Thursday, September 13, 2012
Here We Go Again.......
Friday, August 31, 2012
Grand Old Poor Bastard Party Anoints New King!
The genuine passion that all Political Poor Bastards have for telling a really big, juicy lie has no greater champion than the newly anointed (The Wall Street Journal's choice of words, not the Grand Poo Ba's) leader of the Republican Party, Mitt - I'm a religious man - Romney...endearingly known to family and close friends as "Mittens"...
...Otherwise known the great unwashed mass of Poor Bastard humanity as Mitt Robme!
http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/greed-and-debt-the-true-story-of-mitt-romney-and-bain-capital-20120829?print=true
...Otherwise known the great unwashed mass of Poor Bastard humanity as Mitt Robme!
http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/greed-and-debt-the-true-story-of-mitt-romney-and-bain-capital-20120829?print=true
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Porn Superstar Jenna Jameson Endorses Mittens' Presidential Bid!
Once again it is that time which occurs every 4th year when Poor Bastards and Poor Bastardettes from the world of Hollywood's Illiterati crawl out from under their rocks and start chiming in with their opinion of who they plan to vote for in the presidential election.
And while it may be possible that stranger things have happened somewhere in The Kingdom of the Poor Bastard while the Grand Poo Ba has been away, it's hard to imagine anything that could be more perfect than for superstar porn actress and Genuine Poor Bastardette Jenna Jameson to have slipped out from under the satin sheets of her porn palace bedroom to endorse 'Mittens' Romney and his presidential bid!
http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/opinion-la/la-ol-jenna-jameson-goes-republican-20120803,0,2605130.story
While it is certainly true that most red-blooded True Poor Bastards surely respect Ms. Jameson's theatrical talents and breast-augmentation surgery, it is clearly obvious that intellectual discourse has never been one of her strong points.
Meanwhile, Mittens was reported to be delighted with the news that his floundering and pathetic bid for the presidency had received Jameson's meaningless endorsement - even more so than the equally spurious nod from Camp Brain-Fart, where Grizzled Poor Bastard Clint Eastwood, that waxy, rawhide-skinned relic from the bygone era of bad TV acting and even worse movie scripts, has also thrown in the good word for Mittens & Company. Proving once and for all that Eastwood has outlived his own brain!
When asked her opinion of the somewhat dubious endorsement from Jameson, Mrs. Mittens reportedly replied,
"...Mittens and I have always enjoyed going to the movies and Mittens does have a fondness for pretty leading ladies, even if they do look like a figure from a wax museum and have breasts that look like they were molded out of plastic!"
Now that Romney and his supporters clearly have a celebrity brain-trust of such Titanic Poor Bastard proportions squarely in the corner, one can only imagine how Barack O-blah-blah-bama and his team must be quaking in their Presidential Poor Bastard loafers, while at the same time trying to keep from laughing their asses off at the absurdity of a self-proclaimed, holier-than-thou Bumbling Poor Bastard presidential candidate of the Mormon faith being endorsed by one the most legendary Copulation Queens of all-time, who, according to her own Wikipedia page, has 161 porn film "credits" to show for her acrobatic, silicone-enhanced career!
The Grand Poo Ba isn't so sure the word "credits" is really the appropriate term but that's an entirely different subject.
Pictured at left Poor Bastardette Jenna Jameson, who according to prosecutors, was arrested in May of 2012 for drunk driving in Orange County, CA after crashing her Range Rover SUV into a light pole and then failing the roadside booze-o-meter test by blowing a .08!...Upon arrest she was also found to be driving without a valid driver's license!
When asked about the incident Jameson reportedly responded, "I have always been told to suck, not blow, and now I guess I know why!"
Lending a truly new meaning to the phrase "dumb blonde" and proving yet again that Poor Bastard Comedian Ron White's observation that "you can't fix stupid" is as true as ever!
