor Bastards as this is the time when, if you organize your schedule properly, it is possible to waste every bit of 48 straight hours doing absolutely nothing any more useful than drinking beer and cooking animal parts over an open fire.
And while this may seem like an under-achievers dream come true, the fact is that over the years many a Poor Bastard has become pretty damned good at whipping up a tasty fricassee, a mouth-watering barbecued pig carcass or even just a nice steaming hot bowl of Wolf Brand Chili! Of course a Poor Bastard wouldn't be a Poor Bastard if they didn't have an ice chest full of cheap, swill beer at the ready; overflowing with a combination of wine coolers (for the Old Lady) and whatever light beer happened to be on sale when they last visited the store.
Now this isn't to say that you can't be a Poor Bastard if you don't drink cheap beer, as there have been an untold number of landmark Poor Bastard stories emerge from the fallout of an all night bender with a bottle of tequila or a refrigerator full of Cook's Sparking Wine, which most Poor Bastard's think is champagne. The point is that when the weekend rolls around (about 3:00pm on Friday afternoon) the Poor Bastard is at the ready; half rack in hand, ice chest loaded, pig parts poised to hit the grill!
Another inherent trait of the Poor Bastard is their eagerness to share such outlandishly good times with other Poor Bastards who seem to have equally little ambition or other life adventures to pursue. This combination of simple good times, an innate sense of camaraderie and an undying love of beer and BBQ is at the very core of the Poor Bastard Social Order.
One of the things which separates the Garden-Variety Poor Bastard from the True Poor Bastard is that the True Poor Bastard does not necessarily possess these inherent qualities. The True Poor Bastard may look forward to the weekend, and all the fun and good times which may follow, but it is just as likely that the True Poor Bastard may have already reached the zenith of fun earlier in the week; and therefore the weekend is just another 48 hours in the never ending cycle of under-achievement and wasted opportunity.
Let's face it, when you are a True Poor Bastard like Charlie Sheen and you have already been caught in the bathroom of your favorite New York City discotheque on a Thursday night, with your pants down around your ankles and your face buried in pile of cocaine you have dumped out all over the lavatory counter, how much more fun can you possibly have?....And the weekend isn't even here yet!
Not to single out Charlie for any particular reason, but every farmer knows that you have to plant the seeds where the sun shines.
So for this weekend the fun and games begins about now. If you are on the East Coast it is almost 10:00am and the BBQ should be about ready to fire up.
If you are in the mid-western U.S. - home to the highest per-capita concentration of Poor Bastards in the world - it is approaching 9:00am; time to ice down the beer and hose out the BBQ.
If you are heading to The Lake today (a place near and dear to the hearts of many Poor Bastards), then you should already have the boat hitched to the pickup with all the provisions for a Poor Bastard weekend piled into the back of the boat.
If you are on the West Coast, it is 7:00am; time for an espresso and a bowl of granola with soy milk. The wood-fired BBQ smoker is out of the question, since it isn't the "green" thing to do to burn a wood fire anywhere west of the Rockies, but the stainless steel propane gas grill is at the ready....after all burning fossil fuels is the American way!
The good news is that those organic, free-range baby backs you picked up at the Whole Foods Market (referred to by Garden-Variety Poor Bastards as Whole Paycheck) were only $6.79 a lb so you were able to grab a few racks and it only set you back $200.
Your favorite micro brew was on sale for only $8 a six pack and that triple cream brie the Old Lady asked you to pick up is actually pretty tasty...
But in the end, you are still just a Poor Bastard!
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
The Grand Poor Bastard & The Origins of the Fraternal Order of the Poor Bastard
The Grand Poor Bastard, or Grand Poo Ba as he is known by many, is a 54 year old, aging white male that hails from the Great State of Texas and who struggles with the requisite body-hair management issues generally associated with this sub-genus of the human race.
The Grand Poor Bastard goes by the nickname Cosmo, which was bestowed upon him 40 years ago by a group of friends in junior high school. Several of these folks have been life long friends ever since and a number were among the earliest members of the Inner Circle of The Fraternal Order of the Poor Bastard.
The concept of the Poor Bastard evolved from the slightly warped mind of Cosmo and his Inner Circle cohorts back in the mid-1970's after he had ventured out into the world of high finance and entrepreneurial endeavor, thinking he would blaze a trail of wealth and success by simply building a better mousetrap and waiting for the world to beat the proverbial path to his door.
After finding that nothing could be further from the truth; and that the reality in the world was that very few successful business types ever actually build a better mousetrap, Cosmo’s idealistic vision of the grandiose world of business was shattered.
