The Big Dick in the Sky...........

Getting away from the almost daily grind of political sex scandals, the Grand Poo Ba was mildly amused by the Poor Bastard story of JR Hildebrand...The made-for-TV, Indy-car rookie with GQ good looks who crashed his car into the wall on the last lap of the Indianapolis 500 on Memorial Day, while in the lead!

Yep! That's right folks....after 499.5 miles of a 500 mile race with fame, fortune and all the super models he could heap on his plate less than a half mile away, the dashing Poor Bastard slammed into the wall coming out of turn 4 at racing's famed "brickyard", otherwise known as the Indianapolis Motor Speedway; in what could have been the biggest day of JR's young career. Unfortunately for JR it will always be one of the most memorable days, not only in his own career, but very likely in the history of Indy car racing....just not the kind of memorable day he had hoped for...

With the checkered flag only 1,000 feet away Poor Bastard JR Hildebrand limps along toward the finish line of the Indianapolis 500 after hitting the wall on the final lap, having led for the last 40 laps of car racing's biggest dance...

Eventual winner Dan Wheldon then flew past in his orange and white Indy car, taking advantage of the fact that his car had not been driven into a wall at 200 miles per hour...

This unfortunate turn of events, at least for heart-throb JR Hildebrand, is an example of what Poor Bastards call "the big dick in the sky"...a phenomenon that all long-standing Poor Bastards have experienced at one time or another.....

The big dick in the sky refers to the unwavering tendency for things to go wrong, and not just a little bit wrong, but really wrong....just when a Poor Bastard is on the verge of a major personal or professional triumph....The big dick phenomenon is an unexplainable force which follows Poor Bastards around like a bad smell; always ready to pounce at the first sign things might be on the upswing for the Poor Bastard in question.

As a point of clarification it must be noted that the big dick is not what causes the embarrassing implosion that occurs when a True Poor Bastard emerges in the spotlight, all spit-shined and ready to unravel all of the personal and professional success they have achieved in front of the American Media Spectacle and Inquiring Poor Bastards throughout The Kingdom.

Events such as these are easily distinguishable from the mysterious force known as the big dick in one important respect; when a True Poor Bastard crumbles and falls like Humpty-Dumpty tumbling down from the wall, it is due to nothing but self-imposed hubris and stupidity...for which they have no one but themselves to blame.

The big dick, on the other hand, is exactly the opposite....As with our young hero JR Hildebrand, the big dick in the sky swoops down and skewers the unsuspecting Poor Bastard just when he is on the verge of a major accomplishment and has done nothing in particular to contribute to his own self-destruction other than to wake up, put his pants on, walk out the door and wait for the big dick to come swooping down and spear him like a teriyaki shish-kabob destined for a Poor Bastard's grill.

The big dick can be thought of as sort of the Poor Bastard's Reality Check, as it seems to always be waiting in the wings ready to remind the world, and the Poor Bastard in question, that you really are a Poor Bastard!...no matter what small personal success you may enjoy on occasion....and don't you forget it!













Our newly christened Poor Bastard JR Hildebrand is shown here after the big dick returned to visit him again only yesterday, when he suffered a debilitating knee injury during an appearance at a promotional event at the Texas Motor Speedway in Ft. Worth, TX.

Hildebrand was competing in an obstacle course competition against a fellow Indy car driver when the injury occurred. The event, called "Driven by Fitness", was reportedly staged to demonstrate that Indy car drivers really are athletes, in spite of the view of many Skeptical Poor Bastards who do not seem convinced that driving a race car is really an "athletic" endeavor.

UPDATE.........The High Council of the Fraternal Order of the Poor Bastard  has just announced that they have decided to create a special Poor Bastard designation for Poor Bastard's who, in the face of personal adversity, have demonstrated that they possess the stupidity and/or loyalty to "take one for the team"....

This new class of Poor Bastard will be known as the Hildebrand Poor Bastard...and will be used to identify those Poor Bastards who "take a double-dicking and keep on ticking"....

