Tiger Woods: The Exalted True Poor Bastard

One of the first things the Grand Poor Bastard likes to do every morning is open up his web browser and check the Yahoo website for Poor Bastard Reports; or PBR's as we like to call them around the Poor Bastard World Headquarters.

Some days are pretty lean, while others provide a promising bounty of cannon fodder for the day's entertainment.

The general procedure is to check the headlines in the center of the page while keeping an eye on the captioned pics that scroll across above the headlines. The Trending Now box at the upper right, just below the title bar, must also be scanned as this is where many an emerging PBR storyline first appears.

Today's pickings have been pretty slim so far; although there does appear to be a Sarah Palin story in the making which, of course, the Grand Poo Ba (term of endearment referring to the Grand Poor Bastard) will be keeping a close eye on.

On a more promising note, among the Trending Now notables is the name Tiger Woods. Up to this point we have failed to mention this Exalted True Poor Bastard only because of time and space constraints; and the fact that the Grand Poo Ba, like everyone else, must also earn a living; a fact which does impinge on the amount of time he has to spend dissecting the many trials and tribulations of the Poor Bastard class.

But fear not for we are ever vigilant in maintaining a close watch on the activities of notable Poor Bastards the world over because you just never know when any one of them is going to step to the forefront and make an even greater fool out of themselves than they ever have before.

"Tiger, is that a turd or just your career going down the toilet?"

 
I realize that about now all of our faithful readers are saying to themselves, "how on earth could Tiger Woods possibly make any bigger of a fool out of himself than he already has?"...And I agree that it does seem as though it will take nothing short of a super-human effort to do so but remember, this is Tiger Woods, the Boy-Wonder of Golf.

A guy whose destiny to become a True Poor Bastard was preordained for him by an overbearing set of parents, who were absolutely determined to mold him into a freak of the competitive, sporting type...

And after a lifetime of pampering, coddling and coaching, Tiger like the True Poor Bastard that he is, was not about to let anyone down!

So after establishing a name for himself as perhaps the single best golfer to ever play the game; an achievement which brought him untold wealth, fame and privilege, not to mention a drop-dead gorgeous wife in the form of Swedish super model Elin Nordegren; what does Tiger Woods do?

I'll tell you what he does....he goes on a sloppy, indiscreet binge of sexing and whoring with all make and manner of gold-digging, money-grubbing, blond bimbos, wanna-be celebrities and porn starlets....Making sure to leave a trail of evidence that is so obvious even the government of Pakistan would have been able to see it!

That's what he does!

So for the benefit of those Poor Bastards who may not have been up to speed on the meteoric rise of Tiger Woods to the rarefied status of Exalted True Poor Bastard (or those of you who simply don't give a damn), we have prepared this pictorial narrative describing key events that led to Tiger joining the exclusive ranks of this esteemed class of Poor Bastards-

This new found fame and fortune almost certainly contributes to his landing a whale of a babe in the form of Swedish super model Elin Nordegren (seen here).

In the beginning Tiger was a modest man/boy. After winning a handful of PGA golf tournaments before the age of 22, Tiger attracts the interest of brand-name retailers the world over; several of which sign him to endorsement deals reported to be worth BILLIONS, so he can peddle their swag to hyper-consumers throughout the Kingdom of the Poor Bastard!

Apparently Tiger is as good at peddling swag as he is at playing golf and making babies!...

After scoring big with the golf gig, endorsement deals and a super-babe of a wife, Tiger and Elin settle into marital bliss and start a family. Things seem to be going well for the young couple as Tiger's prowess on the golf course continues to add to his iconic stature and help land him the most lucrative endorsement deals in history!

But after settling into a suburban lifestyle in sunny Florida and having a couple of kids, Elin's "assets" begin to sag a bit...

 

 

 

 

 

 

So after Tiger launches into a multi-city, multi-bimbo sex-fest spanning a period of well over a year, he is finally confronted by his wife Elin, at their home in Florida. After what was reported as a "domestic disturbance" at the home, Tiger attempts to escape from an enraged, golf club wielding Elin, only to find that trees and high speed driving do not mix!

Subsequent investigation reveals that Woods has indeed been a very bad boy; at which point his female conquests start appearing in the gallery at golf tournaments in which Tiger is participating.

Not wanting to miss out on their 15 minutes of fame this group of gold-digging, Tiger-skanks gets together to pose for a group photo we have dubbed Tiger's Tail...

Meanwhile back at the ranch, things aren't going so good for Tiger and the Mrs...

But perhaps more significant from a Poor Bastard's point of view, is that behind the closed doors of corporate boardrooms across the globe, Tiger's appeal as a swag-peddler extraordinaire seems to be on the wane...

 Recent reports indicate Woods may have lost as much as $500,000,000 in endorsement income as a direct result of his catastrophic display of classic Degenerate Poor Bastard behavior...From the world of golf we also hear that he hasn't won a tournament in almost two years!

In the end lesser Poor Bastards the world over find themselves staring blankly off into space and wondering...how on earth is it even remotely possible for a guy with this kind of fame, fortune, popularity and all the opportunity which comes with such largess, to end up being such a monumental True Poor Bastard?