A Little Holiday Cheer From The Grand Poo Ba...

Three women who have died are standing in line waiting to speak to St. Peter before passing through the gates of heaven. The first is a retired store clerk, the second is a suburban soccer mom and the third woman in line is Monica Lewinsky.

St. Peter says to the first woman,

"Confess your sins and tell me what part of your body you have used to commit these sins."

To which the woman replies,

"I confess that I have taken things that did not belong to me St. Peter, and I used my hands to commit these sins; but I have been a good person for many years and have accepted Jesus Christ as my savior."

St. Peter rubs his chin for a moment and then says to the woman,

"Step over to your right and wash your hands in that bowl of holy water. You will then be absolved of your sins and may then pass through the gates of heaven."...

The woman steps away from the front of the line as St. Peter motions the soccer mom to step forward. St. Peter then says to the second woman,

"Confess your sins and tell me what part of your body you have used to commit these sins."

To which the soccer mom replies,

"I confess that I have committed acts of sodomy St. Peter, and I used my ass while committing these sins; but I have been a good person for many years and have accepted Jesus Christ as my savior."

At which point Monica Lewinsky steps forward, shoves the soccer mom out of the way and says to St. Peter,

"Excuse me St. Peter, but can I step over there and wash my mouth out before this woman sticks her ass in that bowl of water."

Poor Bastard's Gazette Joke of The Week...

This week's Poor Bastard Joke of The Week was submitted by a life-time member of the Fraternal Order of the Poor Bastard  who hails from the Great State of Texas...

JEWISH DIVORCE

A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Irv."
All he Wants is sex, sex and more sex.
My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece
When it used to be the size of a nickel."
Her mother says,
"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman,
You live in an 8 Bedroom mansion
You drive a $250,000 Ferrari,
You get $2,000 a week allowance,
You take 6 vacations a year and
You want to throw all that away...

Over 45 cents?"

Poor Bastard in Training...

In what appears to the Grand Poo Ba as nothing less than a future U.S. congressman and Poor Bastard in Training we see a young toddler being taught the fine art of swimming in a toilet...no doubt in anticipation of a career in politics!





Note the use of the bathtub as secondary storage for household goods...a classic Garden-Variety Poor Bastard solution to the problem of Garage Overflow...

New York Gene Pool Needs Thinning

In what can only be described as a genuinely True Poor Bastard story the Associated Press is reporting that Kevin Daly of Coram, NY was arrested early Thursday morning on a DWI charge after crashing into a police car.

In a mugshot photo that was subsequently released by the Suffolk County Police Department the Idiotic Poor Bastard is seen wearing a black t-shirt that reads,

"I'm Not An Alcoholic, I'M A DRUNK. (Alcoholics Go To Meetings)."

Daly is being held on $10,000 bail pending a court appearance next Wednesday. The AP reports that he was represented by an attorney from Legal Aid during his arraignment, an indication that he is not only a Dumb-F-k Poor Bastard but a Broke Poor Bastard as well!

It sounds like they need to do a little culling of the gene pool up there in Suffolk County, NY.....

"Oops" He Did It Again.....

He's BACK!....Governor Goodhair, that True Poor Bastard  from The Great State of Texas is at it again!...After stumbling on his foot and ending up with it stuck firmly in his big, fat  Texas-Sized Poor Bastard  mouth, Big Rick Perry has apparently managed to extract appendage from orifice in one last desperate effort to salvage his presidential aspirations.

For those Garden-Variety Poor Bastards and the great unwashed from throughout The Realm, who may not be aware of  what has been going on with the Lone Star Embarrassment and his "less government is good crusade", you can always count on The Poor Bastard's Gazette to bring you up to speed once the fog of that Bud-Light hangover has lifted!...

Role back the clock to November 9th and the televised republican candidate debate and we find Big Rick stumbling for words when he was asked exactly which three federal agencies he advocates eliminating.

Now for those of you who are truly uninformed about Goodhair's political platform, it is worth knowing that Presidential Poor Bastard Perry  is supposedly the "author" of a best-selling book called "Fed Up!"...The subject of which is Perry's disgust with excessive government, excessive government spending and in excess in general - unless of course it is excess cash that just so happens to find its way into the Governor's pocket!