Always Make the Worst Out of Your Situation

The Grand Poo Ba has just about said everything he has to say about New York Congressman Anthony Weiner (D) and this True Poor Bastard's mystery wiener, but the editorial board here at The Poor Bastard's Gazette thought it would be worthwhile to address this growing scandal one last time as a way of illustrating exactly what it is that causes an otherwise rank and file Poor Bastard to suddenly become a True Poor Bastard.

True Poor Bastard Congressman Anthony Weiner (D) New York-seen here contemplating the end of his once promising political career...






We see it time and again from all walks of life; the Garden-Variety Poor Bastard who is simply helpless to prevent being tagged as a Poor Bastard; many times due to nothing more than their own Poor Bastard cultural heritage....Sort of a Poor Bastard by Victim of Circumstance, if you will.

A True Poor Bastard on the other hand, is an animal of a different stripe; hence the special designation "True" Poor Bastard.....

A True Poor Bastard is an individual who is anything but a victim of circumstance. Instead, owing their miserable Poor Bastard circumstances to nothing but their own stupidity, lack of discipline or any semblance of self-control!

It is also a requirement that a True Poor Bastard must descend from the political, cultural or socio-economic ranks within The Kingdom of the Poor Bastard which would suggest to normal folk that there is absolutely no reason on earth for them to end up in the Poor Bastard Situation which has drawn them to the attention of the American Media Spectacle and the High Council of the Fraternal Order of the Poor Bastard for consideration to be awarded the title True Poor Bastard.

A True Poor Bastard is that person who has every reason not to be a Poor Bastard in the first place; but because of their genetic code, simply cannot help but end up becoming entangled in a Colossal Poor Bastard Situation.


Hence, the Ivy League educated, high-powered Wall Street attorney/multi-millionaire/Washington DC Poor Bastard insider who would seem to have the world by the tail (so to speak), but who for some reason just can NOT stop themselves from trolling the internet looking for indiscriminate booty-sex, while the wife and kids wait faithfully for their hunter-gatherer father/husband to return home with the spoils of war!

Or the $20 million per movie, Hollywood A-list celebrity figure who can't keep their nose out of a bottle of whiskey or a bag of cocaine long enough to drive home without being arrested for a DUI ; or keep their gubernatorial wiener to themselves instead of fathering an illegitimate child, as in the case of Top-Gun Poor Bastard Arnie Schwarzenegger; even though they know that every move they make will be scrutinized by the American Media Spectacle until the weakness in their celebrity facade exposes what a True Poor Bastard  these reckless egomaniacs really are.

Or the mega-salaried Poor Bastard Sports Hero who has maneuvered into a situation where they are paid more money to toss a ball around, than some small countries generate in gross domestic product...but all the same they can't keep from running afoul of the law by beating the wife or committing some equally heinous offense.

Or the mega-fortunate inheritance baby Poor Bastardette like Paris Hilton who, in spite of all her wealth and privilege, can't manage to finish high school; choosing instead to lead a life of decadent disregard and self-absorbed opulence which results in a series of criminal transgressions and countless public displays of embarrassing Poor Bastard Behavior, much to the delight of Poor Bastards throughout The Kingdom.

Yes, these are the character flaws which can only be found in that class of Poor Bastards, who have pulled themselves up by their Poor Bastard boot-straps from the lowly ranks of the Garden-Variety Poor Bastard, to the exalted status of that public animal known throughout The Kingdom as a True Poor Bastard!

It is the life the True Poor Bastard has chosen.....and for which they will be remembered!

Congressional Wiener Postiviely Identified...

Congressman Anthony Weiner (D-New York) is shown here after getting a whiff of the congressional BVD's he posed in for the now infamous tweetered-meat photos taken with his own cell phone...



Just when Poor Bastards throughout the Kingdom thought it was safe to go back in the water we hear that Pathetic Poor Bastard - and soon-to-be former New York congressman Anthony Weiner (D) - has finally fessed up and confirmed the truth to allegations that he has been tweetering his meat.

