Notable Poor Bastards & Other Ramblings....

After a few days at the rock pile and away from the command center, the Grand Poo Ba has returned to the never-ending stream of Poor Bastard Tales of Woe which seem to dominate the news these days....A brief scan of headlines from the last week confirms that many of the high profile Poor Bastards we have been featuring here at The Poor Bastard's Gazette over the last couple of months are indeed getting restless.

The list of usual suspects hasn't changed much, although we do have any number of new and amusing stories from the Kingdom of the Poor Bastard which might be considered worthy of note. But, before we get started a Poor Bastard Story Recap seems to be in order...

Wiener-gate: Our favorite True Poor Bastard congressional hero Anthony Weiner (D) NY, just can't seem to get a grip on his wiener troubles...when we last visited this calamity the NY congressman was headed off to wiener rehab in an effort to get his meat-tweetering obsession  under control.

In the meantime a new character has entered the story, in the form of porn actress Ginger Lee, the star of such notable film classics as Stuffin' Young Muffins 5 and Swallow My Pride 9...Inquiring Poor Bastards no doubt wondering, "wouldn't eight sequels be enough?"









Ms. Lee, it seems, has decided a tell-all role is in order; and she is apparently just the person to do it! So while the congressman is away at the funny farm struggling with his out of control wiener, Ms. Lee is going to fill the rest of us Poor Bastards in on just what a sordid tale of woe this particular Poor Bastard Story has been.....

Here at The Gazette's editorial department we can hardly wait!...Sounds like the congressman may be swallowing some of his own pride before it's over!

Charlie Sheen: They say you can't keep a good man down for long and we all know that you damned sure can't keep Ultimate Poor Bastard Charlie Sheen out of the limelight for very long at all.

Charlie, as we are sure everyone knows, is that Ultimate Poor Bastard from the world of glitterati who set out a few months back to destroy a highly lucrative television career that was, at the time, paying him $26 MILLION a year for starring in a half hour weekly TV sitcom.

After successfully managing to do just that, the Ultimate Poor Bastard then set about to destroy his own public image and ruin any chance he ever had of returning to the once obscenely lucrative field of stewing garbage known as "network television."

In his quest to publicly demonstrate that he was, in fact, completely insane - as shown here - Charlie announced that he was embarking on a nationwide concert tour shortly after he had been summarily dismissed as the star of his own TV show.

So with the $26 MIL now flushed down the drain, Ultimate Poor Bastard Charlie launches his "tour" in Detroit, MI; which, as one follower of The Gazette has pointed out, may be the biggest Poor Bastard city in The Kingdom. Proof of which may have been in evidence when Charlie was booed off the stage on opening night by a crowd full of Motor City Poor Bastards; proving once and for all that it takes one to know one....

As if Charlie's Poor Bastard Tale of Woe needed any more drama, we also hear that with the $2 MILLION a month paycheck gone, Charlie has decided to put his $7 MILLION Hollywood mansion on the market....Of course this move may have been prompted by the announcement that at least one of the Poor Bastard's teen-age, porn-star girlfriends was dumping the maniacal Sheen to go in search of a financially prosperous and sane wiener.

Now with all this chaos going on around him, Inquiring Poor Bastards might think that this Ultimate Poor Bastard would hardly have the time to file a $100 MILLION lawsuit against his former employers....

But if that's what you thought, you would be WRONG!...Because that's exactly what this Ultimate Poor Bastard did; apparently feeling as if it was somehow Warner Brothers fault that he had lost his $26 Million a year gig!....

However, the ruling last Wednesday by Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Alan Goodman that the case must be settled in arbitration is a strong indication that the Court doesn't share Charlie's view on the matter.

No doubt equally disturbing for the Ultimate Poor Bastard  is that the recent ruling will minimize the opportunity for Sheen to use the media circus that would surround a full-blown trial as a stage for his self-induced media spectacle.

Meanwhile Charlie, who now claims to be a clean and sober Poor Bastard, is continuing to look more and more like a haggard cocaine addict every time he appears in public....With his daily cigarette consumption now reported to be in excess of 4 packs a day, Charlie may have to take a part-time job as a convenience store clerk if he loses his case in arbitration, in order to support his nicotine Jones!

Trump or Monkey: If it takes one to know one then surely the True Poor Bastard Donald - Trump-or-Monkey - Trump, must be able to sense a monkey and a Poor Bastard from a thousand miles away... And apparently that's exactly what he sniffed out the other night when the Republican Party launched its 2012 presidential campaign with a display of intellectual incompetence involving the current group of monkeys who have decided to take a shot at the republican presidential nomination in 2012.

 True Poor Bastard Donald Trump is seen here displaying the executive leadership skills required to become a titan of industry....they don't call him Smooth Donnie for nothing...

Trump, who had first announced he was a presidential candidate, and then announced his early withdrawal after the non-stop ribbing about his ridiculously buffoonish hairdo turned out to be more than the Poor Bastard could stand, is now sniffing around the litter box for a renewed chance at presidential immortality.


From a practical standpoint the Grand Poo Ba can see how someone like the Trumpster might feel the time was right for a fresh turd to shine against the backdrop of vacuous incompetence represented by the likes of Newt Gingrich, Michelle Bachmann, Mit Romney, Herman Cain and Tim Pawlenty. (The editorial board at The Gazette doesn't recognize Poor Bastard Ron Paul as a candidate because he doesn't recognize the very government that he claims to want to represent....making him the ultimate hypocrite)

Here at The Gazette, we don't have much of an opinion one way or another about any political candidate as we just assume they are all Poor Bastards and regardless of who is elected, they will ultimately prove to be useful cannon fodder for the entertainment of the rest of us Poor Bastards throughout the Kingdom....

Be that as it may, it now appears that True Poor Bastard Trump may, in fact, be seriously considering reentering the republican presidential race....

To which we say "come on in Donnie, the water's fine!"

So with the Poor Bastard Recap behind us we now move on to the breaking Poor Bastard Story for today which, for a change of pace, involves a good old-fashioned Poor Bastard of the Garden-Variety type in the form of Professor Tihomir Petrov...

Petrov, a California State University, Northridge, mathematics professor, who holds a Ph.D from New York University, was allegedly caught red-handed (so to speak) taking a whiz on the office door of an academic colleague, on a number of occasions back in January of this year....

The Piss-Poor Bastard  made the KTLA 6:00 PM news reel in Los Angeles again yesterday when he failed to appear in court for arraignment on the charge of urinating in a public place.




When asked about his clients' whereabouts Petrov's attorney indicated that he did not know where his client was, but admonished the gallery to refrain from passing judgment on his client until all the evidence had been gathered and analyzed!.......

All-righty then.....

Piss-Poor Bastard Pee-trov, who did appear in court back in March to enter a not guilty plea, apparently indicated at the time that he was concerned about how the incident would affect his career and professional reputation.......Huh?

We don't know what kind of Ph.D. program they run up there at New York University but here's the way it works in the rest of The Kingdom Dr. Pee-trov.......

Piss on your colleague's office door, not once, but numerous times; and make sure to get the whole incident captured on video surveillance tape and every last Poor Bastard  throughout the Kingdom of the Poor Bastard  is going to hear every last detail....as often as the story can be told!

How that's going to affect your career in academia?

We don't know for certain....but chances are it is not what Dale Carnegie might call a career advancement move...

You can't make this stuff up.....!