It would seem to the Grand Poo Ba that anyone who had taken the time to actually sit down and write a book might be expected to be able to remember what the content of the book was about; which in the case of everyone except Governor Goodhair Rick Perry, is probably true...However, when Big Rick attempted to name the specific government agencies it was that he wants to eliminate as part of his "reducing the size of government" campaign platform,  Big Rick suddenly found that he had forgotten exactly which agencies it was that he had written about so eloquently in his best selling book!

Now, don't get me wrong here...There are actually a couple of points in his book that The Grand Poo Ba happens to agree with Governor Goodhair  about...but what we find completely unacceptable here at the editorial board of The Poor Bastard's Gazette is the idea that someone could have an agenda they are truly passionate about, passionate enough to run for president of the United States; and then find that they can't seem to remember exactly what that agenda is during a peak moment of opportunity on stage in front of the entire Kingdom of the Poor Bastard!

In a closing comment that was perhaps the highlight of Big Rick's evening, he entered the media spin room after his televised world-wide gaff and stated aloud:

"I'm sure glad I had my boots on because I sure stepped in it out there."

Herman (Share the Love) Cain's Presidential Campaign Enters Melt Down Mode...

Although the Grand Poo Ba has been on yet another extended sabbatical for the last month, it doesn't mean he hasn't been monitoring the ongoing intrigue of numerous Elite Poor Bastards throughout the Kingdom of the Poor Bastard. Specifically, the ongoing saga of republican presidential hopeful, and truly Degenerate Poor Bastard, Herman (Share the Love) Cain...

Herman Cain's chief of staff Mark Block is seen here gagging on a cancer stick while taping a campaign ad for his boss...





Cain's campaign first gained national notoriety when his so called "chief of staff", Mark Block, appeared in a TV campaign ad choking down a cancer stick and blowing smoke in the camera person's face. Whether it was meant to portray the Poor Bastard presidential candidate and his inner circle as just part of the great unwashed mass of Garden-Variety Poor Bastards, who never got the cancer memo about smoking cigarettes...or whether there was some higher subliminal message about freedom of choice and self-determination that the rest of us Poor Bastards were supposed to get out of the ad, nobody really knows....but what we do know is that it didn't do much to derail the controversial allegations of sexual harassment which had been made by several women prior the ad appearing on TV.

Poor Bastard Cain, for his part, has done very little to stem the rising tide of discontent with his obviously boorish attitude toward women in general; and his campaign strategists certainly haven't helped by allowing Cain's lawyers to issue thinly veiled threats against any women who may come forward in the future.

"Everyman" Herman Cain sporting his signature black cowboy hat...doesn't he know that "good guys always wear white?"










To date no less than four women have come forward with allegations that the folksy, home-spun Hermie Cain, who never misses an opportunity to remind audiences that he is NOT  part of the political establishment, would nonetheless appear to be well versed in at least one of the behavioral characteristics of contemporary Poor Bastard political figures from both sides of the isle...i.e; the tendency to let their political pecker get the better of them when they feel the urge to "share the love!"

When asked about the allegations of sexual harassment Cain explained that he has approximately this much love to share...







Of course in Hermie Cain's case, the allegations have not been proven, at least not to the satisfaction of the accused Poor Bastard Malefactor, even though rumors continue to persist that several of the female accusers were paid handsome sums back in the late 1990's in exchange for agreeing to fade quietly into the background...Presumably so-as not to spoil Hermie's presidential aspirations at some future date!

Doomed presidential candidate and Genuine Poor Bastard Herman Cain is seen here mopping the sweat from his brow as the unseemly accusations against him continue to mount...

Bocephus Out To Get Big, Bad Socialists Who Are Ruining The U.S...

If ever there was ever a single moron in all The Kingdom  of the Poor Bastard who embodies the Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard  it has to be Hank Williams, Jr!  After decades of skating along on the coat-tails of his legendary father's name, in spite of his bellicose and boorish personality, ol' Bocephus has finally managed to get his boot stuck in his big, fat mouth... costing him what was very likely the best paying steady gig he has ever landed during his dreadful decades long "career" as a country & western singer.

Now before we get too far into this rant, let's stop for a moment to take a quick look at the life and times of this Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard-

Born in Shreveport, LA  (indigenous Poor Bastard country)  in 1949,  Bocephus was one of six children of the legendary C&W music pioneer Hank Williams.  After Hank Sr.'s untimely death in 1953,  the Little Poo Ba from Shreveport was raised by stage mother Audrey Williams,  who crafted the budding child star in the image of his late father...dressing him up in little Hank Williams outfits that were designed to look just like the clothes his father wore when he performed on stage at the Grand Ole Opry...

