Here We Go Again!

Those of you Poor Bastards who may have been pleased (or relieved) with the results of Tuesday's presidential election, but would otherwise prefer to crawl back under a rock and ignore political reality for another four years, may want to reconsider apathy as a strategy of change, after you see what the Bush clan is preparing to unleash:

http://news.yahoo.com/next-bush-makes-campaign-filing-texas-041025927.html

Young Jeb Jr. here should not be taken lightly, as he is no bumbling idiot like that Titanic Poor Bastard Mittens Romney or the Pathetic Poor Bastard John McCain...

No, the Jebster's boy is a highly polished Aristocratic Poor Bastard and well trained emperor-in-training, who has been schooled at the feet of America's last surviving political dynasty.

His Hispanic heritage has been carefully crafted and is clearly poised to exploit the shifting voter demographic that was on display last Tuesday when the Hispanic vote turned Florida from red to blue!

Boy George's strategists appear to be planning an assault on the state of Texas and its sizable (and growing) Hispanic population. He is spit-shined and ready to make his entrance onto the political stage. If he is successful, America could be faced with another presidential disaster just about the time we finally get the mess cleaned up that his Presidential Poor Bastard Uncle George left us with!

So it's time to get busy down there in Texas and nip this thing in the bud before another national embarrassment emerges from the Great State!

The Grand Poo Ba's View of Government Finance

All right, here it is folks....the Grand Poo Ba is going to lay down the nitty-gritty truth about the federal budget deficit.

http://news.yahoo.com/where-did-mammoth-us-budget-deficits-come-211927495.html

If we choose to believe the data contained in this article we can draw some very clear, crisp conclusions about how the U.S. wound up in the fiscal mess it is in at the moment. Let's review:

1) 1/4 of the deficit is due to the federal budget hawks' flawed projections about how much revenue would be collected over an unspecified period of time. In short, they thought they would collect more tax revenues than they did because the economy did not grow as much as they were anticipating. However, spending projections were based on the revenue projections and the government went ahead and spent money they never received...

This is the equivalent of a Poor Bastard who plans to take a vacation because he thinks he will earn enough money to afford it and when he doesn't earn enough money to take the kids to Disneyland, he goes ahead with his vacation plans and charges the entire trip on his Visa card!

2) 1/4 of the deficit is due directly to the reduction in federal revenues which have resulted from tax cuts beginning with the Bush tax cuts, which largely benefited the very wealthy, but the Middle Class tax cut engineered by Obama as a stimulus measure also contributed to this funding shortfall....

This is known as plain old-fashioned stupidity. It's kind of like a Poor Bastard who goes to his boss and says, "You know, bossman, I don't think I need all the money you are paying me and, in fact, I think I could manage with even less than you are paying me, so why don't you just reduce my pay by 15%?"

3) The remaining 50% of the federal deficit is due to overspending; or to look at it another way, UNDER-estimating the true cost of various programs that are paid for with federal dollars. In the context of the average Poor Bastard and their household finances, this is referred to simply as "bad budgeting skills."

In the context of government officials, who are entrusted by the public to do a job and do it correctly (kind of like all the Poor Bastards are expected to do every day they show up at the rock-pile) this is known as "professional incompetence."

Here We Go Again.......

Quick!...Somebody pull the air-hose out of her ass or Poor Bastardette Sally Struthers is going to explode!

Grand Old Poor Bastard Party Anoints New King!

The genuine passion that all Political Poor Bastards have for telling a really big, juicy lie has no greater champion than the newly anointed (The Wall Street Journal's choice of words, not the Grand Poo Ba's) leader of the Republican Party, Mitt - I'm a religious man - Romney...endearingly known to family and close friends as "Mittens"...

...Otherwise known the great unwashed mass of Poor Bastard humanity as Mitt Robme!

 

http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/greed-and-debt-the-true-story-of-mitt-romney-and-bain-capital-20120829?print=true 

Porn Superstar Jenna Jameson Endorses Mittens' Presidential Bid!

Once again it is that time which occurs every 4th year when Poor Bastards and Poor Bastardettes from the world of Hollywood's Illiterati crawl out from under their rocks and start chiming in with their opinion of who they plan to vote for in the presidential election.

And while it may be possible that stranger things have happened somewhere in The Kingdom of the Poor Bastard while the Grand Poo Ba has been away, it's hard to imagine anything that could be more perfect than for superstar porn actress and Genuine Poor Bastardette Jenna Jameson to have slipped out from under the satin sheets of her porn palace bedroom to endorse 'Mittens' Romney and his presidential bid!

http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/opinion-la/la-ol-jenna-jameson-goes-republican-20120803,0,2605130.story

While it is certainly true that most red-blooded True Poor Bastards surely respect Ms. Jameson's theatrical talents and breast-augmentation surgery, it is clearly obvious that intellectual discourse has never been one of her strong points.

Meanwhile, Mittens was reported to be delighted with the news that his floundering and pathetic bid for the presidency had received Jameson's meaningless endorsement - even more so than the equally spurious nod from Camp Brain-Fart, where Grizzled Poor Bastard Clint Eastwood, that waxy, rawhide-skinned relic from the bygone era of bad TV acting and even worse movie scripts, has also thrown in the good word for Mittens & Company. Proving once and for all that Eastwood has outlived his own brain!

When asked her opinion of the somewhat dubious endorsement from Jameson, Mrs. Mittens reportedly replied,   

"...Mittens and I have always enjoyed going to the movies and Mittens does have a fondness for pretty leading ladies, even if they do look like a figure from a wax museum and have breasts that look like they were molded out of plastic!"

