All Poor Bastards have been through the routine....just when you think you've heard or seen it all; and that nothing could ever surprise you after your last truly unbelievable Poor Bastard Experience, along comes another tale of incomprehensible dimensions which, after hearing the details, the Poor Bastard stops to scratch his privates and mumbles to no one in particular, "I've really heard it all now...that's one Poor Bastard story!"
Well the Grand Poo Ba, for all his many years of service to the Kingdom, woke up this morning and had just such a moment of clarity when he logged on for his usual morning activity of perusing the internet looking for yet another unfortunate Poor Bastard whose life has suddenly spun out of control. Instead the first thing to cross the radar screen is a story about a recently launched website called Cloud Girlfriend, created by one David Fuhriman.
Now for all of you Garden-Variety Poor Bastards who don't spend all of your time scouring the internet for improbable and ridiculous accounts of the latest ways to waste your time, or those of you who are serious enough Poor Bastards that you don't even use a computer, I can tell you that this one is going to blow your socks off.....
Cloud Girlfriend is a website where users sign up to engage in "fantasy dating" by creating a make-believe profile and then wasting their time exchanging communications with other "make-believe" profiles who are similarly interested in "make-believe dating!"
Yep, you heard it right!....And what's even more unbelievable, according to a story posted on the salon.com website, interest - or what post-digital age Poor Bastards refer to as "buzz" - in the Cloud Girlfriend website was so great that 85,000 users had signed up for the service before the site was officially launched!
Talk about a pool of Quintessential Poor Bastards! 85,000 of them all lined up right there in one place, just waiting to waste their time on such an utterly ridiculous concept as "fantasy dating!"
I'll tell you what......it just doesn't get any better than this!
The entire premise of "fantasy dating" is such a genuinely Poor Bastard concept that the High Council of the Fraternal Order of the Poor Bastard has decided to issue an Executive Poor Bastard Directive declaring that anyone and everyone who signs up to become a member of Cloud Girlfriend will automatically qualify for the esteemed title Quintessential Poor Bastard, without having to pass so much as a Poor Bastard Sniff Test.
Now this is serious stuff folks. Considering that there are Poor Bastards throughout the Kingdom who will spend their entire lives wallowing in the general misery of a Lowly Poor Bastard life, without every coming close to the iconic status of a Quintessential Poor Bastard, the chance to accomplish a lifetime goal such as this will very likely drive even more Poor Bastards to join up and give this "fantasy dating" thing a try.....
Founder David Fuhriman says of the site, "We allow people to define their ideal self, find their perfect girlfriend or boyfriend and connect and interact as if that person existed. It can help in learning how to manage a real relationship, and they then take it into the real world."
What?...
Talk about a True Poor Bastard!......."I've really heard it all now!"
Friday, May 27, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Seriously Folks...You Can't Make This Stuff Up!
Once again the Grand Poo Ba was planning to skip a day of posting here on The Poor Bastard's Gazette blog, but then he ran across a real zinger of a rumor which concerns that Pathetic Poor Bastard Jose Canseco.
Canseco, for those don't remember or don't care, is one of those steroid monsters from the world of Major League Baseball, who as we seem to recall had his 15 minutes of fame with the Oakland Athletics baseball team some years back. Whatever glory he may have achieved was subsequently over-shadowed by his admitted use of performance-enhancing steroids, which was all laid out in a number of painfully boring and trivial books which Poor Bastard Canseco touted as his "expose" of steroid use in Major League Baseball.
Poor Bastard Canseco, who becomes more of an embarrassment to his mother every time he opens his mouth or steps out out his front door, was reported by the website Bleacher Report to be sitting in a Yuma, AZ casino "tweeting" that he "...loves lady gaga wish I could meet her. would marry her in a second."...
Loonie-Tune Poor Bastard Jose Canseco is seen here wearing a brain-bucket style skull cap, which is reported to keep what little cerebral matter he has left intact.
In the end he has degenerated into a pathetic figure with little more to do than sit around in some smoke-filled casino "tweeting" about his professed love for Lady Gaga....Seriously folks, you can NOT make this stuff up!
Which of course, means that Lady Gaga has no doubt already headed for the hills to avoid even the remote chance that she might somehow cross paths with this seriously loose-in-the-head, punch-drunk social misfit.
The tweeting Poor Bastard goes on to say that he is Lady Gaga's "...night [sic] in baseball armor".....
WHAT...?
And then ends his ludicrous tweeter-chatter by asking "Lady gaga where r u did u get my marriage proposal I am at cocoa casino in yuma Arizona..."
"Houston, we may have a problem!"
Canseco, is not only a Pathetic Poor Bastard, but also a Dumb-F-k Poor Bastard; having earned that title for a 2008 appearance in the boxing ring with former NFL player turned boxer Vai Sikahema - who took exactly 97 seconds to make potted meat out of whatever was left of Canseco's brain at that time - and then subsequently deciding that if he couldn't box, maybe he should give mixed martial arts (MMA) a try...
Poor Bastard punching bag Jose Canseco is seen in this picture being scraped off the canvass after 310 lb Korean MMA fighter Hong Man Choi used the former baseball star's head to tune up his striking skills...
The High Council of the Fraternal Order is seriously considering whether or not this long-running display of utterly absurd behavior might warrant the creation of a brand new Poor Bastard classification. If any fellow Poor Bastards from around the Kingdom have any ideas for an appropriate name for the new classification, the High Council would love to hear your suggestions.
Canseco, for those don't remember or don't care, is one of those steroid monsters from the world of Major League Baseball, who as we seem to recall had his 15 minutes of fame with the Oakland Athletics baseball team some years back. Whatever glory he may have achieved was subsequently over-shadowed by his admitted use of performance-enhancing steroids, which was all laid out in a number of painfully boring and trivial books which Poor Bastard Canseco touted as his "expose" of steroid use in Major League Baseball.
Poor Bastard Canseco, who becomes more of an embarrassment to his mother every time he opens his mouth or steps out out his front door, was reported by the website Bleacher Report to be sitting in a Yuma, AZ casino "tweeting" that he "...loves lady gaga wish I could meet her. would marry her in a second."...
In the end he has degenerated into a pathetic figure with little more to do than sit around in some smoke-filled casino "tweeting" about his professed love for Lady Gaga....Seriously folks, you can NOT make this stuff up!
Which of course, means that Lady Gaga has no doubt already headed for the hills to avoid even the remote chance that she might somehow cross paths with this seriously loose-in-the-head, punch-drunk social misfit.
