Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard Newt Gingrich Takes A Standing Eight Count!

If you thought we were kidding when the High Council of the Fraternal Order of The Poor Bastard elevated the status of Republican presidential wanna-be Newt Gingrich to Genuine Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard, then you need to check out this amusing little story from ABC News-

http://news.yahoo.com/newt-gingrich-utah-primary-check-bounces-032418602--abc-news-politics.html

That's right folks, you heard it here first, and now it's all over the mainstream press...Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich (McPherson), being the Genuine Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard that he is, has bounced a $500 check that was issued to pay his filing fee for the Utah Republican primary, according to Mark Thomas, the Utah state election director!

Yes, it appears that The Newter has finally been neutered after it was announced that his campaign had bounced a $500 check that was issued to pay his filing fee for the Utah state Republican primary!...

Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard Newt Gingrich is seen here breaking into tears after being told that he won't be able to play Mormon presidential politics with fudge-packer Mitt Romney in the outback known as Utah!






Meanwhile in other news from the circus of idiots (otherwise known as the Republican presidential primary), Rick "who is that Dan Savage guy anyway?" Santorum has finally thrown in the towel on his presidential aspirations after being soundly trounced in one primary after another, as the Unflappable Poor Bastard,  fudge-packer Mitt Romney, never wavered in his promise to rid the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard of that awful stench of fresh santorum that had been wafting through the air ever since the arrogant fool and Obnoxious Poor Bastard Rick "who is that Dan Savage guy anyway?" Santorum took to the campaign trail in his quest to become The Kingdom's next exalted leader!

For those of you who haven't been following along, the sniglet* "santorum" was coined by syndicated columnist and gay rights activist Dan Savage several years ago in an attempt to bring embarrassment and public humiliation to the ultra right-wing whacko-balls ex-senator from Pennsylvania, due to his belligerent intolerance of gays and gay rights issues.

After launching a nationwide "Google-bomb" using his syndicated sex advice column as something of a bully pulpit to bring shame and embarrassment raining down upon the Doomed Poor Bastard Rick Santorum, Savage was able to successfully associate Santorum's last name with a vile mixture of anal lube and fecal matter which can apparently be a by-product of a certain sexual act.

Not to be denied his rightful place among The Kingdom's heroic figures, presidential hopeful Mitt Romney committed himself to the unpleasant task of ridding the nation of that foul stench of fresh santorum, which seems to linger in the air long after the Foul Bastard from Pennsylvania has come and gone!

Presidential hopeful and Silver-Tongued Poor Bastard "fudge-packer" Mitt Romney is seen here strapping on the heavy equipment as he sets about to clean up another smoldering pile of fresh santorum found along the campaign trail....








*Sniglet -  a word that isn't in the dictionary but should be.

Peach State Crackers Run Amuck At Savannah Gun Show As The Newter's Fiscal Disaster Continues To Grow!

The Grand Poo Ba is fresh off the campaign trail, where word of the Newter's ongoing financial woes continues to mount after this story from the Washington Post hit the wire service Saturday morning-

http://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/gingrich-health-care-think-tank-files-for-bankruptcy-protection/2012/04/05/gIQAvgy2xS_story.html?tid=pm_politics_pop

As the details begin to emerge about the Newter's latest fiscal disaster, Inquiring Poor Bastards throughout The Kingdom are already asking, "What do the word "think" and Newt Gingrich have in common"? And the answer is, apparently not a lot....at least when it comes to thinking about how in the hell your "think tank" is going to pay the damned rent!

Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich (McPherson) is seen here refusing to remove his royal head-wear after being told repeatedly that he is NOT going to be allowed to become the first Monarch of the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard!

Regular readers of The Poor Bastard's Gazette are already aware of Newt-what do you mean I can't be King?-Gingrich's money troubles, after it was reported in last week's post that the wanna-be King of The Poor Bastards had resorted to selling photo ops to his campaign faithful for fifty bucks a crack in an attempt to bolster the war chest for his sputtering Republican presidential campaign.

