Yesterday the Grand Poo Ba was at the command station here at the Poor Bastard World Headquarters until late into the night as the Poor Bastard Tales just kept rolling across the wire and then when he settles in this morning he finds a bevy of new Tales of Woe from around the Kingdom of the Poor Bastard!
At first he thought maybe it would be a good day for a quick summary of some of the more recent and notable Poor Bastard Tales, but then he landed on a real doozy involving a Poor Bastard Daisy Chain that includes the 89 year old crackpot and Poor Bastard Man of God Harold Camping, who had been preaching to his flock for the last ten years that the world would come to an end precisely on May 21, 2011....
But before we get to that Poor Bastard Tale, let's review a handful of the more notable events of the last 24 hours from around the Kingdom.
No More War on Drugs - The Reuters news agency is reporting that a "high-level international commission" known as The Global Commission on Drug Policy, has determined that the "global war on drugs" has been a failure. Now for those of you Poor Bastards who are too young to remember, the "war on drugs" was the brain-child of one of the most Notable, High-Level, Original, Presidential Poor Bastard's in the history of all things Poor Bastard....Richard Milhouse Nixon!....
So, one might expect that a program conceived by one of the most Iconic Poor Bastards in history would eventually be deemed a complete failure; but that's not what makes this story such a great Poor Bastard Tale...
No, what makes this story worthy of mention, here in The Gazette, is the fact that this so called "high-level international commission", comprised of some of the most Notable Poor Bastards in the Kingdom, is just now getting around to figuring out that the "war on drugs" is a failure! While the other five or six BILLION citizens of the Global Kingdom of the Poor Bastard have been well aware of this fact for decades!
No foolin' folks.....these are the people we elect to run the Kingdom!.....
Any questions?
Note to Poor Bastards: No Swimming Allowed - The next tale involves a 51 year-old Canadian Poor Bastardette who plunged to her death after being swept over the top of Niagara Falls. Witnesses reported seeing the woman go over the falls after she appeared to be swimming in the river above the famed Horseshoe Falls on the Niagara River.
The Niagara Falls Regional Police are reporting that the woman did not appear to be struggling in the water prior to her unfortunate demise and there does not appear to be any evidence of foul play. Employees on the famous Maid of the Mist tour boat fished the Poor Bastardette's body out of the water after she had fallen to her death.....
Time for a Poor Bastard Reset here-
River in Canada = COLD F-ing water!
Niagara Falls = COLD F-ing water & DANGEROUS place to swim!
Woman swimming in COLD, DANGEROUS F-ing water = Dumb-F-k Poor Bastardette!
Any questions?
The Poor Bastard Daisy-Chain - Today's big story from among the many Poor Bastard Tales of Woe concerns the Man of God and Genuine Crack-Pot Poor Bastard Harold Camping, and the recent demise of one of Harold's faithful...a Queens, NY Poor Bastardette by the name of Doris Schmitt.
The story is known as a Poor Bastard Daisy-Chain because it involves at least three Poor Bastards, whose lives end up being impacted by the actions (or inaction) of one or more of the other Poor Bastards involved; often times without the other parties to this cluster-f-k of madness having any idea that they are screwing up some other Poor Bastard's life!
And the story of Harold Camping, Doris Schmitt and Poor Bastardette #3 is just such a Poor Bastard's Tale of Woe!
Poor Bastardette #3 is a woman by the name of Eileen Heuwetter, whose aunt, Doris Schmitt is Poor Bastardette #2 in our Poor Bastard Daisy-Chain.
Now for those of you who may not have been following the trials and tribulations of Poor Bastard #1, Harold Camping, Harold is a radio preacher-man who has been struggling with the routine complications in life that come when you are a Man of God and Crack-Pot Poor Bastard who has been trying for the last ten years to predict the exact date of the end of the world.
