In recent years much has been made in the mainstream press about welfare spending and all of the lazy Poor Bastards who are allegedly sitting around The Kingdom collecting benefits, channel-surfing through cable-wonderland, while the rest of us slave away at the rock pile....Now that the dust has settled from the election and everyone has had a chance to take a breather, the Grand Poo Ba thought he would do a little research in order to set the record straight!
Let's start by putting one of the biggest myths to rest, which is that welfare spending is somehow going to bankrupt the country....
The reality is that total federal spending on welfare as of 10/15/2012, not including food stamps, amounts to $132 billion dollars a year!
In view of the fact that the current federal budget calls for $3.7 TRILLION in spending (that's 3.7 followed by TWELVE zeros, for all of you Poor Bastards
who can't count), this means that welfare spending, not including food stamps, amounts to around 3.5% of total federal spending!...And again, if you are a
mathematically challenged Poor Bastard, that would be the equivalent of spending four bucks on a Big Mac and being charged an additional fifteen cents to pay for some less fortunate Poor Bastard's double-chubby-chuck! Hell, most of you would leave the change in the jar for Jerry's Kids anyway, so what's the difference?
Food stamps account for another $71 billion in "welfare" spending, meaning that total federal spending on what is generally thought of as welfare totals right at $200 billion per year.
However, because food stamps are treated somewhat differently under the laws of The Kingdom, all spending on food stamps cannot technically be categorized as welfare spending. This is so because it is possible for an Unfortunate Poor Bastard to be gainfully employed and still qualify for food stamps due to the pathetic pittance they earn in wages!
So, the notion that every Poor Bastard who receives food stamps is lying around picking their nose, watching day-time reruns on TV, while they munch away on frozen pizza and turkey pot pies that were paid for with food stamps is simply not true! In fact, it could even be argued that the money used to provide food stamps to those Poor Bastards who are employed, is a form of corporate welfare, since it serves as a form of subsidy for the employer, who is then able to get away with paying his workers less money that it actually costs to survive, while the federal government picks up the tab for the his employee's groceries!
Not to belabor the obvious, but this rate of spending is hardly enough to break the bank! In reality it is little more than an annoyance, kind of like when White Collar Poor Bastards pilfer office supplies from their employer and take them home from the office.
Is is stealing? Yes.
Does it cost the employer money? Yes, but it is unlikely to result in the bankruptcy of the company.
The second myth that needs to be laid to rest is that welfare recipients are nothing but a bunch of free-loading Malingering Poor Bastards who are too lazy to work and would rather make a career out of lying around on the sofa waiting for the mailman to deliver "the welfare check."
The reality is that under current federal law, any one Poor Bastard welfare recipient can only draw benefits for 60 months, after which time they are out the door! In some states the benefit period is even less, depending on the laws of each state. Federal law does allow the state to occasionally extend benefits beyond 60 months, but only to 20% of the Poor Bastards who make up the caseload in each state!
This means that fully 80% of the Poor Bastards in the U.S. who receive welfare will have their benefits terminated after five years and will be dropped from the system!
Now the last time I checked, 5 years hardly constituted a "career", even among the Malingering Poor Bastard class!
The third myth is that the welfare rolls are clogged with unmotivated, single mother Poor Bastardettes who are hanging around with like-minded Degenerate Poor Bastards, breeding like flies, cranking out Future Poor Bastard babies, in order to increase the benefits they receive from welfare....When in fact the reality is that as of 10/15/2012 the average household receiving welfare had 1.9 children living in the home...a far cry from the romper room imagery the conservative media would lead you to believe is the case!
In total the ultimate reality is that federal spending on corporate welfare far outpaces any money that is spent on more traditional forms of welfare. By "corporate welfare" I am referring to everything from military spending to corporate bailouts to paying the interest on the national debt. And speaking of that national debt, all of you Retiring Poor Bastards should know that the annual interest payments now total more than 50% of the amount of money the U.S. spends on Social Security each year.
In order to get a realistic grip on exactly what all of this corporate welfare is really costing, let's look at some of those statistics....
Interest on the national debt is currently running $475 billion per year - more than 3.5 times the amount we spend on traditional welfare, not including food stamps. Much of this money is a wealth transfer from Working Class Poor Bastards to some of the world's richest individuals, companies and countries. A substantial amount of this debt is money that congress has "borrowed" from the Social Security and Medicare Trust Funds. And it is this borrowing that has led to the destabilization of the Social Security program and therefore the retirement prospects for every last one of you Poor Bastards throughout the Kingdom of the Poor Bastard!
Military spending, including spending on veterans and retirees, now totals approximately $860 billion dollars per year, almost 6.5 times what we spend on welfare, not including food stamps. If we assume that 50% of this spending is unnecessary to actually "protect" the U.S. from its enemies around the world, that leaves $430 billion dollars, more than 3 times what we spend on welfare, that ends up mostly in the hands of private corporations as a result of lucrative contracts associated with defense spending.
As for corporate bailouts, there are very few reliable sources available from which to draw meaningful statistics, no doubt due to the fact that the federal government doesn't want all of you Disgruntled Poor Bastard voters to know just how much these bailouts are costing the U.S. taxpayers. But, we can draw some sort of comparisons just from the numbers which have been tossed about in the press over the last few years.
So, let's take the AIG bailout as an example. This gift from our government to the corporate cabal is said to have cost the U.S. $75 billion dollars, or almost 40% of the amount we spend each year on welfare and food stamps for the rest of us Poor Bastards, and that's just one damned company!
Other bailouts and federal spending to rescue Wall Street and the rest of the transnational corporate empire from their own malfeasance and incompetence, have easily totaled hundreds of billions, if not trillions of dollars, since Barack Obama was first elected in 2008.
In total, it doesn't really matter what the exact numbers are. What matters when it comes to this discussion of welfare, is that the cost of supporting the Poor Bastards on welfare, whether they are people who have a legitimate need or are just lazy Malingering Poor Bastards, is a trifle drop in the bucket when compared with the amounts of money the federal government is shoveling into the coffers of some of the world's richest corporations and private citizens every day of the year!
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Friday, November 9, 2012
Here We Go Again!
Those of you Poor Bastards who may have been pleased (or
relieved) with the results of Tuesday's presidential election, but would
otherwise prefer to crawl back under a rock and ignore political
reality for another four years, may want to reconsider apathy as a strategy of change, after you see what the Bush clan is preparing to unleash:
http://news.yahoo.com/next-bush-makes-campaign-filing-texas-041025927.html
Young Jeb Jr. here should not be taken lightly, as he is no bumbling idiot like that Titanic Poor Bastard Mittens Romney or the Pathetic Poor Bastard John McCain...
No, the Jebster's boy is a highly polished Aristocratic Poor Bastard and well trained emperor-in-training, who has been schooled at the feet of America's last surviving political dynasty.
His Hispanic heritage has been carefully crafted and is clearly poised to exploit the shifting voter demographic that was on display last Tuesday when the Hispanic vote turned Florida from red to blue!
Boy George's strategists appear to be planning an assault on the state of Texas and its sizable (and growing) Hispanic population. He is spit-shined and ready to make his entrance onto the political stage. If he is successful, America could be faced with another presidential disaster just about the time we finally get the mess cleaned up that his Presidential Poor Bastard Uncle George left us with!
So it's time to get busy down there in Texas and nip this thing in the bud before another national embarrassment emerges from the Great State!
http://news.yahoo.com/next-bush-makes-campaign-filing-texas-041025927.html
Young Jeb Jr. here should not be taken lightly, as he is no bumbling idiot like that Titanic Poor Bastard Mittens Romney or the Pathetic Poor Bastard John McCain...
No, the Jebster's boy is a highly polished Aristocratic Poor Bastard and well trained emperor-in-training, who has been schooled at the feet of America's last surviving political dynasty.
His Hispanic heritage has been carefully crafted and is clearly poised to exploit the shifting voter demographic that was on display last Tuesday when the Hispanic vote turned Florida from red to blue!
Boy George's strategists appear to be planning an assault on the state of Texas and its sizable (and growing) Hispanic population. He is spit-shined and ready to make his entrance onto the political stage. If he is successful, America could be faced with another presidential disaster just about the time we finally get the mess cleaned up that his Presidential Poor Bastard Uncle George left us with!
So it's time to get busy down there in Texas and nip this thing in the bud before another national embarrassment emerges from the Great State!
Saturday, September 29, 2012
The Grand Poo Ba's View of Government Finance
All right, here it is folks....the Grand Poo Ba is going to lay down the nitty-gritty truth about the federal budget deficit.
http://news.yahoo.com/where-did-mammoth-us-budget-deficits-come-211927495.html
If we choose to believe the data contained in this article we can draw some very clear, crisp conclusions about how the U.S. wound up in the fiscal mess it is in at the moment. Let's review:
1) 1/4 of the deficit is due to the federal budget hawks' flawed projections about how much revenue would be collected over an unspecified period of time. In short, they thought they would collect more tax revenues than they did because the economy did not grow as much as they were anticipating. However, spending projections were based on the revenue projections and the government went ahead and spent money they never received...
This is the equivalent of a Poor Bastard who plans to take a vacation because he thinks he will earn enough money to afford it and when he doesn't earn enough money to take the kids to Disneyland, he goes ahead with his vacation plans and charges the entire trip on his Visa card!
2) 1/4 of the deficit is due directly to the reduction in federal revenues which have resulted from tax cuts beginning with the Bush tax cuts, which largely benefited the very wealthy, but the Middle Class tax cut engineered by Obama as a stimulus measure also contributed to this funding shortfall....
This is known as plain old-fashioned stupidity. It's kind of like a Poor Bastard who goes to his boss and says, "You know, bossman, I don't think I need all the money you are paying me and, in fact, I think I could manage with even less than you are paying me, so why don't you just reduce my pay by 15%?"