Not to be intimidated by a lack of financial firepower, the Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard Newt Gingrich and his prodigious ego continued to forge ahead in an effort to achieve what all True Poor Bastards inherently know is their goal in life....public humiliation and embarrassment due to their stifling ignorance and unabashed hubris!

Meanwhile, back in The Newter's adopted home state of Georgia, the guards have apparently let the lunatics out of the asylum once again, as this report from Atlanta Business Chronicle confirms-

http://www.bizjournals.com/atlanta/morning_call/2012/04/man-leaving-savannah-gun-show-shoots.html?ana=RSS&s=article_search

That's right, folks.  Twenty-five-year-old Poor Bastard William Penfield of Hinesville, GA reportedly shot himself in the leg after leaving a gun show in downtown Savannah, GA this past Sunday...Adding a sarcastic twist of humor to this otherwise pathetic display of Genuine Poor Bastard behavior is that this is apparently the second such incident to occur at a Savannah gun show in the last two months, after 26 year-old Rank & File Poor Bastard Charles Lake of Rincon, GA reportedly shot himself in the leg as he was leaving a gun show at the Savannah Civic Center on February 5 of 2012!

Since there is obviously no accounting for the brazen stupidity of the Poor Bastard crackers in the Peach State, we will leave this one to the local constabulary to sort out after posing the rhetorical question-

Do you think they might want to reevaluate their gun-totin' policy down there in the Peach State?

The Man Who Would Be King Instead Becomes A Public Embarrassment For Republican Party

It seems like only yesterday that any time a right-wing, reactionary greaseball Poor Bastard crawled out from under the nearest rock and declared they were a Republican candidate for president, the cash would pour in like rainwater through the roof of a Poor Bastard's 1978 single-wide trailer; or like moonshine out of a well-hidden Poor Bastard's still; or like pictures of naked Poor Bastard congressmen on the internet; or like.....well, you get the idea!

But these days things are quite different, it seems, as evidenced by the breaking story that Royal Poor Bastard Newt - "what do you mean I can't be King?" - Gingrich has resorted to selling photo ops to his supporters as he makes his way down the fading presidential campaign trail to Never-Never Land!

Yep! That's right folks...The Newter is flat broke, out of cash!

In other words, a Genuine Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard!

The Newter, seen here reacting to the news that the High Council of the Fraternal Order of The Poor Bastard had just elevated his status to that of a Genuine Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard!









According to this story from the National Journal, The Newter really has been neutered due to a lack of campaign cash. As a result, campaign strategists are now offering supporters the opportunity to have their picture taken in the company of the Bloated Poor Bastard (who you have to admit has taken on a striking resemblance to the late Iconic Poor Bastard Ted Kennedy) for a mere fifty bucks!

http://news.yahoo.com/gingrich-begins-charging-50-photos-events-211722126.html

Yep!...Half a C-note will get you an heirloom that the patriotic Rank & Foul Poor Bastard family can proudly display on the living room wall of their new double-wide!

Now I know what all of you Inquiring Poor Bastards are probably thinking...and it's the same question the Grand Poo Ba just has to set forth for the court of public opinion to ponder...

"You mean to tell me that Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich (McPherson) has become so desperate for cash that he is selling his infamous mugshot for less than the cost of a couple of "Boomsticks" and a bag of cheese-doodles at a Texas Rangers baseball game?"

Hard to believe, but you just can't make this stuff up!

I know it must be heartbreaking for the dozens of supporters that The Newter no doubt has throughout the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard. But as we all know far too well, times are tough and ready cash is a hot commodity that is in short supply for many Poor Bastards...As it appears is the case with one of The Kingdom's exalted icons of pompous arrogance and vitriolic hubris......Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich (McPherson)!

The Newter is seen here reacting to the news that campaign staffers are having a hard time peddling photo ops with the Bloated Poor Bastard for a measly fifty bucks!

