The Self-Absorbed Poor Bastard, who at one time held the nation's third highest office during his brief tenure as the Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives, shocked the world when he announced his intention to seek an appointment as King Newt - First Monarch of the USA; stating that only he, Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich (McPherson), has the experience, leadership skills and exceedingly long name which qualifies him to become the nation's first monarch.
When asked what motivated him to become king, the Pompous Poor Bastard stated-
"Well I used to be the King of The Hill when I was in congress so I don't see why I can't be king of the country now. The Kingdom of The Poor Bastard needs an official king anyway and somebody has to save us from congress and all those Degenerate Poor Bastards in Washington, DC...So if I can't be president then I'm going to try to become king!"
When asked what economic strategy he planned to use to get the U.S. economy back on track he replied that the first thing he was going to do was put all those black folk back to work and "...git 'em off food stamps!"
When asked what he was going to do about all the poor white folks who were out of work and receiving food stamps he had no comment.
Now for you Poor Bastards who weren't conscious, can't remember or simply don't care about such things, the history of one Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich (McPherson) is a long and sordid Poor Bastard Tale of Woe and public self-service that dates back an unpleasantly long period of time, to the era of that legendary Presidential Poor Bastard Ronald Reagan.
Poor Bastard Newton Leroy it seems, first became interested in a life of public self-service back in the early 1970's when he launched an unsuccessful campaign to become Georgia's congressional representative from the Peach State's 6th District. After a second failed attempt to enter the Carnival of Poor Bastards - otherwise known as congress - The Newter managed to get himself elected about the time old Ronnie Ray-guns was setting his sights on the Oval Office back in 1978-79.
From this point forward the next thirty years were an extremely trying and miserable time for Poor Bastards throughout the Peach State and the rest of The Kingdom as Newton Leroy conducted a right-wing political rampage that resulted in his self-proclaimed "Contract with America", which came to be known by its more accurate and popular euphemism "Contract on America", due to the lethal economic blows that resulted from his overzealous efforts to dismantle welfare and cut taxes for rich folks, who just happened to be the same rich folks that had helped the air-headed Poor Bastard Ronnie Reagan get elected president in 1980.
Like his predecessor and fellow Poor Bastard Hermie ("I didn't screw no white women!") Cain, Newt has long had a penchant for waiving the "stupid stick" when speaking to his minions... Prior to the emergence of Arrogant Poor Bastard Donald Trump as a player on The Kingdom's political stage, The Newter's silver locks were perhaps the most famous coiffure in U.S. political history.
The political career of this Peach State Cracker, alleged philanderer and insufferably Pompous Poor Bastard really took off after his "Contract on America" escapade swung the national circus spotlight in his direction. His fall from grace was almost equally as astonishing as his inexplicable rise to power during the early years of yet another notorious Presidential Poor Bastard Billie-Boy Clinton...
After seizing control of congress by getting himself appointed Speaker of the House, our Poor Bastard political hero managed only another five years or so before he had taken all of the abuse, treachery and duplicitous treatment that any Poor Bastard and wanna-be king could stand. On the heels of yet another successful reelection campaign The Newter announced in a parting statement only one day after being reelected to his 11th term in congress,
"...I'm willing to lead but I'm not willing to preside over people who are cannibals..."
This long and disastrous Tale of Political Woe then came to a sudden end as Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich (McPherson) announced that he would not only step down as Speaker of the House but would not return to congress to serve his 11th term, only one day after winning reelection!
Since his departure from public self-service The Newter, as he has come to be known throughout The Kingdom of The Poor Bastard, has continued to meddle in affairs of state as well as other matters which, as a private citizen, are frankly none of his damned business.
But then that is the stuff of which kings are made, the Grand Poo Ba can only suppose?