The tweeting Poor Bastard goes on to say that he is Lady Gaga's "...night [sic] in baseball armor".....
WHAT...?
And then ends his ludicrous tweeter-chatter by asking "Lady gaga where r u did u get my marriage proposal I am at cocoa casino in yuma Arizona..."
"Houston, we may have a problem!"
Canseco, is not only a Pathetic Poor Bastard, but also a Dumb-F-k Poor Bastard; having earned that title for a 2008 appearance in the boxing ring with former NFL player turned boxer Vai Sikahema - who took exactly 97 seconds to make potted meat out of whatever was left of Canseco's brain at that time - and then subsequently deciding that if he couldn't box, maybe he should give mixed martial arts (MMA) a try...
The High Council of the Fraternal Order is seriously considering whether or not this long-running display of utterly absurd behavior might warrant the creation of a brand new Poor Bastard classification. If any fellow Poor Bastards from around the Kingdom have any ideas for an appropriate name for the new classification, the High Council would love to hear your suggestions.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Another Sacrificial Poor Bastard is Offered Up For Slaughter...
It was announced today that federal prosecutors will very likely indict the former Senator on charges that he allegedly broke federal campaign finance laws by using campaign funds to cover up a steamy affair with campaign staffer Rielle Hunter which, a 'la Arnold Schwarzenegger, resulted in the birth of a love child.
Now all self-respecting Philandering Poor Bastard's know what a pesky mess things can become when a love child comes along. After all, it's one thing to chase a little Staff Tail around the office every chance you get, but a love child really throws a monkey wrench in the works. Not only do you have to feed and cloth them - which takes even more of those hard-won campaign donations - but the more you feed them the bigger they get, making it all that much harder to conceal their existence from your adoring public.
Now I know that every time this love child subject comes up all you Garden-Variety Poor Bastards are sitting around out there asking, "haven't these morons ever heard of condoms?"...
But you see, it's not as simple as it may seem when you are a rootin'-tootin' Political Poor Bastard and you suddenly find yourself staring down a piece of Staff Tail that you are just drooling to sink your teeth into (so to speak). After all you can't just send your trusty side-kick down to the Rite-Aid on the corner for a six-pack of Trojan Pleasure Plus Magnum's...and you damned sure can't be seen standing there at the counter buying them yourself!
So, what do you do?.....well it appears that Poor Bastard John Edwards just unholstered his Senatorial Privilege and fired indiscriminately at the first moving target he saw!
The Senatorial Poor Bastard was in enough of a pickle even before things degenerated to the point where a criminal indictment seems inevitable. Not only was he the favorite son of a good old classic conservative state like North Carolina, who had been caught sharing his own Senatorial Pickle with at least one staffer; but to add further misery to his Poor Bastard situation, Edward's faithful wife and mother of his children was suffering from terminal breast cancer during this sordid episode; a fact which did not bode well for the Randy Dandy from Chapel Hill.
Sadly, Mrs. Edwards succumbed to her battle with cancer in December of 2010; her estranged Poor Bastard husband having finally taken responsibility for being the sperm donor for Ms. Hunter's child only months before her passing.
Ms. Hunter, disclosed in a 2010 magazine interview that she had added her two cents worth during six-plus hours of testimony before a federal grand jury which has been looking into Edward's alleged misuse of federal campaign funds. During the interview she stated that she felt comfortable talking publicly about their relationship, and the 2-year old love child, because "Johnny went public and made a statement admitting paternity".
Neighbors report that Johnny has, for the most part, vanished from public view (I'll bet he has), and is no longer seen frequenting neighborhood eateries and watering holes.
Of course he didn't fail to put in an appearance at the dearly departed Mrs. Edwards' funeral last December....but then again he is a Political Poor Bastard!
Sunday, May 22, 2011
A Brief History of Slime...
In honor of last week's revelations that former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger had engaged in an affair and fathered a love child with a former domestic staff member, the Poor Bastard's Gazette decided to compile a retrospective of the indiscriminate sexual misbehavior of modern-era political "leaders"...
We do not pretend that this is a complete list, as such an undertaking could easily take months to complete. It is however, a fairly exhaustive compilation of numerous of the more notable and pathetic political implosions of our time. All of the Poor Bastards included in this compilation are there because they have demonstrated two unwavering characteristics inherent in all Political Poor Bastards-
The uncanny ability to make the absolute worst out of a seemingly good situation; and in most instances to do so in full view of a faithful, adoring public; and...
The shameless display of unabashed hypocrisy reaching heights that would make even the most hardened political veteran proud!
Included on this list are many of the most powerful and influential politicians and public figures of the late 20th Century. Many of whom enjoyed a prodigious amount of opportunity, wealth and education which most Rank & File Poor Bastards can only dream of; proving beyond any doubt that the Poor Bastard gene is is a genetic defect which you cannot escape. It cannot be bred out of you and no amount of wealth, fame, education or finishing school can ever rid your poor pathetic soul of this congenital condition!
Among the most notable of these Poor Bastards are the Ivy League variety who have enjoyed the highest level of education and opportunity our country has to offer. All such Over-Educated Poor Bastards are identified with their affiliated school/s at the end of each narrative.
Of course most of these miscreants are of the indigenous American Poor Bastard genus, because Americans seem to be the least tolerant of the sexual transgressions of their idols...while at the same time they are most fascinated by anything having to do with sex. The occasional European philanderer does make the list; along with numerous upstanding, law-abiding, self-proclaimed champions of God and Country...
"I did not have sexual relations with that woman!"....I just let her give me a blow job under the desk!
Bill Clinton - Ex-President of the United States and Quintessential Champion of All Things Poor Bastard, William Jefferson Clinton, heads the list of Ivy League educated, Indiscreet Poor Bastards who could not manage to keep their pants zipped and their ego under wraps. After achieving the nation's highest political office this Presidential Poor Bastard was hit with a lawsuit in 1994, when former Arkansas state employee Paula Jones filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against the sitting President, for an incident that allegedly occurred prior to his taking office.
Would-be seductress Paula Jones, seen here in the years after she was allegedly recruited to be a "girlfriend" of then Governor of Arkansas and future President of the U.S. William Jefferson Clinton; who would himself go on to be awarded the exceedingly rare title Presidential Poor Bastard - after a well publicized sweat-hogging incident in the Oval Office led to his impeachment during the second term of his Presidential Administration-
Jones alleged that while Clinton was the Governor of Arkansas, she was "escorted" to his room at the Peabody Hotel in Little Rock, AR by a state trooper who claimed that Clinton wanted to meet her in his hotel room. Jones claimed in the lawsuit that she was being introduced to the Governor because he was interested in her as a potential "girlfriend."