Subsequently Cosmo set about seeking answers to the age old philosophic questions-
"Why are some people more successful for others?"
"...And, what does it take to be successful?"
What he determined was that success was more than likely due to who you knew, where you went to school, how much money you had inherited and how effective you were at combining these advantages into your business plans. Why else do you think rich folks would pay all that money to join country clubs or send their children to those exclusive private schools?
A good example of how this works is the way Washington DC and the world of politics functions.
Upon further reflection it dawned on Cosmo that there existed in the modern American sociological pantheon two principal classes of people-
Those who came by the tools of success the old fashioned way...through inheritance!
And the rest of society who were, for the most part Poor Bastards; destined to schlep through life in search of the elusive notion of fame, success and a wonderful life, while toiling away at shitty little jobs (the rock pile), living in shitty little houses, drinking shitty beer and living a more or less shitty life!
As the concept of the Poor Bastard continued to evolve it became apparent that there existed many Poor Bastards within the ranks of the privileged class, that small minority who had heretofore been considered the antitheses of the Poor Bastard.
Cosmo and his fellow members of the Fraternal Order, known at that time as the Poor Bastard's Club (which grew quite rapidly during the early years) then decided that these miserable individuals needed their own sub-classification within the ranks of the Poor Bastards...True Poor Bastards!
True Poor Bastards prove once and for all that any and all among us have the potential to be a Poor Bastard. No amount of money, success, fame or fortune is enough to prevent even the mightiest of individuals from being cast among the heathen Poor Bastard class to malinger with mass of humanity which H.L. Mencken referred to as " the great unwashed."
The Garden-Variety Poor Bastard is easily identified, as it can be anyone from among the mass of humanity who doesn’t go to happy hour at the local country club; doesn’t pay the bill with an American Express Platinum Card; and has likely never stepped foot on a golf course, unless it was to mow the grass.
The True Poor Bastard is often found among the glitterati; i.e. the celebrity icons of our hero-worshiping, idolatrous culture. The political arena of America always brings forth a bevy of fresh faces who belong squarely in the ranks of the True Poor Bastard class.
Among the more recent and notable figures who have been bestowed the dubious distinction of being a True Poor Bastard by the Fraternal Order of The Poor Bastard are the individuals listed below. A brief explanation of what qualified them for this distinguished title, is also provided:
Sarah Palin - dual qualifier as she would have easily qualified as a generic Poor Bastard prior to her meteoric rise to stardom as a mouth piece for the Republican Party. The fact that she has continued to stick her foot further and further into her big mouth ever since she arrived on the national stage clearly qualifies her as a True Poor Bastard; and proves incontrovertibly the old Mark Twain adage that, "it is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid, than to open it and remove all doubt."
Rush Limbaugh - notwithstanding his extremely distasteful political views, his obvious racist beliefs, or his general ignorance, what really qualifies Limbaugh as a True Poor Bastard is the fact that while earning $400,000,000 a year he was exposed as a prescription drug addict who was such a bumbling fool that he had to resort to purchasing his stash from an illegal, underground source; rather than just going to the doctor and bribing them to supply him with an unlimited supply; like all the rest of the rich Poor Bastards do.
Donald Trump - Does this one really need an explanation? His lack of body-hair management skills alone qualifies him on all fronts as a True Poor Bastard.
Charlie Sheen - You could write a book about this Poor Bastard buffoon and why he is a True Poor Bastard. Cosmo won’t go into detail here because this bloke is sure to be a topic of future blog posts in The Poor Bastard’s Gazette.
Bernie Madoff - first of all, his name. Here’s a guy who stole more money than most banks own, and his last name is Madoff. Perhaps it was manifest destiny that he made off with all that loot. More to the point though, one has to ask oneself-
“Why on earth does the head of NASDAQ need to steal $70 BILLION DOLLARS?”
Couldn’t he somehow have managed to find a way to scrape by on whatever MILLIONS he was certainly earning from legitimate sources? Bernie’s behavior was so egregious that the High Council of The Fraternal Order of The Poor Bastard is considering naming a special award after Madoff in honor of his unprecedented display of greed and hubris. In the meantime he will no doubt be comforted to know that as he wiles away his time in the big house, his past actions have earned him the distinction of being a True Poor Bastard!
The Grand Poor Bastard goes by the nickname Cosmo, which was bestowed upon him 40 years ago by a group of friends in junior high school. Several of these folks have been life long friends ever since and a number were among the earliest members of the Inner Circle of The Fraternal Order of the Poor Bastard.
