For Whom The Bell Tolls....

Various and sundry Poor Bastards from throughout the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard are waiting with bated breath for the final announcement as to exactly which K-Mart and Sear's locations will be closing their doors as part of a fiscal belt-tightening that was announced by the parent company earlier this week.

Rumors have been flying ever since the Sears Holding Corp. announced that it was closing a total of 117 Sear's and K-Mart locations as the company continues its struggle to remain profitable. As it stands it looks like the state of Florida will be the hardest hit after the company released a preliminary list of 79 locations which are scheduled for closure in the coming months.

Perhaps the news is not all that surprising for those familiar with the Poor Bastard Demographics of the Sunshine State, which aside from the Great State of Texas, is the indigenous breeding ground of more Poor Bastards per square foot than any other habitat on earth.

Aside from the general impact of the economic downturn which has plagued the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard for several years now, the Sunshine State has been hit by one of the worst real estate declines in the history of The Kingdom. 

Gripped with fear and loathing as some local markets in Florida continue to run a 75% off fire sale on cheap condos and sloppily built "cracker-shack" houses, many Sun-Roasted Poor Bastards along the Redneck Riviera and elsewhere have simply abandoned the nest and headed north to parts unknown; seeking miserable job opportunities in seemingly more prosperous environs.


As the Poor Bastard exodus and general economic malaise among residents of the Sunshine State continues, old school  retailers such as Sears and K-Mart have found it increasingly more difficult to compete with the shameless Chinese import specialists like Walmart, Sam's Club, Costco and Target.

Although Florida tops the list with eleven stores scheduled for the chopping block, the state of Georgia - in what economists believe may be something of a spillover effect - is running a strong second with six stores scheduled for closure in the nation's 13th Colony. Poor Bastards in that miserable Redneck Heaven have been seen running to catch up with the long line of fleeing relatives and fellow Poor Bastards from Florida who continue to pass through the Peach State on their way to more promising locales north of the Mason-Dixon Line.

In an effort to lift the spirits of the Poor Bastard population, Florida lawmakers decided to declare an open season on political leaders who have been largely blamed for the state's disastrous economic situation....Within weeks of the announcement this Sporting Poor Bastard accidentally shot and killed this wild hog after mistaking it for a prominent Florida republican.

Holiday Greetings From The High Council...

The High Council of the Fraternal Order of The Poor Bastard and the Grand Poo Ba would like to extend a warm Holiday Greeting to all the Poor Bastards throughout The Realm...

May the New Year bring joy and good tidings to you all.

And now as a little reminder of how good most of us actually have things in this Land of Want and Woe - otherwise known as the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard - here are a few Holiday images to remind us all of just what Poor Bastards some folks really are-

A True Poor Bastard Santa-

"Yo ho ho Merry Christmas, and peace brother..."

And under the category of Some Poor Bastards Simply Have No Shame...

Let's see, Nike hat..."Just Do It!"...

Light Beer from Miller, just "Swill It!"...

Body-hair by Godzilla..."Just Kill It!"...

Underwear by BVD..."Just Forget It!"

Christmas time in the Poor Bastard household is filled with holiday cheer and the Spirit of the Season as evidenced by this classic...

The True Poor Bastard Christmas Tree-

 In the True Poor Bastard household the Christmas celebration just doesn't get any better than this....

This Poor Bastardette certainly deserves an "A" for creativity...and maybe a sloppy, wet kiss from Santa..."come here little girl...and sit on Santa's knee..."

And just to prove once again that the Poor Bastard condition is either genetic or at the very least a by-product of upbringing, we offer this photographic evidence of how the malaise can affect even the youngest among us-

As The Sun Sets on 2011....

As the illustrious Year of Our Lord 2011 A.D. begins to wind down, the Grand Poo Ba was delighted to open up the daily news feed only to find a virtual plethora of Genuine Poor Bastard Tales of Woe..


From the AP Wire -

Naked man jumps from ambulance, dies on CA freeway

http://news.yahoo.com/naked-man-jumps-ambulance-dies-ca-freeway-203756409.html

Student leaves $172,000 violin on Philly-bound bus

http://news.yahoo.com/student-leaves-172-000-violin-philly-bound-bus-104137675.html 


 Random Flotsam-

Pregnant Beyonce Steps Out in Animal-Print Leggings

http://music.yahoo.com/blogs/heard/pregnant-beyonce-steps-animal-print-leggings-165348903.html


YIKES!

 

Trump Switches Voter Registration to Independent, Leaves GOP

http://www.nbcnewyork.com/news/local/Donald-Trump-Party-Affiliation-Republican-GOP-Independent-136153788.html

Who Dat?...Walkin' with da Trumpster?

And of course last but not least, the Grand Poo Ba's favorite Poor Bastard Tale of Woe for the 2011 Christmas Season, is the story about the Genuine Poor Bastard from Utah who, after winning a $380,000 Lamborghini in a convenience store drawing, somehow managed to crash the car on his way home...

Leaving Inquiring Poor Bastards to wonder whether or not this True Poor Bastard is aware that he is going to owe a hundred grand in gift taxes on his lime-green wreckage?

Poor Bastard Christmas Joke of The Week

Once again a Poor Bastard reader from the Great State of Texas has submitted the Poor Bastard Joke of The Week, just in time for all you Christmas shoppers out there in the Kingdom of The Poor Bastard- A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.  She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades. She says to him, "Excuse me, sir.  Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway...... He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted.  Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around? The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?" He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50." She paid it and left without saying a word.

Entire U.S. Political Establishment Diagnosed With Terminal Stupidity

In a shocking announcement government officials have announced that the entire U.S. political establishment has been diagnosed with a case of Terminal Stupidity. Doctors say that when combined with uncontrolled greed and hubris, the life expectancy of the affected Poor Bastards is likely less than one election cycle.

