The Long, Hot Summer Continues.........

This week marks the halfway point in another long, hot summer full of misery and despair for countless Poor Bastards throughout The Kingdom. Especially those Unfortunate Poor Bastards who find themselves trapped in the hell-hole east of the Rocky Mountains where a "heat dome" has settled in over much of the region, resulting in temperatures which in some cases have been upwards of 105 degrees for the last several weeks.

The National Weather Service's own misery index, known simply as the "heat index", has been reported to be as high as 115 degrees in certain areas where the combination of temperature and humidity create conditions that supposedly make it feel like it is 115 degrees even though the actual temperature is much lower....sort of a misery booster for the Poor Bastard.

As reported previously the Fraternal Order of the Poor Bastards own Poor Bastard's Misery Index has been elevated to the highest ranking for almost two weeks after the High Council announced that it was now officially Ridiculously F-ing Miserable!

Meanwhile Rank & File Poor Bastards throughout the realm are being subjected to a political screw job of monumental proportions by the criminal class of Poor Bastard otherwise known as Congress....

In a move which is nothing short of the disemboweling of the Working Class Poor Bastard, congressional "conservatives" and other indiscriminate degenerates in Congress, along with The White House and those mindless Dumb F-k Poor Bastards who have embraced the silly "Tea Party" notion that has swept the country, with the help of any number of Billionaire Poor Bastards and their cash, are working feverishly to destroy what little semblance is left of the social security safety net.

By demonizing the concept of "entitlements" these Degenerate Poor Bastards have successfully convinced half  The Kingdom that the country is going to crash and burn in an economic apocalypse if we don't eliminate social security and medicare spending from the federal budget; and then give all that money to those Thieving Poor Bastards on Wall Street.

Of course there has been no serious talk of cutting military spending, corporate subsidies, or welfare for the rich - otherwise known as "tax cuts" - and of course there has been no discussion regarding a reduction in taxes on the rest of us Garden-Variety Poor Bastards.....but then that's because we are all supposed to just sit back and dutifully foot the bill for the fiscal indiscretions of the Bloated Poor Bastard aristocrat class who can't seem to accumulate enough billions to satisfy their ravenous appetite for conspicuous excess!

As Mark Twain, that American icon of the Poor Bastard Class, once observed,

"It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress!"

Heat "Dome" Squeezes the Life Out of Numerous Poor Bastards

The U.S. Weather Service is reporting that a heat "dome" has settled in over the Midwest portion of the Kingdom of the Poor Bastard. The weather phenomenon is reportedly being caused by a system of high pressure which is compressing a trapped layer of hot, humid air over an area that extends from the Great State of Texas - the indigenous home of more Poor Bastards than any other place on earth - to the northern Great Plains states; and eastward to the dusty, rusty confines of Nebraska and the Ohio Valley.

The result has been temperatures ranging from the high 90's to well over 100 degrees and humidity to match... which have combined to literally squeeze the life out of numerous Unfortunate Poor Bastards who have fallen victim to the ravages of a Poor Bastard's Misery Index level which, just this past week, was determined to be Ridiculously F-ing Miserable  by the High Council of the Fraternal Order of the Poor Bastard!

Meanwhile The Kingdom's exalted leaders have been busy burning the candle at both ends back in that sink-hole of corruption and Self-Serving Poor Bastard's we call Washington DC....with the latest reports indicating that they have just about finished up with their efforts to completely dismantle what's left of the Social Security and Medicare programs; leaving the Average Poor Bastard with little or no hope that they will ever retire, much less have access to even a semblance of decent healthcare during the "golden years".........

The capitulation of President Barack Obama during the "debt crisis" negotiations has just about completed his transformation from "Man of the People / President of Change" - candidate who won the hearts and minds of 50+ million Mesmerized Poor Bastards during the 2008 presidential campaign - to an obedient step 'n fetch-it politician who is now dutifully repeating the conservative party line mantra of debt reduction, tax cuts and reductions in those awful "entitlement" programs, as if he were a dyed in the wool Tea Party republican!

With Barack Obama's prospects for a second term now squarely in doubt, all manner of self-serving Crack-Pot Poor Bastard presidential candidates are crawling out from under rocks and trash piles throughout The Kingdom, with high hopes that they might be the one to capture the attention of the RepubliCon money machine which has been quietly raising BILLIONS to finance the 2012 battle for the presidential hot seat.....

Or as the Grand Poo Ba likes to say, "history shows us that there will always be an abundance of fiddler's who want to play Nero as the empire crashes and burns around us!"

Healthcare Poor Bastard Style....

A Poor Bastard  suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the Poor Bastard to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital where he was taken for treatment. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen.

She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

The Poor Bastard  replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked the Poor Bastard, "Do you have money in the bank?"

"No money in the bank", he replied.

"Do you have any Poor Bastard  relatives who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

"I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun", replied the convalescing Poor Bastard.


