Green Acres v. Petticoat Junction: Republican Primary Heats Up!

You would think that since they are still living in the Neanderthal era down there in South Carolina, it would take a bit longer than 24 hours for all those Poor Bastard republican voters in the Palmetto State to chisel their ballots out of stone, but apparently not.

Maybe the pig farming Corn-Pone Poor Bastards in Iowa could learn a  thing or two about how to run an election from the tobacco farming Malingering Poor Bastards in South Carolina, since it has taken them the better part two weeks to count the last 34 votes in the Iowa presidential caucus.

Word around the campfire is that they had to work extra hard to "find" just enough votes to maneuver Santorum to the top of the shit-heap!...Which may explain the long delay in finalizing the vote tally since it can be pretty hard to find something that may not even exist!

As of Sunday morning election officials in Petticoat Junction, South Carolina are reporting that Poor Bastard Newt Gingrich has logged a resounding victory over Mitt-The Glit-Romney in the South Carolina republican presidential primary...Meanwhile the Corn-Pone Poor Bastards in Iowa have apparently put their heads together and figured out how to count to 34...which is the margin of victory they now say separates Artificial Poor Bastard Mitt Romney and Homophobic Poor Bastard Rick-who is that Dan Savage guy anyway-Santorum, after almost two weeks of trying to tally up the final vote count in Hooterville!

What all this means for the rest of the Rank & File Poor Bastards throughout The Kingdom of The Poor Bastard is not clear at this time. But we have learned some important lessons over the last few weeks, so let's review!

-Pathetic Homophobic Poor Bastard Rick Santorum's belated "victory" in the Iowa caucus has shown not only that the Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard republicans over in Green Acres are even dumber than Barney Fife...But perhaps more importantly it confirms just how difficult it is to get rid of that messy Santorum when you step in a big pile of it wearing your Sunday best!

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Rick%20Santorum

-Mitt-The Glit-Romney's narrow miss in the Green Acres Caucus earlier this month, and his outright shellacking in the Petticoat Junction Primary on Saturday, proves once and for all that right-wing fundamentalist Baptist Poor Bastards always trump right-wing neo-colonial Mormon Poor Bastards who wear funny underwear and do their churchin' up on Saturday....Don't they know that Saturday is the day they run NASCAR races?...Duuuuuh?

Artificial Poor Bastard Mitt-The Glit-Romney is seen here suiting up in the appropriate attire to clean up all that messy Santorum he found himself covered in after the hotly contested Iowa Caucus, which after almost two weeks, officials in Hooterville, IA now say was won by the Homophobic Poor Bastard Rick Santorum - whose biggest claim to fame prior to his narrow victory in the home state of Arnold the Pig, had been the fact that syndicated columnist and outspoken gay rights advocate Dan Savage, had successfully managed to establish Santorum's name as being synonymous with an absolutely nauseating substance which is apparently a by-product of a certain sexual act.

-The whopping margin of victory earned by the degenerate, self-absorbed Congressional Poor Bastard Newt-the man who would be king-Gingrich in the Petticoat Junction Primary confirms two important things about bible-thumping, right-wing republican Poor Bastards in places like South Carolina.

One is that they really do possess a fifteen minute attention span apparently being unable to remember back to the day when their beloved Newter was embroiled in one controversy after another all having to do with which wife had previously been his mistress before he had divorced the current wife, but which didn't occur until after he had started boning his future wife, who in turn would subsequently become an ex-wife as he started cozying up with yet another future wife in the form of a new mistress....or something like that!

The second is that among the Self-Righteous Poor Bastard Class - which are thick as flies at a church picnic or sweating fat ladies at a tent revival in places like South Carolina - hypocrisy and the old double-standard of "do what I say, not what I do", are alive and well among the politically illiterate Indigenous Poor Bastard population!

Congressional Quitter, Serial Adulterer, Failed Monarch and Revitalized Poor Bastard Newt Gingrich reacts to the smell of decaying Santorum on his opponent Mitt-the glit-Romney's shoes...








But perhaps the most enlightening and entertaining excerpt from the weekend's political circus is the fact that at least 1,000 votes were cast by Malingering Poor Bastards in Saturday's Petticoat Junction Primary for the dearly departed and once Aspiring Poor Bastard Herman - I didn't screw no white woman - Cain, even though Hermie had announced his departure from the campaign campaign trail almost two months ago!

While the rest of The Kingdom is asking, "...and why exactly is it that we let them vote?"