And while it may be possible that stranger things have happened somewhere in The Kingdom of the Poor Bastard while the Grand Poo Ba has been away, it's hard to imagine anything that could be more perfect than for superstar porn actress and Genuine Poor Bastardette Jenna Jameson to have slipped out from under the satin sheets of her porn palace bedroom to endorse 'Mittens' Romney and his presidential bid!
http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/opinion-la/la-ol-jenna-jameson-goes-republican-20120803,0,2605130.story
While it is certainly true that most red-blooded True Poor Bastards surely respect Ms. Jameson's theatrical talents and breast-augmentation surgery, it is clearly obvious that intellectual discourse has never been one of her strong points.
Meanwhile, Mittens was reported to be delighted with the news that his floundering and pathetic bid for the presidency had received Jameson's meaningless endorsement - even more so than the equally spurious nod from Camp Brain-Fart, where Grizzled Poor Bastard Clint Eastwood, that waxy, rawhide-skinned relic from the bygone era of bad TV acting and even worse movie scripts, has also thrown in the good word for Mittens & Company. Proving once and for all that Eastwood has outlived his own brain!
When asked her opinion of the somewhat dubious endorsement from Jameson, Mrs. Mittens reportedly replied,
"...Mittens and I have always enjoyed going to the movies and Mittens does have a fondness for pretty leading ladies, even if they do look like a figure from a wax museum and have breasts that look like they were molded out of plastic!"
Now that Romney and his supporters clearly have a celebrity brain-trust of such Titanic Poor Bastard proportions squarely in the corner, one can only imagine how Barack O-blah-blah-bama and his team must be quaking in their Presidential Poor Bastard loafers, while at the same time trying to keep from laughing their asses off at the absurdity of a self-proclaimed, holier-than-thou Bumbling Poor Bastard presidential candidate of the Mormon faith being endorsed by one the most legendary Copulation Queens of all-time, who, according to her own Wikipedia page, has 161 porn film "credits" to show for her acrobatic, silicone-enhanced career!
The Grand Poo Ba isn't so sure the word "credits" is really the appropriate term but that's an entirely different subject.
When asked about the incident Jameson reportedly responded, "I have always been told to suck, not blow, and now I guess I know why!"
Lending a truly new meaning to the phrase "dumb blonde" and proving yet again that Poor Bastard Comedian Ron White's observation that "you can't fix stupid" is as true as ever!
Monday, May 28, 2012
Donald Trump Named World's First "Bloviating Poor Bastard"
They say that if you make it a point to learn one new word every day you will be smarter than 95% of the population. In the case of the Garden-Variety Poor Bastard class it is probably more like 99%, but hey, why sweat the details?
At any rate, the Grand Poo Ba has to give credit where credit is due, and today's new word is one that he learned from that erstwhile conservative political pundit George Will, a Poor Bastard of Ivy League proportions, who has suddenly taken center stage in the political arena of the Kingdom of the Poor Bastard after publicly lambasting the Iconic Poor Bastard Donald-trump or monkey-Trump by referring to the Monkey-Man himself as a "bloviating ignoramus!"...
After which he observed blithely that "Donald Trump is redundant evidence that if your net worth is high enough, your IQ can be very low, and you can still intrude into American politics....."
Now for all of you Generic Poor Bastards who, like the Grand Poo Ba, didn't even know that "bloviating" was a proper word, we have asked the fact-checkers here at the editorial desk of the Poor Bastard's Gazette to look it up and find out what it does mean. As it turns out, the Merriam-Webster dictionary defines it as an intransitive verb which means;
"...To speak or write verbosely and windily."
Of course "windily' is certainly an appropriate description of the Monkey-Man and his hair, and we agree that "verbose" is a worthy adjective since virtually anything that spills out of the Trumpster's mouth is arguably more words that anyone needs to hear, but the Grand Poo Ba must confess he was unaware that there was a single word that could be used to describe the Big-Haired One any more accurately than "bloviating!"
The High Council of the Fraternal Order of the Poor Bastard was so impressed that an emergency meeting was called over the holiday weekend to confirm that a new class of Poor Bastard had been born as a result of George Will's word games.....that of Bloviating Poor Bastard, with Donald-trump or monkey-Trump being named the poster-boy for this newly anointed class of Genuine Poor Bastard!
