Poor Bastard's Gazette Joke of The Week...

The Poor Bastard Joke of The Week entry for January 14, 2012 is actually a series of jokes sent in by an anonymous Old-Time Poor Bastard from right here in the Poor Bastard Heaven known as Portland, OR to most of The Kingdom....and known to local Poor Bastards as Stump-town!


Poor Bastard Advertising-

 

A True Poor Bastard's Lament-

A Domesticated Poor Bastard calls 911 and says:

"I think my wife is dead."

The 911 operator asks: 

"How do you know?"

The Poor Bastard replies: 

"The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

In Memory of Ultimate Poor Bastard Rodney Dangerfield -

 

A Poor Bastard's wife has been missing a week now.

The police tell him to prepare for the worst.

So, he goes down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

 And Finally Another Texas-Style Poor Bastard-

A drunken Poor Bastard lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed him, he whispered to the patron, 'Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.'

The semi-coherent Poor Bastard groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient: 'Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.'

Once again, the Poor Bastard just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the comatose Poor Bastard, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, 'All right you Poor Bastard, what's your name?'

'Jerry,' the Poor Bastard moaned.

'Where ya from, Jerry?' asked the Ranger.

...With a terrible pained tone in his voice, and without moving a muscle, the Poor Bastard replied,

'...The balcony...'

January 12, 1971 - A Day That Lives In Infamy...

While he was busy toiling away at the rock pile the Grand Poo Ba almost overlooked one of the most important anniversary dates in the pantheon of the Great American Poor Bastard Class....But then if he wasn't always a day late and a dollar short, the Grand Poo Ba wouldn't really deserve his rightful place atop the Poor Bastard Heap!

January 12, 1971 will live in infamy in the hearts and minds of Poor Bastards throughout The Kingdom as the date the iconic Original Poor Bastard Archie Bunker, first appeared on American television!

This watershed moment in Poor Bastard History marks the first time that Poor Bastards one and all - ranging from the rank and file Garden-Variety Poor Bastard to Elitist Poor Bastards from the world of politics, academia and the exclusive confines of that Poor Bastard mecca known as Hollywood - were confronted with a caricature of their collective Inner Poor Bastard, in the image of Archie Bunker; the semi-literate, loose-cannon and Rank & File Poor Bastard portrayed by actor and True Poor Bastard in his own right, Carroll O'Connor.

From the first moment he appeared in the living rooms, converted garages and mobile homes of Poor Bastards throughout The Kingdom, this iconic figure was destined to become a legend among the Poor Bastard Class; as evidenced by All In The Family's six year run as the #1 rated television show in the yearly Nielsen ratings - beginning in 1971 and continuing through 1976 virtually unchallenged for the top spot as the most popular show on network television!

Since that time, network television programming and the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard in general have never been the same, as the show's ground-breaking efforts succeeded in loosening the tightly drawn sphincter of moral hypocrisy, collective societal ignorance and cultural denial which had plagued the mass-media circus known as "broadcast television" since its inception almost three decades prior.

As it turns out Poor Bastards throughout The Realm had simply had enough of Lawrence Welk, Father Knows Best, Leave It To Beaver and Lassie...What they really wanted to see was what their Inner Poor Bastard looked like in the mirror!

The success of the show is generally recognized by historians, sociologists and mental health professionals as the beginning of the end in terms of there being any hope of rescuing the human gene pool from its continued descent into the abyss of Poor Bastard mediocrity and the lowest common denominator process known as "natural selection."

In an unfortunate Poor Bastard twist of fate, actor Carroll O' Conner ended up spending the last years of his life living out a True Poor Bastard nightmare as his drug-addicted adopted son Hugh O' Conner committed suicide in 1995 at the age of 32.

So when all of you Poor Bastards out there in The Kingdom head back to the trailer tonight after another hard day at your meaningless job, you might want to stop off at your favorite tavern to raise a toast and torch up a stogie in memory of the man, Carroll O' Conner, and the pop-culture image, Archie Bunker, that made you famous and put the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard on the map.!

2011 Poor Bastard Of The Year Says "He Is No Longer Crazy!"

In an effort to salvage his dying celebrity status, Ultimate True Poor Bastard and 2011's Official Poor Bastard of The Year award winner, Charlie Sheen, is back in the news proclaiming that he is "not crazy anymore...!"

http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/charlie-sheen-crazy-ready-produce-star-anger-management-article-1.1003345

By proclaiming himself "cured" of his craziness - the Poor Bastard who has come to embody the essence of the Ultimate Poor Bastard - is no doubt hoping to regain sufficient celebrity status among the Illiterati so that his gawking mug might once again grace the big-screen TV's of Garden-Variety Poor Bastards throughout The Kingdom of The Poor Bastard.

Charlie made the announcement during an appearance on a Fox network TV broadcast that was designed to entertain Rank & File Poor Bastards with a babbling panel of has-been celebrities; including the 2011 Poor Bastard of The Year!

Regular readers of The Poor Bastard's Gazette should have no problem recalling the antics of this Ultimate Poor Bastard, which proved to be a sufficient display of Poor Bastard depravity and self-pity to justify having the High Council of The Fraternal Order of The Poor Bastard award Mr. Sheen the coveted Poor Bastard of The Year title for 2011!

If you happened to miss all of the hoopla that surrounded this Ultimate Poor Bastard during his well publicized 2011 melt down, you can review the entire story right here at The Poor Bastard's Gazette-

http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=457005350411631922#editor/target=post;postID=8614972903963625063

The well deserved Poor Bastard of The Year title was perhaps a foregone conclusion well before the end of the year as Charlie, in a brazen and unprecedented act of colossal Poor Bastard Stupidity, kicked his $26,000,000 a year TV gig to the curb; along with his household harem of teen-aged porn starlets...before the epic heatwave of 2011 was even a blip on the radar screen of Poor Bastard weather-watchers throughout The Kingdom.

 When asked to comment on his newly regained sanity the Ultimate Poor Bastard replied-

“I think I’m a different person than I was yesterday,”.....“Everything is a lot more mellow and focused and much more rooted in reality.”





Boy we're glad to hear that he is "...much more rooted in reality" because at $26,000,000 a year in lost earnings, the Poor Bastard is also $71, 232.88 poorer than he was yesterday!

Rick Santorum Asks..."Who Is This Dan Savage Guy Anyway?"

Ft. Worth, TX resident Scott Shirley, a Genuine Poor Bastard and ardent supporter of all things Poor Bastard, has brought this most excellent Poor Bastard Tale of Woe to the attention of the Grand Poo Ba.

http://www.slate.com/articles/technology/webhead/2011/07/lube_job.html?fb_ref=sm_fb_like_chunky&fb_source=profile_oneline

It concerns the late-blooming republican presidential hopeful and Crackpot Poor Bastard Rick Santorum, someone who is obviously deserving of the highest Poor Bastard honors!

Being an East Coast based moral extremist and political hack in general, Poor Bastard Santorum obviously had no idea exactly what it could mean to his public image were he to cross paths with the sharp-witted, outspoken and openly gay Dan Savage - no doubt a Poor Bastard in his own right - but one who is far more adept at wielding the double-edged sword of media influence.


For Poor Bastards throughout The Kingdom who are similarly unfamiliar with Mr. Savage and his quick wit, the Grand Poo Ba went into the archives and dug up this newsreel-

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/602a41c3d7/dan-savage-s-new-threat-to-rick-santorum

Proving once again that you just can't make this stuff up!