Randy Dandy From Chapel Hill Brought Up on Charges...

Notable Poor Bastard and former North Carolina Senator John Edwards (D) - the Randy Dandy From Chapel Hill - has finally been brought up on charges by federal prosecutors.

The next thing we can expect is to see is the requisite photo-op of the Randy Poor Bastard doing the all, to familiar Poor Bastard's Perp-Walk...or as we like to call it around here at the Poor Bastard World Headquarters, the Jail-House Stroll...


The trials and tribulations of Edwards and his wandering wiener have been previously chronicled in the May 22, 2011 post right here in the Poor Bastard's Gazette blogspot titled,  A Brief History of Slime...therefore the Grand Poo Ba won't bother with another recitation of the insufferable details.

Suffice it to say, you heard it here first because that's what we do here at The Gazette....because Inquiring Poor Bastards want to know!

Poor Bastard Daisy-Chain & Other Observations From the Kingdom....

Some days you just don't know where to begin....

Yesterday the Grand Poo Ba was at the command station here at the Poor Bastard World Headquarters until late into the night as the Poor Bastard Tales just kept rolling across the wire and then when he settles in this  morning he finds a bevy of new Tales of Woe from around the Kingdom of the Poor Bastard!

At first he thought maybe it would be a good day for a quick summary of some of the more recent and notable Poor Bastard Tales, but then he landed on a real doozy involving a Poor Bastard Daisy Chain that includes the 89 year old crackpot and Poor Bastard Man of God Harold Camping, who had been preaching to his flock for the last ten years that the world would come to an end precisely on May 21, 2011....

But before we get to that Poor Bastard Tale, let's review a handful of the more notable events of the last 24 hours from around the Kingdom.


No More War on Drugs - The Reuters news agency is reporting that a "high-level international commission" known as The Global Commission on Drug Policy, has determined that the "global war on drugs" has been a failure. Now for those of you Poor Bastards who are too young to remember, the "war on drugs" was the brain-child of one of the most Notable, High-Level, Original, Presidential Poor Bastard's in the history of all things Poor Bastard....Richard Milhouse Nixon!....

The "war on drugs" might not be winnable, but it is a growth industry in places like Mexico...seen here is the latest haul by the infamous Mexican Policia Federal - or "Federales"...

So, one might expect that a program conceived by one of the most Iconic Poor Bastards in history would eventually be deemed a complete failure; but that's not what makes this story such a great Poor Bastard Tale...

No, what makes this story worthy of mention, here in The Gazette, is the fact that this so called "high-level international commission", comprised of some of the most Notable Poor Bastards in the Kingdom, is just now getting around to figuring out that the "war on drugs" is a failure! While the other five or six BILLION citizens of the Global Kingdom of the Poor Bastard have been well aware of this fact for decades!

No foolin' folks.....these are the people we elect to run the Kingdom!.....

Any questions?


Note to Poor Bastards: No Swimming Allowed - The next tale involves a 51 year-old Canadian Poor Bastardette who plunged to her death after being swept over the top of Niagara Falls. Witnesses reported seeing the woman go over the falls after she appeared to be swimming in the river above the famed Horseshoe Falls on the Niagara River.

The Niagara Falls Regional Police are reporting that the woman did not appear to be struggling in the water prior to her unfortunate demise and there does not appear to be any evidence of foul play.  Employees on the famous Maid of the Mist tour boat fished the Poor Bastardette's body out of the water after she had fallen to her death.....

Any of you Poor Bastard's feel like a dip?







Time for a  Poor Bastard Reset here-

River in Canada = COLD F-ing water!

Niagara Falls = COLD F-ing water & DANGEROUS place to swim!

Woman swimming in COLD, DANGEROUS  F-ing water =  Dumb-F-k Poor Bastardette!

Any questions?


The Poor Bastard Daisy-Chain - Today's big story from among the many Poor Bastard Tales of Woe concerns the Man of God and Genuine Crack-Pot Poor Bastard Harold Camping, and the recent demise of one of Harold's faithful...a Queens, NY Poor Bastardette by the name of Doris Schmitt.