Although Jones denied that any sexual contact ever took place between her and the then Governor, the allegations were not the first to haunt the Presidential Poor Bastard during his political career. During the 1992 Presidential Campaign a woman by the name of Jennifer Flowers came forward alleging that she had engaged in am illicit affair with Clinton over a period of years during his tenure as Governor of Arkansas. Subsequent to Jones' lawsuit numerous women came forward stating that they were willing to testify about similar behavior by Clinton during the time period when Jones alleged encounter took place.
Jones, who went on to pose for Penthouse Magazine, would not be the end of the Presidential Poor Bastard's self-induced problems however. After surviving travel-gate, trooper-gate, "tail"-gate, and a host of accusations and innuendo during his freshman term, Clinton somehow managed to get himself elected for a second term. Of course those were in the years before Republican Party campaign operatives had figured out how to rig the election at the ballot box, but let us not digress...
No sooner does our exalted leader manage to get elected for a second term than he found himself mixed up in yet another sordid sex scandal, only this time it was alleged to involve a chunky young White House Intern by the name of Monica Lewinsky, who was working for Clinton's Chief of Staff Leon Panetta.
Lewinsky went on to make claims of improper sexual activity between her and the President, admitting to performing oral sex on the Presidential Poor Bastard while he was sitting as his post behind his Oval Office desk puffing on a big cigar! Gruesome allegations that Billie-boy may have utilized a cigar tube as some sort of sexual aid surfaced in the aftermath, leading people to wonder just who was running the country?
The Pudgy Temptress (pictured below), in an effort to lend credence to her allegations, even produced a soiled blue dress that she turned over to special-prosecutor Ken Starr after claiming it had been her chosen attire during one particularly eventful session of fellatio which resulted in the deposit of Presidential Spermatozoa on the front of the dress; an item of such notable significance that Ms. Lewinsky subsequently decided not to wash the garment for some number of years afterward. No doubt anticipating that she would one day need to produce this "smoking gun" as evidence of her time spent with the Presidential Peter...
This tawdry incident was followed up with the infamous blue dress, replete with the crusty spermatozoa intact, being paraded before an insatiable pubic who seemed more than a bit amused that a sitting President would not only be able to manage an erection while holding public office; but would choose to engage in some good old-fashioned sweat-hogging right there in the Oval Office!
Somehow, after it was all said and done, Clinton managed to survive the public hue and cry, including a serious attempt to remove him from office due to his lack of "morals"....as if "morals" ever had anything to do with American politics.
Fading from glory into a life of somewhat quiet retirement, the Presidential Poor Bastard maintains to this day that he "...did not have sexual relations with that woman"...referring to the Oval Office incident/s with young succubus Monica Lewinsky. (Georgetown University / Yale Law School / Rhodes Scholar - University College, Oxford )
New York Rep. Christopher Lee (R) - Degenerate Poor Bastard Christopher Lee was caught trolling for strange on the popular website Craigslist.org. Claiming to be a "divorced lobbyist", Lee was, in reality, a married Republican member of the U.S. Congressional Delegation from the State of New York. Lee's escapades earned him the title "Craigslist Congressman" from his adoring public, while prompting his immediate resignation after a brief two year career in public office.
New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer (D) - Poor Bastard Eliot Spitzer was caught hiring high priced call girls in 2008, while professing to be a "happily married" crime-busting prosecutor and righteous public servant who did not suffer fools or criminals lightly. Forced to endure the familiar Poor Bastard Public Confession with his humiliated wife at his side, Spitzer resigned from public office so he could go on to pursue a career making the big bucks after joining the American Media Spectacle as a political pundit and general naysayer on the cable-wonderland news channel CNN.
Spitzer was awarded the rarefied title Quintessential Poor Bastard by the High Council of the Fraternal Order of the Poor Bastard after it was revealed that he was raised a child of privilege, as the son of wealthy NY real estate tycoon Bernard Spitzer. (Princeton University / Harvard Law School)
Colorado Sen. Gary Hart (D) - This Dumb-F-k Poor Bastard challenged reporters to follow him around to see if he was engaging in inappropriate conduct during the 1988 Presidential primaries, at which time he was considered the leading candidate for the Democratic Party's Presidential nomination.
Reporters for the Miami Herald did exactly that and ended up catching this would-be Presidential Poor Bastard lounging in the arms of model Donna Rice while on a weekend getaway in Bimini.
Ironically enough, the yacht that Hart and Rice were frolicking around on was named Monkey Business; a fact that did not go unnoticed by the American Media Spectacle.
Poor Bastardette Donna Rice, Gary Hart's sassy seductress, is seen here displaying some of her "political assets" which seem to have caught the eye of one Senator at the very least...
Hart subsequently withdrew from the 1988 campaign effectively ending his political career; although he has been amply rewarded for his years of faithful service to the Senate Good Ol' Boy's Club with, among other things, an endowed professorship at the University of Colorado at Denver.
Hart is also reported to be working as a national security consultant in spite of his demonstrated lack of discretion and security skills in the conduct of his personal life. (Yale University / St. Anthony's College, Oxford University)
New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey - Admitted to being gay while in office, even though he was supposed to be happily married to a member of the opposite sex.
The New Jersey Governor is seen here attempting to save face with the familiar Poor Bastard Public Confession while his distraught wife stands dutifully by his side.
The Gubernatorial Poor Bastard resigned after he appointed his unqualified gay lover to be the director of the state's homeland security agency. (Harvard University)
Idaho Sen. Larry Craig (R) - Craig was caught soliciting an undercover police officer for gay sex while taking a crap between flights at the Minneapolis airport. Claiming that his abnormally "wide stance" while sitting on the toilet had been somehow misinterpreted as a signal that he was looking for a sexual encounter, the unusual defense secured instant Poor Bastard status for Craig, while earning him the dubious nick-name "Wide- Stance Larry Craig."
Poor Bastard Senator Larry (Wide-Stance) Craig is seen here at the scene of the crime...
Prior to his well publicized gay sex debacle Craig, an arch-conservative Republican Senator from Idaho, had been a vocal critic of Presidential Poor Bastard Billie-boy Clinton and his sexual proclivity for indiscriminate sweat-hogging in the Oval Office.
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi - The poster boy for European-style philandering politicians - seen here with two of his "closest political advisers."
The Italian PM and Poor Bastard has been accused of appointing numerous attractive young women to powerful administration positions and then setting about to try and bone them all.