 When asked if there was any hope of survival, officials stated the situation does not look promising. While General Stupidity is typically not a fatal disease doctors say that in the case of the U.S. Congress, the Terminal Stupidity which now threatens the very future of the institution, it is not unlike a common cold that, when left untreated, can progress into a life threatening condition such as pneumonia.






Leaders from around the world greeted the news with mixed reactions. One notable European leader who asked to remain anonymous has suggested that most people probably won't notice that much difference, considering the level of ignorance and incompetence which has permeated U.S. politics in recent years.

The reaction of common folk and Garden-Variety Poor Bastards from around the country have been almost universally favorable with the vast majority offering to do whatever they can to help speed the process along.

Gay Mississippi Mayor Latest to Earn True Poor Bastard Title

If ever there was anyone who deserved to title True Poor Bastard it has to be Southhaven, Mississippi Mayor Greg Davis. The republican mayor of Mississippi's third largest city has been fighting for his political life in recent months after allegations that he misused $170,000 in public funds.

According to the Memphis Commercial-Appeal the Poor Bastard's problems began when an audit of city records revealed that Davis had used city funds to pay for ".....thousands of dollars worth of liquor, expensive dinners, and a $67 charge at Priape, a Toronto store described by its website as “Canada’s premiere gay lifestyle store and sex shop.”...Which only begs the question that all Inquiring Poor Bastards are asking...

"If you are going to steal $170,000 of public funds, and ruin your political career in the process, and then travel all the way to Canada to visit a "gay lifestyle store and sex shop"...why on earth would you only buy $67 worth of booty-loot?


The True Poor Bastard Mayor, a divorced father of three, has built a political career as a "conservative republican", and in the past has campaigned on a platform of "family values", including an unsuccessful 2008 run for the U.S. Congress; a position which he would obviously fit right into if he had managed to win!

Meanwhile in other news around and about the Kingdom of the Poor Bastard, the Grand Poo Ba has finally made it back into the saddle after an extended absence due to a protracted bout with the flu, no doubt contracted during a long and arduous journey throughout the far reaches of the Kingdom which took him from the sunny confines of Florida's Redneck Riviera up into the backwoods of the Tar Heel State, on over the the Great State of Texas and finally up into the very heart of the Sooner State with a visit to OK City.....

Upon his return to the rainy confines of the Beaver State (ahhhh, nothing like being home among the Beavers!) the Grand Poo Ba was almost immediately stricken with a stubborn and enduring version of what the ex-wife used to call "the creeping crud!"

But enough of the personal trials of the Grand Poo Ba, it's time to move on to more pressing matters...like presidential politics!

During his absence it would certainly appear that the Grand Old Party of Poor Bastards, otherwise known as the "Republican Party" has just about completed a Democratic Party-like meltdown right in time for the republican presidential primaries.

When we last visited the Grand Poo Ba during his travels, the leading contender in the circus-like clamor among republican hopefuls was none other than Poor Bastard Herman Cain, the "godfather of pizza" and silver-tongued devil, whose Baptist Preacher-like sing/song delivery and near constant wagging of his right index finger at his audience, had placed him squarely in the Mix of Fools who had assembled to mount an assault on the evil-doer himself.....President Barack O-Blah-Blah-Bama.

Hermie it seems had a real problem buried in his closet of skeletons as it appears he either diddled, or attempted to diddle, every white woman on planet earth at least one time during his tenure as America's icon to corporate success among the minority classes.

The final nail in Hermie's coffin appears to have been the allegations made by one Ginger White, who came forward in late November, claiming in an interview with Atlanta TV station WAGA, that she had a 13-year-affair with Cain....In response the Presidential Poor Bastard's spin doctors mounted the by then well-worn refrain that she was a "troubled woman with financial and legal problems..."

Troubled or not, it would ultimately turn out that the allegations held at least a "ring" of truth after cell phone records were produced which clearly documented an endless stream of late night and early morning phone call between the alleged love birds...and which in turn spelled T-R-O-U-B-L-E and D-O-O-M for the Poor Bastard who once waived the stupid stick at campaign crowds and waived his personal pepperoni at women throughout The Realm!

When confronted with the evidence the Poor Bastard, and soon to be ex-republican party presidential candidate, explained that he had only provided financial support and counsel to the "troubled" woman, leaving Poor Bastards throughout the Kingdom to wonder exactly what kind of moral and financial support it is that one provides during 4:00AM phone sex call?

"Back to the pizza sauce on the stove, Hermie!"


Next Up.....


Newt Gingrich - The Man Who Wants To Be King.

Stay tuned!

Poor Bastards Run Amuck at Walmart Stores Throughout The Kingdom

In a display of Genuine Poor Bastard behavior, the likes of which can only be likened to the pandemonium that occurs when free cigarettes are given away at a NASCAR event, Poor Bastards throughout The Realm have broken out in a feeding frenzy of mindless greed and avaricious at local Walmart stores throughout the Kingdom of the Poor Bastard.


 In spite of the notorious displays of senseless ignorance and slavish behavior for which Black Friday has become known, this year's display is one for the record books as the reports keep coming in.

After it was reported early Friday morning that a Degenerate Poor Bastardette had pepper sprayed a crowd of Malingering Poor Bastards in a Los Angeles area Walmart, in an effort to clear the way for her to secure some form of bargain priced consumer electronics, reports started piling in from around The Kingdom as the mayhem and madness increased throughout the day...

Myrtle Beach, SC - an Unfortunate Poor Bastardette attempting to stow away her goods in the trunk of a car was shot by a robber who had approached the woman after she exited a nearby Walmart with a group of friends


Kinston, NC - off-duty police officers, working as security guards for a Walmart in Kinston, NC, had to use pepper spray to gain control of a crowd of Rowdy Poor Bastards who had assembled at a local Walmart, waiting to snatch up bargain priced electronics.





San Leandro, CA -a local man was shot outside a Walmart store during an attempted robbery after robbers confronted a group of Poor Bastards who had just emerged from the Walmart, mass quantities of cheap Chinese goods in hand...