The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

"Perfect". Replied the Poor Bastard. "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Canada's National Post Declares U.S. An Honorary Banana Republic

Word has just reached the Poor Bastard World Headquarters that Canada's National Post, the leading financial publication in the country, has announced that they are declaring the United States to be an "honorary banana republic" due to the seeming inability of U.S. leaders to deal with dire economic circumstances which are threatening the very foundations of the industrialized world!

Of course Poor Bastards throughout The Kingdom have known for years that Washington DC is a wholly-owned subsidiary of the transnational corporate oligarchy that rules the world......which only begs the question of how stupid the Degenerate Poor Bastards we have elected to congress must be for things to have deteriorated to the level of discourse we are seeing on display in Washington DC, Inc. at the present time.

With a national debt that now surpasses 60% of GDP and a federal budget deficit that is projected to be 10% of GDP by the end of this year, it won't be long before the U.S. will be deserving of the title Genuine Banana Republic, once our economic situation reaches the level of a Third World country; which could conceivably occur before the next congressional sex scandal emerges to distract the Illiterati from the apocalyptic financial crisis facing western civilization!

Poor Bastard's Misery Index Raised a Second Time in Two Weeks!

Not that the Grand Poo Ba is terribly surprised, since he has been predicting an epic heatwave for the summer of 2011 ever since the mercury reading soared past 100 degrees in Wichita Falls, TX way back in March....

But now that the National Weather Service has finally capitulated by announcing that a "massive heat wave is expected to develop over much of the central and eastern United State" with "heat index values" possibly reaching 115 degrees over the weekend, the High Council of the Fraternal Order of the Poor Bastard  has decided it is time to raise the Poor Bastard's Misery Index reading to Ridiculously F-ing Miserable!

Recognizing that many Garden-Variety Poor Bastards may well have been suffering under Ridiculously F-ing Miserable conditions for some time, the High Council felt the move was justified in light of the announcement by the NWS late in the day on Wednesday.

Here at the Poor Bastard World Headquarters we have been receiving reports from fellow Poor Bastards throughout the realm for the last several weeks, about temperature readings above 105 degrees; and in some cases readings which have already exceeded 110 degrees!

An unnamed Poor Bastard is seen here testing out his improvised heat management system at a Red Cross cooling center during the heatwave that settled in over California during the long, hot summer of 2006...











All we can say at this point is that all Poor Bastards should brace themselves for the onslaught and be prepared for the unexpected as these are the kind of conditions during which all hell can be expected to break loose throughout the affected areas of The Kingdom!

Once the horror sets in and Poor Bastards from hither to yon finally realize that there isn't enough ice in all the world to keep that cooler full of Bud Light cold, tensions will invariably reach the breaking point.

All Poor Bastards should prepare for the worst as conditions are ripe for creating historic levels of misery throughout much of the Kingdom of the Poor Bastard!

Meanwhile, the governors of Oklahoma and Texas, both Poor Bastards in their own right, have decided to simply resort to some good old, down-home religion by asking the residents of their respective states to pray......pray for what, we aren't sure, but in all fairness it sounds like just about as good an idea as anything else......


In this photo we see an unidentified member of the U.S. Congress trying to escape the heat on the banks of the Potomac River during a break in the heated budget talks....

Demonstrations of Epic Stupidity Continue...

The epidemic of Poor Bastard Stupidity continues with a report from Maui, Hawaii about a Marin County, California Poor Bastard  who was apparently sucked into a blow hole after he was observed dancing around on on the rocks surrounding the geological formation.


Witnesses reported that the man had been frolicking around the edge of the hole like some Poor Bastard impersonating the tooth fairy, when a surging wave suddenly swept him into the hole, which contains water that is sucked through the hole and back out to sea each time the tidal surge recedes from the shoreline.

Horrified witnesses said his head popped up briefly after he initially went into the water and then after being inundated by a second incoming wave the Doomed Poor Bastard was never seen again!

Stories from the realm....they never cease to entertain!

Are We Experiencing Some Sort of Poor Bastard Epidemic....?

When Brownwood, TX fire-fighter Shannon Stone fell to his death last week at a Texas Ranger's baseball game while reaching to catch a souvenir baseball, The editorial staff at The Poor Bastard's Gazette might have been willing to chalk it up as an unfortunate tragedy and let if pass without comment.

But when we scanned the headlines and wire reports this morning only to learn that some Stupid Poor Bastard  had almost suffered the same fate during last night's Home Run Derby at Chase Field in Phoenix, AZ, we felt compelled to raise the question....." is this some sort of epidemic sweeping through the Kingdom of the Poor Bastard?"

Stupid Poor Bastard Keith Carmickle is seen above, only seconds before he fell over the railing at the bottom of the picture, to an almost certain death...eerily similar to a tragic incident that occurred last week at a Texas Ranger's baseball game in which a Brownwood, TX fire fighter did in fact, fall to his death while reaching to catch a souvenir baseball.

Carmickle is captured in this timeless picture only seconds later as friends and family literally hold his life in their hands...leading Inquiring Poor Bastards to wonder whether we are experiencing an epidemic of public displays of stupidity from Poor Bastards throughout the Kingdom of the Poor Bastard?

Or is this just another example of the ongoing culling of the Poor Bastard Gene Pool?