 In honor of all the hard work and sacrifice The Newter has endured in his efforts to become leader of the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard, the High Council of the Fraternal Order of The Poor Bastard has decided to name a sniglet* after Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich (McPherson)...This rarefied and distinguished honor means that forever more a pimple on the end of the nose - such as the one seen here - will be known to Poor Bastards throughout The Realm as a "Gingrich!"


* For those Poor Bastards who haven't been following along, a "sniglet" is the term for a word that isn't in the dictionary but should be.

Redneck Riviera Invaded By Nine Pound Rats!

What with all the bad press that the state of Florida has been getting lately, perhaps it's no surprise that the Grand Poo Ba woke up to a new day with this Poor Bastard Tale of Woe staring him in the face-

Cat-sized African rats survive in Florida

http://news.yahoo.com/photos/cat-sized-african-rats-survive-in-florida-slideshow/ 

A Florida Cracker and certain Poor Bastard is seen here attempting to sneak up on a dinner-sized nine pound Gambian rat after hearing that they make for a tasty fricassee...





Of course followers of The Poor Bastard's Gazette are no doubt well aware of the Grand Poo Ba's general fear and loathing of just about everything having to do with the Sunshine State.

And perhaps the rest of the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard  shouldn't be terribly surprised by anything that happens in this unrefined mecca of illiteracy, cigarette butts, sun-burned beer-guts and Malingering Poor Bastards wearing sleeveless NASCAR tee-shirts and baseball caps turned around backwards - especially considering this is the state that is single-handedly responsible for stinking up the rest of the country with the likes of that Ultimate Presidential Poor Bastard Boy George Bush!

But then, like the Grand Poo Ba's grandma used to say, "we must let bygones be bygones..."

Meanwhile, the word around the backyard BBQ grills of Poor Bastards from one end of the Redneck Riviera to the other is that the giant nine pound rats do make a tasty fricassee, which is a good thing considering that summer is just around the corner, and before we know it, beaches throughout the Sunshine State will be lined with hairy, beer-guzzling redneck Yonks who are just chomping at the bit for a taste of something more exotic than a foot-long Oscar Mayer Wiener!

A Florida bubba and his Poor Bastardette girlfriend enjoying a taste of the official Florida state dish...the "hands-only bun-free foot-long wiener!"







Considering that state wildlife officials have had their hands full for the last several years trying to deal with yet another infestation of Titanic proportions, that being the rampant proliferation of African rock pythons and reticulated Burmese pythons in the Florida Everglades, and the complete lack of success they have had in trying to control those non-native species, it should come as no surprise to the rest of Poor Bastard humanity that those same officials have actually been battling the rat infestation for a number of years with little success......"Oh, duh?"

"Honey...look what I found laying out by the pool!"















 As the Grand Poo Ba likes to say....."Mother nature bats last!"

A True Poor Bastard Tale of Woe!

The general rule around here at the editorial desk of the Poor Bastard's Gazette is to try and avoid making too much fun of the Garden-Variety Poor Bastard mass of humanity when they are suffering through times of want and woe, trial and tribulation, pain and suffering or just your run-of-the-mill stroke of temporary misfortune...except in those circumstances which involve:

a) Poor Bastards from the ranks of the Hollywood Glitterati...

Degenerate Poor Bastard, CHARLIE SHEEN!

 b) Political Poor Bastards who float to the top of the Washington DC cesspool...

Congressional Wiener...ANTHONY WIENER

c) Self-Absorbed Poor Bastards from the surreal world of  overpaid, pseudo-important sports figures...

Pathetic Poor Bastard TIGER WOODS!

d) Any Poor Bastardette who has the public misfortune of having her picture taken just as she wraps her mouth around a foot-long corny dog...

Sporting Poor Bastardette MICHELE BACHMANN! ..."You go, girl!"

e) Any Poor Bastard whose misfortune is the direct result of their own ignorance and stupidity...

 

              BUTT-ROCKET BOY...a True Poor Bastard!

f) Any Poor Bastard or Poor Bastardette who is, well...just a walking, talking image of the Iconic Poor Bastard!