At any rate, the Grand Poo Ba has to give credit where credit is due, and today's new word is one that he learned from that erstwhile conservative political pundit George Will, a Poor Bastard of Ivy League proportions, who has suddenly taken center stage in the political arena of the Kingdom of the Poor Bastard after publicly lambasting the Iconic Poor Bastard Donald-trump or monkey-Trump by referring to the Monkey-Man himself as a "bloviating ignoramus!"...
Now for all of you Generic Poor Bastards who, like the Grand Poo Ba, didn't even know that "bloviating" was a proper word, we have asked the fact-checkers here at the editorial desk of the Poor Bastard's Gazette to look it up and find out what it does mean. As it turns out, the Merriam-Webster dictionary defines it as an intransitive verb which means;
"...To speak or write verbosely and windily."
Of course "windily' is certainly an appropriate description of the Monkey-Man and his hair, and we agree that "verbose" is a worthy adjective since virtually anything that spills out of the Trumpster's mouth is arguably more words that anyone needs to hear, but the Grand Poo Ba must confess he was unaware that there was a single word that could be used to describe the Big-Haired One any more accurately than "bloviating!"
The High Council of the Fraternal Order of the Poor Bastard was so impressed that an emergency meeting was called over the holiday weekend to confirm that a new class of Poor Bastard had been born as a result of George Will's word games.....that of Bloviating Poor Bastard, with Donald-trump or monkey-Trump being named the poster-boy for this newly anointed class of Genuine Poor Bastard!
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard Newt Gingrich Takes A Standing Eight Count!
If you thought we were kidding when the High Council of the Fraternal Order of The Poor Bastard elevated the status of Republican presidential wanna-be Newt Gingrich to Genuine Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard, then you need to check out this amusing little story from ABC News-
http://news.yahoo.com/newt-gingrich-utah-primary-check-bounces-032418602--abc-news-politics.html
That's right folks, you heard it here first, and now it's all over the mainstream press...Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich (McPherson), being the Genuine Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard that he is, has bounced a $500 check that was issued to pay his filing fee for the Utah Republican primary, according to Mark Thomas, the Utah state election director!
Yes, it appears that The Newter has finally been neutered after it was announced that his campaign had bounced a $500 check that was issued to pay his filing fee for the Utah state Republican primary!...
Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard Newt Gingrich is seen here breaking into tears after being told that he won't be able to play Mormon presidential politics with fudge-packer Mitt Romney in the outback known as Utah!
Meanwhile in other news from the circus of idiots (otherwise known as the Republican presidential primary), Rick "who is that Dan Savage guy anyway?" Santorum has finally thrown in the towel on his presidential aspirations after being soundly trounced in one primary after another, as the Unflappable Poor Bastard, fudge-packer Mitt Romney, never wavered in his promise to rid the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard of that awful stench of fresh santorum that had been wafting through the air ever since the arrogant fool and Obnoxious Poor Bastard Rick "who is that Dan Savage guy anyway?" Santorum took to the campaign trail in his quest to become The Kingdom's next exalted leader!
For those of you who haven't been following along, the sniglet* "santorum" was coined by syndicated columnist and gay rights activist Dan Savage several years ago in an attempt to bring embarrassment and public humiliation to the ultra right-wing whacko-balls ex-senator from Pennsylvania, due to his belligerent intolerance of gays and gay rights issues.
After launching a nationwide "Google-bomb" using his syndicated sex advice column as something of a bully pulpit to bring shame and embarrassment raining down upon the Doomed Poor Bastard Rick Santorum, Savage was able to successfully associate Santorum's last name with a vile mixture of anal lube and fecal matter which can apparently be a by-product of a certain sexual act.
Not to be denied his rightful place among The Kingdom's heroic figures, presidential hopeful Mitt Romney committed himself to the unpleasant task of ridding the nation of that foul stench of fresh santorum, which seems to linger in the air long after the Foul Bastard from Pennsylvania has come and gone!