When we last left the congressman, he was engaged in a classic Poor Bastard cover-your-ass  maneuver known as the "I can't be sure if that is my dog" defense. This strategy gets its name from the time-tested defense argument when defending a client whose dog has been accused of biting someone.

First you deny that the victim was even bitten by a dog...

Then when it is proven beyond a doubt that the victim did suffer a dog bite, you deny that your dog could have been the dog that bit the person...

Then when it is established that your dog could have been the dog that bit the victim, you argue that it cannot be proven beyond a reasonable doubt that it was your dog that bit the person...

And so it goes with Congressman Anthony Weiner of New York (D) - a True Poor Bastard if ever there was one.....

As recently as late last week the Poor Bastard congressman was attempting to employ just such a strategy when he responded to the tweetered-meat allegations by stating that he could not say with "certitude" whether or not the tweeter-meat pics (which were actually pictures of his underwear-clad crotch) were, in fact, his own congressional package...which he had been attempting to send by special congressional delivery to at least six unnamed women, using the popular Tweeter social networking application.

Weiner's half-hearted attempt to deny the allegations of improper meat-tweetering, was exposed here at The Poor Bastard's Gazette in a piece we posted on June 1, 2011, in which the Grand Poo Ba pointed out the absurdity of Weiner's statement that he couldn't say with "certitude" if it was his tweetered-meat or not. Suggesting that Inquiring Poor Bastards should read between the lines and take this statement for what it was...an acknowledgment by Weiner that there very well could be photos of his congressional crotch circulating around in cyberspace, but he just couldn't be sure if the photo he had been shown was, in fact, one of them!

The incident, which has been labeled Wiener-gate by the Mainstream Media Spectacle, is now a full-fledged congressional sex-scandal and expose' of yet another seemingly incomprehensible display of stupidity by a Political Poor Bastard who has now earned the elite title of True Poor Bastard from the High Council of the Fraternal Order of the Poor Bastard.

You just can't make this stuff up........

Texas Law & Order Poor Bastard Says...."Click it or Ticket!

Talk about a Cluster-F-k of Poor Bastards.....The Austin American-Statesman is reporting that a Round Rock, TX (trendy techno-suburb of Austin) police officer issued a traffic ticket on Tuesday of this past week to the 10 year old passenger of a car being driven by his 19 year old aunt, Ashley Arredondo!

Poor Bastards throughout the Kingdom will sleep better tonight knowing that Law & Order Poor Bastards, like the Texas lawman who issued 10 year old Marshall May a "click it or ticket" citation for improper use of his seat belt, are vigilantly patrolling the highways and byways of America....The 4th grader is seen here displaying the traffic citation issued to him by an unnamed Round Rock, TX policeman and Law & Order the Poor Bastard, who apparently was not aware that under Texas law you cannot issue a traffic citation to a ten year old...

 As it turns out, the 4th grader and soon-to-be Poor Bastard had committed the heinous offense of not wearing his seat belt "properly"....a situation that was brought to the attention of the unnamed Law & Order Poor Bastard when he observed the young Poor Bastard In Training sticking his head out of the window of a moving car to get some fresh air.

Normally under such circumstances the driver of the vehicle would be issued a citation, but for some unexplained reason this Round Rock, TX Law & Order Poor Bastard chose to issue the ticket to 10 year old Marshall May instead of Marshall's 19 year old aunt and Poor Bastardette Ashley Arredondo.

As it turns out Texas law does not recognize a 10 year old as the responsible party in this instance, instead holding the driver responsible for the offense.....A minor oversight that our Law & Order Poor Bastard apparently wasn't aware of at the time.

After the story made the local news it quickly became cannon fodder for Austin area talk radio jocks, resulting in much embarrassment to the Round Rock Police Department, the City of Round Rock and interim City Manager Robert Powers, who has indicated that the ticket will likely be dismissed and written off as just another nonsensical Cluster-F-k of Poor Bastard Stupidity!