The story is known as a Poor Bastard Daisy-Chain because it involves at least three Poor Bastards,  whose lives end up being impacted by the actions (or inaction) of one or more of the other Poor Bastards involved; often times without the other parties to this cluster-f-k of madness having any idea that they are screwing up some other Poor Bastard's life!

And the story of Harold Camping, Doris Schmitt and Poor Bastardette #3 is just such a Poor Bastard's Tale of Woe!

Poor Bastardette #3 is a woman by the name of Eileen Heuwetter, whose aunt, Doris Schmitt is Poor Bastardette #2 in our Poor Bastard Daisy-Chain.

Doomsday radio preacher-man and Crack-Pot Poor Bastard Harold Camping announces that the end of the world will occur on May 21, 2011...


Now for those of you who may not have been following the trials and tribulations of Poor Bastard #1, Harold Camping, Harold is a radio preacher-man who has been struggling with the routine complications in life that come when you are a Man of God and Crack-Pot Poor Bastard who has been trying for the last ten years to predict the exact date of the end of the world.

But before we go and write off this Man of God as nothing more than an 89 year-old Antiquated Poor Bastard who is suffering from old-timers disease, you should know that Harold is the president and general manager of an organization called Family Stations, Inc...which is a non-profit corporation the purpose of which is to spread the Christian Gospel throughout the Kingdom using its non-stop AM radio broadcast known as "Family Radio"....And according to information obtained from the IRS, Family Stations, Inc. was the recipient of over $18 MILLION in donations in 2009 alone!

So, our Man of God and his worthy crusade to save the Kingdom of the Poor Bastard from its heathen self  are a well-oiled group, with the necessary war chest of funds to vanquish the devil-influence within Poor Bastards throughout the Kingdom. And they use the AM radio broadcast media as a forum to preach apocalyptic, fire and brimstone-style doomsday Christianity to faithful followers and Skeptical Poor Bastards among us...one of whom just so happened to be the ever-faithful Poor Bastardette #2, Doris Schmitt!

And after decades of listening to all of his own apocalyptic rhetoric, Harold it seems, had decided back in 2002 that the world, as it is known to all manner of Poor Bastards, was going to come to an end precisely on May 21, 2011....and this is what our Man of God had been trying to convince his faithful believers was going to happen for the last ten years!

Enter one Doris Schmitt, Poor Bastardette #2. Doris it turns out, was an aging shut-in who, according to Poor Bastardette #3, Eileen Heuwetter, had lived a "tough life" struggling with alcoholism, and the loss of two children to the Poor Bastards Disease known as drug addiction; before she herself was finally called home to meet her maker on May 2, 2010, never living to see the day when all of the Good Lord's heathen masses were due to be called home all at once; at least according to Doris's savior, exalted leader and Crack-Pot Poor Bastard #1, Harold Camping.

So after all this we arrive at the doorstep of Poor Bastardette #3, Eileen Heuwetter, Poor Bastardette #2's niece and executor of the her aunt Doris's estate....

Now I know most Poor Bastards are sitting there wondering what kind of an estate would poor aunt Doris have in the first place? After all didn't she live a "tough life" struggling with the alcohol and her children's narcotic abuse?...

Well, yes; at least according to the story. But be that as it may, it seems aunt Doris, at least in a financial sense, wasn't a Poor Bastardette at all. Quite the contrary it turns out she was sitting on a nice little nest-egg of somewhere around $300,000 when she finally got the Big Invitation to come on up!

Hallelujah!...Praise the Lord!

Our story might have ended there as nothing more than a tale of little significance were it not for our Man of God and Crack-Pot Poor Bastard #1 Harold Camping who as it turns out, aunt Doris had been sitting around listening to on the radio "day and night" for the last ten or fifteen years of her life, while he preached his frightening sermon about the apocalyptic end of the Kingdom on May 21, 2011!...

At least this is the story according to Poor Bastardette #3 Eileen Heuwetter.

