Defining the Poor Bastard

Among the most frequently asked questions the Grand Poor Bastard  hears are;

"How do I know if I qualify as a Poor Bastard?"

And, "how can I tell if someone else is a Poor Bastard?"

The answer to the first question is simple. If you are unable to determine for yourself whether or not you are a Poor Bastard, then you almost certainly are one!

The fact that you would question your own qualifications for being a Poor Bastard is enough to suggest that you are a waffling, indecisive type; characteristics which have very likely already led you down the path of self-righteous indignation and general discontent with your station in life; two qualities inherent in all Garden-Variety Poor Bastards!


True Poor Bastards are a slightly different animal and although they are generally found to possess many of the same qualities as most Garden-Variety Poor Bastards it is often the case that the True Poor Bastard is highly adept at hiding their true inner character; making it much harder to assess the legitimacy of their qualifications for being a Poor Bastard.

On balance the Garden-Variety Poor Bastard is much easier to classify once you understand the basic principles of what it takes to qualify as a Poor Bastard. The declining state of modern civilization over the last 25 years has led to an epidemic increase in the population of Poor Bastards world-wide. To such an extent that it is hard NOT to encounter a Poor Bastard  incident or two almost every day of your life.

Turn on the TV news (always fertile ground for Poor Bastard vignettes); spend half an hour surfing a handful of your favorite mindless websites; or just stroll down the hall to the water cooler some morning, while you are sitting around your cubicle staring at the walls, waiting for the lunch bell to ring.

What you will very likely find is that there are no shortage of Poor Bastard  Tales of Woe being recounted by your fellow Poor Bastards and Bastardettes. Listen closely and you are likely to hear certain common threads among most of these stories. It is these commonalities which define the Poor Bastards among us.

One notable and defining characteristic of the Poor Bastard is their inherent tendency to repeat the same behavior and make the same mistakes over an over again; apparently unable or unwilling to learn from their past transgressions or the those of fellow Poor Bastards.

Many a True Poor Bastard has been observed in the public arena doing exactly that; e.g. Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan (pictured below), Michael Jackson, Paris Hilton, Mel Gibson; to name but a few.

It was Albert Einstein (a Poor Bastard himself) who first observed that "repeating the same behavior over and over, and expecting a different result, was the definition of insanity."

Perhaps Al was right...?







A second recurring theme among the Poor Bastard class is the tendency to somehow manage to make the worst out of a situation, most of the time....Can you say, Charlie Sheen?

Along these lines is another common trait found in most Poor Bastards which is to not know when to shut the f-k up.....Can you say Mel Gibson?

To paraphrase Mark Twain (America's Original Historic Poor Bastard)...

"One can sit quietly with their mouth closed and appear stupid; or open it and remove all doubt."

The most astonishing character flaw found among the Poor Bastard class is the utter lack of shame or remorse for their displays of stupidity and ignorance. In extreme cases many Poor Bastards will even display a warped sense of pride in their ludicrous behavior. Confirming what the rest of us already know...

That at the end of the day.....you really are a Poor Bastard!