3) The remaining 50% of the federal deficit is due to overspending; or to look at it another way, UNDER-estimating the true cost of various programs that are paid for with federal dollars. In the context of the average Poor Bastard and their household finances, this is referred to simply as "bad budgeting skills."
In the context of government officials, who are entrusted by the public to do a job and do it correctly (kind of like all the Poor Bastards are expected to do every day they show up at the rock-pile) this is known as "professional incompetence."
http://news.yahoo.com/where-did-mammoth-us-budget-deficits-come-211927495.html
If we choose to believe the data contained in this article we can draw some very clear, crisp conclusions about how the U.S. wound up in the fiscal mess it is in at the moment. Let's review:
1) 1/4 of the deficit is due to the federal budget hawks' flawed projections about how much revenue would be collected over an unspecified period of time. In short, they thought they would collect more tax revenues than they did because the economy did not grow as much as they were anticipating. However, spending projections were based on the revenue projections and the government went ahead and spent money they never received...
This is the equivalent of a Poor Bastard who plans to take a vacation because he thinks he will earn enough money to afford it and when he doesn't earn enough money to take the kids to Disneyland, he goes ahead with his vacation plans and charges the entire trip on his Visa card!
2) 1/4 of the deficit is due directly to the reduction in federal revenues which have resulted from tax cuts beginning with the Bush tax cuts, which largely benefited the very wealthy, but the Middle Class tax cut engineered by Obama as a stimulus measure also contributed to this funding shortfall....
This is known as plain old-fashioned stupidity. It's kind of like a Poor Bastard who goes to his boss and says, "You know, bossman, I don't think I need all the money you are paying me and, in fact, I think I could manage with even less than you are paying me, so why don't you just reduce my pay by 15%?"
3) The remaining 50% of the federal deficit is due to overspending; or to look at it another way, UNDER-estimating the true cost of various programs that are paid for with federal dollars. In the context of the average Poor Bastard and their household finances, this is referred to simply as "bad budgeting skills."
In the context of government officials, who are entrusted by the public to do a job and do it correctly (kind of like all the Poor Bastards are expected to do every day they show up at the rock-pile) this is known as "professional incompetence."
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Here We Go Again.......
Friday, August 31, 2012
Grand Old Poor Bastard Party Anoints New King!
The genuine passion that all Political Poor Bastards have for telling a really big, juicy lie has no greater champion than the newly anointed (The Wall Street Journal's choice of words, not the Grand Poo Ba's) leader of the Republican Party, Mitt - I'm a religious man - Romney...endearingly known to family and close friends as "Mittens"...
...Otherwise known the great unwashed mass of Poor Bastard humanity as Mitt Robme!
http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/greed-and-debt-the-true-story-of-mitt-romney-and-bain-capital-20120829?print=true
...Otherwise known the great unwashed mass of Poor Bastard humanity as Mitt Robme!
http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/greed-and-debt-the-true-story-of-mitt-romney-and-bain-capital-20120829?print=true
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Porn Superstar Jenna Jameson Endorses Mittens' Presidential Bid!
Once again it is that time which occurs every 4th year when Poor Bastards and Poor Bastardettes from the world of Hollywood's Illiterati crawl out from under their rocks and start chiming in with their opinion of who they plan to vote for in the presidential election.
And while it may be possible that stranger things have happened somewhere in The Kingdom of the Poor Bastard while the Grand Poo Ba has been away, it's hard to imagine anything that could be more perfect than for superstar porn actress and Genuine Poor Bastardette Jenna Jameson to have slipped out from under the satin sheets of her porn palace bedroom to endorse 'Mittens' Romney and his presidential bid!
http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/opinion-la/la-ol-jenna-jameson-goes-republican-20120803,0,2605130.story
While it is certainly true that most red-blooded True Poor Bastards surely respect Ms. Jameson's theatrical talents and breast-augmentation surgery, it is clearly obvious that intellectual discourse has never been one of her strong points.
Meanwhile, Mittens was reported to be delighted with the news that his floundering and pathetic bid for the presidency had received Jameson's meaningless endorsement - even more so than the equally spurious nod from Camp Brain-Fart, where Grizzled Poor Bastard Clint Eastwood, that waxy, rawhide-skinned relic from the bygone era of bad TV acting and even worse movie scripts, has also thrown in the good word for Mittens & Company. Proving once and for all that Eastwood has outlived his own brain!
When asked her opinion of the somewhat dubious endorsement from Jameson, Mrs. Mittens reportedly replied,
"...Mittens and I have always enjoyed going to the movies and Mittens does have a fondness for pretty leading ladies, even if they do look like a figure from a wax museum and have breasts that look like they were molded out of plastic!"
Now that Romney and his supporters clearly have a celebrity brain-trust of such Titanic Poor Bastard proportions squarely in the corner, one can only imagine how Barack O-blah-blah-bama and his team must be quaking in their Presidential Poor Bastard loafers, while at the same time trying to keep from laughing their asses off at the absurdity of a self-proclaimed, holier-than-thou Bumbling Poor Bastard presidential candidate of the Mormon faith being endorsed by one the most legendary Copulation Queens of all-time, who, according to her own Wikipedia page, has 161 porn film "credits" to show for her acrobatic, silicone-enhanced career!
The Grand Poo Ba isn't so sure the word "credits" is really the appropriate term but that's an entirely different subject.
Pictured at left Poor Bastardette Jenna Jameson, who according to prosecutors, was arrested in May of 2012 for drunk driving in Orange County, CA after crashing her Range Rover SUV into a light pole and then failing the roadside booze-o-meter test by blowing a .08!...Upon arrest she was also found to be driving without a valid driver's license!
When asked about the incident Jameson reportedly responded, "I have always been told to suck, not blow, and now I guess I know why!"
Lending a truly new meaning to the phrase "dumb blonde" and proving yet again that Poor Bastard Comedian Ron White's observation that "you can't fix stupid" is as true as ever!
And while it may be possible that stranger things have happened somewhere in The Kingdom of the Poor Bastard while the Grand Poo Ba has been away, it's hard to imagine anything that could be more perfect than for superstar porn actress and Genuine Poor Bastardette Jenna Jameson to have slipped out from under the satin sheets of her porn palace bedroom to endorse 'Mittens' Romney and his presidential bid!
http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/opinion-la/la-ol-jenna-jameson-goes-republican-20120803,0,2605130.story
While it is certainly true that most red-blooded True Poor Bastards surely respect Ms. Jameson's theatrical talents and breast-augmentation surgery, it is clearly obvious that intellectual discourse has never been one of her strong points.
Meanwhile, Mittens was reported to be delighted with the news that his floundering and pathetic bid for the presidency had received Jameson's meaningless endorsement - even more so than the equally spurious nod from Camp Brain-Fart, where Grizzled Poor Bastard Clint Eastwood, that waxy, rawhide-skinned relic from the bygone era of bad TV acting and even worse movie scripts, has also thrown in the good word for Mittens & Company. Proving once and for all that Eastwood has outlived his own brain!
When asked her opinion of the somewhat dubious endorsement from Jameson, Mrs. Mittens reportedly replied,
"...Mittens and I have always enjoyed going to the movies and Mittens does have a fondness for pretty leading ladies, even if they do look like a figure from a wax museum and have breasts that look like they were molded out of plastic!"
Now that Romney and his supporters clearly have a celebrity brain-trust of such Titanic Poor Bastard proportions squarely in the corner, one can only imagine how Barack O-blah-blah-bama and his team must be quaking in their Presidential Poor Bastard loafers, while at the same time trying to keep from laughing their asses off at the absurdity of a self-proclaimed, holier-than-thou Bumbling Poor Bastard presidential candidate of the Mormon faith being endorsed by one the most legendary Copulation Queens of all-time, who, according to her own Wikipedia page, has 161 porn film "credits" to show for her acrobatic, silicone-enhanced career!
The Grand Poo Ba isn't so sure the word "credits" is really the appropriate term but that's an entirely different subject.
When asked about the incident Jameson reportedly responded, "I have always been told to suck, not blow, and now I guess I know why!"
Lending a truly new meaning to the phrase "dumb blonde" and proving yet again that Poor Bastard Comedian Ron White's observation that "you can't fix stupid" is as true as ever!
Monday, May 28, 2012
Donald Trump Named World's First "Bloviating Poor Bastard"
They say that if you make it a point to learn one new word every day you will be smarter than 95% of the population. In the case of the Garden-Variety Poor Bastard class it is probably more like 99%, but hey, why sweat the details?
At any rate, the Grand Poo Ba has to give credit where credit is due, and today's new word is one that he learned from that erstwhile conservative political pundit George Will, a Poor Bastard of Ivy League proportions, who has suddenly taken center stage in the political arena of the Kingdom of the Poor Bastard after publicly lambasting the Iconic Poor Bastard Donald-trump or monkey-Trump by referring to the Monkey-Man himself as a "bloviating ignoramus!"...
After which he observed blithely that "Donald Trump is redundant evidence that if your net worth is high enough, your IQ can be very low, and you can still intrude into American politics....."
Now for all of you Generic Poor Bastards who, like the Grand Poo Ba, didn't even know that "bloviating" was a proper word, we have asked the fact-checkers here at the editorial desk of the Poor Bastard's Gazette to look it up and find out what it does mean. As it turns out, the Merriam-Webster dictionary defines it as an intransitive verb which means;
"...To speak or write verbosely and windily."
Of course "windily' is certainly an appropriate description of the Monkey-Man and his hair, and we agree that "verbose" is a worthy adjective since virtually anything that spills out of the Trumpster's mouth is arguably more words that anyone needs to hear, but the Grand Poo Ba must confess he was unaware that there was a single word that could be used to describe the Big-Haired One any more accurately than "bloviating!"
The High Council of the Fraternal Order of the Poor Bastard was so impressed that an emergency meeting was called over the holiday weekend to confirm that a new class of Poor Bastard had been born as a result of George Will's word games.....that of Bloviating Poor Bastard, with Donald-trump or monkey-Trump being named the poster-boy for this newly anointed class of Genuine Poor Bastard!