Cave Creek, AZ - shopping was halted and a local Walmart store was evacuated after an explosive device was found in an employee break room. No doubt the result of at least one Poor Bastard employee who had simply had enough!

New York City - a group of  Thieving Poor Bastard shoppers who had apparently grown tired of waiting for a Hollister's department store to open on Thursday morning decided to take matters into their own hands and proceeded to break into the store and steal large quantities of clothing.

Pandemonium breaks out as Shameless Poor Bastards scramble to secure $200 bargain-priced flat screen TV's at a Black Friday feeding frenzy...

Poor Bastardette Loses It During "Black Friday" Shopping Binge...

In what can only be described as the ultimate demonstration of Pathetic Poor Bastard behavior, a Wal-Mart shopper and No-Count Loser Poor Bastardette in the San Fernando Valley reportedly pepper sprayed a crowd of shoppers early on Black Friday, to try and keep them away from merchandise she wanted for herself!


Other Poor Bastard shoppers, undaunted by the chemical warfare, continued to battle for access to the bargain priced flat screen TV's and other cheap Chinese-made consumer goods. One witness to the incident described the pepper spray wielding woman as a "competitive shopper" and was quoted as saying,  

"I don't care what they use,  I'm gettin' my TV!"

Poor Bastard Shoppers from the great unwashed mass of humanity, otherwise known as the Kingdom of the Poor Bastard, are seen here scrambling for their chance to buy historically low-priced big screen TV's and other needless junk which they have been convinced they cannot live without...


Meanwhile, the assailant in the pepper spray incident remains at large after disappearing into the crowd as pandemonium broke out on the sales floor...Wal-Mart store managers were unable to confirm whether or not the Poor Bastard Perpetrator  had actually managed to secure a TV for herself...

A Poor Bastard's Holiday...

The Grand Poo Ba and the High Council of the Fraternal Order of the Poor Bastard would like to wish every Poor Bastard in the Kingdom of the Poor Bastard a happy Thanksgiving holiday...

All we ask is that you try to stay out of jail; try not to be an embarrassment to the general lot of Poor Bastards and please don't set your house on fire trying to deep-fry a turkey!

And don't let the gobbler gobble on your congressional wiener!

And PLEASE keep your turkey to yourself...

A Little Holiday Cheer From The Grand Poo Ba...

Three women who have died are standing in line waiting to speak to St. Peter before passing through the gates of heaven. The first is a retired store clerk, the second is a suburban soccer mom and the third woman in line is Monica Lewinsky.

St. Peter says to the first woman,

"Confess your sins and tell me what part of your body you have used to commit these sins."

To which the woman replies,

"I confess that I have taken things that did not belong to me St. Peter, and I used my hands to commit these sins; but I have been a good person for many years and have accepted Jesus Christ as my savior."

St. Peter rubs his chin for a moment and then says to the woman,

"Step over to your right and wash your hands in that bowl of holy water. You will then be absolved of your sins and may then pass through the gates of heaven."...

The woman steps away from the front of the line as St. Peter motions the soccer mom to step forward. St. Peter then says to the second woman,

"Confess your sins and tell me what part of your body you have used to commit these sins."

To which the soccer mom replies,

"I confess that I have committed acts of sodomy St. Peter, and I used my ass while committing these sins; but I have been a good person for many years and have accepted Jesus Christ as my savior."

At which point Monica Lewinsky steps forward, shoves the soccer mom out of the way and says to St. Peter,

"Excuse me St. Peter, but can I step over there and wash my mouth out before this woman sticks her ass in that bowl of water."

Poor Bastard's Gazette Joke of The Week...

This week's Poor Bastard Joke of The Week was submitted by a life-time member of the Fraternal Order of the Poor Bastard  who hails from the Great State of Texas...

JEWISH DIVORCE

A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Irv."
All he Wants is sex, sex and more sex.
My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece
When it used to be the size of a nickel."
Her mother says,
"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman,
You live in an 8 Bedroom mansion
You drive a $250,000 Ferrari,
You get $2,000 a week allowance,
You take 6 vacations a year and
You want to throw all that away...

Over 45 cents?"

Poor Bastard in Training...

In what appears to the Grand Poo Ba as nothing less than a future U.S. congressman and Poor Bastard in Training we see a young toddler being taught the fine art of swimming in a toilet...no doubt in anticipation of a career in politics!





Note the use of the bathtub as secondary storage for household goods...a classic Garden-Variety Poor Bastard solution to the problem of Garage Overflow...

New York Gene Pool Needs Thinning

In what can only be described as a genuinely True Poor Bastard story the Associated Press is reporting that Kevin Daly of Coram, NY was arrested early Thursday morning on a DWI charge after crashing into a police car.

In a mugshot photo that was subsequently released by the Suffolk County Police Department the Idiotic Poor Bastard is seen wearing a black t-shirt that reads,

"I'm Not An Alcoholic, I'M A DRUNK. (Alcoholics Go To Meetings)."

Daly is being held on $10,000 bail pending a court appearance next Wednesday. The AP reports that he was represented by an attorney from Legal Aid during his arraignment, an indication that he is not only a Dumb-F-k Poor Bastard but a Broke Poor Bastard as well!

It sounds like they need to do a little culling of the gene pool up there in Suffolk County, NY.....

"Oops" He Did It Again.....

He's BACK!....Governor Goodhair, that True Poor Bastard  from The Great State of Texas is at it again!...After stumbling on his foot and ending up with it stuck firmly in his big, fat  Texas-Sized Poor Bastard  mouth, Big Rick Perry has apparently managed to extract appendage from orifice in one last desperate effort to salvage his presidential aspirations.

For those Garden-Variety Poor Bastards and the great unwashed from throughout The Realm, who may not be aware of  what has been going on with the Lone Star Embarrassment and his "less government is good crusade", you can always count on The Poor Bastard's Gazette to bring you up to speed once the fog of that Bud-Light hangover has lifted!...

Role back the clock to November 9th and the televised republican candidate debate and we find Big Rick stumbling for words when he was asked exactly which three federal agencies he advocates eliminating.