And apparently Harold's message was quite convincing because he had somehow managed to convince aunt Doris that her $300,000 was going to come in mighty handy to his radio-based religious order between May 2, 2010 and May 21, 2011 when the end of the world was due to arrive....

So the end result of this pathetic Tale of Woe is that when Poor Bastardette #3 shows up to execute her duties as the executor of aunt Doris's estate, she learns that the bulk of the largess has been bequeathed to the Crack-Pot Poor Bastard Harold Camping and his "Radio Family" broadcast ministry!

Upon learning of the news, aunt Doris's extended family expressed outrage and disappointment...

In response to learning that the world wasn't actually scheduled to end on May 21, 2011, they expressed the opinion that it would have been unlikely that dear aunt Doris would have donated the bulk of her estate to Camping's ministry if she had known the world wasn't actually coming to an end on May 21, 2011...

Huh?

Crack-Pot Poor Bastard Harold Camping, for his part, has announced that the deadline for the end of the world has been extended to sometime in October of  2011. ....

Stay tuned...it doesn't get any better than this folks!

Weiner Doesn't Recognize His Own Wiener!

I'm gonna say it one more time......

You can NOT make this stuff up!

Just about the time the Grand Poo Ba decides to pack it in for the day and go fix himself a tasty adult beverage and what do we see coming across the cable-wonderland news wire.....?

New York Congressman Anthony Weiner (D) - The True Poor Bastard  who was alleged to have been been tweetering pictures of his own  pickle for all of his faithful Tweeter followers to see - has just announced that he can't say for sure whether the alleged photo of Weiner's own wiener (or more specifically the Poor Bastard's crotch, with the Poor Bastard's Pickle tucked away safe inside Weiner's skivvies) is, in fact, the alleged Tweetered-meat or not!

True Poor Bastard Congressman Anthony Weiner, shown here studying the photo that is alleged to be his own Tweetered-meat...






Weiner, who up until now has denied that the infamous snapshot of his alleged tweetered-meat was in fact his own crotch-rocket, now says, "he couldn't say with certitude..." whether it was his own Poor Bastard wiener or not!

Of course the bigger question raised (no pun intended) by Weiner's ambiguous response is, "if he can't say with certitude that it is NOT a picture of his own congressional crotch-rocket, then doesn't that suggest he knows full well that it may very well indeed be the Poor Bastard's political pickle all safely tucked away there inside those congressional BVD's?

Perhaps an even more alarming twist to this whole episode is that the entire American Media Spectacle and half the Poor Bastards in the U.S. Congress have come completely unwound over "Weiner-gate!".....

Throughout the country there are grown men and women (Poor Bastards one and all) sitting around the conference table staring into their little cell phone screens, squinting their beady little eyes, and mumbling, "what do you think Bob...is that Weiner's wiener or not?"

Meanwhile Inquiring Poor Bastard's throughout the Kingdom are asking, "just who is running the country?"

A Poor Bastard & His Lottery Ticket...

It seems a day can't slip by that the Grand Poo Ba doesn't open up his web browser only to find one more Poor Bastard Tale of Woe that is worthy of mention...

Today's entry into the annals of The Poor Bastard Tales comes to us from the Grand Poo Ba's native state of Texas, home to the largest indigenous population of Poor Bastards on the planet! Our story concerns a former Garden-Variety Poor Bastard, turned Quintessential Poor Bastard by the name of Willis Willis (no comment).

In a story dated May 31, 2011 the Austin American-Statesman reported that a Garden-Variety Poor Bastard  by the name of Willis Willis, a retired Dallas area maintenance worker, had filed a lawsuit in Travis County, TX against the Texas Lottery Commission, GTech Corp, which runs the lottery, and the owner of a Grand Prairie convenience store where Willis Willis had purchased a winning lottery ticket worth a reported $1,000,000.

The lawsuit alleges that a clerk at the store by the name of Pankaj Joshi, also named in the suit, had kept the ticket after Willis Willis presented it to him to confirm whether or not is was a winner. Joshi then cashed the ticket himself at the lottery commission's headquarters in Austin and immediately fled the country for his native Nepal...(I know...I know).