When his wife filed for divorce she accused the, then 72 year old Berlusconi, of having "improper relations" with an 18 year old aspiring Italian model named Noemi Letizia. In addition to being the poster-boy for European Poor Bastard political figures, he has been the subject of ridicule and disdain by political colleagues for years, having earned a just reputation as a dirty old man and Lecherous Poor Bastard.
North Carolina Sen. John Edwards (D) - This Poor Bastard bowed out of the 2008 presidential campaign after it was disclosed that he had been having an ongoing affair and had fathered a love-child with a former campaign worker; all while his wife Elizabeth was battling breast cancer. After 2 years of denying that he was the father of the child, he finally owned up to the fact that he was indeed the sperm-donor, only months before his estranged wife died.
Poor Bastard Edwards is seen here striking the familiar "repentant prayer pose" while checking out of the corner of his eye to see if God is listening...
Florida Rep. Mark Foley (R) - Poor Bastard Mark Foley resigned from the U.S. Congress after he was accused of sending sexually explicit text messages to a 16 year old Congressional Page.
Prior to his resignation this Poor Bastard Buckaroo had been a fierce opponent of child pornography even though he had apparently been molesting his fair share of Congressional tail for at least a decade.
New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani (R) - after rumors surfaced that he had an affair with his communications director Cristyne Lategano, in 1999 he began an affair with Judith Nathan, leading to a nasty divorce in 2002 that cost him a reported $6.8M.
Among the revelations that surfaced during the media frenzy surrounding this mess was the fact that Giuliani was impotent as a result of cancer treatments....Raising the question Poor Bastard's everywhere are asking, "what's the point, Rudy?"
Massachusetts Rep. Barney Frank (D) - Rep. Frank, a textbook version of the Quintessential Poor Bastard admitted to paying a male gigolo for sex while serving in the U.S. Congress as a representative from his native state of Massachusetts.
Subsequent to these salacious allegations it was revealed that Poor Bastard Frank had then hired the young man to work as an "errand boy", in an attempt to "better the young man's life."
Frank's embarrassing episode continued when it was discovered 18 months later the young man's life had been "bettered" to the point where he was caught bringing other sex clients to Frank's apartment for paid sexual liaisons....Now that's what I call being on the government payroll...(Harvard College / Harvard Law School)
North Carolina Sen. Strom Thurmond (R) - Legendary icon of the Poor Bastard subgenus Ignoramus-Buffoonerous Poor Bastardus.
After this embarrassment to the State of North Carolina - and Disagreeable Poor Bastard - died in 2003 at 100 years of age, it was revealed that the staunch conservative, unabashed southern segregationist and generally disagreeable human being had fathered a child with a 16 year old black maid when he was 22 years old....
Proving once and for all that while it may not be socially acceptable to eat at the same lunch counter where the black folk eat, there ain't a damned thing wrong with slipping them a little tobacco-stained North Carolina Trouser Trout every now and again!
San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom - Newsom is a Rank and File Poor Bastard who admitted to having an affair with the wife of his re-election campaign manager while involved in a divorce himself. Newsom subsequently underwent treatment for alcoholism; no doubt with the expectation that it might provide a plausible explanation for his degenerate behavior.
Poor Bastard Gavin Newsom is seen here enjoying a bird's eye view of the "mayoral assets" of a fellow party-goer - while an alcohol induced trance overcomes the City of San Francisco's philandering embarrassment...
Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas - Shown here during his confirmation hearings for his appointment to the U.S. Supreme Court after law professor Anita Hill accused him of sexual harassment when she worked under Thomas at the Dept of Education. Thomas' nomination was confirmed by the Good Ol' Boy's Club, better known as the U.S. Senate, in spite of the accusations, which apparently contained more than a grain of truth.
Demonstrating that the U.S. Senate is itself, an assembly of Past, Present and Future Poor Bastard's, none of whom are willing to call the kettle black for fear that their own indiscretions will one day become cannon fodder for the American Media Spectacle.
Since taking his hard-won seat on the nation's high court, Judicial Poor Bastard Clarence Thomas has proven to be one of the least least productive and most worthless hacks ever to ascend to this lofty post. (Yale Law School)
California Rep. Gary Condit - In 2001 this Poor Bastard admitted to having an affair with congressional intern Chandra Levy - whose internship was sponsored by Condit's office - after Levy went missing in Washington DC.
Early in the investigation of her disappearance suspicion focused on this Disgraceful Poor Bastard - leading to his acknowledgment of the affair.
Condit and Levy are seen here sometime before her decomposed body was found in a Washington DC park with Condit's Congressional Spermatozoa allegedly present on the dead intern's underwear. Condit was later cleared of any involvement in the ill-fated young woman's death.
After almost a year of intense media scrutiny the Lucky Poor Bastard was saved by the events of September 11, 2001; after which this disgraceful degenerate was able to slip back into the shadows after the American Media Spectacle shifted its focus to coverage of the 9/11 attack on U.S. soil by Islamic terrorists.
Dubbed "evil-doers" by Presidential Poor Bastard hopeful Boy-George Bush, Islamic terrorists apparently sell more newspapers and TV advertising time than missing interns who have been doing the "Congressional Boogie" with their patriotic sponsors.
Condit subsequently resigned from office, ending his political career. At last report he was the proprietor of marginally successful ice cream scoop shop in suburban Phoenix...
Oregon Sen. Bob Packwood (R) - After casting one of only 2 Republican votes against the confirmation of Supreme Court nominee Clarence Thomas Feel-Good Poor Bastard Bob Packwood became embroiled in his own sex scandal when more than a dozen women came forward to accuse him of sexual abuse over a period spanning almost three decades.
Long alleged to be a boozing groper and an overly eager, tongue-wielding "Frenchie-man" kisser by many who knew him in his home state of Oregon, Packwood (seen here throwing down his best game) was unanimously recommended for expulsion from the U.S. Senate by the Senate Ethics Committee better known as the "Committee of Foxes" for their tendency to zealously guard the hen house....
Many felt at the time that this episode may have been at least partially motivated by Packwood's refusal to side with the Senate oligarchy, after his NAY vote on the Clarence Thomas confirmation branded him a loose-cannon, who could not be trusted with the keys to the exclusive Good Ol' Boy Club otherwise known as the U.S. Senate.
Louisiana Rep. Bob Livingston (R) - Another victim of the Monica Lewinsky - "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" - scandal, this Poor Bastard who ended up resigning from office after Hustler Magazine publisher, and self-admitted Poor Bastard Larry Flynt, came forward claiming to have evidence that Poor Bastard Livingston had engaged in more than one extramarital affair.