Now for those of you who are truly uninformed about Goodhair's political platform, it is worth knowing that Presidential Poor Bastard Perry  is supposedly the "author" of a best-selling book called "Fed Up!"...The subject of which is Perry's disgust with excessive government, excessive government spending and in excess in general - unless of course it is excess cash that just so happens to find its way into the Governor's pocket!



It would seem to the Grand Poo Ba that anyone who had taken the time to actually sit down and write a book might be expected to be able to remember what the content of the book was about; which in the case of everyone except Governor Goodhair Rick Perry, is probably true...However, when Big Rick attempted to name the specific government agencies it was that he wants to eliminate as part of his "reducing the size of government" campaign platform,  Big Rick suddenly found that he had forgotten exactly which agencies it was that he had written about so eloquently in his best selling book!

Now, don't get me wrong here...There are actually a couple of points in his book that The Grand Poo Ba happens to agree with Governor Goodhair  about...but what we find completely unacceptable here at the editorial board of The Poor Bastard's Gazette is the idea that someone could have an agenda they are truly passionate about, passionate enough to run for president of the United States; and then find that they can't seem to remember exactly what that agenda is during a peak moment of opportunity on stage in front of the entire Kingdom of the Poor Bastard!

In a closing comment that was perhaps the highlight of Big Rick's evening, he entered the media spin room after his televised world-wide gaff and stated aloud:

"I'm sure glad I had my boots on because I sure stepped in it out there."

Herman (Share the Love) Cain's Presidential Campaign Enters Melt Down Mode...

Although the Grand Poo Ba has been on yet another extended sabbatical for the last month, it doesn't mean he hasn't been monitoring the ongoing intrigue of numerous Elite Poor Bastards throughout the Kingdom of the Poor Bastard. Specifically, the ongoing saga of republican presidential hopeful, and truly Degenerate Poor Bastard, Herman (Share the Love) Cain...

Herman Cain's chief of staff Mark Block is seen here gagging on a cancer stick while taping a campaign ad for his boss...





Cain's campaign first gained national notoriety when his so called "chief of staff", Mark Block, appeared in a TV campaign ad choking down a cancer stick and blowing smoke in the camera person's face. Whether it was meant to portray the Poor Bastard presidential candidate and his inner circle as just part of the great unwashed mass of Garden-Variety Poor Bastards, who never got the cancer memo about smoking cigarettes...or whether there was some higher subliminal message about freedom of choice and self-determination that the rest of us Poor Bastards were supposed to get out of the ad, nobody really knows....but what we do know is that it didn't do much to derail the controversial allegations of sexual harassment which had been made by several women prior the ad appearing on TV.

Poor Bastard Cain, for his part, has done very little to stem the rising tide of discontent with his obviously boorish attitude toward women in general; and his campaign strategists certainly haven't helped by allowing Cain's lawyers to issue thinly veiled threats against any women who may come forward in the future.

"Everyman" Herman Cain sporting his signature black cowboy hat...doesn't he know that "good guys always wear white?"










To date no less than four women have come forward with allegations that the folksy, home-spun Hermie Cain, who never misses an opportunity to remind audiences that he is NOT  part of the political establishment, would nonetheless appear to be well versed in at least one of the behavioral characteristics of contemporary Poor Bastard political figures from both sides of the isle...i.e; the tendency to let their political pecker get the better of them when they feel the urge to "share the love!"

When asked about the allegations of sexual harassment Cain explained that he has approximately this much love to share...







Of course in Hermie Cain's case, the allegations have not been proven, at least not to the satisfaction of the accused Poor Bastard Malefactor, even though rumors continue to persist that several of the female accusers were paid handsome sums back in the late 1990's in exchange for agreeing to fade quietly into the background...Presumably so-as not to spoil Hermie's presidential aspirations at some future date!

Doomed presidential candidate and Genuine Poor Bastard Herman Cain is seen here mopping the sweat from his brow as the unseemly accusations against him continue to mount...

Bocephus Out To Get Big, Bad Socialists Who Are Ruining The U.S...

If ever there was ever a single moron in all The Kingdom  of the Poor Bastard who embodies the Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard  it has to be Hank Williams, Jr!  After decades of skating along on the coat-tails of his legendary father's name, in spite of his bellicose and boorish personality, ol' Bocephus has finally managed to get his boot stuck in his big, fat mouth... costing him what was very likely the best paying steady gig he has ever landed during his dreadful decades long "career" as a country & western singer.

Now before we get too far into this rant, let's stop for a moment to take a quick look at the life and times of this Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard-

Born in Shreveport, LA  (indigenous Poor Bastard country)  in 1949,  Bocephus was one of six children of the legendary C&W music pioneer Hank Williams.  After Hank Sr.'s untimely death in 1953,  the Little Poo Ba from Shreveport was raised by stage mother Audrey Williams,  who crafted the budding child star in the image of his late father...dressing him up in little Hank Williams outfits that were designed to look just like the clothes his father wore when he performed on stage at the Grand Ole Opry...

After several years of being shepherded about by mom,  Little Bo' severed ties with the old bat and set out to pursue his own musical path by hanging out with the Red, White & Blue rough and ready crowd who had come to embody southern rock/outlaw cowboy music, including the likes of Fellow Poor Bastards such as Waylon Jennings and Charlie Daniels...  

The aspiring musical career of the Poor Bastard from Shreveport was interrupted in 1975 after he decided to go on a drunken mountain climbing expedition in the Montana Rockies where he immediately proceeded to fall off the Rocky Mountains, leaving his face and half his brain plastered on the side of a cliff somewhere on the side of the mountain!

This most unfortunate mishap did lead to the prime commercial opportunity to write a book about the experience, which subsequently led to a made-for-TV melodrama starring none other than Richard ("John-Boy Walton") Thomas as the falling man...from which point on ol' Hank, Jr. / Bocephus has been able to claim yet a third legendary title...that of True Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard...

