Has-Been Poor Bastard Chuck Norris Endorses The Man Who Would Be King!

It has been evident for decades that Has-Been Poor Bastard karate-man Chuck Norris couldn't act his way out of a paper bag - strutting around in front of the camera like he had a hot poker stuck up his ass and mumbling his lines like he was doing a bad impersonation of The Terminator - but apparently the Poor Bastard's punch-drunk brain doesn't work at all based on this latest report from the desk of some backroom Hollywood spin doctor who obviously needs to find a more fulfilling line of work!

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/ticket/chuck-norris-endorses-newt-gingrich-224223391.html

It seems the Poor Bastard whose washed-up acting career has included such classic television drivel as "Walker, Texas Ranger" has decided to endorse Newt Gingrich's presidential candidacy after learning that Crackpot Poor Bastard and former razorback governor Mike Huckabee had been officially declared too stupid to run for president.

To add insult to stupidity Kung-fu Carlos has also made the mistake of thinking that the rest of us Poor Bastards actually give a big fat rat's ass about who he feels should be the exalted leader of The Kingdom of The Poor Bastard.

The Grand Poo Ba isn't sure which figure is more pathetic...a has-been, 1970's era d-grade actor who has been relegated to the cable-wonderland infomercial circuit to keep off the unemployment line?

Or a washed-up, bloated male chauvinist political hack from the backwoods of the Peach State; who is seen here dressed for his role as the official Court Jester of the Presidential Poor Bastard Class of 2012!

Whiskey: A Matter Of Principle!

The Poor Bastard's Gazette Joke of The Week once again comes to us from Gary (Studs) Nebgen, a lifelong resident of The Great State of Texas...And while it isn't really a "joke" in the classic sense of the word, it is, none-the-less, classic Poor Bastard Logic in every sense of the meaning!


Gary is a native son of the Texas Hill Country and one of the Original Poor Bastards, who has been one of the Grand Poo Ba's longstanding sidekicks and drinking buddies for the better part of 40 years....

And if I might say so myself, I think ol' Studs Nebgen has outdone himself this time!

WHISKEY

In 1952, Armon M. Sweat, Jr., a member of the Texas House of Representatives, was asked about his position on whiskey. What follows is his exact answer (taken from the Political Archives of Texas):

"If you mean whiskey, the devil's brew, the poison scourge, the bloody monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home, creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of little children; if you mean that evil drink that topples Christian men and women from the pinnacles of righteous and gracious living into the bottomless pit of degradation, shame, despair, helplessness, and hopelessness, then, my friend, I am opposed to it with every fiber of my being.

However, if by whiskey you mean the lubricant of conversation, the philosophic juice, the elixir of life, the liquid that is consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if you mean Christmas cheer, the stimulating sip that puts a little spring in the step of an elderly gentleman on a frosty morning; if you mean that drink that enables man to magnify his joy, and to forget life's great tragedies and heartbreaks and sorrow; if you mean that drink the sale of which pours into our treasuries untold millions of dollars each year, that provides tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest highways, hospitals, universities, and community colleges in this nation, then my friend, I am absolutely, unequivocally in favor of it.

This is my position, and as always, I refuse to compromise on matters of principle."

You have to admit they just don't make Poor Bastards like Armon Sweat, Jr. anymore!

Presidential Poor Bastard Mitt Romney Wears Funny Underwear!

It has been rumored for years that Mormons wear funny underwear as part of some weird religious belief system...Sources even say that Mormons in the military can purchase camouflage Mormon underwear so they have a matched set to go along with their battle fatigues.

The Grand Poo Ba just received this photo from a source who wishes to remain anonymous, showing Mitt Romney and the little lady Ann wearing their matching set of the Emporor's underwear!

Poor Bastards will no doubt appreciate the on-board cod-piece that old Mitt is sporting...

Or as Poor Bastards call it... the "cock-sock!"

Now that's what the editorial staff here at The Poor Bastard's Gazette call a  real "Presidential Looking Poor Bastard!"

Sarah Palin Picks Fight With Critic...

