A Day at the Races

Well it's the first Saturday in May and that means it's time to run America's Race.....The Kentucky Derby....The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports!

And considering that the American race track has been something of a shrine for Poor Bastard's the world over for the last 100 years, the Original Poor Bastard thought it was only appropriate to pay tribute to this institution of futility and disappointment by posting his own selections and asking readers to post theirs.

Winner of the Best Dressed Poor Bastardette from the past...

This year's renewal of the iconic race is a virtual crap shoot with 3 hours to go before they head into the starting gate so our strategy will be to swing for the fences with what we feel are live long shots and hope to get lucky.

So here are the Original Poor Bastard's six selections which he will box in a $1 exacta for a total bet of $30. The first three are his top choices; the second three are in no particular order of preference:

#17 - Soldat
#15 - Midnight Interlude
#14 - Shackleford
#1 - Archarcharch
#19 - Nehro
#7 - Pants on Fire

We are leaving the favorite Dialed In out altogether, as he isn't any better than many of these and when a Poor Bastard can bet against the post-time favorite and have a reasonable chance of making a decent score, then you have to do what you have to do....

Either we go down in flames or we are bound for glory!

Poor Bastards in the News

Well it's hump day and time to see what's happening with all those hapless Poor Bastard's whose transgressions and moronic behavior have landed them in the news. Unfortunately, this week has been something of an anomaly with the news coming out of Washington late Sunday that Osama bin Laden had been tracked in Pakistan and killed by U.S. Navy SEALS.

When something like this happens it invariably relegates the generic Poor Bastard news stories to the back page where only the intrepid Poor Bastard Hunter is able to find them. But fear not! Here at The Poor Bastard's Gazette we burn the midnight oil in an effort to keep you fully informed about what's going on with your fellow Poor Bastard's around the globe.

Dateline: Los Angeles, CA- 1980's pop singer Rick Springfield can now join the ranks of fellow luminaries including Mel Gibson, Nick Nolte, Diana Ross, Glen Campbell, etc, etc, etc....for being arrested and charged with suspicion of drunk driving. The LA County Sheriff's Office reported only this month that Springfield, 61, was stopped while driving along the Pacific Coast Highway in May 2011 (May 2011 is only four days old). After blowing a .10 on a Breathalyzer test he was arrested and booked into the LA County Jail.

Looking good there Rick!.....Looking Good!

When are these celebrity Poor Bastard's going to learn that if you are planning to go out and get all liquored up and then get arrested, you need to dress appropriately and make sure to shower and shave so you're looking good for that mug shot which will end up plastered all over the internet.






 
Lurii Chumak gets the award for most notable Garden-Variety Poor Bastard story of the week. Mr. Chumak was arrested after arriving at JFK International Airport on a flight from London. It seems that Chumak, after having a few belts of scotch, couldn't manage to keep his hands to himself and so he started to feel up the flight attendant who was leaning over to serve some coffee to a passenger seated across the isle from Chumak......Way to go, Lurii!

Seen here is an excerpt from the incident report filed by police...I like the part about running his fingers back and forth....Smooth mover that Chumak.


Of course Chumak now claims that he had a few drinks of scotch, fell asleep on the plane and woke up in shackles.....Now that's a Poor Bastard for you!

Donald Trump also earns a Poor Bastard's Honorable Mention after showing up at a White House dinner only to be subjected to ridicule by Seth Meyers. Apparently everyone was having such a jolly good time at the expense of Trump and his hair that the President himself couldn't resist getting in on the action and when he took the stage he continued to make verbal jabs at Trump and his hair.

Reports indicate that neither Trump, nor his hair, were the least bit pleased about being the source of the night's comedic entertainment, but then this is exactly the type of behavior you would expect from a True Poor Bastard!

Is that some bad gas he's passing or an acid reflux moment?

Defining the Poor Bastard

Among the most frequently asked questions the Grand Poor Bastard  hears are;

"How do I know if I qualify as a Poor Bastard?"

And, "how can I tell if someone else is a Poor Bastard?"

The answer to the first question is simple. If you are unable to determine for yourself whether or not you are a Poor Bastard, then you almost certainly are one!

The fact that you would question your own qualifications for being a Poor Bastard is enough to suggest that you are a waffling, indecisive type; characteristics which have very likely already led you down the path of self-righteous indignation and general discontent with your station in life; two qualities inherent in all Garden-Variety Poor Bastards!


True Poor Bastards are a slightly different animal and although they are generally found to possess many of the same qualities as most Garden-Variety Poor Bastards it is often the case that the True Poor Bastard is highly adept at hiding their true inner character; making it much harder to assess the legitimacy of their qualifications for being a Poor Bastard.

On balance the Garden-Variety Poor Bastard is much easier to classify once you understand the basic principles of what it takes to qualify as a Poor Bastard. The declining state of modern civilization over the last 25 years has led to an epidemic increase in the population of Poor Bastards world-wide. To such an extent that it is hard NOT to encounter a Poor Bastard  incident or two almost every day of your life.

Turn on the TV news (always fertile ground for Poor Bastard vignettes); spend half an hour surfing a handful of your favorite mindless websites; or just stroll down the hall to the water cooler some morning, while you are sitting around your cubicle staring at the walls, waiting for the lunch bell to ring.

What you will very likely find is that there are no shortage of Poor Bastard  Tales of Woe being recounted by your fellow Poor Bastards and Bastardettes. Listen closely and you are likely to hear certain common threads among most of these stories. It is these commonalities which define the Poor Bastards among us.

One notable and defining characteristic of the Poor Bastard is their inherent tendency to repeat the same behavior and make the same mistakes over an over again; apparently unable or unwilling to learn from their past transgressions or the those of fellow Poor Bastards.