Presidential hopeful and Silver-Tongued Poor Bastard "fudge-packer" Mitt Romney is seen here strapping on the heavy equipment as he sets about to clean up another smoldering pile of fresh santorum found along the campaign trail....
*Sniglet - a word that isn't in the dictionary but should be.
http://news.yahoo.com/newt-gingrich-utah-primary-check-bounces-032418602--abc-news-politics.html
That's right folks, you heard it here first, and now it's all over the mainstream press...Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich (McPherson), being the Genuine Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard that he is, has bounced a $500 check that was issued to pay his filing fee for the Utah Republican primary, according to Mark Thomas, the Utah state election director!
Yes, it appears that The Newter has finally been neutered after it was announced that his campaign had bounced a $500 check that was issued to pay his filing fee for the Utah state Republican primary!...
Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard Newt Gingrich is seen here breaking into tears after being told that he won't be able to play Mormon presidential politics with fudge-packer Mitt Romney in the outback known as Utah!Meanwhile in other news from the circus of idiots (otherwise known as the Republican presidential primary), Rick "who is that Dan Savage guy anyway?" Santorum has finally thrown in the towel on his presidential aspirations after being soundly trounced in one primary after another, as the Unflappable Poor Bastard, fudge-packer Mitt Romney, never wavered in his promise to rid the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard of that awful stench of fresh santorum that had been wafting through the air ever since the arrogant fool and Obnoxious Poor Bastard Rick "who is that Dan Savage guy anyway?" Santorum took to the campaign trail in his quest to become The Kingdom's next exalted leader!
For those of you who haven't been following along, the sniglet* "santorum" was coined by syndicated columnist and gay rights activist Dan Savage several years ago in an attempt to bring embarrassment and public humiliation to the ultra right-wing whacko-balls ex-senator from Pennsylvania, due to his belligerent intolerance of gays and gay rights issues.
After launching a nationwide "Google-bomb" using his syndicated sex advice column as something of a bully pulpit to bring shame and embarrassment raining down upon the Doomed Poor Bastard Rick Santorum, Savage was able to successfully associate Santorum's last name with a vile mixture of anal lube and fecal matter which can apparently be a by-product of a certain sexual act.
Not to be denied his rightful place among The Kingdom's heroic figures, presidential hopeful Mitt Romney committed himself to the unpleasant task of ridding the nation of that foul stench of fresh santorum, which seems to linger in the air long after the Foul Bastard from Pennsylvania has come and gone!
*Sniglet - a word that isn't in the dictionary but should be.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Peach State Crackers Run Amuck At Savannah Gun Show As The Newter's Fiscal Disaster Continues To Grow!
The Grand Poo Ba is fresh off the campaign trail, where word of the Newter's ongoing financial woes continues to mount after this story from the Washington Post hit the wire service Saturday morning-
http://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/gingrich-health-care-think-tank-files-for-bankruptcy-protection/2012/04/05/gIQAvgy2xS_story.html?tid=pm_politics_pop
As the details begin to emerge about the Newter's latest fiscal disaster, Inquiring Poor Bastards throughout The Kingdom are already asking, "What do the word "think" and Newt Gingrich have in common"? And the answer is, apparently not a lot....at least when it comes to thinking about how in the hell your "think tank" is going to pay the damned rent!
Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich (McPherson) is seen here refusing to remove his royal head-wear after being told repeatedly that he is NOT going to be allowed to become the first Monarch of the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard!
Regular readers of The Poor Bastard's Gazette are already aware of Newt-what do you mean I can't be King?-Gingrich's money troubles, after it was reported in last week's post that the wanna-be King of The Poor Bastards had resorted to selling photo ops to his campaign faithful for fifty bucks a crack in an attempt to bolster the war chest for his sputtering Republican presidential campaign.
Not to be intimidated by a lack of financial firepower, the Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard Newt Gingrich and his prodigious ego continued to forge ahead in an effort to achieve what all True Poor Bastards inherently know is their goal in life....public humiliation and embarrassment due to their stifling ignorance and unabashed hubris!