Now that Romney and his supporters clearly have a celebrity brain-trust of such Titanic Poor Bastard proportions squarely in the corner, one can only imagine how Barack O-blah-blah-bama and his team must be quaking in their Presidential Poor Bastard loafers, while at the same time trying to keep from laughing their asses off at the absurdity of a self-proclaimed, holier-than-thou Bumbling Poor Bastard presidential candidate of the Mormon faith being endorsed by one the most legendary Copulation Queens of all-time, who, according to her own Wikipedia page, has 161 porn film "credits" to show for her acrobatic, silicone-enhanced career!

The Grand Poo Ba isn't so sure the word "credits" is really the appropriate term but that's an entirely different subject.

Pictured at left Poor Bastardette Jenna Jameson, who according to prosecutors, was arrested in May of 2012 for drunk driving in Orange County, CA after crashing her Range Rover SUV into a light pole and then failing the roadside booze-o-meter test by blowing a .08!...Upon arrest she was also found to be driving without a valid driver's license!


When asked about the incident Jameson reportedly responded, "I have always been told to suck, not blow, and now I guess I know why!"

Lending a truly new meaning to the phrase "dumb blonde" and proving yet again that Poor Bastard Comedian Ron White's observation that "you can't fix stupid" is as true as ever!

Donald Trump Named World's First "Bloviating Poor Bastard"

They say that if you make it a point to learn one new word every day you will be smarter than 95% of the population. In the case of the Garden-Variety Poor Bastard class it is probably more like 99%, but hey, why sweat the details?

At any rate, the Grand Poo Ba has to give credit where credit is due, and today's new word is one that he learned from that erstwhile conservative political pundit George Will, a Poor Bastard of Ivy League proportions, who has suddenly taken center stage in the political arena of the Kingdom of the Poor Bastard after publicly lambasting the Iconic Poor Bastard Donald-trump or monkey-Trump by referring to the Monkey-Man himself as a "bloviating ignoramus!"...

 After which he observed blithely that "Donald Trump is redundant evidence that if your net worth is high enough, your IQ can be very low, and you can still intrude into American politics....."






Now for all of you Generic Poor Bastards who, like the Grand Poo Ba, didn't even know that "bloviating" was a proper word, we have asked the fact-checkers here at the editorial desk of the Poor Bastard's Gazette to look it up and find out what it does mean. As it turns out, the Merriam-Webster dictionary defines it as an intransitive verb which means; 


"...To speak or write verbosely and windily."

Of course "windily' is certainly an appropriate description of the Monkey-Man and his hair, and we agree that "verbose" is a worthy adjective since virtually anything that spills out of the Trumpster's mouth is arguably more words that anyone needs to hear, but the Grand Poo Ba must confess he was unaware that there was a single word that could be used to describe the Big-Haired One any more accurately than "bloviating!"

The High Council of the Fraternal Order of the Poor Bastard was so impressed that an emergency meeting was called over the holiday weekend to confirm that a new class of Poor Bastard had been born as a result of George Will's word games.....that of Bloviating Poor Bastard, with Donald-trump or monkey-Trump being named the poster-boy for this newly anointed class of Genuine Poor Bastard!

Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard Newt Gingrich Takes A Standing Eight Count!

If you thought we were kidding when the High Council of the Fraternal Order of The Poor Bastard elevated the status of Republican presidential wanna-be Newt Gingrich to Genuine Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard, then you need to check out this amusing little story from ABC News-

http://news.yahoo.com/newt-gingrich-utah-primary-check-bounces-032418602--abc-news-politics.html

That's right folks, you heard it here first, and now it's all over the mainstream press...Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich (McPherson), being the Genuine Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard that he is, has bounced a $500 check that was issued to pay his filing fee for the Utah Republican primary, according to Mark Thomas, the Utah state election director!

Yes, it appears that The Newter has finally been neutered after it was announced that his campaign had bounced a $500 check that was issued to pay his filing fee for the Utah state Republican primary!...

Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard Newt Gingrich is seen here breaking into tears after being told that he won't be able to play Mormon presidential politics with fudge-packer Mitt Romney in the outback known as Utah!






Meanwhile in other news from the circus of idiots (otherwise known as the Republican presidential primary), Rick "who is that Dan Savage guy anyway?" Santorum has finally thrown in the towel on his presidential aspirations after being soundly trounced in one primary after another, as the Unflappable Poor Bastard,  fudge-packer Mitt Romney, never wavered in his promise to rid the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard of that awful stench of fresh santorum that had been wafting through the air ever since the arrogant fool and Obnoxious Poor Bastard Rick "who is that Dan Savage guy anyway?" Santorum took to the campaign trail in his quest to become The Kingdom's next exalted leader!

For those of you who haven't been following along, the sniglet* "santorum" was coined by syndicated columnist and gay rights activist Dan Savage several years ago in an attempt to bring embarrassment and public humiliation to the ultra right-wing whacko-balls ex-senator from Pennsylvania, due to his belligerent intolerance of gays and gay rights issues.

After launching a nationwide "Google-bomb" using his syndicated sex advice column as something of a bully pulpit to bring shame and embarrassment raining down upon the Doomed Poor Bastard Rick Santorum, Savage was able to successfully associate Santorum's last name with a vile mixture of anal lube and fecal matter which can apparently be a by-product of a certain sexual act.

Not to be denied his rightful place among The Kingdom's heroic figures, presidential hopeful Mitt Romney committed himself to the unpleasant task of ridding the nation of that foul stench of fresh santorum, which seems to linger in the air long after the Foul Bastard from Pennsylvania has come and gone!

Presidential hopeful and Silver-Tongued Poor Bastard "fudge-packer" Mitt Romney is seen here strapping on the heavy equipment as he sets about to clean up another smoldering pile of fresh santorum found along the campaign trail....








*Sniglet -  a word that isn't in the dictionary but should be.