At any rate, the Grand Poo Ba has to give credit where credit is due, and today's new word is one that he learned from that erstwhile conservative political pundit George Will, a Poor Bastard of Ivy League proportions, who has suddenly taken center stage in the political arena of the Kingdom of the Poor Bastard after publicly lambasting the Iconic Poor Bastard Donald-trump or monkey-Trump by referring to the Monkey-Man himself as a "bloviating ignoramus!"...
Now for all of you Generic Poor Bastards who, like the Grand Poo Ba, didn't even know that "bloviating" was a proper word, we have asked the fact-checkers here at the editorial desk of the Poor Bastard's Gazette to look it up and find out what it does mean. As it turns out, the Merriam-Webster dictionary defines it as an intransitive verb which means;
"...To speak or write verbosely and windily."
Of course "windily' is certainly an appropriate description of the Monkey-Man and his hair, and we agree that "verbose" is a worthy adjective since virtually anything that spills out of the Trumpster's mouth is arguably more words that anyone needs to hear, but the Grand Poo Ba must confess he was unaware that there was a single word that could be used to describe the Big-Haired One any more accurately than "bloviating!"
The High Council of the Fraternal Order of the Poor Bastard was so impressed that an emergency meeting was called over the holiday weekend to confirm that a new class of Poor Bastard had been born as a result of George Will's word games.....that of Bloviating Poor Bastard, with Donald-trump or monkey-Trump being named the poster-boy for this newly anointed class of Genuine Poor Bastard!
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard Newt Gingrich Takes A Standing Eight Count!
If you thought we were kidding when the High Council of the Fraternal Order of The Poor Bastard elevated the status of Republican presidential wanna-be Newt Gingrich to Genuine Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard, then you need to check out this amusing little story from ABC News-
http://news.yahoo.com/newt-gingrich-utah-primary-check-bounces-032418602--abc-news-politics.html
That's right folks, you heard it here first, and now it's all over the mainstream press...Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich (McPherson), being the Genuine Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard that he is, has bounced a $500 check that was issued to pay his filing fee for the Utah Republican primary, according to Mark Thomas, the Utah state election director!
Yes, it appears that The Newter has finally been neutered after it was announced that his campaign had bounced a $500 check that was issued to pay his filing fee for the Utah state Republican primary!...
Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard Newt Gingrich is seen here breaking into tears after being told that he won't be able to play Mormon presidential politics with fudge-packer Mitt Romney in the outback known as Utah!
Meanwhile in other news from the circus of idiots (otherwise known as the Republican presidential primary), Rick "who is that Dan Savage guy anyway?" Santorum has finally thrown in the towel on his presidential aspirations after being soundly trounced in one primary after another, as the Unflappable Poor Bastard, fudge-packer Mitt Romney, never wavered in his promise to rid the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard of that awful stench of fresh santorum that had been wafting through the air ever since the arrogant fool and Obnoxious Poor Bastard Rick "who is that Dan Savage guy anyway?" Santorum took to the campaign trail in his quest to become The Kingdom's next exalted leader!
For those of you who haven't been following along, the sniglet* "santorum" was coined by syndicated columnist and gay rights activist Dan Savage several years ago in an attempt to bring embarrassment and public humiliation to the ultra right-wing whacko-balls ex-senator from Pennsylvania, due to his belligerent intolerance of gays and gay rights issues.
After launching a nationwide "Google-bomb" using his syndicated sex advice column as something of a bully pulpit to bring shame and embarrassment raining down upon the Doomed Poor Bastard Rick Santorum, Savage was able to successfully associate Santorum's last name with a vile mixture of anal lube and fecal matter which can apparently be a by-product of a certain sexual act.
Not to be denied his rightful place among The Kingdom's heroic figures, presidential hopeful Mitt Romney committed himself to the unpleasant task of ridding the nation of that foul stench of fresh santorum, which seems to linger in the air long after the Foul Bastard from Pennsylvania has come and gone!
Presidential hopeful and Silver-Tongued Poor Bastard "fudge-packer" Mitt Romney is seen here strapping on the heavy equipment as he sets about to clean up another smoldering pile of fresh santorum found along the campaign trail....
*Sniglet - a word that isn't in the dictionary but should be.
http://news.yahoo.com/newt-gingrich-utah-primary-check-bounces-032418602--abc-news-politics.html
That's right folks, you heard it here first, and now it's all over the mainstream press...Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich (McPherson), being the Genuine Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard that he is, has bounced a $500 check that was issued to pay his filing fee for the Utah Republican primary, according to Mark Thomas, the Utah state election director!
Yes, it appears that The Newter has finally been neutered after it was announced that his campaign had bounced a $500 check that was issued to pay his filing fee for the Utah state Republican primary!...
Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard Newt Gingrich is seen here breaking into tears after being told that he won't be able to play Mormon presidential politics with fudge-packer Mitt Romney in the outback known as Utah!Meanwhile in other news from the circus of idiots (otherwise known as the Republican presidential primary), Rick "who is that Dan Savage guy anyway?" Santorum has finally thrown in the towel on his presidential aspirations after being soundly trounced in one primary after another, as the Unflappable Poor Bastard, fudge-packer Mitt Romney, never wavered in his promise to rid the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard of that awful stench of fresh santorum that had been wafting through the air ever since the arrogant fool and Obnoxious Poor Bastard Rick "who is that Dan Savage guy anyway?" Santorum took to the campaign trail in his quest to become The Kingdom's next exalted leader!
For those of you who haven't been following along, the sniglet* "santorum" was coined by syndicated columnist and gay rights activist Dan Savage several years ago in an attempt to bring embarrassment and public humiliation to the ultra right-wing whacko-balls ex-senator from Pennsylvania, due to his belligerent intolerance of gays and gay rights issues.
After launching a nationwide "Google-bomb" using his syndicated sex advice column as something of a bully pulpit to bring shame and embarrassment raining down upon the Doomed Poor Bastard Rick Santorum, Savage was able to successfully associate Santorum's last name with a vile mixture of anal lube and fecal matter which can apparently be a by-product of a certain sexual act.
Not to be denied his rightful place among The Kingdom's heroic figures, presidential hopeful Mitt Romney committed himself to the unpleasant task of ridding the nation of that foul stench of fresh santorum, which seems to linger in the air long after the Foul Bastard from Pennsylvania has come and gone!
*Sniglet - a word that isn't in the dictionary but should be.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Peach State Crackers Run Amuck At Savannah Gun Show As The Newter's Fiscal Disaster Continues To Grow!
The Grand Poo Ba is fresh off the campaign trail, where word of the Newter's ongoing financial woes continues to mount after this story from the Washington Post hit the wire service Saturday morning-
http://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/gingrich-health-care-think-tank-files-for-bankruptcy-protection/2012/04/05/gIQAvgy2xS_story.html?tid=pm_politics_pop
As the details begin to emerge about the Newter's latest fiscal disaster, Inquiring Poor Bastards throughout The Kingdom are already asking, "What do the word "think" and Newt Gingrich have in common"? And the answer is, apparently not a lot....at least when it comes to thinking about how in the hell your "think tank" is going to pay the damned rent!
Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich (McPherson) is seen here refusing to remove his royal head-wear after being told repeatedly that he is NOT going to be allowed to become the first Monarch of the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard!
Regular readers of The Poor Bastard's Gazette are already aware of Newt-what do you mean I can't be King?-Gingrich's money troubles, after it was reported in last week's post that the wanna-be King of The Poor Bastards had resorted to selling photo ops to his campaign faithful for fifty bucks a crack in an attempt to bolster the war chest for his sputtering Republican presidential campaign.
Not to be intimidated by a lack of financial firepower, the Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard Newt Gingrich and his prodigious ego continued to forge ahead in an effort to achieve what all True Poor Bastards inherently know is their goal in life....public humiliation and embarrassment due to their stifling ignorance and unabashed hubris!
Meanwhile, back in The Newter's adopted home state of Georgia, the guards have apparently let the lunatics out of the asylum once again, as this report from Atlanta Business Chronicle confirms-
http://www.bizjournals.com/atlanta/morning_call/2012/04/man-leaving-savannah-gun-show-shoots.html?ana=RSS&s=article_search
That's right, folks. Twenty-five-year-old Poor Bastard William Penfield of Hinesville, GA reportedly shot himself in the leg after leaving a gun show in downtown Savannah, GA this past Sunday...Adding a sarcastic twist of humor to this otherwise pathetic display of Genuine Poor Bastard behavior is that this is apparently the second such incident to occur at a Savannah gun show in the last two months, after 26 year-old Rank & File Poor Bastard Charles Lake of Rincon, GA reportedly shot himself in the leg as he was leaving a gun show at the Savannah Civic Center on February 5 of 2012!
Since there is obviously no accounting for the brazen stupidity of the Poor Bastard crackers in the Peach State, we will leave this one to the local constabulary to sort out after posing the rhetorical question-
Do you think they might want to reevaluate their gun-totin' policy down there in the Peach State?
http://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/gingrich-health-care-think-tank-files-for-bankruptcy-protection/2012/04/05/gIQAvgy2xS_story.html?tid=pm_politics_pop
As the details begin to emerge about the Newter's latest fiscal disaster, Inquiring Poor Bastards throughout The Kingdom are already asking, "What do the word "think" and Newt Gingrich have in common"? And the answer is, apparently not a lot....at least when it comes to thinking about how in the hell your "think tank" is going to pay the damned rent!
Regular readers of The Poor Bastard's Gazette are already aware of Newt-what do you mean I can't be King?-Gingrich's money troubles, after it was reported in last week's post that the wanna-be King of The Poor Bastards had resorted to selling photo ops to his campaign faithful for fifty bucks a crack in an attempt to bolster the war chest for his sputtering Republican presidential campaign.