Meanwhile, back in The Newter's adopted home state of Georgia, the guards have apparently let the lunatics out of the asylum once again, as this report from Atlanta Business Chronicle confirms-
http://www.bizjournals.com/atlanta/morning_call/2012/04/man-leaving-savannah-gun-show-shoots.html?ana=RSS&s=article_search
That's right, folks. Twenty-five-year-old Poor Bastard William Penfield of Hinesville, GA reportedly shot himself in the leg after leaving a gun show in downtown Savannah, GA this past Sunday...Adding a sarcastic twist of humor to this otherwise pathetic display of Genuine Poor Bastard behavior is that this is apparently the second such incident to occur at a Savannah gun show in the last two months, after 26 year-old Rank & File Poor Bastard Charles Lake of Rincon, GA reportedly shot himself in the leg as he was leaving a gun show at the Savannah Civic Center on February 5 of 2012!
Since there is obviously no accounting for the brazen stupidity of the Poor Bastard crackers in the Peach State, we will leave this one to the local constabulary to sort out after posing the rhetorical question-
Do you think they might want to reevaluate their gun-totin' policy down there in the Peach State?
http://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/gingrich-health-care-think-tank-files-for-bankruptcy-protection/2012/04/05/gIQAvgy2xS_story.html?tid=pm_politics_pop
As the details begin to emerge about the Newter's latest fiscal disaster, Inquiring Poor Bastards throughout The Kingdom are already asking, "What do the word "think" and Newt Gingrich have in common"? And the answer is, apparently not a lot....at least when it comes to thinking about how in the hell your "think tank" is going to pay the damned rent!
Regular readers of The Poor Bastard's Gazette are already aware of Newt-what do you mean I can't be King?-Gingrich's money troubles, after it was reported in last week's post that the wanna-be King of The Poor Bastards had resorted to selling photo ops to his campaign faithful for fifty bucks a crack in an attempt to bolster the war chest for his sputtering Republican presidential campaign.
Not to be intimidated by a lack of financial firepower, the Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard Newt Gingrich and his prodigious ego continued to forge ahead in an effort to achieve what all True Poor Bastards inherently know is their goal in life....public humiliation and embarrassment due to their stifling ignorance and unabashed hubris!
Meanwhile, back in The Newter's adopted home state of Georgia, the guards have apparently let the lunatics out of the asylum once again, as this report from Atlanta Business Chronicle confirms-
http://www.bizjournals.com/atlanta/morning_call/2012/04/man-leaving-savannah-gun-show-shoots.html?ana=RSS&s=article_search
That's right, folks. Twenty-five-year-old Poor Bastard William Penfield of Hinesville, GA reportedly shot himself in the leg after leaving a gun show in downtown Savannah, GA this past Sunday...Adding a sarcastic twist of humor to this otherwise pathetic display of Genuine Poor Bastard behavior is that this is apparently the second such incident to occur at a Savannah gun show in the last two months, after 26 year-old Rank & File Poor Bastard Charles Lake of Rincon, GA reportedly shot himself in the leg as he was leaving a gun show at the Savannah Civic Center on February 5 of 2012!
Since there is obviously no accounting for the brazen stupidity of the Poor Bastard crackers in the Peach State, we will leave this one to the local constabulary to sort out after posing the rhetorical question-
Do you think they might want to reevaluate their gun-totin' policy down there in the Peach State?
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
The Man Who Would Be King Instead Becomes A Public Embarrassment For Republican Party
It seems like only yesterday that any time a right-wing, reactionary greaseball Poor Bastard crawled out from under the nearest rock and declared they were a Republican candidate for president, the cash would pour in like rainwater through the roof of a Poor Bastard's 1978 single-wide trailer; or like moonshine out of a well-hidden Poor Bastard's still; or like pictures of naked Poor Bastard congressmen on the internet; or like.....well, you get the idea!
But these days things are quite different, it seems, as evidenced by the breaking story that Royal Poor Bastard Newt - "what do you mean I can't be King?" - Gingrich has resorted to selling photo ops to his supporters as he makes his way down the fading presidential campaign trail to Never-Never Land!