Livingston, who had been an outspoken critic of Billie-boy Clinton's sexual improprieties, eventually fessed up to his own weakness of the flesh and resigned from office to avoid the wrath of the American Media Spectacle, which no doubt would have been a field day for publisher Flynt.
Louisianan Senator David Vitter (R) - Poor Bastard Bob Livingston was replaced by Poor Bastard David Vitter in a move known as the Poor Bastard Shuffle.
Vitter in turn was subsequently elected to the U.S. Senate from the State of Louisiana and was one of the first names to be made public after the DC Madame scandal broke in 2007. (A spokes-woman for the Madame is seen here reading the roll call of prominent DC area clients) .
Apparently Vitter's named appeared repeatedly in the Madame's phone records, a fact that did not seem to deter Louisiana voters, who re-elected him to the Senate in 2010.
Of course everyone knows that the State of Louisiana is among the handful of indigenous habitats of the sub-genus Americus Poor Bastardus, and therefore would not be expected to hold something as minor as indiscriminate whoring against a fellow Poor Bastard. (Harvard University / Oxford University)
Jack Ryan (R) - Illinois - Back in 2004, when Barack Obama ran for the Democratic Senate seat in Illinois, his Republican challenger was a soon to be anointed Poor Bastard by the name of Jack Ryan.
At the time Ryan was a recently departed Goldman Sachs alumni, who was reported to be worth hundreds of millions of dollars, after a successful career swimming with in the shark tank known as Wall Street.
During the 2004 Senate campaign Ryan's ex-wife, actress Jeri Ryan, revealed that during their marriage the bazillion-aire had taken her to sex clubs and tried to coerce her into having sex in public. Ryan subsequently withdrew from the Senate race and his replacement Alan Keyes was trounced by a more than 3 to 1 margin, by future U.S. President Barack Obama. (MBA Harvard Business School / Harvard Law School)
South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford (R) - Another Garden-Variety Poor Bastard who disappeared for seven days in 2008 - only to surface claiming that he had been hiking the Appalachian Trail.
In fact, the two term Republican Governor had been shacking up with Argentine journalist Maria Belen Chapur in Buenos Aires, 5,000 miles away from the hills of Appalachia...prompting Poor Bastard's everywhere to ask, "wouldn't it have been easier to just fly her into South Carolina and slip her a little gubernatorial love down at the local no-tell motel?"
The Pathetic Poor Bastard subsequently appeared in an Associated Press interview blubbering about his Argentine "soul mate" and admitting that he had "crossed the line" with other women during his 20 year marriage to the mother of his four kids...but only the "sex line".....I'll bet his wife was relieved to hear that!
Nevada Sen. John Ensign (R) - In 2008 this Arrogant Poor Bastard acknowledged that he had been having an affair with a married staffer after claiming to be a staunch supporter of the "sanctity of marriage", an argument that he repeatedly used to defend his support of attempts to ban gay marriage. After it was revealed that Ensign had arranged a job for his mistress's husband (a real Poor Bastard), he then came under investigation by the Senate Ethics Committee, at which point Ensign immediately announced his resignation from the Senate before the "Committee of Foxes" could subject him to public ridicule and shame the Arrogant Poor Bastard into a disgraceful exit from public office.
Not to Be Forgotten...
Worthy of an honorable mention are the following generally despicable Political Poor Bastards-
Illinois Rep. Henry Hyde (D) - This Despicable Poor Bastard and self-proclaimed "champion of family values" admitted to a five-year affair with a married woman by the name of Cherie Snodgrass after also claiming to be the "conscience" of the U.S. Congress.
Georgia Rep. Newt Gingrich (R) - Newt is another Classic Poor Bastard who chooses not to equate a blow job with sexual activity. After numerous reports of adulterous behavior, a campaign worker for this Classic Poor Bastard by the name of Annie Manning, admitted to having performed oral sex on Newt's Tooter back in 1977 - explaining that Gingrich preferred this modus operandi (her words, not mine) because he could then say, "I never slept with her"....and apparently he can make the same claim about any one of his own wives!
California Rep. Bill Thomas (R) - This Poor Bastard is an 11-term member of the California Congressional Delegation and Charmain of the House Ways & Means sub-committee on Health. The Bakersfield California reported that the married congressman was having an affair with health-care industry lobbyist Deborah Steelman...can you see a conflict of interest there?...well apparently this Poor Bastard couldn't because he publicly responded to the news with an "open letter to friends and neighbors" in which he steadfastly maintains that he has never let his public decision-making duties be influenced by anything other than what he thought was, "...best and right on your behalf." Note the very clever Poor Bastard double-speak.
Texas Rep. Dick Armey (R) - This Insufferable Poor Bastard and former House Majority Leader was accused by the Dallas Observer of sexually harassing female students back during his days as a college professor. The young coeds reportedly learned how to fend off an army of dick under Professor Armey's tutelage.
Georgia Rep. Bob Barr (R) - Poor Bastard Bob Barr was a member of the House Judiciary Committee and was among the first to call for Presidential Poor Bastard Bill Clinton's impeachment, even before the Presidential Sweat-Hogging incident had been exposed. This "family values" champion and sponsor of the Defense of Marriage Act was seen licking whipped cream off the busty chests of two women at a Leukemia Society benefit. The Poor Bastard's second marriage ended with a messy divorce trial which resulted in his being accused of lying about a long-term adulterous relationship with one Jerri Dobbin (whose head was a bobbin'). Barr subsequently married the Bobbin' Miss Dobbin only to end up failing to make his child support payments; leading his ex-wife Gail to provide Hustler Magazine publisher Larry Flynt with the details of her abortion which had been agreed to and paid for by the militant right-to-life proponent and Poor Bastard Bob Barr.
Indiana Rep. Dan Burton (R) - After calling Presidential Poor Bastard Bill Clinton a "scumbag", Burton was forced to admit that he had fathered a love-child with one of his many mistresses. This Degenerate Poor Bastard has been accused of sexual improprieties by dozens if not hundreds of women over the years, including the alleged sexual assault of a Planned Parenthood lobbyist.