Not to be intimidated by a lack of financial firepower, the Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard Newt Gingrich and his prodigious ego continued to forge ahead in an effort to achieve what all True Poor Bastards inherently know is their goal in life....public humiliation and embarrassment due to their stifling ignorance and unabashed hubris!
Meanwhile, back in The Newter's adopted home state of Georgia, the guards have apparently let the lunatics out of the asylum once again, as this report from Atlanta Business Chronicle confirms-
http://www.bizjournals.com/atlanta/morning_call/2012/04/man-leaving-savannah-gun-show-shoots.html?ana=RSS&s=article_search
That's right, folks. Twenty-five-year-old Poor Bastard William Penfield of Hinesville, GA reportedly shot himself in the leg after leaving a gun show in downtown Savannah, GA this past Sunday...Adding a sarcastic twist of humor to this otherwise pathetic display of Genuine Poor Bastard behavior is that this is apparently the second such incident to occur at a Savannah gun show in the last two months, after 26 year-old Rank & File Poor Bastard Charles Lake of Rincon, GA reportedly shot himself in the leg as he was leaving a gun show at the Savannah Civic Center on February 5 of 2012!
Since there is obviously no accounting for the brazen stupidity of the Poor Bastard crackers in the Peach State, we will leave this one to the local constabulary to sort out after posing the rhetorical question-
Do you think they might want to reevaluate their gun-totin' policy down there in the Peach State?
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
The Man Who Would Be King Instead Becomes A Public Embarrassment For Republican Party
It seems like only yesterday that any time a right-wing, reactionary greaseball Poor Bastard crawled out from under the nearest rock and declared they were a Republican candidate for president, the cash would pour in like rainwater through the roof of a Poor Bastard's 1978 single-wide trailer; or like moonshine out of a well-hidden Poor Bastard's still; or like pictures of naked Poor Bastard congressmen on the internet; or like.....well, you get the idea!
But these days things are quite different, it seems, as evidenced by the breaking story that Royal Poor Bastard Newt - "what do you mean I can't be King?" - Gingrich has resorted to selling photo ops to his supporters as he makes his way down the fading presidential campaign trail to Never-Never Land!
Yep! That's right folks...The Newter is flat broke, out of cash!
In other words, a Genuine Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard!
The Newter, seen here reacting to the news that the High Council of the Fraternal Order of The Poor Bastard had just elevated his status to that of a Genuine Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard!
According to this story from the National Journal, The Newter really has been neutered due to a lack of campaign cash. As a result, campaign strategists are now offering supporters the opportunity to have their picture taken in the company of the Bloated Poor Bastard (who you have to admit has taken on a striking resemblance to the late Iconic Poor Bastard Ted Kennedy) for a mere fifty bucks!
http://news.yahoo.com/gingrich-begins-charging-50-photos-events-211722126.html
Yep!...Half a C-note will get you an heirloom that the patriotic Rank & Foul Poor Bastard family can proudly display on the living room wall of their new double-wide!
Now I know what all of you Inquiring Poor Bastards are probably thinking...and it's the same question the Grand Poo Ba just has to set forth for the court of public opinion to ponder...
"You mean to tell me that Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich (McPherson) has become so desperate for cash that he is selling his infamous mugshot for less than the cost of a couple of "Boomsticks" and a bag of cheese-doodles at a Texas Rangers baseball game?"
Hard to believe, but you just can't make this stuff up!
I know it must be heartbreaking for the dozens of supporters that The Newter no doubt has throughout the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard. But as we all know far too well, times are tough and ready cash is a hot commodity that is in short supply for many Poor Bastards...As it appears is the case with one of The Kingdom's exalted icons of pompous arrogance and vitriolic hubris......Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich (McPherson)!
The Newter is seen here reacting to the news that campaign staffers are having a hard time peddling photo ops with the Bloated Poor Bastard for a measly fifty bucks!
In honor of all the hard work and sacrifice The Newter has endured in his efforts to become leader of the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard, the High Council of the Fraternal Order of The Poor Bastard has decided to name a sniglet* after Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich (McPherson)...This rarefied and distinguished honor means that forever more a pimple on the end of the nose - such as the one seen here - will be known to Poor Bastards throughout The Realm as a "Gingrich!"
* For those Poor Bastards who haven't been following along, a "sniglet" is the term for a word that isn't in the dictionary but should be.
But these days things are quite different, it seems, as evidenced by the breaking story that Royal Poor Bastard Newt - "what do you mean I can't be King?" - Gingrich has resorted to selling photo ops to his supporters as he makes his way down the fading presidential campaign trail to Never-Never Land!
Yep! That's right folks...The Newter is flat broke, out of cash!
In other words, a Genuine Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard!
According to this story from the National Journal, The Newter really has been neutered due to a lack of campaign cash. As a result, campaign strategists are now offering supporters the opportunity to have their picture taken in the company of the Bloated Poor Bastard (who you have to admit has taken on a striking resemblance to the late Iconic Poor Bastard Ted Kennedy) for a mere fifty bucks!
http://news.yahoo.com/gingrich-begins-charging-50-photos-events-211722126.html
Yep!...Half a C-note will get you an heirloom that the patriotic Rank & Foul Poor Bastard family can proudly display on the living room wall of their new double-wide!
Now I know what all of you Inquiring Poor Bastards are probably thinking...and it's the same question the Grand Poo Ba just has to set forth for the court of public opinion to ponder...
"You mean to tell me that Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich (McPherson) has become so desperate for cash that he is selling his infamous mugshot for less than the cost of a couple of "Boomsticks" and a bag of cheese-doodles at a Texas Rangers baseball game?"
Hard to believe, but you just can't make this stuff up!
I know it must be heartbreaking for the dozens of supporters that The Newter no doubt has throughout the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard. But as we all know far too well, times are tough and ready cash is a hot commodity that is in short supply for many Poor Bastards...As it appears is the case with one of The Kingdom's exalted icons of pompous arrogance and vitriolic hubris......Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich (McPherson)!
* For those Poor Bastards who haven't been following along, a "sniglet" is the term for a word that isn't in the dictionary but should be.
Redneck Riviera Invaded By Nine Pound Rats!
What with all the bad press that the state of Florida has been getting lately, perhaps it's no surprise that the Grand Poo Ba woke up to a new day with this Poor Bastard Tale of Woe staring him in the face-
A Florida Cracker and certain Poor Bastard is seen here attempting to sneak up on a dinner-sized nine pound Gambian rat after hearing that they make for a tasty fricassee...
Of course followers of The Poor Bastard's Gazette are no doubt well aware of the Grand Poo Ba's general fear and loathing of just about everything having to do with the Sunshine State.
And perhaps the rest of the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard shouldn't be terribly surprised by anything that happens in this unrefined mecca of illiteracy, cigarette butts, sun-burned beer-guts and Malingering Poor Bastards wearing sleeveless NASCAR tee-shirts and baseball caps turned around backwards - especially considering this is the state that is single-handedly responsible for stinking up the rest of the country with the likes of that Ultimate Presidential Poor Bastard Boy George Bush!
But then, like the Grand Poo Ba's grandma used to say, "we must let bygones be bygones..."
Meanwhile, the word around the backyard BBQ grills of Poor Bastards from one end of the Redneck Riviera to the other is that the giant nine pound rats do make a tasty fricassee, which is a good thing considering that summer is just around the corner, and before we know it, beaches throughout the Sunshine State will be lined with hairy, beer-guzzling redneck Yonks who are just chomping at the bit for a taste of something more exotic than a foot-long Oscar Mayer Wiener!
A Florida bubba and his Poor Bastardette girlfriend enjoying a taste of the official Florida state dish...the "hands-only bun-free foot-long wiener!"
Considering that state wildlife officials have had their hands full for the last several years trying to deal with yet another infestation of Titanic proportions, that being the rampant proliferation of African rock pythons and reticulated Burmese pythons in the Florida Everglades, and the complete lack of success they have had in trying to control those non-native species, it should come as no surprise to the rest of Poor Bastard humanity that those same officials have actually been battling the rat infestation for a number of years with little success......"Oh, duh?"
"Honey...look what I found laying out by the pool!"
As the Grand Poo Ba likes to say....."Mother nature bats last!"
Cat-sized African rats survive in Florida
Of course followers of The Poor Bastard's Gazette are no doubt well aware of the Grand Poo Ba's general fear and loathing of just about everything having to do with the Sunshine State.
And perhaps the rest of the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard shouldn't be terribly surprised by anything that happens in this unrefined mecca of illiteracy, cigarette butts, sun-burned beer-guts and Malingering Poor Bastards wearing sleeveless NASCAR tee-shirts and baseball caps turned around backwards - especially considering this is the state that is single-handedly responsible for stinking up the rest of the country with the likes of that Ultimate Presidential Poor Bastard Boy George Bush!
But then, like the Grand Poo Ba's grandma used to say, "we must let bygones be bygones..."
Meanwhile, the word around the backyard BBQ grills of Poor Bastards from one end of the Redneck Riviera to the other is that the giant nine pound rats do make a tasty fricassee, which is a good thing considering that summer is just around the corner, and before we know it, beaches throughout the Sunshine State will be lined with hairy, beer-guzzling redneck Yonks who are just chomping at the bit for a taste of something more exotic than a foot-long Oscar Mayer Wiener!
Considering that state wildlife officials have had their hands full for the last several years trying to deal with yet another infestation of Titanic proportions, that being the rampant proliferation of African rock pythons and reticulated Burmese pythons in the Florida Everglades, and the complete lack of success they have had in trying to control those non-native species, it should come as no surprise to the rest of Poor Bastard humanity that those same officials have actually been battling the rat infestation for a number of years with little success......"Oh, duh?"
As the Grand Poo Ba likes to say....."Mother nature bats last!"
Friday, March 16, 2012
A True Poor Bastard Tale of Woe!