On the Scale of Poor Bastard Intelligence, originally developed by the High Council of The Fraternal Order of the Poor Bastard, to gauge the relative stupidity of elected officials and Celebrity Poor Bastards, these three characters are ranked as follows; starting with the least stupid of the three-

1) 10 year old  Marshall May - the heinous offender, who was cited for sticking his head out the window of a moving car...Hey, he's 10 years old and entitled to at least one such mistake before earning an official christening as a Poor Bastard.

2) 19 year old Ashley Arredondo - Marshall's aunt and the driver of the car in which the young Poor Bastard in Training was a passenger...Should have known better than to let a passenger in her car stick their head out the window; especially a 10 year old kid. Automatically qualifies as a Poor Bastardette for this display of genetic stupidity.


3) Unnamed Round Rock, TX policeman who issued the citation - Automatically labeled with the title Law & Order Poor Bastard for his colossal display of bad judgment and ignorance of the law, which has made a laughing stock out of the Round Rock Police Department; thanks in part to the efforts of local talk radio jocks.

In the case of interim City Manager, Robert Powers, the High Council has decided to issue a one-time No Harm, No Foul Poor Bastard's Reprieve - sort of a Poor Bastard's get out of jail free card - due to uncertainty over the exact role Powers may or may not have played in this Poor Bastard's Cluster-F-k....

Randy Dandy From Chapel Hill Brought Up on Charges...

Notable Poor Bastard and former North Carolina Senator John Edwards (D) - the Randy Dandy From Chapel Hill - has finally been brought up on charges by federal prosecutors.

The next thing we can expect is to see is the requisite photo-op of the Randy Poor Bastard doing the all, to familiar Poor Bastard's Perp-Walk...or as we like to call it around here at the Poor Bastard World Headquarters, the Jail-House Stroll...


The trials and tribulations of Edwards and his wandering wiener have been previously chronicled in the May 22, 2011 post right here in the Poor Bastard's Gazette blogspot titled,  A Brief History of Slime...therefore the Grand Poo Ba won't bother with another recitation of the insufferable details.

Suffice it to say, you heard it here first because that's what we do here at The Gazette....because Inquiring Poor Bastards want to know!

Poor Bastard Daisy-Chain & Other Observations From the Kingdom....

Some days you just don't know where to begin....

Yesterday the Grand Poo Ba was at the command station here at the Poor Bastard World Headquarters until late into the night as the Poor Bastard Tales just kept rolling across the wire and then when he settles in this  morning he finds a bevy of new Tales of Woe from around the Kingdom of the Poor Bastard!

At first he thought maybe it would be a good day for a quick summary of some of the more recent and notable Poor Bastard Tales, but then he landed on a real doozy involving a Poor Bastard Daisy Chain that includes the 89 year old crackpot and Poor Bastard Man of God Harold Camping, who had been preaching to his flock for the last ten years that the world would come to an end precisely on May 21, 2011....

But before we get to that Poor Bastard Tale, let's review a handful of the more notable events of the last 24 hours from around the Kingdom.


No More War on Drugs - The Reuters news agency is reporting that a "high-level international commission" known as The Global Commission on Drug Policy, has determined that the "global war on drugs" has been a failure. Now for those of you Poor Bastards who are too young to remember, the "war on drugs" was the brain-child of one of the most Notable, High-Level, Original, Presidential Poor Bastard's in the history of all things Poor Bastard....Richard Milhouse Nixon!....

The "war on drugs" might not be winnable, but it is a growth industry in places like Mexico...seen here is the latest haul by the infamous Mexican Policia Federal - or "Federales"...

So, one might expect that a program conceived by one of the most Iconic Poor Bastards in history would eventually be deemed a complete failure; but that's not what makes this story such a great Poor Bastard Tale...

No, what makes this story worthy of mention, here in The Gazette, is the fact that this so called "high-level international commission", comprised of some of the most Notable Poor Bastards in the Kingdom, is just now getting around to figuring out that the "war on drugs" is a failure! While the other five or six BILLION citizens of the Global Kingdom of the Poor Bastard have been well aware of this fact for decades!

No foolin' folks.....these are the people we elect to run the Kingdom!.....

Any questions?