Florida Rep. Charles Canaday (R) - This outspoken abortion opponent and generally Disagreeable Poor Bastard was forced to admit that he had lied to his constituency about an adulterous affair with Sharon Becker; an admission which led to Becker's divorce from Florida business man Robert Becker. (Yale Law School)
Idaho Rep. Helen Chenoweth (R) - Poor Bastardette Chenoweth admitted to a six-year adulterous liaison with a married "associate" during her 1998 congressional campaign. Ms. Chenoweth now claims that she has received a "pardon from a higher authority" after asking God to forgive her for her mortal transgressions; for her breach of the covenant not to covet thy neighbor's "associate"; and not to bear false witness when asked about thy coveting of thy neighbor's associate.
California Rep. Ken Calvert (R) - Deadbeat Poor Bastard Ken Calvert, another champion of the Christian Coalition's "family values", was caught by police in 1993 receiving a blow job from a prostitute and attempting to flee the scene. Calvert was also sued by his ex-wife as an "alimony deadbeat."
Illinois Rep. Mel Reynolds (D) - Poor Bastard Sex-Offender Mel Reynolds was indicted in Aug. 1995 on charges that he had sex with a 16 year old female campaign worker and then pressured her to lie about the incident. Reynolds, who was up for re-election at the time the indictment was announced, easily defeated his GOP rival; only to be convicted one year later on 12 counts of sexual assault, obstruction of justice and solicitation of child pornography. The Doomed Poor Bastard was sentenced to five years in prison (the good ol' boy treatment) and subsequently resigned his congressional seat in October of 1995. (Harvard University / Rhodes Scholar-Lincoln College, Oxford University)
We do not pretend that this is a complete list, as such an undertaking could easily take months to complete. It is however, a fairly exhaustive compilation of numerous of the more notable and pathetic political implosions of our time. All of the Poor Bastards included in this compilation are there because they have demonstrated two unwavering characteristics inherent in all Political Poor Bastards-
The uncanny ability to make the absolute worst out of a seemingly good situation; and in most instances to do so in full view of a faithful, adoring public; and...
The shameless display of unabashed hypocrisy reaching heights that would make even the most hardened political veteran proud!
Included on this list are many of the most powerful and influential politicians and public figures of the late 20th Century. Many of whom enjoyed a prodigious amount of opportunity, wealth and education which most Rank & File Poor Bastards can only dream of; proving beyond any doubt that the Poor Bastard gene is is a genetic defect which you cannot escape. It cannot be bred out of you and no amount of wealth, fame, education or finishing school can ever rid your poor pathetic soul of this congenital condition!
Among the most notable of these Poor Bastards are the Ivy League variety who have enjoyed the highest level of education and opportunity our country has to offer. All such Over-Educated Poor Bastards are identified with their affiliated school/s at the end of each narrative.
Of course most of these miscreants are of the indigenous American Poor Bastard genus, because Americans seem to be the least tolerant of the sexual transgressions of their idols...while at the same time they are most fascinated by anything having to do with sex. The occasional European philanderer does make the list; along with numerous upstanding, law-abiding, self-proclaimed champions of God and Country...
Bill Clinton - Ex-President of the United States and Quintessential Champion of All Things Poor Bastard, William Jefferson Clinton, heads the list of Ivy League educated, Indiscreet Poor Bastards who could not manage to keep their pants zipped and their ego under wraps. After achieving the nation's highest political office this Presidential Poor Bastard was hit with a lawsuit in 1994, when former Arkansas state employee Paula Jones filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against the sitting President, for an incident that allegedly occurred prior to his taking office.
Jones alleged that while Clinton was the Governor of Arkansas, she was "escorted" to his room at the Peabody Hotel in Little Rock, AR by a state trooper who claimed that Clinton wanted to meet her in his hotel room. Jones claimed in the lawsuit that she was being introduced to the Governor because he was interested in her as a potential "girlfriend."
Although Jones denied that any sexual contact ever took place between her and the then Governor, the allegations were not the first to haunt the Presidential Poor Bastard during his political career. During the 1992 Presidential Campaign a woman by the name of Jennifer Flowers came forward alleging that she had engaged in am illicit affair with Clinton over a period of years during his tenure as Governor of Arkansas. Subsequent to Jones' lawsuit numerous women came forward stating that they were willing to testify about similar behavior by Clinton during the time period when Jones alleged encounter took place.
Jones, who went on to pose for Penthouse Magazine, would not be the end of the Presidential Poor Bastard's self-induced problems however. After surviving travel-gate, trooper-gate, "tail"-gate, and a host of accusations and innuendo during his freshman term, Clinton somehow managed to get himself elected for a second term. Of course those were in the years before Republican Party campaign operatives had figured out how to rig the election at the ballot box, but let us not digress...
No sooner does our exalted leader manage to get elected for a second term than he found himself mixed up in yet another sordid sex scandal, only this time it was alleged to involve a chunky young White House Intern by the name of Monica Lewinsky, who was working for Clinton's Chief of Staff Leon Panetta.
Lewinsky went on to make claims of improper sexual activity between her and the President, admitting to performing oral sex on the Presidential Poor Bastard while he was sitting as his post behind his Oval Office desk puffing on a big cigar! Gruesome allegations that Billie-boy may have utilized a cigar tube as some sort of sexual aid surfaced in the aftermath, leading people to wonder just who was running the country?
The Pudgy Temptress (pictured below), in an effort to lend credence to her allegations, even produced a soiled blue dress that she turned over to special-prosecutor Ken Starr after claiming it had been her chosen attire during one particularly eventful session of fellatio which resulted in the deposit of Presidential Spermatozoa on the front of the dress; an item of such notable significance that Ms. Lewinsky subsequently decided not to wash the garment for some number of years afterward. No doubt anticipating that she would one day need to produce this "smoking gun" as evidence of her time spent with the Presidential Peter...
This tawdry incident was followed up with the infamous blue dress, replete with the crusty spermatozoa intact, being paraded before an insatiable pubic who seemed more than a bit amused that a sitting President would not only be able to manage an erection while holding public office; but would choose to engage in some good old-fashioned sweat-hogging right there in the Oval Office!Somehow, after it was all said and done, Clinton managed to survive the public hue and cry, including a serious attempt to remove him from office due to his lack of "morals"....as if "morals" ever had anything to do with American politics.
Fading from glory into a life of somewhat quiet retirement, the Presidential Poor Bastard maintains to this day that he "...did not have sexual relations with that woman"...referring to the Oval Office incident/s with young succubus Monica Lewinsky. (Georgetown University / Yale Law School / Rhodes Scholar - University College, Oxford )
Spitzer was awarded the rarefied title Quintessential Poor Bastard by the High Council of the Fraternal Order of the Poor Bastard after it was revealed that he was raised a child of privilege, as the son of wealthy NY real estate tycoon Bernard Spitzer. (Princeton University / Harvard Law School)
Reporters for the Miami Herald did exactly that and ended up catching this would-be Presidential Poor Bastard lounging in the arms of model Donna Rice while on a weekend getaway in Bimini.