Yep! That's right folks...The Newter is flat broke, out of cash!
In other words, a Genuine Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard!
The Newter, seen here reacting to the news that the High Council of the Fraternal Order of The Poor Bastard had just elevated his status to that of a Genuine Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard!
According to this story from the National Journal, The Newter really has been neutered due to a lack of campaign cash. As a result, campaign strategists are now offering supporters the opportunity to have their picture taken in the company of the Bloated Poor Bastard (who you have to admit has taken on a striking resemblance to the late Iconic Poor Bastard Ted Kennedy) for a mere fifty bucks!
http://news.yahoo.com/gingrich-begins-charging-50-photos-events-211722126.html
Yep!...Half a C-note will get you an heirloom that the patriotic Rank & Foul Poor Bastard family can proudly display on the living room wall of their new double-wide!
Now I know what all of you Inquiring Poor Bastards are probably thinking...and it's the same question the Grand Poo Ba just has to set forth for the court of public opinion to ponder...
"You mean to tell me that Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich (McPherson) has become so desperate for cash that he is selling his infamous mugshot for less than the cost of a couple of "Boomsticks" and a bag of cheese-doodles at a Texas Rangers baseball game?"
Hard to believe, but you just can't make this stuff up!
I know it must be heartbreaking for the dozens of supporters that The Newter no doubt has throughout the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard. But as we all know far too well, times are tough and ready cash is a hot commodity that is in short supply for many Poor Bastards...As it appears is the case with one of The Kingdom's exalted icons of pompous arrogance and vitriolic hubris......Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich (McPherson)!
The Newter is seen here reacting to the news that campaign staffers are having a hard time peddling photo ops with the Bloated Poor Bastard for a measly fifty bucks!
In honor of all the hard work and sacrifice The Newter has endured in his efforts to become leader of the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard, the High Council of the Fraternal Order of The Poor Bastard has decided to name a sniglet* after Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich (McPherson)...This rarefied and distinguished honor means that forever more a pimple on the end of the nose - such as the one seen here - will be known to Poor Bastards throughout The Realm as a "Gingrich!"
* For those Poor Bastards who haven't been following along, a "sniglet" is the term for a word that isn't in the dictionary but should be.
But these days things are quite different, it seems, as evidenced by the breaking story that Royal Poor Bastard Newt - "what do you mean I can't be King?" - Gingrich has resorted to selling photo ops to his supporters as he makes his way down the fading presidential campaign trail to Never-Never Land!
Yep! That's right folks...The Newter is flat broke, out of cash!
In other words, a Genuine Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard!
According to this story from the National Journal, The Newter really has been neutered due to a lack of campaign cash. As a result, campaign strategists are now offering supporters the opportunity to have their picture taken in the company of the Bloated Poor Bastard (who you have to admit has taken on a striking resemblance to the late Iconic Poor Bastard Ted Kennedy) for a mere fifty bucks!
http://news.yahoo.com/gingrich-begins-charging-50-photos-events-211722126.html
Yep!...Half a C-note will get you an heirloom that the patriotic Rank & Foul Poor Bastard family can proudly display on the living room wall of their new double-wide!
Now I know what all of you Inquiring Poor Bastards are probably thinking...and it's the same question the Grand Poo Ba just has to set forth for the court of public opinion to ponder...
"You mean to tell me that Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich (McPherson) has become so desperate for cash that he is selling his infamous mugshot for less than the cost of a couple of "Boomsticks" and a bag of cheese-doodles at a Texas Rangers baseball game?"
Hard to believe, but you just can't make this stuff up!
I know it must be heartbreaking for the dozens of supporters that The Newter no doubt has throughout the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard. But as we all know far too well, times are tough and ready cash is a hot commodity that is in short supply for many Poor Bastards...As it appears is the case with one of The Kingdom's exalted icons of pompous arrogance and vitriolic hubris......Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich (McPherson)!
* For those Poor Bastards who haven't been following along, a "sniglet" is the term for a word that isn't in the dictionary but should be.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)