Whether he earned this notable distinction for being one of the few human beings to ever fall off the Rocky Mountains and survive...or whether it is because he had the embarrassing misfortune to have John-Boy Walton portray his incredible likeness for all the world to see, is something which is known only to The Inner Sanctum of The High Council of the Fraternal Order of the Poor Bastard...which as the Grand Poo Ba recalls it, did in fact involve an emergency session to resolve this watershed moment in American history...

Hanky-Panky's career thereafter experienced a series of highs as he became something of a pop-culture, media darling for reasons which have not yet been fully understood by scientists trying to explain the mysteries of the universe.

In recent years Bocephus has kept himself and the rest of The Kingdom of the Poor Bastard amused with his rendition of the theme song to the NFL's Monday Night Football broadcast...a song titled "Are You Ready for Some Football?"

Our rough & ready "rowdy friends" hero Hank "Bocephus" Williams, Jr. is seen here doing his  impersonation of a gay cowboy...no doubt inspired by the movie Broke Back Mountain...

In true Ultimate Poor Bastard  fashion,  Poor Bastard Bo' recently opened his big mouth and managed to get his even bigger foot stuck squarely inside the orifice, when he decided to open up to his minions and start preaching to the great unwashed about his own political views which...

"How shall we put this?"..... Leave a lot to be desired in terms of intellectual evolution.

During a recent interview on Fox Television's, "Fox & Friends" (a televised gathering of pseudo-intellectual misanthropes, misogynists, garden-variety vermin and sundry Malingering Poor Bastards) Bocephus - in a moment when the Poor Bastard from Shreveport lacked clarity of thought - chose to liken President Barack Obama and House speaker John Boehner golfing together, as being like Adolph Hitler and Benjamin Netanyahu taking to the links...

For whatever reason  Bocephus may have suddenly decided that the entire  Kingdom of the Poor Bastard  was interested in his political views, the outcome has been less than desirable for this Ultimate True, Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard, as he now finds himself without a royalty check after he and his "rowdy friends" image were summarily dismissed as the mascot of Monday Night Football!

Now apparently all of this rabble-rousing and name-calling among the Illiterati at Fox Television has got Bocephus stirred up something awful-like as the Associated Press is reporting today that Bo' and his band of merry-makers has recorded a song about his experience with Fox & Friends...no doubt while the Little Poo Ba from Shreveport was still reeling, after having lost his paying gig as chief wind-bag and honky over at Monday Night Football!

According to the AP story among the more colorful verses in the song are two jingles where the Patriotic Poor Bastard  warns that the U.S.  is "going down the drain" and says it's becoming "The United Socialist States of America." 

....Then in what would appear to be an attempt at an insult hurled against Fox, Big Bo', the Poor Bastard from Shreveport, exhorts his listeners to keep "Fox & Friends and ESPN out of your home..." 

Which of course is what all the big, bad socialists have been encouraging people to do for the last 15 years...

To end this dreadful recounting of hill-billy brain power on vacation, the High Council of the Fraternal Order of the Poor Bastard offers this one sentence of advice to the Ultimate, True Broke-D*ck Poor Bastard  from Shreveport.....

"The next time you have a thought Bocephus....don't bother!"

Comic Relief From The Kingdom's Grifter Class...

With the 2012 Presidential campaign season only a few months away from kickoff we find the Republican party scrambling to turn up a viable Poor Bastard candidate who has an IQ higher than room temperature; while the Democrats sit quietly in the wings thinking that at least their guy can spell P-R-E-S-I-D-E-N-T....

For Garden-Variety Poor Bastards throughout The Kingdom, presidential campaigns are about as close as they ever come to the political process, due largely to the incessant TV coverage afforded this Shakespearean comedy of errors by the cable-wonderland infotainment industry.

During this run-up to the presidential election all manner of Poor Bastards are offered up as candidates, in what has become something of a modern-day human sacrifice. These Unfortunate Poor Bastards are afforded the opportunity to impress upon Poor Bastard minions throughout the realm just exactly why it is that we should choose them to be the leader of the great mass of humanity otherwise known as The Kingdom of the Poor Bastard.

As an alternative to the generally boring and inane drivel which is piped up for public consumption by the mainstream media circus during this dreadful display of hubris and embarrassing ego-mania the editorial board of The Poor Bastard's Gazette thought a little comic relief would be in order...

So the Grand Poo Ba went on a little fishing expedition to dig up a few juicy tid-bits of wit and wisdom from the exalted political class who, more often than not, grace The Kingdom of the Poor Bastard with their pontification and esteemed leadership to the point of ad nausea.

From the website www.some-guy.com-

"If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very low crime rate" - former Washington, DC mayor Marion Barry

"Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, Thank God, I'm still alive. But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again." - Senator Barbara Boxer (D-California)

"I cannot tell you how grateful I am - I am filled with humidity." - Gib Lewis, former speaker of the Texas House

"You can't just let nature run wild." - former Alaska governor Wally Hickel

"If we don't succeed we run the risk of failure." - former vice-president Dan Quayle

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix." - former vice-president Dan Quayle

Random favorites-

"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book." - former president Ronald Reagan

"I have opinions of my own, strong opinions, but I don’t always agree with them." - former president Boy George Bush

"I love that smell of the emissions!" - Sarah Palin at a motorcycle rally in Washington, DC

''American scientific companies are cross-breeding humans and animals and coming up with mice with fully functioning human brains.'' - Tea Party whack-job Christine O'Donnell

"It sounds funny, but you need to be paying more for your health care." - newly elected Kentucky Senator and Tea Party whack-off Rand Paul

''We're on to them; we're on to this gangster government.'' - Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minnesota)

''The reforms we seek would bring greater competition, choice, savings and inefficiencies to our health care system.'' - president Barack Obama

"I miss being pampered." - former president Boy George Bush, reflecting on his years as president of the U.S.