Willis Willis - the Garden-Variety Poor Bastard who alleges that he was defrauded out of a winning lottery ticket by a Nepalese convenience store clerk named Pankaj Joshi; who fled the U.S. after cashing the winning ticket worth approximately $750,000 after taxes...







Now before we go any further, it seems only appropriate to pass along a few observations about lotteries in general, specifically how they relate to the Garden-Variety Poor Bastard.

Lotteries, for those of you who may be living in a cave, are a state-sponsored gambling enterprise that is used by 43 states, the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands as a revenue generating tool. In effect, a state run lottery is a tax on Poor Bastards who are bad at math....

And apparently there are no small number of Poor Bastards who are just that, because ever since state run lotteries were first legalized sometime back in the 1970's they have grown like a wild-fire in almost every state where they are operated.

The way it works is, millions of Poor Bastards are enticed into purchasing a lottery ticket for a price ranging from 50 cents to $1. Each of the tickets represents one potential winning set of numbers; typically 6 unique numbers out of 44 or more possible selections.

The lure is that if you are the Lucky Poor Bastard  that good fortune is about to visit then you win all of the loot that the other Poor Bastards lose (minus 50% or more that the state keeps to spend how they see fit).

Now, for the uninitiated and those Poor Bastards who have only a grade school understanding of ciphers and basic math, let's review what your actual chances are of being the Lucky Poor Bastard who wins the Big Kahuna on any particular day....

Supposing we have a lottery where you have to select 6 unique numbers from a list that includes the numbers 1 through 49; "unique" in this context meaning that you cannot pick the same number more than once. Known as a 6/49 lotto this is a commonly played game in many states.

So, what do you suppose are the odds of actually picking the 6 correct numbers?

Do you even know how to calculate those odds?


Does it really matter what those odds are?

These are the questions Inquiring Poor Bastards should be asking before they waste their money on this ridiculous game of chance, but as you may have guessed that's not what the overwhelming mass of Poor Bastard  humanity does.....

Oh no, what millions of Poor Bastards do everyday is go out and buy lottery tickets by the fistful, even though their chances of winning the 6/49 lotto are about 1 in 14 million!

And just because you buy a dozen of them at the same time, don't start thinking that will increase your chances of winning 12 times over. The math doesn't work that way!

Because the calculation process is far too complicated for us to go into here, all of you Poor Bastards are just going to have to trust me on this; but rest assured, your chances of winning the lottery are infinitesimally small.....Just as our friend Willis Willis's chances were.....

That's right folks!....Our friend and Fellow Poor Bastard Willis Willis just experienced the success of winning the lottery at odds of 14 million to 1!.....And then he goes and hands his ticket over to some Nepalese convenience store clerk and walks away leaving the clerk with the ticket after he tells Willis Willis that it is no good!....

Now some Poor Bastard's, including this one, might think that Willis Willis would have had just an inkling that his ticket may have been worth something...don't you think?

Otherwise how would he have ever figured out that it was his pilfered ticket the clerk had in fact cashed to the tune of 750 large?

And speaking of Willis Willis, our newly confirmed Quintessential Poor Bastard, it seems that all is not lost...

The Austin Police and Travis County prosecutors have recovered almost $400,000 of the money from a bank account that the alleged thief Pankaj Joshi (pictured at left) was stupid enough to leave in a U.S. bank; even though he had the seemingly good sense to flee the country! For this colossal display of utter stupidity Mr. Joshi has successfully earned himself an honorable mention as a Dumb-F-k Poor Bastard!


Poor Bastards from throughout the Kingdom should keep their fingers crossed that our friend Willis Willis gets his due reward and let's hope the rest of the general population of Poor Bastards is able to learn from Willis Willis's unfortunate experience....

New Feature at the Gazette - Notable Poor Bastards...

