For Whom The Bell Tolls....

Various and sundry Poor Bastards from throughout the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard are waiting with bated breath for the final announcement as to exactly which K-Mart and Sear's locations will be closing their doors as part of a fiscal belt-tightening that was announced by the parent company earlier this week.

Rumors have been flying ever since the Sears Holding Corp. announced that it was closing a total of 117 Sear's and K-Mart locations as the company continues its struggle to remain profitable. As it stands it looks like the state of Florida will be the hardest hit after the company released a preliminary list of 79 locations which are scheduled for closure in the coming months.

Perhaps the news is not all that surprising for those familiar with the Poor Bastard Demographics of the Sunshine State, which aside from the Great State of Texas, is the indigenous breeding ground of more Poor Bastards per square foot than any other habitat on earth.

Aside from the general impact of the economic downturn which has plagued the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard for several years now, the Sunshine State has been hit by one of the worst real estate declines in the history of The Kingdom. 

Gripped with fear and loathing as some local markets in Florida continue to run a 75% off fire sale on cheap condos and sloppily built "cracker-shack" houses, many Sun-Roasted Poor Bastards along the Redneck Riviera and elsewhere have simply abandoned the nest and headed north to parts unknown; seeking miserable job opportunities in seemingly more prosperous environs.


As the Poor Bastard exodus and general economic malaise among residents of the Sunshine State continues, old school  retailers such as Sears and K-Mart have found it increasingly more difficult to compete with the shameless Chinese import specialists like Walmart, Sam's Club, Costco and Target.

Although Florida tops the list with eleven stores scheduled for the chopping block, the state of Georgia - in what economists believe may be something of a spillover effect - is running a strong second with six stores scheduled for closure in the nation's 13th Colony. Poor Bastards in that miserable Redneck Heaven have been seen running to catch up with the long line of fleeing relatives and fellow Poor Bastards from Florida who continue to pass through the Peach State on their way to more promising locales north of the Mason-Dixon Line.

In an effort to lift the spirits of the Poor Bastard population, Florida lawmakers decided to declare an open season on political leaders who have been largely blamed for the state's disastrous economic situation....Within weeks of the announcement this Sporting Poor Bastard accidentally shot and killed this wild hog after mistaking it for a prominent Florida republican.

Holiday Greetings From The High Council...

The High Council of the Fraternal Order of The Poor Bastard and the Grand Poo Ba would like to extend a warm Holiday Greeting to all the Poor Bastards throughout The Realm...

May the New Year bring joy and good tidings to you all.

And now as a little reminder of how good most of us actually have things in this Land of Want and Woe - otherwise known as the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard - here are a few Holiday images to remind us all of just what Poor Bastards some folks really are-

A True Poor Bastard Santa-

"Yo ho ho Merry Christmas, and peace brother..."

And under the category of Some Poor Bastards Simply Have No Shame...

Let's see, Nike hat..."Just Do It!"...

Light Beer from Miller, just "Swill It!"...

Body-hair by Godzilla..."Just Kill It!"...

Underwear by BVD..."Just Forget It!"

Christmas time in the Poor Bastard household is filled with holiday cheer and the Spirit of the Season as evidenced by this classic...

The True Poor Bastard Christmas Tree-

 In the True Poor Bastard household the Christmas celebration just doesn't get any better than this....

This Poor Bastardette certainly deserves an "A" for creativity...and maybe a sloppy, wet kiss from Santa..."come here little girl...and sit on Santa's knee..."

And just to prove once again that the Poor Bastard condition is either genetic or at the very least a by-product of upbringing, we offer this photographic evidence of how the malaise can affect even the youngest among us-

As The Sun Sets on 2011....

As the illustrious Year of Our Lord 2011 A.D. begins to wind down, the Grand Poo Ba was delighted to open up the daily news feed only to find a virtual plethora of Genuine Poor Bastard Tales of Woe..


