The Big Dick in the Sky...........

Getting away from the almost daily grind of political sex scandals, the Grand Poo Ba was mildly amused by the Poor Bastard story of JR Hildebrand...The made-for-TV, Indy-car rookie with GQ good looks who crashed his car into the wall on the last lap of the Indianapolis 500 on Memorial Day, while in the lead!

Yep! That's right folks....after 499.5 miles of a 500 mile race with fame, fortune and all the super models he could heap on his plate less than a half mile away, the dashing Poor Bastard slammed into the wall coming out of turn 4 at racing's famed "brickyard", otherwise known as the Indianapolis Motor Speedway; in what could have been the biggest day of JR's young career. Unfortunately for JR it will always be one of the most memorable days, not only in his own career, but very likely in the history of Indy car racing....just not the kind of memorable day he had hoped for...

With the checkered flag only 1,000 feet away Poor Bastard JR Hildebrand limps along toward the finish line of the Indianapolis 500 after hitting the wall on the final lap, having led for the last 40 laps of car racing's biggest dance...

Eventual winner Dan Wheldon then flew past in his orange and white Indy car, taking advantage of the fact that his car had not been driven into a wall at 200 miles per hour...

This unfortunate turn of events, at least for heart-throb JR Hildebrand, is an example of what Poor Bastards call "the big dick in the sky"...a phenomenon that all long-standing Poor Bastards have experienced at one time or another.....

The big dick in the sky refers to the unwavering tendency for things to go wrong, and not just a little bit wrong, but really wrong....just when a Poor Bastard is on the verge of a major personal or professional triumph....The big dick phenomenon is an unexplainable force which follows Poor Bastards around like a bad smell; always ready to pounce at the first sign things might be on the upswing for the Poor Bastard in question.

As a point of clarification it must be noted that the big dick is not what causes the embarrassing implosion that occurs when a True Poor Bastard emerges in the spotlight, all spit-shined and ready to unravel all of the personal and professional success they have achieved in front of the American Media Spectacle and Inquiring Poor Bastards throughout The Kingdom.

Events such as these are easily distinguishable from the mysterious force known as the big dick in one important respect; when a True Poor Bastard crumbles and falls like Humpty-Dumpty tumbling down from the wall, it is due to nothing but self-imposed hubris and stupidity...for which they have no one but themselves to blame.

The big dick, on the other hand, is exactly the opposite....As with our young hero JR Hildebrand, the big dick in the sky swoops down and skewers the unsuspecting Poor Bastard just when he is on the verge of a major accomplishment and has done nothing in particular to contribute to his own self-destruction other than to wake up, put his pants on, walk out the door and wait for the big dick to come swooping down and spear him like a teriyaki shish-kabob destined for a Poor Bastard's grill.

The big dick can be thought of as sort of the Poor Bastard's Reality Check, as it seems to always be waiting in the wings ready to remind the world, and the Poor Bastard in question, that you really are a Poor Bastard!...no matter what small personal success you may enjoy on occasion....and don't you forget it!













Our newly christened Poor Bastard JR Hildebrand is shown here after the big dick returned to visit him again only yesterday, when he suffered a debilitating knee injury during an appearance at a promotional event at the Texas Motor Speedway in Ft. Worth, TX.

Hildebrand was competing in an obstacle course competition against a fellow Indy car driver when the injury occurred. The event, called "Driven by Fitness", was reportedly staged to demonstrate that Indy car drivers really are athletes, in spite of the view of many Skeptical Poor Bastards who do not seem convinced that driving a race car is really an "athletic" endeavor.

UPDATE.........The High Council of the Fraternal Order of the Poor Bastard  has just announced that they have decided to create a special Poor Bastard designation for Poor Bastard's who, in the face of personal adversity, have demonstrated that they possess the stupidity and/or loyalty to "take one for the team"....

This new class of Poor Bastard will be known as the Hildebrand Poor Bastard...and will be used to identify those Poor Bastards who "take a double-dicking and keep on ticking"....