EDITOR'S NOTE: Due to the potentially gruesome subject matter the editorial board at The Poor Bastard's Gazette has decided not to include photographic illustrations in today's blog post.
Last night, while channel surfing through 200 channels of mindless television programming on his Chinese-made Sony flat screen TV, the
Grand Poo Ba was struck by the endless variety of
body hair management products being sold on late night television.
Whether it is a pill, potion, procedure or specially designed equipment, it seems there is no shortage of products being peddled via the late night infomercial format; perhaps to allow
Poor Bastards and
Bastardettes the chance to make their body hair management purchases in the privacy of their own castle and away from prying eyes...
Upon further investigation
yours truly has also learned that there are a wide variety of sources on the internet where concerned
Poor Bastards may purchase the tools of the trade along with a myriad of potions, ointments, salves and elixirs all claiming either to remove unwanted body hair, or to generate new growth in those rare locations where it hasn't started to grow like wild mushrooms in a cow pasture...
So the editorial board here at the
Poor Bastards Gazette thought it might be useful to publish a primer on body hair management as a public service for those
Poor Bastards who either haven't reached the age where body hair management has almost become a part-time job and those rare individuals who don't seem to be plagued by the "growing" problem of body hair management and the
Aging Poor Bastard.
Before we get started it might prove useful to review some of the terminology used in the field of body hair management-
BHM - An acronym for the term "body hair management." Body hair management refers to the intentional use of tools, procedures, supplements and topical applications in an effort to reduce the proliferation of unwanted and unsightly body hair; or conversely to encourage the growth of hair in those rare locations where it stubbornly refuses to grow.
Generally speaking the term is used in reference to an
Aging Poor Bastard or
Bastardette who, prior to the onset of middle age, did not require an extended inventory of specialized equipment and potions to keep things in check. The condition is generally not manifested in women to the extent it occurs in men, but this may simply be because women are more accustomed to dealing with unsightly body hair issues throughout their lifetime and therefore may simply be ahead of the curve when the real trouble starts!
Reaganoma - A sniglet* that was coined by comedian
Rich Hall in the 1980's which refers to those unsightly ear and nose hairs that spring up seemingly overnight; often causing public embarrassment for the
Unfortunate Poor Bastard who leaves out for work in the morning without taking the time for proper inspection of these critical body hair locations.
Phil Spector - A sniglet coined by the
Grand Poo Ba after watching the televised trial of the
Degenerate Poor Bastard Phil Spector who, as anyone who has ever seen Phil in his full splendor knows, is a walking advertisement for the body hair management industry.
A
Phil Spector is similar in some respects to a
Reaganoma with the exception that a
Phil Spector can occur anywhere above the neckline; whereas a
Reaganoma is strictly limited to nose and ear protuberances. A
Phil Spector is characterized by a seeming lack of concern on the part of the
Poor Bastard who suffers from this unfortunate condition.
Quilt - The condition that exists when a
Poor Bastard has such a puffy plume of body hair on the back and/or chest that shirts, and other upper torso attire, take on a quilt-like quality. The condition is sometimes difficult to detect unless you are a
Poor Bastardette who has the misfortune of getting up close and personal with the affected party.
Patch - Similar to a
quilt except that the excess body hair is limited to a definable geometric shape on a particular area of the body...such as the common "V" shaped chest hair
patch seen on many overweight, aging white male
Poor Bastards on
Southern California beaches.
Chrome-Dome - A generic slang term used to describe the condition wherein hair has stopped growing altogether on the top of a
Poor Bastard's head. This condition differs distinctly from a shaved head, which is a voluntary act resulting in the five o' clock shadow effect on the shaved scalp area. Whereas with a
chrome-dome there is no five o'clock shadow because there is no hair trying to emerge from beneath the skin. A cleaned and well shined
chrome-dome can be easily mistaken for a cue ball from a distance.
Fringe - That condition which exists when a
Poor Bastard suffering from male pattern baldness has a neat little band of residual hair that grows like a ring around Saturn from temple to temple, just below the
chrome-dome!
One of the worst BHM strategies is when a
Poor Bastard struggling with
fringe decides to let it grow down to shoulder-length or longer; resulting in the
aging hippie from Berkley look, commonly found among residents of the
Pacific Northwest.
Hairy Lebanese - A generic reference (not intended as an ethnic slur against those of Lebanese heritage) to any
Poor Bastard with an abundance of out of control body hair which is so excessive that it cannot be contained with clothing. The typical
hairy Lebanese will often look like a walking volcanic eruption with hair emerging at every available escape route along the perimeter of upper body attire.
Particularly noticeable is the condition where the excess hair is frothing out around the collar area, continuing up the neck and merging with the hair on the head and face of the affected
Poor Bastard...resulting in an almost Sasquatch-like appearance.
To be continued.......
* The concept of sniglets was originated by the aforementioned comedian Rich Hall; who defines a sniglet..."a word that isn't in the dictionary, but should be..."