The general rule around here at the editorial desk of the Poor Bastard's Gazette is to try and avoid making too much fun of the Garden-Variety Poor Bastard mass of humanity when they are suffering through times of want and woe, trial and tribulation, pain and suffering or just your run-of-the-mill stroke of temporary misfortune...except in those circumstances which involve:
a) Poor Bastards from the ranks of the Hollywood Glitterati...
b) Political Poor Bastards who float to the top of the Washington DC cesspool...
c) Self-Absorbed Poor Bastards from the surreal world of overpaid, pseudo-important sports figures...
d) Any Poor Bastardette who has the public misfortune of having her picture taken just as she wraps her mouth around a foot-long corny dog...
e) Any Poor Bastard whose misfortune is the direct result of their own ignorance and stupidity...
However, there is that rare occasion when a Poor Bastard Tale of Woe just happens across the desk of the Grand Poo Ba, which is pathetic, sad and pitiful - while at the same time contains an element of basic humor - such that it cannot be ignored as potential cannon fodder by the editorial board here at the Poor Bastard's Gazette....
And today we have just such a story in the sad news concerning 56 year-old Rank & File Poor Bastard Raymond Segura, Jr. who died yesterday after being buried in a mountain of dried pinto beans while working at the Kelley Bean Company in Brush, Colorado!
Yep! That's right folks, Poor Bastard Raymond apparently suffocated after being buried in what police and rescue workers described as a "20-foot high mound of loose pinto beans..." that weighed several tons! Despite the efforts of rescue workers, the Poor Bastard was dead by the time the workers reached him, according to Morgan County Under-Sheriff Dave Martin.
Now that, my friends, is a True Poor Bastard Tale of Woe!
http://news.yahoo.com/colorado-man-buried-under-mound-pinto-beans-dies-032345406.html
a) Poor Bastards from the ranks of the Hollywood Glitterati...
 |
| Degenerate Poor Bastard, CHARLIE SHEEN! |
b) Political Poor Bastards who float to the top of the Washington DC cesspool...
 |
| Congressional Wiener...ANTHONY WIENER |
c) Self-Absorbed Poor Bastards from the surreal world of overpaid, pseudo-important sports figures...
 |
| Pathetic Poor Bastard TIGER WOODS! |
d) Any Poor Bastardette who has the public misfortune of having her picture taken just as she wraps her mouth around a foot-long corny dog...
 |
| Sporting Poor Bastardette MICHELE BACHMANN! ..."You go, girl!" |
e) Any Poor Bastard whose misfortune is the direct result of their own ignorance and stupidity...
BUTT-ROCKET BOY...a True Poor Bastard!
f) Any Poor Bastard or Poor Bastardette who is, well...just a walking, talking image of the Iconic Poor Bastard!
 | ||||
| Reindeer Titty Party Girl and Poor Bastardette! |
 |
| No Comment! |
g ) And last but not least, any Egotistical Poor Bastard who is possessed with sufficient hubris to think that the rest of The Kingdom wants them to be President of the Nation of Poor Bastards and is named "RICK"...or "NEWT"...or "MITT"...or "HERMIE"...
 |
| "Aw shucks, that's just some GOOD HAIR!" |
 | |||||
| "I can smell FRESH SANTORUM..." |
 |
| The King of the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard! |
 |
| "I did NOT screw no white woman!" |
 |
| "Somebody has to clean up that FRESH SANTORUM!" |
However, there is that rare occasion when a Poor Bastard Tale of Woe just happens across the desk of the Grand Poo Ba, which is pathetic, sad and pitiful - while at the same time contains an element of basic humor - such that it cannot be ignored as potential cannon fodder by the editorial board here at the Poor Bastard's Gazette....
And today we have just such a story in the sad news concerning 56 year-old Rank & File Poor Bastard Raymond Segura, Jr. who died yesterday after being buried in a mountain of dried pinto beans while working at the Kelley Bean Company in Brush, Colorado!
Yep! That's right folks, Poor Bastard Raymond apparently suffocated after being buried in what police and rescue workers described as a "20-foot high mound of loose pinto beans..." that weighed several tons! Despite the efforts of rescue workers, the Poor Bastard was dead by the time the workers reached him, according to Morgan County Under-Sheriff Dave Martin.
Now that, my friends, is a True Poor Bastard Tale of Woe!
http://news.yahoo.com/colorado-man-buried-under-mound-pinto-beans-dies-032345406.html
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
High Council Announces the Dunn Award Winners For 2012
The Glitterati may have their Oscars, that unnecessary and forgettable event where High-Tone Hollywood Poor Bastards get together to find out just exactly who it is that Angelina Jolie is f-cking at the moment, but Rank & File Poor Bastards have the Annual Dunn Awards, that memorable time of year when the High Council of the Fraternal Order of The Poor Bastard hands down The Kingdom's top award for being a truly Stupid Dumb-F--k Poor Bastard.
Named after that ultimate Stupid Dumb-F--k Poor Bastard, Ryan Dunn, who only last year sat around at a West Chester, PA, bar all afternoon getting snot-slinging drunk with his pals, only to hop in his Porsche 911T along with an equally dumb-f--k and Doomed Poor Bastard buddy and then proceeded to drive his car over the guardrail of a bridge at 160 mph, wrapping both himself and his best bud around a tree, in a fiery crash that cost both Poor Bastards their lives.
So, in memory of that historic display of inexplicable ignorance, and in an effort to remind us all that the gene pool must constantly be culled, the High Council has decided to name an award in honor of the ultimate Stupid Dumb-F--k Poor Bastard Ryan Dunn.
The first annual Dunn Awards were recently announced by the High Council of the Fraternal Order of The Poor Bastard in conjunction with the recently concluded Oscar ceremonies, and here are the recipients of the top honors:
Named after that ultimate Stupid Dumb-F--k Poor Bastard, Ryan Dunn, who only last year sat around at a West Chester, PA, bar all afternoon getting snot-slinging drunk with his pals, only to hop in his Porsche 911T along with an equally dumb-f--k and Doomed Poor Bastard buddy and then proceeded to drive his car over the guardrail of a bridge at 160 mph, wrapping both himself and his best bud around a tree, in a fiery crash that cost both Poor Bastards their lives.
So, in memory of that historic display of inexplicable ignorance, and in an effort to remind us all that the gene pool must constantly be culled, the High Council has decided to name an award in honor of the ultimate Stupid Dumb-F--k Poor Bastard Ryan Dunn.
The first annual Dunn Awards were recently announced by the High Council of the Fraternal Order of The Poor Bastard in conjunction with the recently concluded Oscar ceremonies, and here are the recipients of the top honors:
Honorable Mention - "Garret"
Third Place - Anonymous
Third Place - Anonymous
Second Place - "Cody"
And the Grand Prize Winner 2012 is - "Butt-Rocket Boy!"
Proving once again that no matter how hard you try, you just can't make this stuff up!
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Poor Bastards Just Love A Good Celebrity Funeral!
If you listen to the mainstream media circus it would sure seem like the great mass of Poor Bastard humanity just loves a good funeral!...And especially one that involves a washed up, aging pop culture icon who has fallen on hard times....And even more so when it involves a washed up, aging pop culture icon who has fallen on hard times due mostly to their own hubris, self-absorbed delusional sense of grandeur, pig-headed stubbornness and completely distorted sense of reality...as was the case with that Ultimate Poor Bastard Michael Jackson and now the once gleaming superstar and Genuinely Pathetic Poor Bastardette Whitney Houston.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/maer-roshan/whitney-houston-and-the-m_1_b_1293390.html
If Whitney Houston's life wasn't destined to be hard enough, what with the drugs and being the cousin of 60's pop music icon Dionne Warwick and all, she only complicated matters by getting married to the forgettable, self-aggrandizing Degenerate Poor Bastard Bobby Brown, whose major claim to fame has been that of being the alleged drug supplier for the out-of-control substance abuse program which ultimately caused the death of Houston on February 11, 2012.
Consistent with the voyeuristic tendencies which are one of the hallmarks of a culture awash in all things near and dear to the Poor Bastard class, the sale of Whitney Houston's records in both the traditional physical media and virtual streaming media had increased ten-fold within 24 hours of her death!...
http://www.businessinsider.com/whitney-houstons-death-has-brought-her-brand-to-life-2012-2
Like the Grand Poo Ba was saying, it sure seems like the great unwashed like nothing better than a nice, juicy celebrity death to sink their collective fangs into; and while the death spectacle which has surrounded Whitney Houston's demise is admittedly no match for the summer-long, made for TV melodrama which unfolded after the death of has-been pop music icon and truly Degenerate Poor Bastard Michael Jackson, the four hour memorial service which preceded her mournful funeral train from the New Hope Baptist Church in Newark, NJ to the Fairview Cemetery in nearby Westfield, NJ was certainly enough to rank as an entertainment spectacle, replete with all the subtext and celebrity drama which always seems to beleaguer a gathering of washed up Poor Bastard Glitterati and Poor Bastard celebrity figures with careers on the wane.
Among the malingering Has-Been Poor Bastards and fading members of the entertainment industry's Poor Bastard Glitterati who attended and/or participated in the service, was none other than Kevin Costner, another aging star whose light is fading fast into the darkness of B-movie scripts and guest appearances on Law and Order: Special Victims Unit.
For his part, Costner was reported to have read a forty-five minute eulogy which largely portrayed Houston as he knew her before she descended into the abyss of drug abuse and helplessness which occurred after the star-crossed Houston became involved with the erstwhile Poor Bastard Bobby Brown....When Costner concluded his tribute, it was said there wasn't a dry eye in the house, as record sales continued to soar through the roof!
Meanwhile as paparazzi and Garden-Variety Poor Bastards lingered on the grounds of the New Hope Baptist Church, hoping to catch a glimpse of Houston's funeral entourage or possibly a living, aging celebrity icon, Degenerate Poor Bastard Bobby Brown arrived, only to be told that all 187 members of his entourage would not be able to sit together inside the church where the memorial service was taking place.
