Another One Bites The Dust....

The summer of 2011 may go down in history as the year of the great heatwave but around the office at The Poor Bastard's Gazette it will always be known as the year that Poor Bastard congressional sex perverts finally stepped out of the closet and into the limelight.

By now everyone is certainly aware that yet another Degenerate Poor Bastard has crawled out from under his chair in the United States Congress in the person of  Oregon democratic congressman David Wu; who was accused of engaging in "unwanted and aggressive sexual behavior" with the18 year daughter of a friend and campaign donor.....

Which, of course, immediately earned him the dubious title of True Poor Bastard for demonstrating once again that a Poor Bastard is genetically wired to make the worst out of a seemingly good situation; especially when it is all but certain to bring shame, misery and personal suffering to their otherwise privileged life.

Our latest Poor Bastard Tale of Woe is near and dear to the Grand Poo Ba's heart as it just so happens that Poor Bastard Wu is the congressional representative from Oregon's First Congressional District, where the Grand Poo Ba resides and where the Poor Bastard World Headquarters is located.....

Almost as if we had ordered the story up straight from the Almighty Poor Bastard and Lord of the Poor Bastard Realm!

The Poor Bastard congressman joins the illustrious company of two other noted Poor Bastards and political luminaries from the "Beaver State" and its checkered political past.....

...Former U.S. Senator Bob Packwood, another True Poor Bastard Senator  from Oregon, who served for 26 years before being forced to resign after numerous women came forward with accusations that Packwood had subjected them to unwanted sexual advances......

"Groping Bob" as he was affectionately known among The Illiterati, enjoyed near legendary status among local bar crowds in downtown Portland for his skill at slipping in a little tongue action when a woman would concede to a friendly peck on the lips!...

The Poor Bastard  left his senate post in shame only to return triumphantly as a successful Washington DC lobbyist who reportedly earns several million dollars a year negotiating lucrative political deals for his clients....and perhaps groping and pecking along the way!

...And the former Mayor of Portland, Governor of Oregon, Secretary of Transportation under Jimmy Carter, and Truly Degenerate Poor Bastard Neil Goldschmidt, who in 2004 was accused of sexing up the family's 14 year-old baby sitter during his tenure as Mayor of the Rose City.....

After it was determined that the statute of limitations for doing the Willie Wonka Polka with an under-aged girl had already expired, Poor Bastard Goldschmidt quickly fessed up to his crimes and slipped away from public view by crawling back under the rock where he had been hiding in Portland's posh enclave known as the West Hills....

For his part our latest congressional Deviant Poor Bastard David Wu,  tried to make quick work of the public embarrassment he found himself in by immediately announcing his retirement from congress and stating in response to the allegations of sexual impropriety only that "the sex was consensual!".......

Body Hair Management: Part II...Manscaping

A recent article published on the Yahoo website lists the ten most offensive grooming mistakes made by Poor Bastard  men, according to women polled on the popular social networking site Facebook. Not surprising in the least was the fact that two of the top five grooming indiscretions involved bad body hair management practices or as it has come to be known, "manscaping!"

Beginning with the most offensive, the top five list looks like this-


1) Long, dirty toe nails - of course these would be offensive to any civilized member of the human race. The fact that it needs to be mentioned that perhaps some Poor Bastard might want to clean up those gnarly toes and trim the overgrown shrapnel says a lot about how little we have progressed as a species.

2) Hair where it shouldn't be - AH HA!.....You see what I mean about this body hair management thing? And the number one complaint from women regarding bad body hair management was...

You guessed it....Those pesky nose hairs known to devotee's of the Grand Poo Ba's rantings here at The Gazette and elsewhere as Reaganomas!

3) Mouth madness - according to the article this one is "just basics" guys....you know the routine, brush those fangs and attack the crevasses between those lower  bicuspids with a piece of dental floss; or at least a piece of discarded fishing line. Nobody, including your best Poor Bastard Buddy, wants your steamy horse's breath full of toxic particulate matter blowing in their direction.....hell, that will even chase away the family dog!

4) Unattractive smells - Duuuuuh?.......If you can't pick up a stick of Gillette roll-on for men and quit bustin' the cheese in front of mixed company, then you have no one to blame but yourself for not being able to land a hot date! Your Bud Light guzzling Poor Bastard buddies may think it's funny as hell that you can raise the roof off of a castle with your flatulence, but the better half doesn't find this sort of behavior particularly attractive in a mate.

5) Eyebrow issues - you see what the Grand Poo Ba is talking about here with this body hair management thing? According to women who responded to the poll either too much or too little in the way of eyebrow hair was unacceptable. Meaning that it's not just about body hair removal....it's also about balance and proportion. And when it comes to something like eyebrows the ladies don't want to see a national forest shading those baby blues any more than they want to see a waxed eyebrow region that makes you look like the Mona Lisa dressed up like a drag queen!

The article goes on to discuss other defects in the Poor Bastard grooming regimen that will turn even the most ardent female admirers away before you get your foot in the door, but suffice it to say that the days of the hairy beast roaming the forest in search of sustenance and a mate may well be behind us!