Reindeer Titty Party Girl and Poor Bastardette!

No Comment!

g ) And last but not least, any Egotistical Poor Bastard who is possessed with sufficient hubris to think that the rest of The Kingdom wants them to be President of the Nation of Poor Bastards and is named "RICK"...or "NEWT"...or "MITT"...or "HERMIE"...

"Aw shucks, that's just some GOOD HAIR!"

"I can smell FRESH SANTORUM..."

The King of the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard!

"I did NOT screw no white woman!"

"Somebody has to clean up that FRESH SANTORUM!"

However, there is that rare occasion when a Poor Bastard Tale of Woe just happens across the desk of the Grand Poo Ba, which is pathetic, sad and pitiful - while at the same time contains an element of basic humor - such that it cannot be ignored as potential cannon fodder by the editorial board here at the Poor Bastard's Gazette....

And today we have just such a story in the sad news concerning 56 year-old Rank & File Poor Bastard  Raymond Segura, Jr. who died yesterday after being buried in a mountain of dried pinto beans while working at the Kelley Bean Company in Brush, Colorado!

Yep! That's right folks, Poor Bastard Raymond apparently suffocated after being buried in what police and rescue workers described as a "20-foot high mound of loose pinto beans..." that weighed several tons! Despite the efforts of rescue workers, the Poor Bastard was dead by the time the workers reached him, according to Morgan County Under-Sheriff Dave Martin.

Now that, my friends, is a True Poor Bastard Tale of Woe!

http://news.yahoo.com/colorado-man-buried-under-mound-pinto-beans-dies-032345406.html 

High Council Announces the Dunn Award Winners For 2012

The Glitterati may have their Oscars, that unnecessary and forgettable event where High-Tone Hollywood Poor Bastards get together to find out just exactly who it is that Angelina Jolie is f-cking at the moment, but Rank & File Poor Bastards have the Annual Dunn Awards, that memorable time of year when the High Council of the Fraternal Order of The Poor Bastard hands down The Kingdom's top award for being a truly Stupid Dumb-F--k Poor Bastard.

Named after that ultimate Stupid Dumb-F--k Poor Bastard, Ryan Dunn, who only last year sat around at a West Chester, PA, bar all afternoon getting snot-slinging drunk with his pals, only to hop in his Porsche 911T along with an equally dumb-f--k and Doomed Poor Bastard buddy and then proceeded to drive his car over the guardrail of a bridge at 160 mph, wrapping both himself and his best bud around a tree, in a fiery crash that cost both Poor Bastards their lives.

So, in memory of that historic display of inexplicable ignorance, and in an effort to remind us all that the gene pool must constantly be culled, the High Council has decided to name an award in honor of the ultimate Stupid Dumb-F--k Poor Bastard Ryan Dunn.

The first annual Dunn Awards were recently announced by the High Council of the Fraternal Order of The Poor Bastard in conjunction with the recently concluded Oscar ceremonies, and here are the recipients of the top honors:

Honorable Mention -  "Garret"

 Third Place  - Anonymous

Second Place - "Cody"

 

And the Grand Prize Winner 2012 is - "Butt-Rocket Boy!"

Proving once again that no matter how hard you try, you just can't make this stuff up!

Poor Bastards Just Love A Good Celebrity Funeral!

If you listen to the mainstream media circus it would sure seem like the great mass of Poor Bastard humanity just loves a good funeral!...And especially one that involves a washed up, aging pop culture icon who has fallen on hard times....And even more so when it involves a washed up, aging pop culture icon who has fallen on hard times due mostly to their own hubris, self-absorbed delusional sense of grandeur, pig-headed stubbornness and completely distorted sense of reality...as was the case with that Ultimate Poor Bastard Michael Jackson and now the once gleaming superstar and Genuinely Pathetic Poor Bastardette Whitney Houston.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/maer-roshan/whitney-houston-and-the-m_1_b_1293390.html 

If Whitney Houston's life wasn't destined to be hard enough, what with the drugs and being the cousin of 60's pop music icon Dionne Warwick and all, she only complicated matters by getting married to the forgettable, self-aggrandizing Degenerate Poor Bastard Bobby Brown, whose major claim to fame has been that of being the alleged drug supplier for the out-of-control substance abuse program which ultimately caused the death of Houston on February 11, 2012.