As a public service The Poor Bastard's Gazette has decided to begin a new feature we call Notable Poor Bastards in which we will, from time to time,  make public the trials and tribulations of Notable Poor Bastards - both past and present - in an effort to help keep the masses throughout the Kingdom of the Poor Bastard as fully informed as possible; and to draw as much attention as we can to all manner of Poor Bastard behavior.

Today's entry into the ranks of Notable Poor Bastards actually involves two Notable Poor Bastardettes and an unfortunate incident which occurred over this past holiday weekend when the two Atlanta, GA women reportedly fell out of a10th story hotel room window while partying with friends.

The fall allegedly occurred when the two Poor Bastardettes , who were apparently standing next to the window, turned to give each other a "big hug" (as one witness described it)  then suddenly lost their balance and fell through the window.

One woman fell to the ground and died and the other, who reportedly landed on a "little balcony-like extension" a number of floors above the ground, is in critical condition at a local hospital. One witness, a boyfriend of the Poor Bastardette who died, stated that he believes the hotel windows were "not up to par".....whatever that means.

Police however, say that they are not investigating any aspect of the windows, as a contributing factor to the unfortunate incident.

Ding-Bat Poor Bastard Sarah Palin...

Now I know all you Poor Bastards out there in the Kingdom have been wondering why the Grand Poo Ba was MIA over the Memorial Day Weekend and I assure you it's not what you think. Yours' truly has been hard at work researching any number of Poor Bastard events, rumors and innuendo which have come to the attention of the High Council in the past few days, while at the same time working on a very important project that will be posted on The Poor Bastard's Gazette blog in the next couple of days.

But like they say, you can't keep a good man down, at least not for long, and you sure as hell can't keep a Genuine Original Poor Bastard down for very long at all! So when the Grand Poo Ba sat down at his command post here at the Poor Bastard World Headquarters and started browsing the news headlines, what do you think it was that crossed his radar screen right off the bat?

If you guessed it was the story about dual-qualifier Ding-Bat Poor Bastard Sarah Palin, you are right! What better way to start off the week than to find a stupid story about the nation's latest darling Poor Bastard and wanna-be presidential hopeful plastered across the front page of every media outlet on the web and every morning TV show in the Kingdom....

For those Poor Bastards who are still trying to find the switch on the Mr. Coffee machine, the latest Palin-buzz is that she failed to show up at a scheduled rally at the Gettysburg, PA Civil War Memorial Park on.......you guessed it MEMORIAL DAY!.......

Now ask yourself, "what could possibly be more of a Poor Bastard move than that?"...especially if you are planning to run for president.

And if that wasn't enough of a non-event, the lapdog media is all worked up into a titillating frenzy over the whole thing....covering the story as if the President of the United States had gone missing. As the Grand Poo Ba is writing this missive, CNN is reporting that they are tracking her caravan (as if anyone actually cares) using "everything but a Low-Jack..." Which would suggest to the Grand Poo Ba that those Poor Bastards at CNN must not have much to do.

The only story here is that several hundred Sarah Palin faithful were left standing at the rally site, holding the bag, wondering where their dearly beloved Ding-Bat Poor Bastard was...and whether she was going to show up.....or could they head on back to the double-wide and slip a few turkey pot pies in the oven?

Pictured here is a Sarah Palin supporter - aka Dumb-F-k Poor Bastard - who has been left standing in the shadows, too embarrassed to show his face...




Note the requisite rally sign announcing his undying and faithful support for "Palin", that looks like he cut it off the bottom of an old McCain/Palin yard sign....in the background numerous other equally mindless Poor Bastards can be seen milling around aimlessly, scratching themselves and mumbling....."honey, when is Sarah gonna git here...?"

Not to spend too much time discussing an un-newsworthy event involving the Ding-Bat Poor Bastard Sarah Palin, who receives far too much media coverage in the first place, but the Grand Poo Ba did want to point out the general irony and True Poor Bastard nature of someone, who is trying their best to pose as a legitimate presidential candidate, to not show up for  Memorial Day rally at one of the most recognized war memorials in the country....

That's what most Poor Bastards would call a Presidential Poor Bastard move!