Note to Poor Bastards: No Swimming Allowed - The next tale involves a 51 year-old Canadian Poor Bastardette who plunged to her death after being swept over the top of Niagara Falls. Witnesses reported seeing the woman go over the falls after she appeared to be swimming in the river above the famed Horseshoe Falls on the Niagara River.

The Niagara Falls Regional Police are reporting that the woman did not appear to be struggling in the water prior to her unfortunate demise and there does not appear to be any evidence of foul play.  Employees on the famous Maid of the Mist tour boat fished the Poor Bastardette's body out of the water after she had fallen to her death.....

Any of you Poor Bastard's feel like a dip?







Time for a  Poor Bastard Reset here-

River in Canada = COLD F-ing water!

Niagara Falls = COLD F-ing water & DANGEROUS place to swim!

Woman swimming in COLD, DANGEROUS  F-ing water =  Dumb-F-k Poor Bastardette!

Any questions?


The Poor Bastard Daisy-Chain - Today's big story from among the many Poor Bastard Tales of Woe concerns the Man of God and Genuine Crack-Pot Poor Bastard Harold Camping, and the recent demise of one of Harold's faithful...a Queens, NY Poor Bastardette by the name of Doris Schmitt.

The story is known as a Poor Bastard Daisy-Chain because it involves at least three Poor Bastards,  whose lives end up being impacted by the actions (or inaction) of one or more of the other Poor Bastards involved; often times without the other parties to this cluster-f-k of madness having any idea that they are screwing up some other Poor Bastard's life!

And the story of Harold Camping, Doris Schmitt and Poor Bastardette #3 is just such a Poor Bastard's Tale of Woe!

Poor Bastardette #3 is a woman by the name of Eileen Heuwetter, whose aunt, Doris Schmitt is Poor Bastardette #2 in our Poor Bastard Daisy-Chain.

Doomsday radio preacher-man and Crack-Pot Poor Bastard Harold Camping announces that the end of the world will occur on May 21, 2011...


Now for those of you who may not have been following the trials and tribulations of Poor Bastard #1, Harold Camping, Harold is a radio preacher-man who has been struggling with the routine complications in life that come when you are a Man of God and Crack-Pot Poor Bastard who has been trying for the last ten years to predict the exact date of the end of the world.

But before we go and write off this Man of God as nothing more than an 89 year-old Antiquated Poor Bastard who is suffering from old-timers disease, you should know that Harold is the president and general manager of an organization called Family Stations, Inc...which is a non-profit corporation the purpose of which is to spread the Christian Gospel throughout the Kingdom using its non-stop AM radio broadcast known as "Family Radio"....And according to information obtained from the IRS, Family Stations, Inc. was the recipient of over $18 MILLION in donations in 2009 alone!

So, our Man of God and his worthy crusade to save the Kingdom of the Poor Bastard from its heathen self  are a well-oiled group, with the necessary war chest of funds to vanquish the devil-influence within Poor Bastards throughout the Kingdom. And they use the AM radio broadcast media as a forum to preach apocalyptic, fire and brimstone-style doomsday Christianity to faithful followers and Skeptical Poor Bastards among us...one of whom just so happened to be the ever-faithful Poor Bastardette #2, Doris Schmitt!

And after decades of listening to all of his own apocalyptic rhetoric, Harold it seems, had decided back in 2002 that the world, as it is known to all manner of Poor Bastards, was going to come to an end precisely on May 21, 2011....and this is what our Man of God had been trying to convince his faithful believers was going to happen for the last ten years!

Enter one Doris Schmitt, Poor Bastardette #2. Doris it turns out, was an aging shut-in who, according to Poor Bastardette #3, Eileen Heuwetter, had lived a "tough life" struggling with alcoholism, and the loss of two children to the Poor Bastards Disease known as drug addiction; before she herself was finally called home to meet her maker on May 2, 2010, never living to see the day when all of the Good Lord's heathen masses were due to be called home all at once; at least according to Doris's savior, exalted leader and Crack-Pot Poor Bastard #1, Harold Camping.