Consistent with the voyeuristic tendencies which are one of the hallmarks of a culture awash in all things near and dear to the Poor Bastard class, the sale of Whitney Houston's records in both the traditional physical media and virtual streaming media had increased ten-fold within 24 hours of her death!...

http://www.businessinsider.com/whitney-houstons-death-has-brought-her-brand-to-life-2012-2

Like the Grand Poo Ba was saying, it sure seems like the great unwashed like nothing better than a nice, juicy celebrity death to sink their collective fangs into; and while the death spectacle which has surrounded Whitney Houston's demise is admittedly no match for the summer-long, made for TV melodrama which unfolded after the death of has-been pop music icon and truly Degenerate Poor Bastard Michael Jackson, the four hour memorial service which preceded her mournful funeral train from the New Hope Baptist Church in Newark, NJ to the Fairview Cemetery in nearby Westfield, NJ was certainly enough to rank as an entertainment spectacle, replete with all the subtext and celebrity drama which always seems to beleaguer a gathering of washed up Poor Bastard Glitterati and Poor Bastard celebrity figures with careers on the wane.

Among the malingering Has-Been Poor Bastards and fading members of the entertainment industry's Poor Bastard Glitterati who attended and/or participated in the service, was none other than Kevin Costner, another aging star whose light is fading fast into the darkness of B-movie scripts and guest appearances on Law and Order: Special Victims Unit.

For his part, Costner was reported to have read a forty-five minute eulogy which largely portrayed Houston as he knew her before she descended into the abyss of drug abuse and helplessness which occurred after the star-crossed Houston became involved with the erstwhile Poor Bastard Bobby Brown....When Costner concluded his tribute, it was said there wasn't a dry eye in the house, as record sales continued to soar through the roof!

Meanwhile as paparazzi and Garden-Variety Poor Bastards lingered on the grounds of the New Hope Baptist Church, hoping to catch a glimpse of Houston's funeral entourage or possibly a living, aging celebrity icon, Degenerate Poor Bastard Bobby Brown arrived, only to be told that all 187 members of his entourage would not be able to sit together inside the church where the memorial service was taking place.

Unwilling to take such an insult lying down, Brown instead quickly paid his respects to his ex-wife and then left the service, headed for the Mohegan Sun Arena in nearby Connecticut, where, after  belatedly taking the stage for a performance, he was quoted as saying to the crowd,

"I want to give blessings to my ex-wife, Whitney Houston, I love you. I want to give blessings to my kids, my fiancee (Alicia Etheridge), my brothers, and each of you..." before adding "...And if you didn't already know, I go by the name of Bad-Ass Bobby Brown."

Nothing but class, Big Bobby Bad-Ass.....nothing but class! 

 Bad-Ass himself is seen here starting to cry after being told that his 187 member entourage would not be seated together at Whitney Houston's memorial service...






Meanwhile back at the ranch, Whitney and Bobby's daughter, Bobbi Kristina Brown, apparently didn't want to let the family tradition of well-publicized drug consumption slip into the historical record as she was reported to have bailed out of the funeral procession to head off to a nearby hotel and get loaded.

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/02/19/bobbi-kristina-brown-found-getting-high-after-whitney-s-funeral.html

 Whitney Houston and daughter Bobbi Kristina Brown are seen together after a couple of blasts from Bad-Ass Bobby Brown's bad-ass bong launched them both into the Ozone...

Houston and daughter Bobbi are seen here in happier times, all piled into Bad-Ass's tricked out, low-down, honky-blastin' ride, heading out to score a dime bag with one of Big Bobby's peeps!