Could the Grand Poo Ba ever get so lucky as to have Nan-Nookie Of The North-Sarah Palin pick a fight with him in the court of public opinion?

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/cutline/sarah-palin-slams-newsweek-giving-conspiracy-kook-writer-175811299.html

Man o' man.....I'm holding my breath!...This could be the big break I need!

The Bell Tolls For Many Presidential Poor Bastards!

Well, as January starts to wind down and Poor Bastards throughout The Realm get back to the business of anointing an Exalted Poor Bastard to lead the down-trodden mass of humanity that H.L. Mencken referred to as "the great unwashed", we see those Perennial Poor Bastards over at the republican primary camp finally beginning to grow road-weary after two-plus years of grinding away on the presidential campaign stump!

The last month or so has brought about a rash of surrenders from the right-wing faction of The Kingdom's political class known as the "republican party." It seems like only yesterday that the campaign trail was littered with Floundering Poor Bastards, the likes of which included such notable personages as-

Sarah-my daughter ain't no drunken teenaged tramp-Palin, http://wonkette.com/448008/riveting-new-bristol-palin-memoir-tells-how-to-get-pregnant-while-drunk 
  
Michele-I never saw a weenie this big-Bachmann-

 












Mike-I'm even too stupid to be president-Huckabee, http://thisiswhyyourestupid.com/2011/05/mike-huckabee/

Tim-what public office DID I get elected to anyway-Pawlenty, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/29/tim-pawlenty-least-influential-person-gq_n_1118675.html

Donald-what's my hair got to do with it-Trump-

Rick-just who is that Dan Savage guy-Santorum, http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/602a41c3d7/dan-savage-s-new-threat-to-rick-santorum
  
Ron-I'm gonna run for president until I die-Paul, http://www.newsytype.com/6158-ron-paul-running-for-president/ 

Rick-what's wrong with pissing on dead bad guys-Perry, http://www.bostonherald.com/news/us_politics/view/20120116rick_perry_says_marines_who_urinated_on_dead_bodies_are_kids/srvc=home&position=recent

Newt-why can't I be king-Gingrich-

 

John-I gotta quit spending so much time with Poor Bastard republicans-Huntsman, 
http://www.indecisionforever.com/2012/01/16/jon-huntsman-quits-race-to-spend-less-time-with-republican-voters/  

Mitt-I ain't got no "Mormon problem"-Romney, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kd0N_4xM-o 

And the soon to be forgotten-

Herman-I didn't screw no white woman-Cain, http://articles.businessinsider.com/2011-11-28/politics/30449419_1_herman-cain-sexual-harassment-accusations-cain-train

The Huntsman camp announced this past weekend that Big John was stepping down to begin putting as much distance as possible between their guy and the Crackpot Poor Bastards in the republican party...with the hope that 2016 might offer a better presidential opportunity for the ex-governor of Utah...Which in the Grand Poo Ba's opinion is the most frightening principality in the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard!

Huntsman's anticipated departure from the campaign trail leaves us with perennial Poor Bastard presidential candidate Ron Paul, who it seems has been running for president since the Grand Poo Ba was in high school...

The nagging nuisance Newt Gingrich, who was disappointed to learn only last week that he wouldn't be allowed to become the official King of the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard...






The Foolish Poor Bastard from the Great State, Texas Governor Rick-Governor Goodhair-Perry, who only this morning publicly defended the young Marines who were caught on video urinating on the corpses of alleged Taliban fighters in Afghanistan....

"Hell-bells" said 'ol Rick, 

"...they's just kids havin' a little fun!....why when I was in college we used to set off M-80 firecrackers under the ass of our roommates when they was takin' a crap...!"

"...hehehe!....boy-howdy them was the good 'ol days!"

And last but not least the Silver-Spoon Poor Bastard Mitt Romney - a true white man among white men - who is all but certain to become the next Presidential Poor Bastard candidate to represent the republicans in their effort to unseat incumbent democratic Poor Bastard Barack O-Blah-Blah-Bama...in what promises to be true media circus in this Romanesque Age of Spectacle which the Rank & File Poor Bastard class find themselves living today!