Unwilling to take such an insult lying down, Brown instead quickly paid his respects to his ex-wife and then left the service, headed for the Mohegan Sun Arena in nearby Connecticut, where, after belatedly taking the stage for a performance, he was quoted as saying to the crowd,
"I want to give blessings to my ex-wife, Whitney Houston, I love you. I want to give blessings to my kids, my fiancee (Alicia Etheridge), my brothers, and each of you..." before adding "...And if you didn't already know, I go by the name of Bad-Ass Bobby Brown."
Nothing but class, Big Bobby Bad-Ass.....nothing but class!
Bad-Ass himself is seen here starting to cry after being told that his 187 member entourage would not be seated together at Whitney Houston's memorial service...
Meanwhile back at the ranch, Whitney and Bobby's daughter, Bobbi Kristina Brown, apparently didn't want to let the family tradition of well-publicized drug consumption slip into the historical record as she was reported to have bailed out of the funeral procession to head off to a nearby hotel and get loaded.
http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/02/19/bobbi-kristina-brown-found-getting-high-after-whitney-s-funeral.html
Whitney Houston and daughter Bobbi Kristina
Brown are seen together after a couple of blasts from Bad-Ass Bobby
Brown's bad-ass bong launched them both into the Ozone...
Houston and daughter Bobbi are seen here in happier times, all
piled into Bad-Ass's tricked out, low-down, honky-blastin' ride,
heading out to score a dime bag with one of Big Bobby's peeps!
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/maer-roshan/whitney-houston-and-the-m_1_b_1293390.html
If Whitney Houston's life wasn't destined to be hard enough, what with the drugs and being the cousin of 60's pop music icon Dionne Warwick and all, she only complicated matters by getting married to the forgettable, self-aggrandizing Degenerate Poor Bastard Bobby Brown, whose major claim to fame has been that of being the alleged drug supplier for the out-of-control substance abuse program which ultimately caused the death of Houston on February 11, 2012.
Consistent with the voyeuristic tendencies which are one of the hallmarks of a culture awash in all things near and dear to the Poor Bastard class, the sale of Whitney Houston's records in both the traditional physical media and virtual streaming media had increased ten-fold within 24 hours of her death!...
http://www.businessinsider.com/whitney-houstons-death-has-brought-her-brand-to-life-2012-2
Like the Grand Poo Ba was saying, it sure seems like the great unwashed like nothing better than a nice, juicy celebrity death to sink their collective fangs into; and while the death spectacle which has surrounded Whitney Houston's demise is admittedly no match for the summer-long, made for TV melodrama which unfolded after the death of has-been pop music icon and truly Degenerate Poor Bastard Michael Jackson, the four hour memorial service which preceded her mournful funeral train from the New Hope Baptist Church in Newark, NJ to the Fairview Cemetery in nearby Westfield, NJ was certainly enough to rank as an entertainment spectacle, replete with all the subtext and celebrity drama which always seems to beleaguer a gathering of washed up Poor Bastard Glitterati and Poor Bastard celebrity figures with careers on the wane.
Among the malingering Has-Been Poor Bastards and fading members of the entertainment industry's Poor Bastard Glitterati who attended and/or participated in the service, was none other than Kevin Costner, another aging star whose light is fading fast into the darkness of B-movie scripts and guest appearances on Law and Order: Special Victims Unit.
For his part, Costner was reported to have read a forty-five minute eulogy which largely portrayed Houston as he knew her before she descended into the abyss of drug abuse and helplessness which occurred after the star-crossed Houston became involved with the erstwhile Poor Bastard Bobby Brown....When Costner concluded his tribute, it was said there wasn't a dry eye in the house, as record sales continued to soar through the roof!
Meanwhile as paparazzi and Garden-Variety Poor Bastards lingered on the grounds of the New Hope Baptist Church, hoping to catch a glimpse of Houston's funeral entourage or possibly a living, aging celebrity icon, Degenerate Poor Bastard Bobby Brown arrived, only to be told that all 187 members of his entourage would not be able to sit together inside the church where the memorial service was taking place.
Unwilling to take such an insult lying down, Brown instead quickly paid his respects to his ex-wife and then left the service, headed for the Mohegan Sun Arena in nearby Connecticut, where, after belatedly taking the stage for a performance, he was quoted as saying to the crowd,
"I want to give blessings to my ex-wife, Whitney Houston, I love you. I want to give blessings to my kids, my fiancee (Alicia Etheridge), my brothers, and each of you..." before adding "...And if you didn't already know, I go by the name of Bad-Ass Bobby Brown."
Nothing but class, Big Bobby Bad-Ass.....nothing but class!
Meanwhile back at the ranch, Whitney and Bobby's daughter, Bobbi Kristina Brown, apparently didn't want to let the family tradition of well-publicized drug consumption slip into the historical record as she was reported to have bailed out of the funeral procession to head off to a nearby hotel and get loaded.
http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/02/19/bobbi-kristina-brown-found-getting-high-after-whitney-s-funeral.html
Friday, February 10, 2012
Poor Bastards Throughout The Kingdom Awaken To The Stench Of Fresh Santorum In The Air
The recent republican primaries held in Missouri, Colorado and Minnesota just go to show that the ever-vigilant editorial staff here at the Poor Bastard's Gazette can never afford to rest on our laurels.
As Republican Poor Bastards throughout the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard continue to weigh in with their worthless opinion of which remaining crackpot candidates should be the presidential nominee of the Grand Old Poor Bastard Party, the plot only continues to thicken...Just when Rank & File Poor Bastards thought they had finally rid themselves of that awful stench of stale santorum on their shoes, the ugly specter of a fresh pile of santorum raised its head once again as the republican presidential hopefuls brought their traveling roadshow to the pathetically conservative and hopelessly ignorant states of Colorado, Missouri and Minnesota.
As Poor Bastards head back to the rock pile with a morning-after hangover from the most recent republican primaries, they find themselves faced with the dreadful prospect of Rick-who is that Dan Savage guy anyway-Santorum, back in the presidential spotlight and squarely in a position to give Mitt-The Glit-Romney a run for his money as the republican presidential nominee in 2012.
Riding the coat-tails of the Santorum Sweep in the redneck triangle, right-wing Poor Bastards are salivating over the prospect of fresh santorum in their midst....Meanwhile the rest of the Poor Bastard population is trying to figure out how to get the foul stench of fresh santorum out of the air.
For those of you who are not regular readers of The Poor Bastard's Gazette and therefore may not be aware of the santorum Google Bomb phenomenon we suggest you read the following article at The Huffington Post-
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/06/dan-savage-rick-santorum-google_n_1257300.html
Presidential Hopeful and Right-Wing Poor Bastard Rick-who is that Dan Savage guy anyway-Santorum is seen here doing his impersonation of a gay symphony conductor.
If the results of the recently concluded primaries in the redneck triangle prove anything, it is that conservative Poor Bastards throughout the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard are hopelessly lost in their quest for true leadership, having gone from bad to very bad to the absolute worst possible choice for a candidate, in Rick Santorum.
If anything good can be said of Santorum, we haven't heard it said here at The Gazette. And if anything bad can be said about the buffoon from beyond the realm it can probably be summed up in the words of Santorum himself, as evidenced by this article posted at the thinkprogress.org website-
http://thinkprogress.org/lgbt/2012/01/04/397355/rick-santorums-top-10-most-outrageous-campaign-statements/
Meanwhile Inquiring Poor Bastards everywhere are asking, "...is that a turd Rick-who is that Dan Savage guy anyway-Santorum is biting into?"
As Republican Poor Bastards throughout the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard continue to weigh in with their worthless opinion of which remaining crackpot candidates should be the presidential nominee of the Grand Old Poor Bastard Party, the plot only continues to thicken...Just when Rank & File Poor Bastards thought they had finally rid themselves of that awful stench of stale santorum on their shoes, the ugly specter of a fresh pile of santorum raised its head once again as the republican presidential hopefuls brought their traveling roadshow to the pathetically conservative and hopelessly ignorant states of Colorado, Missouri and Minnesota.
As Poor Bastards head back to the rock pile with a morning-after hangover from the most recent republican primaries, they find themselves faced with the dreadful prospect of Rick-who is that Dan Savage guy anyway-Santorum, back in the presidential spotlight and squarely in a position to give Mitt-The Glit-Romney a run for his money as the republican presidential nominee in 2012.
Riding the coat-tails of the Santorum Sweep in the redneck triangle, right-wing Poor Bastards are salivating over the prospect of fresh santorum in their midst....Meanwhile the rest of the Poor Bastard population is trying to figure out how to get the foul stench of fresh santorum out of the air.
For those of you who are not regular readers of The Poor Bastard's Gazette and therefore may not be aware of the santorum Google Bomb phenomenon we suggest you read the following article at The Huffington Post-
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/06/dan-savage-rick-santorum-google_n_1257300.html
If the results of the recently concluded primaries in the redneck triangle prove anything, it is that conservative Poor Bastards throughout the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard are hopelessly lost in their quest for true leadership, having gone from bad to very bad to the absolute worst possible choice for a candidate, in Rick Santorum.
If anything good can be said of Santorum, we haven't heard it said here at The Gazette. And if anything bad can be said about the buffoon from beyond the realm it can probably be summed up in the words of Santorum himself, as evidenced by this article posted at the thinkprogress.org website-
http://thinkprogress.org/lgbt/2012/01/04/397355/rick-santorums-top-10-most-outrageous-campaign-statements/
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Green Acres v. Petticoat Junction: Republican Primary Heats Up!
You would think that since they are still living in the Neanderthal era down there in South Carolina, it would take a bit longer than 24 hours for all those Poor Bastard republican voters in the Palmetto State to chisel their ballots out of stone, but apparently not.
Maybe the pig farming Corn-Pone Poor Bastards in Iowa could learn a thing or two about how to run an election from the tobacco farming Malingering Poor Bastards in South Carolina, since it has taken them the better part two weeks to count the last 34 votes in the Iowa presidential caucus.