And the Grand Poo Ba's personal favorites from the last two years- 

 “George W. Bush did a incredible job in the presidency, defending us from freedom..." - Texas governor Good-Hair Rick Perry

''If you don't hold us accountable, we'll do some real bad things in Washington, D.C.'' - Sen. John Ensign (R-Nevada)

Proving once again that every once in a great while the truth manages to slip out of the mouth of even the most stubborn among The Kingdom's only native criminal class...

Presidential Poor Bastard Rick Perry's Campaign May Be Close To Imploding...

Almost before it managed to get up a head of steam, Poor Bastard Rick Perry's presidential career seems to have skidded off the runway in spectacular fashion. In the 30 short days since the Grand Poo Ba began his sabbatical from the trenches of class warfare among the minions throughout The Kingdom of the Poor Bastard, Governor Good-Hair seems to have entered a self-destruct mode that would make any self-respecting Texan proud!

Presidential Poor Bastard Good-Hair Rick Perry, seen here declaring the social security system to be a "Ponzi scheme", has been back-peddling at almost every turn in the road as he finds himself having to defend one preposterous statement after another....

Note the aspiring presidential hopeful does appear to respond correctly when asked to hold up one finger...






In August Governor Good-Hair came under attack from the likes of Karl Rove, the Fat Bastard political hack from Boy George Bush's illegitimate presidential administration, when Big Rick informed the great unwashed that global warming was "a scientific theory that has not been proven and from my perspective is more and more being put into question." 

Now this comes from a Broke-Dick Poor Bastard who subsequently called on fellow Poor Bastards to "pray for rain" as a solution to the epic drought conditions which have plagued Governor Good-Hair's own state of Texas for several years with no end in sight!

Big Rick's rising star, which at one time was only eclipsed by his Texas-sized campaign war chest, could now be more aptly described as a "falling star" after the story broke over the weekend that Perry and his Poor Bastard father have maintained a family hunting camp for years which had been dubbed "Niggerhead" somewhere along the way...in what we can only assume was some sort of folksy Texas-Style Poor Bastard attempt at humor?

Governor Good-Hair responds to allegations that his family hunting camp was for years known by the name camp Niggerhead...and again demonstrates that he can count to one...








With Poor Bastards like this running for public office is it any wonder that The Kingdom of the Poor Bastard appears to be a snowball headed for hell?

Grand Poo Ba Will Be Returning Soon....

The Grand Poo Ba has been on an extended sabbatical for the last month while attending to personal and business matters in various far off locations.

The High Council of the Fraternal Order of the Poor Bastard and the editorial board at The Poor Bastard's Gazette are pleased to report that the Grand Poo Ba has returned to his post as chief cook and bottle washer at The Gazette; and will resume his duties as editor and social critic of that great American pantheon known as The Kingdom of the Poor Bastard within the next week.

During his absence numerous alleged sightings of the Grand Poo Ba were reported to the High Council by followers of the Poor Bastard's Gazette.

In an effort to set the record straight the editorial staff would like to dispel rumors that any of the following are actual pictures of the Grand Poo Ba...

There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that this is a picture of the Grand Poo Ba enjoying some R&R at Lake Havasu, AZ...

Nor is it true that this is the Grand Poo Ba attending the 2011 revival of Lilith Fair...

Kiwi Poor Bastard Dies During New Zealand Bound Flight...

The AFP news agency (a European version of the Associated Press) is reporting that a 31 year-old New Zealand native has died during a flight from Singapore to the New Zealand city where the Unfortunate Poor Bastard had lived.

Witnesses said the man had been watching an in-flight movie and appeared to be laughing, when in fact he was apparently choking to death. Passengers seated close by said the Poor Bastard's lips began to turn purple as a doctor and two nurses who were on-board the plane attempted render aid....According to reports filed by the New Zealand Herald the incident occurred 90 minutes into the 11 hour flight.

After the Unfortunate Poor Bastard was pronounced dead his body was moved to a curtained off crew area where his girlfriend and traveling companion, Vanessa Preechakul, was allowed to sit with him for the duration of the flight!....

......Huh?

The airline announced afterward that passengers "sitting nearby" would be offered a discount on future travel, but declined to specify the amount of the discount...Later reports indicated that the inconvenienced Poor Bastard passengers were given vouchers worth $100 New Zealand dollars...or approximately $84USD!

Meanwhile, in other news around and about the Kingdom of the Poor Bastard...across the Pond the Reuters news agency is reporting that a recently released study has found that 40% of all European Poor Bastards are mentally ill, making mental disorders "Europe's largest health care challenge of the 21st century..." according to the study's authors.....

Leading the Grand Poo Ba to conclude that if 40% of the population of Europe is mentally ill, then the high percentage of mental cases among the Poor Bastards in the good 'ol United States Congress shouldn't be considered that alarming in the total scheme of things!

Hang 'Em High Rick Perry Emerges As Leading Presidential Contender...

After years of abuse at the hands of what Mark Twain called the only "distinctly native American criminal class....." in The Kingdom of the Poor Bastard (i.e. Congress); it appears that Poor Bastards throughout the realm have finally had enough!

The Associated Press is reporting that the Congressional Quarterly-Roll Call - which keeps track of such things - has indicated federal lawmakers attended at least 150 fewer town hall meetings over the summer of 2011 than in past years, due to "organized, often raucous confrontations at political events" within their home districts....

Of course followers of The Poor Bastard's Gazette know full well that many of the malingering, criminal misfits we call political leaders are simply too busy out chasing porn stars, whores and strippers, or hustling gay sex partners in airport bathrooms, to be able to bother with attending a face to face meeting with their constituents....
 
And the Degenerate Poor Bastards who aren't out chasing whores and strippers and gay sex partners are most likely sitting in front of a mirror snapping pictures of their congressional wiener so they can share the love with all of their friends and admirers on Facebook, Tweeter and Craigslist!

Meanwhile back at the ranch while nobody was tending the store, we find that something called the "Tea Party" has hijacked the U.S. Congress and in the process destroyed any sense of rational discourse within the political dialogue of The Kingdom!