So after all this we arrive at the doorstep of Poor Bastardette #3, Eileen Heuwetter, Poor Bastardette #2's niece and executor of the her aunt Doris's estate....

Now I know most Poor Bastards are sitting there wondering what kind of an estate would poor aunt Doris have in the first place? After all didn't she live a "tough life" struggling with the alcohol and her children's narcotic abuse?...

Well, yes; at least according to the story. But be that as it may, it seems aunt Doris, at least in a financial sense, wasn't a Poor Bastardette at all. Quite the contrary it turns out she was sitting on a nice little nest-egg of somewhere around $300,000 when she finally got the Big Invitation to come on up!

Hallelujah!...Praise the Lord!

Our story might have ended there as nothing more than a tale of little significance were it not for our Man of God and Crack-Pot Poor Bastard #1 Harold Camping who as it turns out, aunt Doris had been sitting around listening to on the radio "day and night" for the last ten or fifteen years of her life, while he preached his frightening sermon about the apocalyptic end of the Kingdom on May 21, 2011!...

At least this is the story according to Poor Bastardette #3 Eileen Heuwetter.

And apparently Harold's message was quite convincing because he had somehow managed to convince aunt Doris that her $300,000 was going to come in mighty handy to his radio-based religious order between May 2, 2010 and May 21, 2011 when the end of the world was due to arrive....

So the end result of this pathetic Tale of Woe is that when Poor Bastardette #3 shows up to execute her duties as the executor of aunt Doris's estate, she learns that the bulk of the largess has been bequeathed to the Crack-Pot Poor Bastard Harold Camping and his "Radio Family" broadcast ministry!

Upon learning of the news, aunt Doris's extended family expressed outrage and disappointment...

In response to learning that the world wasn't actually scheduled to end on May 21, 2011, they expressed the opinion that it would have been unlikely that dear aunt Doris would have donated the bulk of her estate to Camping's ministry if she had known the world wasn't actually coming to an end on May 21, 2011...

Huh?

Crack-Pot Poor Bastard Harold Camping, for his part, has announced that the deadline for the end of the world has been extended to sometime in October of  2011. ....

Stay tuned...it doesn't get any better than this folks!

Weiner Doesn't Recognize His Own Wiener!

I'm gonna say it one more time......

You can NOT make this stuff up!

Just about the time the Grand Poo Ba decides to pack it in for the day and go fix himself a tasty adult beverage and what do we see coming across the cable-wonderland news wire.....?

New York Congressman Anthony Weiner (D) - The True Poor Bastard  who was alleged to have been been tweetering pictures of his own  pickle for all of his faithful Tweeter followers to see - has just announced that he can't say for sure whether the alleged photo of Weiner's own wiener (or more specifically the Poor Bastard's crotch, with the Poor Bastard's Pickle tucked away safe inside Weiner's skivvies) is, in fact, the alleged Tweetered-meat or not!

True Poor Bastard Congressman Anthony Weiner, shown here studying the photo that is alleged to be his own Tweetered-meat...






Weiner, who up until now has denied that the infamous snapshot of his alleged tweetered-meat was in fact his own crotch-rocket, now says, "he couldn't say with certitude..." whether it was his own Poor Bastard wiener or not!

Of course the bigger question raised (no pun intended) by Weiner's ambiguous response is, "if he can't say with certitude that it is NOT a picture of his own congressional crotch-rocket, then doesn't that suggest he knows full well that it may very well indeed be the Poor Bastard's political pickle all safely tucked away there inside those congressional BVD's?

Perhaps an even more alarming twist to this whole episode is that the entire American Media Spectacle and half the Poor Bastards in the U.S. Congress have come completely unwound over "Weiner-gate!".....

Throughout the country there are grown men and women (Poor Bastards one and all) sitting around the conference table staring into their little cell phone screens, squinting their beady little eyes, and mumbling, "what do you think Bob...is that Weiner's wiener or not?"

Meanwhile Inquiring Poor Bastard's throughout the Kingdom are asking, "just who is running the country?"