Word around the campfire is that they had to work extra hard to "find" just enough votes to maneuver Santorum to the top of the shit-heap!...Which may explain the long delay in finalizing the vote tally since it can be pretty hard to find something that may not even exist!
As of Sunday morning election officials in Petticoat Junction, South Carolina are reporting that Poor Bastard Newt Gingrich has logged a resounding victory over Mitt-The Glit-Romney in the South Carolina republican presidential primary...Meanwhile the Corn-Pone Poor Bastards in Iowa have apparently put their heads together and figured out how to count to 34...which is the margin of victory they now say separates Artificial Poor Bastard Mitt Romney and Homophobic Poor Bastard Rick-who is that Dan Savage guy anyway-Santorum, after almost two weeks of trying to tally up the final vote count in Hooterville!
What all this means for the rest of the Rank & File Poor Bastards throughout The Kingdom of The Poor Bastard is not clear at this time. But we have learned some important lessons over the last few weeks, so let's review!
-Pathetic Homophobic Poor Bastard Rick Santorum's belated "victory" in the Iowa caucus has shown not only that the Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard republicans over in Green Acres are even dumber than Barney Fife...But perhaps more importantly it confirms just how difficult it is to get rid of that messy Santorum when you step in a big pile of it wearing your Sunday best!
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Rick%20Santorum
-Mitt-The Glit-Romney's narrow miss in the Green Acres Caucus earlier this month, and his outright shellacking in the Petticoat Junction Primary on Saturday, proves once and for all that right-wing fundamentalist Baptist Poor Bastards always trump right-wing neo-colonial Mormon Poor Bastards who wear funny underwear and do their churchin' up on Saturday....Don't they know that Saturday is the day they run NASCAR races?...Duuuuuh?
Artificial Poor Bastard Mitt-The Glit-Romney is seen here suiting up in the appropriate attire to clean up all that messy Santorum he found himself covered in after the hotly contested Iowa Caucus, which after almost two weeks, officials in Hooterville, IA now say was won by the Homophobic Poor Bastard Rick Santorum - whose biggest claim to fame prior to his narrow victory in the home state of Arnold the Pig, had been the fact that syndicated columnist and outspoken gay rights advocate Dan Savage, had successfully managed to establish Santorum's name as being synonymous with an absolutely nauseating substance which is apparently a by-product of a certain sexual act.
-The whopping margin of victory earned by the degenerate, self-absorbed Congressional Poor Bastard Newt-the man who would be king-Gingrich in the Petticoat Junction Primary confirms two important things about bible-thumping, right-wing republican Poor Bastards in places like South Carolina.
One is that they really do possess a fifteen minute attention span apparently being unable to remember back to the day when their beloved Newter was embroiled in one controversy after another all having to do with which wife had previously been his mistress before he had divorced the current wife, but which didn't occur until after he had started boning his future wife, who in turn would subsequently become an ex-wife as he started cozying up with yet another future wife in the form of a new mistress....or something like that!
The second is that among the Self-Righteous Poor Bastard Class - which are thick as flies at a church picnic or sweating fat ladies at a tent revival in places like South Carolina - hypocrisy and the old double-standard of "do what I say, not what I do", are alive and well among the politically illiterate Indigenous Poor Bastard population!
Congressional Quitter, Serial Adulterer, Failed Monarch and Revitalized Poor Bastard Newt Gingrich reacts to the smell of decaying Santorum on his opponent Mitt-the glit-Romney's shoes...
But perhaps the most enlightening and entertaining excerpt from the weekend's political circus is the fact that at least 1,000 votes were cast by Malingering Poor Bastards in Saturday's Petticoat Junction Primary for the dearly departed and once Aspiring Poor Bastard Herman - I didn't screw no white woman - Cain, even though Hermie had announced his departure from the campaign campaign trail almost two months ago!
While the rest of The Kingdom is asking, "...and why exactly is it that we let them vote?"
Maybe the pig farming Corn-Pone Poor Bastards in Iowa could learn a thing or two about how to run an election from the tobacco farming Malingering Poor Bastards in South Carolina, since it has taken them the better part two weeks to count the last 34 votes in the Iowa presidential caucus.
Word around the campfire is that they had to work extra hard to "find" just enough votes to maneuver Santorum to the top of the shit-heap!...Which may explain the long delay in finalizing the vote tally since it can be pretty hard to find something that may not even exist!
As of Sunday morning election officials in Petticoat Junction, South Carolina are reporting that Poor Bastard Newt Gingrich has logged a resounding victory over Mitt-The Glit-Romney in the South Carolina republican presidential primary...Meanwhile the Corn-Pone Poor Bastards in Iowa have apparently put their heads together and figured out how to count to 34...which is the margin of victory they now say separates Artificial Poor Bastard Mitt Romney and Homophobic Poor Bastard Rick-who is that Dan Savage guy anyway-Santorum, after almost two weeks of trying to tally up the final vote count in Hooterville!
What all this means for the rest of the Rank & File Poor Bastards throughout The Kingdom of The Poor Bastard is not clear at this time. But we have learned some important lessons over the last few weeks, so let's review!
-Pathetic Homophobic Poor Bastard Rick Santorum's belated "victory" in the Iowa caucus has shown not only that the Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard republicans over in Green Acres are even dumber than Barney Fife...But perhaps more importantly it confirms just how difficult it is to get rid of that messy Santorum when you step in a big pile of it wearing your Sunday best!
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Rick%20Santorum
-Mitt-The Glit-Romney's narrow miss in the Green Acres Caucus earlier this month, and his outright shellacking in the Petticoat Junction Primary on Saturday, proves once and for all that right-wing fundamentalist Baptist Poor Bastards always trump right-wing neo-colonial Mormon Poor Bastards who wear funny underwear and do their churchin' up on Saturday....Don't they know that Saturday is the day they run NASCAR races?...Duuuuuh?
-The whopping margin of victory earned by the degenerate, self-absorbed Congressional Poor Bastard Newt-the man who would be king-Gingrich in the Petticoat Junction Primary confirms two important things about bible-thumping, right-wing republican Poor Bastards in places like South Carolina.
One is that they really do possess a fifteen minute attention span apparently being unable to remember back to the day when their beloved Newter was embroiled in one controversy after another all having to do with which wife had previously been his mistress before he had divorced the current wife, but which didn't occur until after he had started boning his future wife, who in turn would subsequently become an ex-wife as he started cozying up with yet another future wife in the form of a new mistress....or something like that!
The second is that among the Self-Righteous Poor Bastard Class - which are thick as flies at a church picnic or sweating fat ladies at a tent revival in places like South Carolina - hypocrisy and the old double-standard of "do what I say, not what I do", are alive and well among the politically illiterate Indigenous Poor Bastard population!
But perhaps the most enlightening and entertaining excerpt from the weekend's political circus is the fact that at least 1,000 votes were cast by Malingering Poor Bastards in Saturday's Petticoat Junction Primary for the dearly departed and once Aspiring Poor Bastard Herman - I didn't screw no white woman - Cain, even though Hermie had announced his departure from the campaign campaign trail almost two months ago!
While the rest of The Kingdom is asking, "...and why exactly is it that we let them vote?"
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Has-Been Poor Bastard Chuck Norris Endorses The Man Who Would Be King!
It has been evident for decades that Has-Been Poor Bastard karate-man Chuck Norris couldn't act his way out of a paper bag - strutting around in front of the camera like he had a hot poker stuck up his ass and mumbling his lines like he was doing a bad impersonation of The Terminator - but apparently the Poor Bastard's punch-drunk brain doesn't work at all based on this latest report from the desk of some backroom Hollywood spin doctor who obviously needs to find a more fulfilling line of work!
http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/ticket/chuck-norris-endorses-newt-gingrich-224223391.html
It seems the Poor Bastard whose washed-up acting career has included such classic television drivel as "Walker, Texas Ranger" has decided to endorse Newt Gingrich's presidential candidacy after learning that Crackpot Poor Bastard and former razorback governor Mike Huckabee had been officially declared too stupid to run for president.
To add insult to stupidity Kung-fu Carlos has also made the mistake of thinking that the rest of us Poor Bastards actually give a big fat rat's ass about who he feels should be the exalted leader of The Kingdom of The Poor Bastard.
The Grand Poo Ba isn't sure which figure is more pathetic...a has-been, 1970's era d-grade actor who has been relegated to the
cable-wonderland infomercial circuit to keep off the unemployment
line?
Or a washed-up, bloated male chauvinist political hack from the backwoods of the Peach State; who is seen here dressed for his role as the official Court Jester of the Presidential Poor Bastard Class of 2012!
http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/ticket/chuck-norris-endorses-newt-gingrich-224223391.html
It seems the Poor Bastard whose washed-up acting career has included such classic television drivel as "Walker, Texas Ranger" has decided to endorse Newt Gingrich's presidential candidacy after learning that Crackpot Poor Bastard and former razorback governor Mike Huckabee had been officially declared too stupid to run for president.
To add insult to stupidity Kung-fu Carlos has also made the mistake of thinking that the rest of us Poor Bastards actually give a big fat rat's ass about who he feels should be the exalted leader of The Kingdom of The Poor Bastard.
Or a washed-up, bloated male chauvinist political hack from the backwoods of the Peach State; who is seen here dressed for his role as the official Court Jester of the Presidential Poor Bastard Class of 2012!
Friday, January 20, 2012
Whiskey: A Matter Of Principle!
The Poor Bastard's Gazette Joke of The Week once again comes to us from Gary (Studs) Nebgen, a lifelong resident of The Great State of Texas...And while it isn't really a "joke" in the classic sense of the word, it is, none-the-less, classic Poor Bastard Logic in every sense of the meaning!
Gary is a native son of the Texas Hill Country and one of the Original Poor Bastards, who has been one of the Grand Poo Ba's longstanding sidekicks and drinking buddies for the better part of 40 years....
And if I might say so myself, I think ol' Studs Nebgen has outdone himself this time!