Ironically enough, the yacht that Hart and Rice were frolicking around on was named Monkey Business; a fact that did not go unnoticed by the American Media Spectacle.
Hart subsequently withdrew from the 1988 campaign effectively ending his political career; although he has been amply rewarded for his years of faithful service to the Senate Good Ol' Boy's Club with, among other things, an endowed professorship at the University of Colorado at Denver.
Hart is also reported to be working as a national security consultant in spite of his demonstrated lack of discretion and security skills in the conduct of his personal life. (Yale University / St. Anthony's College, Oxford University)
The New Jersey Governor is seen here attempting to save face with the familiar Poor Bastard Public Confession while his distraught wife stands dutifully by his side.
The Gubernatorial Poor Bastard resigned after he appointed his unqualified gay lover to be the director of the state's homeland security agency. (Harvard University)
Idaho Sen. Larry Craig (R) - Craig was caught soliciting an undercover police officer for gay sex while taking a crap between flights at the Minneapolis airport. Claiming that his abnormally "wide stance" while sitting on the toilet had been somehow misinterpreted as a signal that he was looking for a sexual encounter, the unusual defense secured instant Poor Bastard status for Craig, while earning him the dubious nick-name "Wide- Stance Larry Craig."
Poor Bastard Senator Larry (Wide-Stance) Craig is seen here at the scene of the crime...Prior to his well publicized gay sex debacle Craig, an arch-conservative Republican Senator from Idaho, had been a vocal critic of Presidential Poor Bastard Billie-boy Clinton and his sexual proclivity for indiscriminate sweat-hogging in the Oval Office.
The Italian PM and Poor Bastard has been accused of appointing numerous attractive young women to powerful administration positions and then setting about to try and bone them all.
When his wife filed for divorce she accused the, then 72 year old Berlusconi, of having "improper relations" with an 18 year old aspiring Italian model named Noemi Letizia. In addition to being the poster-boy for European Poor Bastard political figures, he has been the subject of ridicule and disdain by political colleagues for years, having earned a just reputation as a dirty old man and Lecherous Poor Bastard.
Poor Bastard Edwards is seen here striking the familiar "repentant prayer pose" while checking out of the corner of his eye to see if God is listening...
Prior to his resignation this Poor Bastard Buckaroo had been a fierce opponent of child pornography even though he had apparently been molesting his fair share of Congressional tail for at least a decade.
Among the revelations that surfaced during the media frenzy surrounding this mess was the fact that Giuliani was impotent as a result of cancer treatments....Raising the question Poor Bastard's everywhere are asking, "what's the point, Rudy?"
Subsequent to these salacious allegations it was revealed that Poor Bastard Frank had then hired the young man to work as an "errand boy", in an attempt to "better the young man's life."
Frank's embarrassing episode continued when it was discovered 18 months later the young man's life had been "bettered" to the point where he was caught bringing other sex clients to Frank's apartment for paid sexual liaisons....Now that's what I call being on the government payroll...(Harvard College / Harvard Law School)
North Carolina Sen. Strom Thurmond (R) - Legendary icon of the Poor Bastard subgenus Ignoramus-Buffoonerous Poor Bastardus.
After this embarrassment to the State of North Carolina - and Disagreeable Poor Bastard - died in 2003 at 100 years of age, it was revealed that the staunch conservative, unabashed southern segregationist and generally disagreeable human being had fathered a child with a 16 year old black maid when he was 22 years old....Proving once and for all that while it may not be socially acceptable to eat at the same lunch counter where the black folk eat, there ain't a damned thing wrong with slipping them a little tobacco-stained North Carolina Trouser Trout every now and again!
San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom - Newsom is a Rank and File Poor Bastard who admitted to having an affair with the wife of his re-election campaign manager while involved in a divorce himself. Newsom subsequently underwent treatment for alcoholism; no doubt with the expectation that it might provide a plausible explanation for his degenerate behavior.
Demonstrating that the U.S. Senate is itself, an assembly of Past, Present and Future Poor Bastard's, none of whom are willing to call the kettle black for fear that their own indiscretions will one day become cannon fodder for the American Media Spectacle.
Since taking his hard-won seat on the nation's high court, Judicial Poor Bastard Clarence Thomas has proven to be one of the least least productive and most worthless hacks ever to ascend to this lofty post. (Yale Law School)
Early in the investigation of her disappearance suspicion focused on this Disgraceful Poor Bastard - leading to his acknowledgment of the affair.
Condit and Levy are seen here sometime before her decomposed body was found in a Washington DC park with Condit's Congressional Spermatozoa allegedly present on the dead intern's underwear. Condit was later cleared of any involvement in the ill-fated young woman's death.
After almost a year of intense media scrutiny the Lucky Poor Bastard was saved by the events of September 11, 2001; after which this disgraceful degenerate was able to slip back into the shadows after the American Media Spectacle shifted its focus to coverage of the 9/11 attack on U.S. soil by Islamic terrorists.
Dubbed "evil-doers" by Presidential Poor Bastard hopeful Boy-George Bush, Islamic terrorists apparently sell more newspapers and TV advertising time than missing interns who have been doing the "Congressional Boogie" with their patriotic sponsors.
Condit subsequently resigned from office, ending his political career. At last report he was the proprietor of marginally successful ice cream scoop shop in suburban Phoenix...
Long alleged to be a boozing groper and an overly eager, tongue-wielding "Frenchie-man" kisser by many who knew him in his home state of Oregon, Packwood (seen here throwing down his best game) was unanimously recommended for expulsion from the U.S. Senate by the Senate Ethics Committee better known as the "Committee of Foxes" for their tendency to zealously guard the hen house....
Many felt at the time that this episode may have been at least partially motivated by Packwood's refusal to side with the Senate oligarchy, after his NAY vote on the Clarence Thomas confirmation branded him a loose-cannon, who could not be trusted with the keys to the exclusive Good Ol' Boy Club otherwise known as the U.S. Senate.
Louisiana Rep. Bob Livingston (R) - Another victim of the Monica Lewinsky - "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" - scandal, this Poor Bastard who ended up resigning from office after Hustler Magazine publisher, and self-admitted Poor Bastard Larry Flynt, came forward claiming to have evidence that Poor Bastard Livingston had engaged in more than one extramarital affair.