The concept of the Poor Bastard evolved from the slightly warped mind of Cosmo and his Inner Circle cohorts back in the mid-1970's after he had ventured out into the world of high finance and entrepreneurial endeavor, thinking he would blaze a trail of wealth and success by simply building a better mousetrap and waiting for the world to beat the proverbial path to his door.
After finding that nothing could be further from the truth; and that the reality in the world was that very few successful business types ever actually build a better mousetrap, Cosmo’s idealistic vision of the grandiose world of business was shattered.
Subsequently Cosmo set about seeking answers to the age old philosophic questions-
"Why are some people more successful for others?"
"...And, what does it take to be successful?"
What he determined was that success was more than likely due to who you knew, where you went to school, how much money you had inherited and how effective you were at combining these advantages into your business plans. Why else do you think rich folks would pay all that money to join country clubs or send their children to those exclusive private schools?
A good example of how this works is the way Washington DC and the world of politics functions.
Upon further reflection it dawned on Cosmo that there existed in the modern American sociological pantheon two principal classes of people-
Those who came by the tools of success the old fashioned way...through inheritance!
And the rest of society who were, for the most part Poor Bastards; destined to schlep through life in search of the elusive notion of fame, success and a wonderful life, while toiling away at shitty little jobs (the rock pile), living in shitty little houses, drinking shitty beer and living a more or less shitty life!
As the concept of the Poor Bastard continued to evolve it became apparent that there existed many Poor Bastards within the ranks of the privileged class, that small minority who had heretofore been considered the antitheses of the Poor Bastard.
Cosmo and his fellow members of the Fraternal Order, known at that time as the Poor Bastard's Club (which grew quite rapidly during the early years) then decided that these miserable individuals needed their own sub-classification within the ranks of the Poor Bastards...True Poor Bastards!
True Poor Bastards prove once and for all that any and all among us have the potential to be a Poor Bastard. No amount of money, success, fame or fortune is enough to prevent even the mightiest of individuals from being cast among the heathen Poor Bastard class to malinger with mass of humanity which H.L. Mencken referred to as " the great unwashed."
The Garden-Variety Poor Bastard is easily identified, as it can be anyone from among the mass of humanity who doesn’t go to happy hour at the local country club; doesn’t pay the bill with an American Express Platinum Card; and has likely never stepped foot on a golf course, unless it was to mow the grass.
The True Poor Bastard is often found among the glitterati; i.e. the celebrity icons of our hero-worshiping, idolatrous culture. The political arena of America always brings forth a bevy of fresh faces who belong squarely in the ranks of the True Poor Bastard class.
Among the more recent and notable figures who have been bestowed the dubious distinction of being a True Poor Bastard by the Fraternal Order of The Poor Bastard are the individuals listed below. A brief explanation of what qualified them for this distinguished title, is also provided:
Sarah Palin - dual qualifier as she would have easily qualified as a generic Poor Bastard prior to her meteoric rise to stardom as a mouth piece for the Republican Party. The fact that she has continued to stick her foot further and further into her big mouth ever since she arrived on the national stage clearly qualifies her as a True Poor Bastard; and proves incontrovertibly the old Mark Twain adage that, "it is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid, than to open it and remove all doubt."
Rush Limbaugh - notwithstanding his extremely distasteful political views, his obvious racist beliefs, or his general ignorance, what really qualifies Limbaugh as a True Poor Bastard is the fact that while earning $400,000,000 a year he was exposed as a prescription drug addict who was such a bumbling fool that he had to resort to purchasing his stash from an illegal, underground source; rather than just going to the doctor and bribing them to supply him with an unlimited supply; like all the rest of the rich Poor Bastards do.
Donald Trump - Does this one really need an explanation? His lack of body-hair management skills alone qualifies him on all fronts as a True Poor Bastard.
Charlie Sheen - You could write a book about this Poor Bastard buffoon and why he is a True Poor Bastard. Cosmo won’t go into detail here because this bloke is sure to be a topic of future blog posts in The Poor Bastard’s Gazette.
Bernie Madoff - first of all, his name. Here’s a guy who stole more money than most banks own, and his last name is Madoff. Perhaps it was manifest destiny that he made off with all that loot. More to the point though, one has to ask oneself-
“Why on earth does the head of NASDAQ need to steal $70 BILLION DOLLARS?”
Couldn’t he somehow have managed to find a way to scrape by on whatever MILLIONS he was certainly earning from legitimate sources? Bernie’s behavior was so egregious that the High Council of The Fraternal Order of The Poor Bastard is considering naming a special award after Madoff in honor of his unprecedented display of greed and hubris. In the meantime he will no doubt be comforted to know that as he wiles away his time in the big house, his past actions have earned him the distinction of being a True Poor Bastard!
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