From the AP Wire -

Naked man jumps from ambulance, dies on CA freeway

http://news.yahoo.com/naked-man-jumps-ambulance-dies-ca-freeway-203756409.html

Student leaves $172,000 violin on Philly-bound bus

http://news.yahoo.com/student-leaves-172-000-violin-philly-bound-bus-104137675.html 


 Random Flotsam-

Pregnant Beyonce Steps Out in Animal-Print Leggings

http://music.yahoo.com/blogs/heard/pregnant-beyonce-steps-animal-print-leggings-165348903.html


YIKES!

 

Trump Switches Voter Registration to Independent, Leaves GOP

http://www.nbcnewyork.com/news/local/Donald-Trump-Party-Affiliation-Republican-GOP-Independent-136153788.html

Who Dat?...Walkin' with da Trumpster?

And of course last but not least, the Grand Poo Ba's favorite Poor Bastard Tale of Woe for the 2011 Christmas Season, is the story about the Genuine Poor Bastard from Utah who, after winning a $380,000 Lamborghini in a convenience store drawing, somehow managed to crash the car on his way home...

Leaving Inquiring Poor Bastards to wonder whether or not this True Poor Bastard is aware that he is going to owe a hundred grand in gift taxes on his lime-green wreckage?

Poor Bastard Christmas Joke of The Week

Once again a Poor Bastard reader from the Great State of Texas has submitted the Poor Bastard Joke of The Week, just in time for all you Christmas shoppers out there in the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard- A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.  She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades. She says to him, "Excuse me, sir.  Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway...... He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted.  Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around? The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?" He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50." She paid it and left without saying a word.

Entire U.S. Political Establishment Diagnosed With Terminal Stupidity

In a shocking announcement government officials have announced that the entire U.S. political establishment has been diagnosed with a case of Terminal Stupidity. Doctors say that when combined with uncontrolled greed and hubris, the life expectancy of the affected Poor Bastards is likely less than one election cycle.

 When asked if there was any hope of survival, officials stated the situation does not look promising. While General Stupidity is typically not a fatal disease doctors say that in the case of the U.S. Congress, the Terminal Stupidity which now threatens the very future of the institution, it is not unlike a common cold that, when left untreated, can progress into a life threatening condition such as pneumonia.






Leaders from around the world greeted the news with mixed reactions. One notable European leader who asked to remain anonymous has suggested that most people probably won't notice that much difference, considering the level of ignorance and incompetence which has permeated U.S. politics in recent years.

The reaction of common folk and Garden-Variety Poor Bastards from around the country have been almost universally favorable with the vast majority offering to do whatever they can to help speed the process along.

Gay Mississippi Mayor Latest to Earn True Poor Bastard Title

If ever there was anyone who deserved to title True Poor Bastard it has to be Southhaven, Mississippi Mayor Greg Davis. The republican mayor of Mississippi's third largest city has been fighting for his political life in recent months after allegations that he misused $170,000 in public funds.

According to the Memphis Commercial-Appeal the Poor Bastard's problems began when an audit of city records revealed that Davis had used city funds to pay for ".....thousands of dollars worth of liquor, expensive dinners, and a $67 charge at Priape, a Toronto store described by its website as “Canada’s premiere gay lifestyle store and sex shop.”...Which only begs the question that all Inquiring Poor Bastards are asking...

"If you are going to steal $170,000 of public funds, and ruin your political career in the process, and then travel all the way to Canada to visit a "gay lifestyle store and sex shop"...why on earth would you only buy $67 worth of booty-loot?


The True Poor Bastard Mayor, a divorced father of three, has built a political career as a "conservative republican", and in the past has campaigned on a platform of "family values", including an unsuccessful 2008 run for the U.S. Congress; a position which he would obviously fit right into if he had managed to win!

Meanwhile in other news around and about the Kingdom of the Poor Bastard, the Grand Poo Ba has finally made it back into the saddle after an extended absence due to a protracted bout with the flu, no doubt contracted during a long and arduous journey throughout the far reaches of the Kingdom which took him from the sunny confines of Florida's Redneck Riviera up into the backwoods of the Tar Heel State, on over the the Great State of Texas and finally up into the very heart of the Sooner State with a visit to OK City.....

Upon his return to the rainy confines of the Beaver State (ahhhh, nothing like being home among the Beavers!) the Grand Poo Ba was almost immediately stricken with a stubborn and enduring version of what the ex-wife used to call "the creeping crud!"