And with the 2012 Presidential election just over a year away, Poor Bastards throughout the realm recently awoke to learn that the Great State of Texas is once again planning to dump its political garbage on the rest of The Kingdom in the form of current Governor Good-Hair Rick Perry.....

Texas Governor and republican party presidential contender Big Rick Perry is seen here demonstrating how he likes to deal with unruly crowds at town hall meetings...



Although a late-comer to the republican party's efforts to unseat Barack Obla-bla-bama, Big Rick, with his oil-soaked war chest, is now reportedly the front-runner for the GOP nomination, in what appears to be shaping up as a rerun of the meteoric rise of the last Lone Star Gubernatorial Embarrassment in the form of Boy George Bush who, like Big Rick was swept onto The Kingdom's political stage with the help of several hundred million dollars of his Texas cronies filthy lucre...

Big Rick, who has admitted that his idea of fun during his college days at Texas Tech, was setting off M-80 firecrackers under the toilet where his frat buddies were parked for their morning constitutional, is also reported to enjoy going out for a morning jog packing a six-shooter and a can of hairspray to help manage his carefully sculpted coiffure.....

Praise The Lord and Pass The Ammunition....it's going to be quite a ride!

Kingdom Unravels While The Grand Poo Ba Is Away.....

While the Grand Poo Ba was away attending to some pressing personal business it seems all hell has broken loose in the Kingdom of the Poor Bastard! 

No sooner do we get the news that an earthquake has rattled the unflappable jowls of Washington DC, Inc....home to the only native criminal class of Poor Bastard known to man, in the form of the U.S. Congress; but before the dust had settled and the national monuments had quit shaking we learned that Hurricane Irene  was bearing down on the eastern coastline of The Kingdom with some 55 million Unfortunate Poor Bastards lying directly in the storm's path!

As one-fifth of the population of The Kingdom braced for the ultimate Poor Bastard indignity of having their homes and personal lives blown away like the Little Pig who lived in a house of straw, back in the Great State of Texas the unrelenting heat wave of 2011 continues to bake our Poor Bastard Texas Brethren like a cow pie roasting in the Arizona desert!

Recent reports from Poor Bastards in the Great State confirm that temperatures continue to exceed 105 degrees throughout most of the populated regions of the Lone Star State with little relief in sight!

As Labor Day approaches, signaling the official end of what has been perhaps the longest, hottest summer on record, millions of Garden-Variety Poor Bastards throughout the realm are looking forward to autumn in the hope that they will finally be able to get that cooler full of Bud Light out of the garage and into the back of their pick-up truck where it belongs!

But perhaps the biggest news from the realm was the announcement by Texas Governor, Big Rick Perry-Hair, that he was joining the fray to become the 2012 republican nominee for President of the United States.

Big Rick, for those of you unfamiliar with Texas politics, is the Poor Bastard currently serving as the  governor of the Great State of Texas; and who has the misfortune of having a coiffured pompadour hairdo and a plastic surgeon's smile that make him look like a cross between a Holy-Roller Baptist Preacher and TV game show host Chuck Woolery!

Born in Paint Creek, TX, the 61 year old Poor Bastard Politician lists his profession on Wikipedia as Military Officer, Farmer and Politician....and his religious views as Christian (evangelical).

In a 1989 interview Perry described himself as "a bit of a free spirit" during his college days at Texas Tech University where, he admits to having some "fun" with his fellow classmates by using M-80 firecrackers to "prank students using the toilet."....

Whoa there Big Rick!......We don't know what they do for fun out there in Paint Creek, TX but here on earth it would be considered pretty severe to blow the ass off of a Poor Bastard frat buddy with an M-80, while he's pondering the meaning of life during his morning constitutional!

For his laugh-a-minute sense of fun and games and his Chuck Woolery good looks, The High Council of the Fraternal Order of the Poor Bastard has decided to award Big Rick Perry-Hair with an honorary Genuine Poor Bastard title in anticipation of the tremendous entertainment potential that Perry's political career is sure to offer....

State Of Ohio May Build A Bar For State Lawmakers!

In a precedent setting move that will almost certainly start a wave of copy-cat behavior, the state of Ohio has announced that officials are debating whether they should build a bar in the basement of the statehouse!

Poor Bastard  lawmakers from around the state are rallying support for the move saying it would cut down on their entertainment expenses and help prevent embarrassing incidents involving drunken Poor Bastard politicians such as the recent arrest of Ohio Rep. Robert Mecklenborg, who was picked up for drunk driving while in the company of a teenage stripper. Blood tests performed on Poor Bastard Mecklenborg showed that he was not only loaded with alcohol but Viagra as well!

Poor Bastard Robert Mecklenborg, an Ohio state representative, is seen here after his recent arrest for drunk driving. Police reports indicate the Poor Bastard  was "loaded with alcohol and Viagra" after being found in the company of a young stripper...









If approved Ohio would become the first state to operate a statehouse bar. Opponents say the move would be inappropriate because schoolchildren frequent the facility for field trips and other events.

To which supporters have responded that Drunken Poor Bastards are already a fixture at state functions, where alcohol flows freely and elected officials are regularly seen staggering around as they work the room glad-handing and schmoozing with wealthy campaign donors and other Malingering Poor Bastards!...

And besides, what school-aged child in Ohio hasn't seen their own Poor Bastard parents stumbling around the house with an Old Milwaukee tall-boy clutched in their hand?

If approved the High Council of the Fraternal Order of the Poor Bastard is prepared to recognize the state of Ohio as nation's first Genuine Poor Bastard State of Affairs for its bold effort to navigate the uncharted waters of drunken statesmanship!

Poor Bastard Limerick of The Day

An anonymous reader recently contacted The Poor Bastard's Gazette suggesting that we post a Limerick of The Day as a way of providing general entertainment for Poor Bastards throughout The Kingdom.

Our concerned reader included the following diddy as a public service-

There was a young lady from Norway

Who hung by her heels in the doorway

She said to her beau,

Hey, look at me, Joe!