But before we go and write off this Man of God as nothing more than an 89 year-old Antiquated Poor Bastard who is suffering from old-timers disease, you should know that Harold is the president and general manager of an organization called Family Stations, Inc...which is a non-profit corporation the purpose of which is to spread the Christian Gospel throughout the Kingdom using its non-stop AM radio broadcast known as "Family Radio"....And according to information obtained from the IRS, Family Stations, Inc. was the recipient of over $18 MILLION in donations in 2009 alone!
So, our Man of God and his worthy crusade to save the Kingdom of the Poor Bastard from its heathen self are a well-oiled group, with the necessary war chest of funds to vanquish the devil-influence within Poor Bastards throughout the Kingdom. And they use the AM radio broadcast media as a forum to preach apocalyptic, fire and brimstone-style doomsday Christianity to faithful followers and Skeptical Poor Bastards among us...one of whom just so happened to be the ever-faithful Poor Bastardette #2, Doris Schmitt!
And after decades of listening to all of his own apocalyptic rhetoric, Harold it seems, had decided back in 2002 that the world, as it is known to all manner of Poor Bastards, was going to come to an end precisely on May 21, 2011....and this is what our Man of God had been trying to convince his faithful believers was going to happen for the last ten years!
Enter one Doris Schmitt, Poor Bastardette #2. Doris it turns out, was an aging shut-in who, according to Poor Bastardette #3, Eileen Heuwetter, had lived a "tough life" struggling with alcoholism, and the loss of two children to the Poor Bastards Disease known as drug addiction; before she herself was finally called home to meet her maker on May 2, 2010, never living to see the day when all of the Good Lord's heathen masses were due to be called home all at once; at least according to Doris's savior, exalted leader and Crack-Pot Poor Bastard #1, Harold Camping.
So after all this we arrive at the doorstep of Poor Bastardette #3, Eileen Heuwetter, Poor Bastardette #2's niece and executor of the her aunt Doris's estate....
Now I know most Poor Bastards are sitting there wondering what kind of an estate would poor aunt Doris have in the first place? After all didn't she live a "tough life" struggling with the alcohol and her children's narcotic abuse?...
Well, yes; at least according to the story. But be that as it may, it seems aunt Doris, at least in a financial sense, wasn't a Poor Bastardette at all. Quite the contrary it turns out she was sitting on a nice little nest-egg of somewhere around $300,000 when she finally got the Big Invitation to come on up!
Hallelujah!...Praise the Lord!
Our story might have ended there as nothing more than a tale of little significance were it not for our Man of God and Crack-Pot Poor Bastard #1 Harold Camping who as it turns out, aunt Doris had been sitting around listening to on the radio "day and night" for the last ten or fifteen years of her life, while he preached his frightening sermon about the apocalyptic end of the Kingdom on May 21, 2011!...
At least this is the story according to Poor Bastardette #3 Eileen Heuwetter.
And apparently Harold's message was quite convincing because he had somehow managed to convince aunt Doris that her $300,000 was going to come in mighty handy to his radio-based religious order between May 2, 2010 and May 21, 2011 when the end of the world was due to arrive....
So the end result of this pathetic Tale of Woe is that when Poor Bastardette #3 shows up to execute her duties as the executor of aunt Doris's estate, she learns that the bulk of the largess has been bequeathed to the Crack-Pot Poor Bastard Harold Camping and his "Radio Family" broadcast ministry!
Upon learning of the news, aunt Doris's extended family expressed outrage and disappointment...
In response to learning that the world wasn't actually scheduled to end on May 21, 2011, they expressed the opinion that it would have been unlikely that dear aunt Doris would have donated the bulk of her estate to Camping's ministry if she had known the world wasn't actually coming to an end on May 21, 2011...
Huh?
Crack-Pot Poor Bastard Harold Camping, for his part, has announced that the deadline for the end of the world has been extended to sometime in October of 2011. ....
Stay tuned...it doesn't get any better than this folks!
No comments:
Post a Comment