Many a True Poor Bastard has been observed in the public arena doing exactly that; e.g. Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan (pictured below), Michael Jackson, Paris Hilton, Mel Gibson; to name but a few.

It was Albert Einstein (a Poor Bastard himself) who first observed that "repeating the same behavior over and over, and expecting a different result, was the definition of insanity."

Perhaps Al was right...?







A second recurring theme among the Poor Bastard class is the tendency to somehow manage to make the worst out of a situation, most of the time....Can you say, Charlie Sheen?

Along these lines is another common trait found in most Poor Bastards which is to not know when to shut the f-k up.....Can you say Mel Gibson?

To paraphrase Mark Twain (America's Original Historic Poor Bastard)...

"One can sit quietly with their mouth closed and appear stupid; or open it and remove all doubt."

The most astonishing character flaw found among the Poor Bastard class is the utter lack of shame or remorse for their displays of stupidity and ignorance. In extreme cases many Poor Bastards will even display a warped sense of pride in their ludicrous behavior. Confirming what the rest of us already know...

That at the end of the day.....you really are a Poor Bastard!

The Daily Grind & Our Beloved Charlie.....

Well the weekend is over Garden-Variety Poor Bastards throughout The Kingdom of the Poor Bastard are heading back out into the real world to confront the daily grind that is the defining element in the life of all Poor Bastards!

Garden Variety Poor Bastards and True Poor Bastards alike must face the awful reality that the weekend is over and for the next five days they will be at the mercy of some ingrate they call "the boss", or in the case of the True Poor Bastard, it could mean confronting personal and/or professional misery which is entirely of their own doing.

It's hard to imagine what a guy like Charlie Sheen must be doing about now? While millions of Garden Variety Poor Bastards trudge off to toil away at some meaningless job for the next five days ol' Charlie is probably sleeping fitfully as the remnants of a three day coke buzz are racing through his brain (or what's left of it).

With one coke whore/porn star "goddess" having already given him the boot, he is now down to one live-in hose bag.




How's a guy with Adonis DNA and tiger's blood coursing through his veins going to manage with only a single star-struck bimbo hanging around the house to satisfy his titanic craving for T & A?

These are the kinds of issues that a True Poor Bastard like Charlie Sheen has to wrestle with while the rest of us Rank & File Poor Bastards head off to the rock pile to grind out another $500 or $600 paycheck, if we are lucky!

Many have asked why the Grand Poo Ba likes to pick on Charlie Sheen....

The answer is really quite simple and it speaks to the larger issue of what are the defining characteristics of a True Poor Bastard? ...And if anyone in history ever qualified for the honor of being the poster boy for the True Poor Bastard, it would have to be Charlie Sheen!

Let's consider the "facts" as they have been reported to us in the idol-worshiping, pop-culture mass media we call television news.

Prior to his most recent series of public melts down, Charlie was a minimally talented TV and movie actor who just happened to be the star of a hit TV show. Not just any show either, but a show that was paying him a reported salary package of $26,000,000 a year!

That's TWENTY-SIX MILLION DOLLARS for those of you not familiar with dollar amounts that involve seven digits; and that's PER YEAR, for all of you Poor Bastard's who are used to earning a typical median income of $40,000 or $50,000 a year.

So Charlie, in spite of his debatable talent as an actor, had somehow managed to maneuver into a gig which comes with a half million dollar a week paycheck, in return for starring in a half hour weekly TV show that probably doesn't require him to work more than 7 or 8 months out of the year, at most!

Life would seem to be moving along nicely for Charlie at first glance...Let's review:

-A couple of 21 year old, live-in, porn star girlfriends prancing around his trendy digs somewhere in the Hollywood Hills;

-A couple of million a month rolling in to keep him in cigarettes, cocaine and beer;

-And all he has to do to keep this adult playground running is show and do a lousy 30 minute TV show 26 times a year; keep his big fat mouth SHUT; and keep his sordid personal life to himself!....

What could be simpler?

Of course the average Poor Bastard would be all over this deal like the ass on a baboon but what does Charlie do...?

He goes and screws things up to such an extent that he is FIRED from his $26,000,000 (TWENTY-SIX MILLION DOLLAR) a year job!

THAT'S what he does!

And that alone would clearly qualify him as a True Poor Bastard!

But if that wasn't bad enough, the Poor Bastard then goes on a public tirade about how unfairly he has been treated and what an injustice it is for a guy with "Adonis DNA" and "tiger's blood" in his veins (Charlie's words, not mine), to be subjected to the humiliating indignity of being fired from his own TV show...

And he doesn't stop there....

When the camera lights dim and he sobers up long enough to achieve a brief moment of clarity, he realizes that he really has been fired; and the bright lights of Hollywood are finished shining on him.

So what does he do...?

He launches a live show and goes ON TOUR!.....Like he is some sort of rock star or something! That's what he does!

For the love of Money!.....Could it possibly get any worse?

Exactly what kind show it is, I have no idea. And I doubt seriously that Charlie knows. Unless he was smart enough and humble enough to have figured out that Americans will show up in droves to watch him make a complete fool out of himself in front of a live audience.

After all, one of the tenants of the Poor Bastard's Creed has always been, "Misery Loves Company."

So at the end of the day Charlie has blown a $26,000,000 a year job (TWENTY-SIX MILLION DOLLAR).....repeatedly made a fool out of himself through his drug and alcohol fueled public tirades....and for all practical purposes become a professional and personal embarrassment for both himself and his family.

If and when Charlie ever does wake up from this extended nightmare and get a grip on himself long enough to realize what he has done, he will undoubtedly find himself sitting on a toilet one morning, hacking down a Pall Mall; shaking his head and mumbling to himself...

"Charlie, what the F-k have you done?......you are Truly a Poor Bastard!"