I think that I’ve just found one more way.

Another Political Pickle up For Grabs.....

Well, well, well.......what do we have here?

The IndyStar.com website is reporting that Phillip Hinkle, an Indiana Republican State Senator and soon to be True Poor Bastard who helped pass the state's law banning gay marriage, apparently spends his spare time there at the capital trolling the internet for gay teenage sex partners....

Not that the Grand Poo Ba spends all of his time sitting around here at the Poor Bastard World Headquarters looking for this kind of story, but when this one was brought to his attention by a faithful follower of The Poor Bastard's Gazette, the editorial staff felt it was imperative that we give equal time to Deviant Poor Bastard republicans, considering the recent rash of democratic politicians who have been caught flashing their political pickle in front of an adoring internet audience.....

Indiana Republican State Senator Phillip Hinkle and Degenerate Poor Bastard is seen here attempting to flag down a 16 year-old capital page during a session of the Indianan State Legislature....



The following excerpt from IndyStar.com provides a gruesome blow by blow description of one recent encounter that occurred after Hinkle responded to a post on the infamous website Craigslist....

The emails, sent from Hinkle’s publicly listed personal address, ask the young man for “a couple hours of your time tonight” and offer him cash up front, with a tip of up to $50 or $60 for “a really good time.”


The email exchange is in response to the Craigslist posting in which the young man — who lists his age as 20 in the ad but says he is 18 years old — says, “I need a sugga daddy.”


The young man told The Star that they met, but that he tried to leave after the man told him he was a state lawmaker. He said the lawmaker at first told him he could not leave, grabbed him in the rear, exposed himself to the young man and then later gave him an iPad, BlackBerry cellphone and $100 cash to keep quiet.

Since this story first broke on Friday of last week, fellow state lawmakers have publicly come forth encouraging the Poor Bastard to resign his post.....Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels adding that he was "sad about it" and called it "a personal family tragedy."

Yeah Governor......I'll be the whole state of Indiana is all choked up as well!

The Wages of Sin.......

While surfing the usual websites for newsworthy Poor Bastard Tales of Woe, the Grand Poo Ba came across a story about Matt Lauer and how he is the highest paid personality on television, earning a reported $17,000,000 a year as the anchor of NBC's Today Show! The story went on to discuss other television personalities and how much money they earned for their questionable contributions to the worlds' intellectual discourse.

Notable among them, a fellow named Brian Williams who, for those Poor Bastards  that haven't caught a broadcast of network television news in, oh say.......10 or 15 years, just so happens to be the anchor of the NBC Nightly News....

For all the hard work and heavy lifting he does over there at NBC, Mr. Williams earns a reported $13,000,000 a year....More money as it turns out, than Diane Sawyer, Bill O'Reilly or Anderson Cooper; all of whom are having to scrape by on paltry sums ranging from $10,000,000 to $12,000,000 a year!

Now in spite of what some readers may think, the Grand Poo Ba didn't fall off of a turnip truck yesterday.... He is well aware that in the world where these folks circulate, a cup of coffee and a cinnamon role at the hotel coffee shop can set you back forty bucks!.....

But seriously folks, who in their ever-loving mind decided that someone should be paid a MILLION DOLLARS A MONTH to host a day-time TV show during which they interview a guest who, in thee minutes or less, is supposed to explain to an audience full of Poor Bastard viewers how to tell if your third-grader has a learning disability?

...Followed by a 90 second soundbite featuring some rail-thin correspondent, with a $1,200 Park Avenue hairdo, who explains that the reason little Johnny weighs 250 lbs at 12 years of age is because his Poor Bastard parents let him eat double chubby-chucks and Frito-chili pie at every meal!

NBC Today Show host Matt Lauer is seen here toiling away at the rock pile.....hard at work earning a reported $17 MILLION a year salary...






And just who was it that decided Brian Williams should be paid THIRTEEN MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR to host a half hour news broadcast five days a week, that involves exactly 21 MINUTES of air-time after accounting for commercial breaks?

....During which Williams reads from a script that was written by some Poor Bastard in the copy room who probably earns less money in a month that Williams spends on underwear in the course of a year!

Wouldn't it be more relevant to the great mass of Poor Bastard  humanity if the news media were publishing stories about how little money the average Garden-Variety Poor Bastard makes in a typical year?

If they need help with the headlines the Grand Poo Ba would even be willing to throw his oar in the water.

Just think of the possibilities....

"Texas Widow Works 8,000 Hours a Year To Support Her Three Children..."

"Chicago Teen Quits $6 An Hour McDonald's Job & Earns $500 A Day Selling Crack Cocaine!"

"California Poor Bastard Works Four Jobs To Pay For Home..."

"Poor Bastard Baby-Boomers Learn They Will Never Be Able to Afford Retirement!"

As the Iconic Poor Bastard Michael Moore once commented to Legendary Poor Bastard & former talk-show host Larry King, regarding the news media's incessant reporting on the Dow Jones Industrial Average.....

"I am sick and tired of turning on the evening news everyday, only to hear about how well the richest 1% of the population are doing...."

British Poor Bastard's Have Finally Had Enough!

Across the pond in the land of kings, queens and fairy-godmothers, British Poor Bastards have apparently had enough!

After decades of a stagnant, welfare state economic system which has seen unemployment rates that make the U.S. look like a land of opportunity, Garden-Variety British Poor Bastards and rank and file chaps throughout the Kingdom of Queen Elizabeth have finally reached the end of their rope!

The following excerpt is from a Reuters News Service article which came across the wire here at the Poor Bastard World Headquarters over the weekend-

LONDON (Reuters) - London braced on Sunday for more violence after some of the worst riots in the British capital for years which politicians and police blamed on criminal thugs but residents attributed to local tensions and anger over hardship.


Rioters throwing petrol bombs rampaged overnight through the deprived district of Tottenham in north London, setting police patrol cars, buildings and a double-decker bus on fire.

Proving once again that you can only push a Poor Bastard so far before all hell breaks loose!