Gary is a native son of the Texas Hill Country and one of the Original Poor Bastards, who has been one of the Grand Poo Ba's longstanding sidekicks and drinking buddies for the better part of 40 years....
And if I might say so myself, I think ol' Studs Nebgen has outdone himself this time!
WHISKEY
In
1952, Armon M. Sweat, Jr., a member of the Texas House of Representatives, was
asked about his position on whiskey. What follows is his exact answer (taken
from the Political Archives of Texas):
"If you mean whiskey, the devil's brew, the poison scourge, the bloody monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home, creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of little children; if you mean that evil drink that topples Christian men and women from the pinnacles of righteous and gracious living into the bottomless pit of degradation, shame, despair, helplessness, and hopelessness, then, my friend, I am opposed to it with every fiber of my being.
However, if by whiskey you mean the lubricant of conversation, the philosophic juice, the elixir of life, the liquid that is consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if you mean Christmas cheer, the stimulating sip that puts a little spring in the step of an elderly gentleman on a frosty morning; if you mean that drink that enables man to magnify his joy, and to forget life's great tragedies and heartbreaks and sorrow; if you mean that drink the sale of which pours into our treasuries untold millions of dollars each year, that provides tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest highways, hospitals, universities, and community colleges in this nation, then my friend, I am absolutely, unequivocally in favor of it.
This is my position, and as always, I refuse to compromise on matters of principle."
"If you mean whiskey, the devil's brew, the poison scourge, the bloody monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home, creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of little children; if you mean that evil drink that topples Christian men and women from the pinnacles of righteous and gracious living into the bottomless pit of degradation, shame, despair, helplessness, and hopelessness, then, my friend, I am opposed to it with every fiber of my being.
However, if by whiskey you mean the lubricant of conversation, the philosophic juice, the elixir of life, the liquid that is consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if you mean Christmas cheer, the stimulating sip that puts a little spring in the step of an elderly gentleman on a frosty morning; if you mean that drink that enables man to magnify his joy, and to forget life's great tragedies and heartbreaks and sorrow; if you mean that drink the sale of which pours into our treasuries untold millions of dollars each year, that provides tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest highways, hospitals, universities, and community colleges in this nation, then my friend, I am absolutely, unequivocally in favor of it.
This is my position, and as always, I refuse to compromise on matters of principle."
You have to admit they just don't make Poor Bastards like Armon Sweat, Jr. anymore!
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Presidential Poor Bastard Mitt Romney Wears Funny Underwear!
It has been rumored for years that Mormons wear funny underwear as part of some weird religious belief system...Sources even say that Mormons in the military can purchase camouflage Mormon underwear so they have a matched set to go along with their battle fatigues.
The Grand Poo Ba just received this photo from a source who wishes to remain anonymous, showing Mitt Romney and the little lady Ann wearing their matching set of the Emporor's underwear!
Poor Bastards will no doubt appreciate the on-board cod-piece that old Mitt is sporting...
Or as Poor Bastards call it... the "cock-sock!"
Now that's what the editorial staff here at The Poor Bastard's Gazette call a real "Presidential Looking Poor Bastard!"
The Grand Poo Ba just received this photo from a source who wishes to remain anonymous, showing Mitt Romney and the little lady Ann wearing their matching set of the Emporor's underwear!
Or as Poor Bastards call it... the "cock-sock!"
Now that's what the editorial staff here at The Poor Bastard's Gazette call a real "Presidential Looking Poor Bastard!"
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Sarah Palin Picks Fight With Critic...
http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/cutline/sarah-palin-slams-newsweek-giving-conspiracy-kook-writer-175811299.html
Man o' man.....I'm holding my breath!...This could be the big break I need!
Monday, January 16, 2012
The Bell Tolls For Many Presidential Poor Bastards!
Well, as January starts to wind down and Poor Bastards throughout The Realm get back to the business of anointing an Exalted Poor Bastard to lead the down-trodden mass of humanity that H.L. Mencken referred to as "the great unwashed", we see those Perennial Poor Bastards over at the republican primary camp finally beginning to grow road-weary after two-plus years of grinding away on the presidential campaign stump!
The last month or so has brought about a rash of surrenders from the right-wing faction of The Kingdom's political class known as the "republican party." It seems like only yesterday that the campaign trail was littered with Floundering Poor Bastards, the likes of which included such notable personages as-
Sarah-my daughter ain't no drunken teenaged tramp-Palin, http://wonkette.com/448008/riveting-new-bristol-palin-memoir-tells-how-to-get-pregnant-while-drunk
Michele-I never saw a weenie this big-Bachmann-
Mike-I'm even too stupid to be president-Huckabee, http://thisiswhyyourestupid.com/2011/05/mike-huckabee/
Tim-what public office DID I get elected to anyway-Pawlenty, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/29/tim-pawlenty-least-influential-person-gq_n_1118675.html
Rick-just who is that Dan Savage guy-Santorum, http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/602a41c3d7/dan-savage-s-new-threat-to-rick-santorum
Ron-I'm gonna run for president until I die-Paul, http://www.newsytype.com/6158-ron-paul-running-for-president/
Rick-what's wrong with pissing on dead bad guys-Perry, http://www.bostonherald.com/news/us_politics/view/20120116rick_perry_says_marines_who_urinated_on_dead_bodies_are_kids/srvc=home&position=recent
John-I gotta quit spending so much time with Poor Bastard republicans-Huntsman,
http://www.indecisionforever.com/2012/01/16/jon-huntsman-quits-race-to-spend-less-time-with-republican-voters/
Mitt-I ain't got no "Mormon problem"-Romney, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kd0N_4xM-o
And the soon to be forgotten-
Herman-I didn't screw no white woman-Cain, http://articles.businessinsider.com/2011-11-28/politics/30449419_1_herman-cain-sexual-harassment-accusations-cain-train
The Huntsman camp announced this past weekend that Big John was stepping down to begin putting as much distance as possible between their guy and the Crackpot Poor Bastards in the republican party...with the hope that 2016 might offer a better presidential opportunity for the ex-governor of Utah...Which in the Grand Poo Ba's opinion is the most frightening principality in the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard!
Huntsman's anticipated departure from the campaign trail leaves us with perennial Poor Bastard presidential candidate Ron Paul, who it seems has been running for president since the Grand Poo Ba was in high school...
The nagging nuisance Newt Gingrich, who was disappointed to learn only last week that he wouldn't be allowed to become the official King of the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard...
The Foolish Poor Bastard from the Great State, Texas Governor Rick-Governor Goodhair-Perry, who only this morning publicly defended the young Marines who were caught on video urinating on the corpses of alleged Taliban fighters in Afghanistan....
"Hell-bells" said 'ol Rick,
"...they's just kids havin' a little fun!....why when I was in college we used to set off M-80 firecrackers under the ass of our roommates when they was takin' a crap...!"
"...hehehe!....boy-howdy them was the good 'ol days!"
And last but not least the Silver-Spoon Poor Bastard Mitt Romney - a true white man among white men - who is all but certain to become the next Presidential Poor Bastard candidate to represent the republicans in their effort to unseat incumbent democratic Poor Bastard Barack O-Blah-Blah-Bama...in what promises to be true media circus in this Romanesque Age of Spectacle which the Rank & File Poor Bastard class find themselves living today!
The last month or so has brought about a rash of surrenders from the right-wing faction of The Kingdom's political class known as the "republican party." It seems like only yesterday that the campaign trail was littered with Floundering Poor Bastards, the likes of which included such notable personages as-
Sarah-my daughter ain't no drunken teenaged tramp-Palin, http://wonkette.com/448008/riveting-new-bristol-palin-memoir-tells-how-to-get-pregnant-while-drunk
Michele-I never saw a weenie this big-Bachmann-
Mike-I'm even too stupid to be president-Huckabee, http://thisiswhyyourestupid.com/2011/05/mike-huckabee/
Tim-what public office DID I get elected to anyway-Pawlenty, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/29/tim-pawlenty-least-influential-person-gq_n_1118675.html
Donald-what's my hair got to do with it-Trump-
Ron-I'm gonna run for president until I die-Paul, http://www.newsytype.com/6158-ron-paul-running-for-president/
Rick-what's wrong with pissing on dead bad guys-Perry, http://www.bostonherald.com/news/us_politics/view/20120116rick_perry_says_marines_who_urinated_on_dead_bodies_are_kids/srvc=home&position=recent
Newt-why can't I be king-Gingrich-
John-I gotta quit spending so much time with Poor Bastard republicans-Huntsman,
http://www.indecisionforever.com/2012/01/16/jon-huntsman-quits-race-to-spend-less-time-with-republican-voters/
Mitt-I ain't got no "Mormon problem"-Romney, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kd0N_4xM-o
And the soon to be forgotten-
Herman-I didn't screw no white woman-Cain, http://articles.businessinsider.com/2011-11-28/politics/30449419_1_herman-cain-sexual-harassment-accusations-cain-train
The Huntsman camp announced this past weekend that Big John was stepping down to begin putting as much distance as possible between their guy and the Crackpot Poor Bastards in the republican party...with the hope that 2016 might offer a better presidential opportunity for the ex-governor of Utah...Which in the Grand Poo Ba's opinion is the most frightening principality in the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard!
Huntsman's anticipated departure from the campaign trail leaves us with perennial Poor Bastard presidential candidate Ron Paul, who it seems has been running for president since the Grand Poo Ba was in high school...
The nagging nuisance Newt Gingrich, who was disappointed to learn only last week that he wouldn't be allowed to become the official King of the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard...The Foolish Poor Bastard from the Great State, Texas Governor Rick-Governor Goodhair-Perry, who only this morning publicly defended the young Marines who were caught on video urinating on the corpses of alleged Taliban fighters in Afghanistan....
"...they's just kids havin' a little fun!....why when I was in college we used to set off M-80 firecrackers under the ass of our roommates when they was takin' a crap...!"
"...hehehe!....boy-howdy them was the good 'ol days!"
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