Livingston, who had been an outspoken critic of Billie-boy Clinton's sexual improprieties, eventually fessed up to his own weakness of the flesh and resigned from office to avoid the wrath of the American Media Spectacle, which no doubt would have been a field day for publisher Flynt.
Vitter in turn was subsequently elected to the U.S. Senate from the State of Louisiana and was one of the first names to be made public after the DC Madame scandal broke in 2007. (A spokes-woman for the Madame is seen here reading the roll call of prominent DC area clients) .
Apparently Vitter's named appeared repeatedly in the Madame's phone records, a fact that did not seem to deter Louisiana voters, who re-elected him to the Senate in 2010.
Of course everyone knows that the State of Louisiana is among the handful of indigenous habitats of the sub-genus Americus Poor Bastardus, and therefore would not be expected to hold something as minor as indiscriminate whoring against a fellow Poor Bastard. (Harvard University / Oxford University)
At the time Ryan was a recently departed Goldman Sachs alumni, who was reported to be worth hundreds of millions of dollars, after a successful career swimming with in the shark tank known as Wall Street.
During the 2004 Senate campaign Ryan's ex-wife, actress Jeri Ryan, revealed that during their marriage the bazillion-aire had taken her to sex clubs and tried to coerce her into having sex in public. Ryan subsequently withdrew from the Senate race and his replacement Alan Keyes was trounced by a more than 3 to 1 margin, by future U.S. President Barack Obama. (MBA Harvard Business School / Harvard Law School)
In fact, the two term Republican Governor had been shacking up with Argentine journalist Maria Belen Chapur in Buenos Aires, 5,000 miles away from the hills of Appalachia...prompting Poor Bastard's everywhere to ask, "wouldn't it have been easier to just fly her into South Carolina and slip her a little gubernatorial love down at the local no-tell motel?"
The Pathetic Poor Bastard subsequently appeared in an Associated Press interview blubbering about his Argentine "soul mate" and admitting that he had "crossed the line" with other women during his 20 year marriage to the mother of his four kids...but only the "sex line".....I'll bet his wife was relieved to hear that!
Not to Be Forgotten...
Worthy of an honorable mention are the following generally despicable Political Poor Bastards-
Illinois Rep. Henry Hyde (D) - This Despicable Poor Bastard and self-proclaimed "champion of family values" admitted to a five-year affair with a married woman by the name of Cherie Snodgrass after also claiming to be the "conscience" of the U.S. Congress.
Georgia Rep. Newt Gingrich (R) - Newt is another Classic Poor Bastard who chooses not to equate a blow job with sexual activity. After numerous reports of adulterous behavior, a campaign worker for this Classic Poor Bastard by the name of Annie Manning, admitted to having performed oral sex on Newt's Tooter back in 1977 - explaining that Gingrich preferred this modus operandi (her words, not mine) because he could then say, "I never slept with her"....and apparently he can make the same claim about any one of his own wives!
California Rep. Bill Thomas (R) - This Poor Bastard is an 11-term member of the California Congressional Delegation and Charmain of the House Ways & Means sub-committee on Health. The Bakersfield California reported that the married congressman was having an affair with health-care industry lobbyist Deborah Steelman...can you see a conflict of interest there?...well apparently this Poor Bastard couldn't because he publicly responded to the news with an "open letter to friends and neighbors" in which he steadfastly maintains that he has never let his public decision-making duties be influenced by anything other than what he thought was, "...best and right on your behalf." Note the very clever Poor Bastard double-speak.
Texas Rep. Dick Armey (R) - This Insufferable Poor Bastard and former House Majority Leader was accused by the Dallas Observer of sexually harassing female students back during his days as a college professor. The young coeds reportedly learned how to fend off an army of dick under Professor Armey's tutelage.
Georgia Rep. Bob Barr (R) - Poor Bastard Bob Barr was a member of the House Judiciary Committee and was among the first to call for Presidential Poor Bastard Bill Clinton's impeachment, even before the Presidential Sweat-Hogging incident had been exposed. This "family values" champion and sponsor of the Defense of Marriage Act was seen licking whipped cream off the busty chests of two women at a Leukemia Society benefit. The Poor Bastard's second marriage ended with a messy divorce trial which resulted in his being accused of lying about a long-term adulterous relationship with one Jerri Dobbin (whose head was a bobbin'). Barr subsequently married the Bobbin' Miss Dobbin only to end up failing to make his child support payments; leading his ex-wife Gail to provide Hustler Magazine publisher Larry Flynt with the details of her abortion which had been agreed to and paid for by the militant right-to-life proponent and Poor Bastard Bob Barr.
Indiana Rep. Dan Burton (R) - After calling Presidential Poor Bastard Bill Clinton a "scumbag", Burton was forced to admit that he had fathered a love-child with one of his many mistresses. This Degenerate Poor Bastard has been accused of sexual improprieties by dozens if not hundreds of women over the years, including the alleged sexual assault of a Planned Parenthood lobbyist.
Florida Rep. Charles Canaday (R) - This outspoken abortion opponent and generally Disagreeable Poor Bastard was forced to admit that he had lied to his constituency about an adulterous affair with Sharon Becker; an admission which led to Becker's divorce from Florida business man Robert Becker. (Yale Law School)
Idaho Rep. Helen Chenoweth (R) - Poor Bastardette Chenoweth admitted to a six-year adulterous liaison with a married "associate" during her 1998 congressional campaign. Ms. Chenoweth now claims that she has received a "pardon from a higher authority" after asking God to forgive her for her mortal transgressions; for her breach of the covenant not to covet thy neighbor's "associate"; and not to bear false witness when asked about thy coveting of thy neighbor's associate.
California Rep. Ken Calvert (R) - Deadbeat Poor Bastard Ken Calvert, another champion of the Christian Coalition's "family values", was caught by police in 1993 receiving a blow job from a prostitute and attempting to flee the scene. Calvert was also sued by his ex-wife as an "alimony deadbeat."
Illinois Rep. Mel Reynolds (D) - Poor Bastard Sex-Offender Mel Reynolds was indicted in Aug. 1995 on charges that he had sex with a 16 year old female campaign worker and then pressured her to lie about the incident. Reynolds, who was up for re-election at the time the indictment was announced, easily defeated his GOP rival; only to be convicted one year later on 12 counts of sexual assault, obstruction of justice and solicitation of child pornography. The Doomed Poor Bastard was sentenced to five years in prison (the good ol' boy treatment) and subsequently resigned his congressional seat in October of 1995. (Harvard University / Rhodes Scholar-Lincoln College, Oxford University)
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