But enough of the personal trials of the Grand Poo Ba, it's time to move on to more pressing matters...like presidential politics!

During his absence it would certainly appear that the Grand Old Party of Poor Bastards, otherwise known as the "Republican Party" has just about completed a Democratic Party-like meltdown right in time for the republican presidential primaries.

When we last visited the Grand Poo Ba during his travels, the leading contender in the circus-like clamor among republican hopefuls was none other than Poor Bastard Herman Cain, the "godfather of pizza" and silver-tongued devil, whose Baptist Preacher-like sing/song delivery and near constant wagging of his right index finger at his audience, had placed him squarely in the Mix of Fools who had assembled to mount an assault on the evil-doer himself.....President Barack O-Blah-Blah-Bama.

Hermie it seems had a real problem buried in his closet of skeletons as it appears he either diddled, or attempted to diddle, every white woman on planet earth at least one time during his tenure as America's icon to corporate success among the minority classes.

The final nail in Hermie's coffin appears to have been the allegations made by one Ginger White, who came forward in late November, claiming in an interview with Atlanta TV station WAGA, that she had a 13-year-affair with Cain....In response the Presidential Poor Bastard's spin doctors mounted the by then well-worn refrain that she was a "troubled woman with financial and legal problems..."

Troubled or not, it would ultimately turn out that the allegations held at least a "ring" of truth after cell phone records were produced which clearly documented an endless stream of late night and early morning phone call between the alleged love birds...and which in turn spelled T-R-O-U-B-L-E and D-O-O-M for the Poor Bastard who once waived the stupid stick at campaign crowds and waived his personal pepperoni at women throughout The Realm!

When confronted with the evidence the Poor Bastard, and soon to be ex-republican party presidential candidate, explained that he had only provided financial support and counsel to the "troubled" woman, leaving Poor Bastards throughout the Kingdom to wonder exactly what kind of moral and financial support it is that one provides during 4:00AM phone sex call?

"Back to the pizza sauce on the stove, Hermie!"


Next Up.....


Newt Gingrich - The Man Who Wants To Be King.

Stay tuned!

Poor Bastards Run Amuck at Walmart Stores Throughout The Kingdom

In a display of Genuine Poor Bastard behavior, the likes of which can only be likened to the pandemonium that occurs when free cigarettes are given away at a NASCAR event, Poor Bastards throughout The Realm have broken out in a feeding frenzy of mindless greed and avaricious at local Walmart stores throughout the Kingdom of the Poor Bastard.


 In spite of the notorious displays of senseless ignorance and slavish behavior for which Black Friday has become known, this year's display is one for the record books as the reports keep coming in.

After it was reported early Friday morning that a Degenerate Poor Bastardette had pepper sprayed a crowd of Malingering Poor Bastards in a Los Angeles area Walmart, in an effort to clear the way for her to secure some form of bargain priced consumer electronics, reports started piling in from around The Kingdom as the mayhem and madness increased throughout the day...

Myrtle Beach, SC - an Unfortunate Poor Bastardette attempting to stow away her goods in the trunk of a car was shot by a robber who had approached the woman after she exited a nearby Walmart with a group of friends


Kinston, NC - off-duty police officers, working as security guards for a Walmart in Kinston, NC, had to use pepper spray to gain control of a crowd of Rowdy Poor Bastards who had assembled at a local Walmart, waiting to snatch up bargain priced electronics.





San Leandro, CA -a local man was shot outside a Walmart store during an attempted robbery after robbers confronted a group of Poor Bastards who had just emerged from the Walmart, mass quantities of cheap Chinese goods in hand...

Cave Creek, AZ - shopping was halted and a local Walmart store was evacuated after an explosive device was found in an employee break room. No doubt the result of at least one Poor Bastard employee who had simply had enough!

New York City - a group of  Thieving Poor Bastard shoppers who had apparently grown tired of waiting for a Hollister's department store to open on Thursday morning decided to take matters into their own hands and proceeded to break into the store and steal large quantities of clothing.

Pandemonium breaks out as Shameless Poor Bastards scramble to secure $200 bargain-priced flat screen TV's at a Black Friday feeding frenzy...