After several years of being shepherded about by mom,  Little Bo' severed ties with the old bat and set out to pursue his own musical path by hanging out with the Red, White & Blue rough and ready crowd who had come to embody southern rock/outlaw cowboy music, including the likes of Fellow Poor Bastards such as Waylon Jennings and Charlie Daniels...  

The aspiring musical career of the Poor Bastard from Shreveport was interrupted in 1975 after he decided to go on a drunken mountain climbing expedition in the Montana Rockies where he immediately proceeded to fall off the Rocky Mountains, leaving his face and half his brain plastered on the side of a cliff somewhere on the side of the mountain!

This most unfortunate mishap did lead to the prime commercial opportunity to write a book about the experience, which subsequently led to a made-for-TV melodrama starring none other than Richard ("John-Boy Walton") Thomas as the falling man...from which point on ol' Hank, Jr. / Bocephus has been able to claim yet a third legendary title...that of True Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard...

Whether he earned this notable distinction for being one of the few human beings to ever fall off the Rocky Mountains and survive...or whether it is because he had the embarrassing misfortune to have John-Boy Walton portray his incredible likeness for all the world to see, is something which is known only to The Inner Sanctum of The High Council of the Fraternal Order of the Poor Bastard...which as the Grand Poo Ba recalls it, did in fact involve an emergency session to resolve this watershed moment in American history...

Hanky-Panky's career thereafter experienced a series of highs as he became something of a pop-culture, media darling for reasons which have not yet been fully understood by scientists trying to explain the mysteries of the universe.

In recent years Bocephus has kept himself and the rest of The Kingdom of the Poor Bastard amused with his rendition of the theme song to the NFL's Monday Night Football broadcast...a song titled "Are You Ready for Some Football?"

Our rough & ready "rowdy friends" hero Hank "Bocephus" Williams, Jr. is seen here doing his  impersonation of a gay cowboy...no doubt inspired by the movie Broke Back Mountain...

In true Ultimate Poor Bastard  fashion,  Poor Bastard Bo' recently opened his big mouth and managed to get his even bigger foot stuck squarely inside the orifice, when he decided to open up to his minions and start preaching to the great unwashed about his own political views which...

"How shall we put this?"..... Leave a lot to be desired in terms of intellectual evolution.

During a recent interview on Fox Television's, "Fox & Friends" (a televised gathering of pseudo-intellectual misanthropes, misogynists, garden-variety vermin and sundry Malingering Poor Bastards) Bocephus - in a moment when the Poor Bastard from Shreveport lacked clarity of thought - chose to liken President Barack Obama and House speaker John Boehner golfing together, as being like Adolph Hitler and Benjamin Netanyahu taking to the links...

For whatever reason  Bocephus may have suddenly decided that the entire  Kingdom of the Poor Bastard  was interested in his political views, the outcome has been less than desirable for this Ultimate True, Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard, as he now finds himself without a royalty check after he and his "rowdy friends" image were summarily dismissed as the mascot of Monday Night Football!

Now apparently all of this rabble-rousing and name-calling among the Illiterati at Fox Television has got Bocephus stirred up something awful-like as the Associated Press is reporting today that Bo' and his band of merry-makers has recorded a song about his experience with Fox & Friends...no doubt while the Little Poo Ba from Shreveport was still reeling, after having lost his paying gig as chief wind-bag and honky over at Monday Night Football!

According to the AP story among the more colorful verses in the song are two jingles where the Patriotic Poor Bastard  warns that the U.S.  is "going down the drain" and says it's becoming "The United Socialist States of America." 

....Then in what would appear to be an attempt at an insult hurled against Fox, Big Bo', the Poor Bastard from Shreveport, exhorts his listeners to keep "Fox & Friends and ESPN out of your home..." 

Which of course is what all the big, bad socialists have been encouraging people to do for the last 15 years...

To end this dreadful recounting of hill-billy brain power on vacation, the High Council of the Fraternal Order of the Poor Bastard offers this one sentence of advice to the Ultimate, True Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard  from Shreveport.....

"The next time you have a thought Bocephus....don't bother!"